Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Faraway You

You packed your bags with a purpose not felt. Not by you, not by me. You smiled when you tucked the toiletries I purchased for you into your battered leather case. The right brands, just what you wanted. Because I know you better than any woman ever has, love you better than any woman ever has, believe in you better than any woman ever has, taste the honey coursing through your hive of angry words better than any woman ever has.

Admittedly, in the beginning I thought it was me who would save you from your demons. The Demons of White Sadness. I now realize it is the other way round. My pride has melted in the ferocious heat of your unflagging love and I view our relationship from lucid eyes. You, with the soul of a poet, the heart of gold, the phantom eyes. Chipping away at my tough girl shell with your guitar gnarled hands...Rugged yet delicate.. You pluck the strings of my heart, forming all the right chords.. Slowly, steadily your sweet song mends my broken heart. No sudden moves for fear my legendary "TurnAway" will once again invade my system like a virus. Throughout your careful, measured battle I lash out. You retreat with scarred palms, a bruised ego, pausing only to redouble your efforts.

I wasn't me until I met you. Only then did the real me manifest herself. For others I was a microcosm of myself.. never daring to expose my truest thoughts and feelings. And you know all of me. The Girl Who feared she would never meet you. The Girl Who, at the age of 8 wondered who you were and what you were doing. The Girl Who overcame intense feelings of loneliness by imagining your arrival. The Girl Who, at 24 wished you would just get here already. The Girl Who always knew a wedding was not on the cards. The Girl Who gambled and won the lottery when she bet her whole hand on the boy who stole her heart at first sight.

In the violent storm of my fears and anxieties you know just what to say, and how to say it. Your words an umbrella, shelter from the storm. When I dragged home from work last night, tears mingling with the rain trailing down my cheeks, all I could think was I needed you near. I physically ached for those arms to wrap around me like my favorite blanket, protecting me from bitter cold reality.
"I want my husband." I actually sobbed once safely behind closed doors. And you call. Always. From onstage, backstage, parking lots, behind the wheel, pumping gas, cheap roadside diners, while ordering cat fish at the Cracker Barrel, in the motel bathroom with the shower on.. You let the steam set the scene of a dream as your cell begins to power on.
"I miss you so much. Your voice turns me on through the phone. I'm on your side of the bed and you're out there all alone."

Reader Comments (10)

Great posting! I love the new look of your site!
October 23, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNichole
I found you from your comment on my blog. All I have to say is, Wow. You are an incredibly amazing writer.

October 23, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterVelvet In Dupont
I am in a hotel room in Boston. Donnie Pizza Sauce and Dave are sleeping. I played with my Dad onstage tonight. Then, I came back here and saw this post.

I love you,M. With everything I've got.

Call and I will come.

I got you two magnets already!


October 24, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersurge
Yeah, that, what Velvet said. I have just spent hours reading (and puking... far too much to drink last night) loads of your past entries and chapters.

You've kept me well entertained and not feeling TOO sorry for myself.

I'll be back!
October 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterToryssa
I haven't even read the post but I clicked on the link (you're in my favorites. feel special) and was like whoa! I LOVE it!
October 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Aawwwwww!! Your words string together perfectly like a diamond studded necklace, waiting to be clasped. They shine so brightly and i have to awe. :)
October 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
I love your writing. I love the way you love. I love Serge (loving comment). And I LOVE coming back to read everything you have to say.

But I don't love your new site design.
Sorry. Really. Please don't smack me or say "who gives a crap WHAT you like??" lol

Just my opinion.
October 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterThe Daily Rant
Awww...Damn you do have a way with words, Monica. But, I do have to say the show was very good...and we even go to hear DD! I like the other format better, too. JMHO.
October 25, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTabatha
I finally read this post and while I don't think it's appropriate to tear up at work, I just did. That was beautiful.

And the surge is awesome, but you knew that.
October 25, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
if it couldn't be cuter and then he had to go and comment? So happy for the two of you.

I sleep on my His side of the bed when he's not there too.

October 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterPLD

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