Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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I'm Famous

Long have I waited for this day.. The day I get a byline.. The day my words are published.. officially, in a major newspaper. I'm truly on cloud nine and I'd like to thank all the little people that made it possible..

The other day, I woke up at 4pm after sleeping away the effects of four consecutive graveyard shifts at News Station X. As Max had been nosing me with his big, wet snout for the past hour I threw on my coat, slid into my flip-flps and took my adopted black son to the park for some play time. My make-upless mug, and messy hair looked anything but strategic hipster bed head. In short, I looked like ass. My bright, oversized, blue pajama bottoms flapped out the bottom of my shapeless, gray, winter coat as I let Max lead me, zombie style, from tree to tree. After all, he must make his social rounds.. has obligations with Scooter...appointments to terrorize squirrels and pigeons... meetings planned with certain trees and so forth. He's a busy dog.

As I was taking my stumbled, semi-conscious leave of the park I was accosted by a notebook weilding man anxious for my opinion. Generally nobody gives two shakes for my thoughts on all and sundry so I was happy to oblige said fellow.
"I'm with the NY Post.. What do you think about all the development in Brooklyn?"
I work in the news, am well aware of the controversy surrounding the high rises slated for construction along the East River, blocks from my humble Brooklyn abode. Working in the news has also given me great appreciation for a brief, articulate sound byte. So I gave the man my journalistic best in my smug I'm-in-da-biz-too tone. Even I was pleased with my intelligent response on affordable housing versus the demise of Mom & Pop shops yada yada yada.

Oh. And he asked if he could snap my picture. Aware this is standard newspaper journalist procedure I again obliged the kindly gentleman, certain my fugly mug would not make the acqaintance of publication. We journalist types interview dozens of folks then pick the ones that most suit our selfish agendas.. Kind or like horny frat boys.. Fine. Forgotten.. Moving on..

A few days later I'm paging through the Post during a pleasant coffee session at my local joint when what to my wondering eyes did appear? Oh the horror. I came face to face with myself! My bare faced, pajama clad self in full color, squinting into the sunlight like a ninny, a "Huh?" expression affixed to my ghastly face. A COVER story no less.. Worse still, they paraphrased my quote... my wonderfully informed, articulate response was whittled down to something to the effect of "That would be good...(insert moronic voice here) but if blah blah blah happens.. Well, that's not so good." Impressive, I know. My vocabulary skills simply astound.. Keep in mind every coworker of mine peruses the paper daily.. Of course I'm a celebrity of retarded proportions around News Station X.. My quote being mimicked back to me in the appropriate imbecile voice..."Coke is good.. and sometimes it's not so good." and "Sometimes I like a turkey sandwich for lunch, other times it's not such a good thing, right Monica?" Wise asses.

So... for your viewing pleasure I present to you my publishing debut...Click here for your chuckle of the day. It's interactive, to my great joy you can even click on my face for an up close gander. Enjoy, bitches...

Reader Comments (10)

Hey Baby!!!! Congrats! I am so proud of you, my sweet.

When Max poops in the street.......that's good.
When Max eats roach traps and pukes up his guts........


I love you.

November 13, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSurge
Looks like this really is the City of Dreams! Take that Cedarsburg Wisconsin.

The inevitable downside: now you've hit the big time you'll never call me. Oh, you'll mean to get around to it, but between book signings, literary seminars and long evenings mingling with the other intelligentsia in the lobby of the Met, our late night discussions about Raisa Gorbachev and the secret cabal of Al Qaeda Vampires will fade into history.

The exact same thing happened to Proust after publishing In Search of Lost Time... and my friend Troy after that "Car Talk" radio show took his call about timing cover gaskets (turns out they're harder to install than he thought, great Troy).

Alas, you're a celebrity while I languish on in obscurity but I'm already on my second beer so I'm accepting my fate with increasing grace and sanguinity. So if you want a piece of that sanguine grace, give me a call. I can tell you all about "War of the Worlds" a new movie staring Tom Cruise and various alien invaders....
November 13, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterVlad the Viking
Congratulations Monica. Ain't nothing wrong with the quote or the pic!
November 14, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDan
That is not a bad picture at all! Nevertheless congrats!
November 14, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
dudes using the word "poops", i dunno......
November 14, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNND
The quote sucks. Bastards. But you look adorable in the picture!
November 14, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLana
OhLORD you are dramatic :-) You love lovely as usual!
November 14, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTabatha
hey, neither were bad at all. Congratulations!
November 14, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterPLD
Great story. My one time being interviewed on TV for a vox pop was not disimilar. Hat-hair and a tragic half up half down collar look mixed with a bizarely inarticulate soundbite.
November 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterFernando
I didn't think it was a bad picture. You are just being hard on yourself! Not everyone gets their pic in the paper. :o)
November 17, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterCarla

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