Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Tired of Me

Ever get tired of yourself? Wanna ditch yourself like a boring party guest for someone with a bit more substance? I am indeed, sick to death of me. It's all so fucking hard, isn't it?

Living my life lately is like trying to swim with my hands tied behind my back.. frantically kicking to keep my head afloat. Still, I'm takin' in more water than air. Eventually I'll drown. It'll be slow and painful though. On the bright side, I do promise an open bar at my funeral.

Did you know my dad isn't speaking to me? It's been about a month now. He was upset that I didn't respond to his last email right away... and so, the silent treatment. Can't he just be a dad about the whole thing and chalk it up to 'my daughter, so busy she can't call me to shoot the shit..isn't that just like kids?'.. It isn't like he was burning up phone lines to call me during my formative years. So now, just BE THE DAD!

Do I swallow my pride and give dad a call because I know the whole ordeal is ridiculously petty?
"You know I love you dad. I just get busy." That's the truth, plain and simple.. and it's what I would usually do. But I'm pissed this time! I don't want to play games like this with a parent. I get enough of that shit from other relationships. So there's that.

Then there's I-am-tired-of-working-in-the-news-industry-Sick-of-being-made-to-feel-guilty-for-griping-about-it-by-people-who-tell-me-I'm-lucky-to-have-a-good-job-Why-can't-I-get-my-outta-shape-ass-to-the-gym-that-I-pay-seventy-bucks-a-month-Why-am-I-so-negative-Why-do-I-worry-so-much-about-what-others-think-Why-do-I-feel-so-restless-What-will-I-do-if-I-leave-journalism-How-will-I-pay-the-bills-I'm-afraid-of-therapy-because-I-might-just-cry-the-whole-session-like-I-did-last-time-Why-do-Kate-and-Natalie-always-seem-to-have-it-together-and-I'm-such-a-mess-Do-all-married-people-have-bad-fights-like-this-or-is-it-my-dysfunction-rearing-it's-ugly-head-Should-I-hide-my-depression-from-The-Surge-because-I'm-depressed-too-much-and-I-know-everyone's-tired-of-my-shit-Don't-other-people-feel-like-this-or-am-I-mental?!?!?

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

I think I grew up without developing a core personality. When I was young and came sulking home, upset over the usual girly fights my mom would ask, "What did YOU do?" Like there was no question I was at fault. It made me constantly second guess my behavior. That, coupled with the fact that we were the only single parent family on the block,thusly dubbed the bad family by default, really messed with my head. When you're 12 and your friend's parents don't allow them to come to your house you can't help but figure something is terribly wrong with yourself.

I still suffer from that stigma today and awareness of it doesn't make it any easier to shake. When I meet someone, I embark on a tiresome campaign to MAKE them like me, prove I'm an okay person. Or else I completely withdraw. It's exhausting feeling that way, yet most of the time I'm oblivious to the mechanics of my acquaintances and relationships. It's just part of my make-up in the same way that I have blue eyes... well maybe not that permanent.. It's like, say....the tattoo on my big toe.. It's been there for so long I can't imagine me without it and it would be a bitch to get removed. Lots of expensive sessions with a doctor, painfully peeling back layers of skin to get at that old, ink underneath. It would hurt, tears are certain to be involved.. But I do so want a clean slate. Now that I know why I'm the way I am, I want to start over.. without the ingrained fuckedupness from my youth...Develop different values, morals, habits... a whole new personality, because frankly, I'm tired of me.

Reader Comments (5)

When people say "I know what you mean" or "I know how you feel"... I never really believe it. I mean, how can anyone ever really know? But, reading this post, I felt like I was reading thoughts from out of my own mind. I know what you mean.
October 22, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterplumleigh
Monica, I know we've never met, but reading your words (which I find myself religously doing almost everyday) makes me feel like we have known each other forever. And just like Plumleigh said, I also know how you feel. You are an amazing person with so much to offer this world. Sure others feel that you are lucky to be writing for the news, hell writing for a living period, but if you're not happy, find what happy will be. It's hard to make that desision, trust me i know. I demoted myself recently at work so that i could free up my time to write.

You can start with a new slate, everyday you wake up IS a new slate. I truly belive life is what we make it to be, but its almost like fate smiles and frowns as she pleases, just to fuck with us, becuase you know what? If it were easy to do and get the things we really wanted we would have it all, and life would be really boring.

As for your dad, I spent five years with my dad giving me the silent treatment. They were hard, even now I get that familiar pang in my chest knowing what a waste it was. He's a bad drunk though, and similarly to you if my dad decided to be a dick somehow I provked it. It took years of my own soul searching to understand that I;m worth something, Lou helped me with that. But even now I cry. Crying is cleansing, its good, it reminds you that you can.

Don't worry Monica, you are smart enough to find your way. You may feel tired of you, and that's warrented, but just remember you can also love you too. It'll be ok, I promise.
October 23, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
did you get that job lead I emailed you? Last week I think - it came from Barbara Gordon.
October 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterPLD
I stumbled on your blog recently, love it. Beautiful writing. I wanted to let you know that I've felt that way many times with my dad, even screaming at him "PLEASE, BE THE PARENT! BE AN ADULT, SO I CAN BE THE KID!" Even now, at 23 years old, sometimes I just want him to be the grown-up, like "everybody" else's dads. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, because until this blog, I thought I was :)
November 9, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAngie
Awww. thank you Angie.. so sweet.. and PLD - yes I did get the email, thanks for thinking of me :)
November 9, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonica

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