Monica Bielanko
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Paris Did What? Wait... Nevermind, I don't care... I think

I must be getting old. I was attempting to read my bible tonight and something felt wrong. Although it tried it's best with photos of Paris Hilton's latest car crash AND Mary Kate's healthier but still 95 pound frame, the In Touch simply could not hold my interest.

In a panic I flung it across the room and grabbed my Us Weekly prominently featuring Jennifer Aniston on the cover. A juicy Aniston headline is a surefire way to herd myself back into comfortably numb mindless magazining. I perused a few pages.. 'Is Angelina jealous of Jen?' and I just couldn't bring myself to finish. At first I thought I might be coming down with something. I've heard talk of some sort of bird flu.. Might I be a victim? Then it struck me like a bolt of lightning. I just don't give fuck all about any of it. The strange part about tonights' revelation? I'm a confessed trash mag junkie.

I freely admit that until the very moment of this typing I've splashed out big bucks weekly for the trinity.. Us, In Touch and Star.. Oh yeah.. plus the occasional Life&Style on desperate occasions like airplane flights and the monthly salon session that takes hours to bleach my tresses. That's nearly twenty bucks a week gang! Almost a hundred bucks a month! That means I'm spending.. hold on, I have to count on my fingers.. A THOUSAND DOLLARS a year keeping up with the love lives and wardrobes of people I don't know! Sheesh.. What a waste. For that kind of cash I could have bought something worthwhile. Perhaps a diamond encrusted purse from Gucci or Prada made from the skins of caged calves raised especially for veal... and thousand dollar purses. I think I read somewhere that Lindsay Lohan was spotted buying one.

Oh the hours I've spend inhaling microwave popcorn, kernals spilling down my chest and taking up permanent residence in ragged couch cushions worn from too much ass time mainlining diet coke whilst ogling paparazzi photos and scanning the same tired stories regurgitated in each mag.. Britney's Baby Drama! Mary-Kate's Eating Disorder! Is Jessica's Marriage Over? Nick & Jessica: Happier Then Ever! Paris Hilton's New Sex Tape With Her Latest Greek Boyfriend or Lindsay Lohan's Too Thin! Brangelina...Bennifer...(am retching as I type those hideous name meld creations)

Go on, ask me anything if you don't believe me. I can tell you who's dating, who's hot, who's not, who wore it better? It's my secret shame. A chic, intelligent and let's face it fantastic woman like myself should not give two shakes over Britney's break-up. Did she really cheat on Justin? Do you think she and Kevin will last? I don't like the name Sean Preston. Don't you think Brit's mom is creepy? Oops.. I digress.. Why am I drawn to these glossy rags pimping skeletal teens with freakishly white capped teeth, obscene amounts of money and androgynous boyfriends? Why do I care that Nicole Richie goes grocery shopping for fruit! And pushes her own cart! Alas, I tune in every week to see how big Jen's bump is.. Who's canoodling.. and if Clive Owen will be filming in Brooklyn any time soon.

Have you ever heard these girls interviewed? Live interviews? Let's just say most of them aren't the brightest bulbs in the pack.. Or are they? I see Jessica Simpson's face in my house more than my husband's.. she must be doing something right. Paris Hilton? She's done nothing right.. and still her leather colored mug and Billy Idol hair (unless she's rocking those creepy extensions) are gracing the pages of every magazine. Why? Is this what society has come to?

As another thief of Billy Idol's hairdo once shouted on an infamous late night infommercial, "STOP THE INSANITY!" As of this moment, I Monica Bielanko do hereby swear that I will not purchase another celebrity magazine until the end of 2005. Let's reconvene then and see how things are going... Wait! Does Cosmopolitan count? Just kidding. I stopped reading that when I realized 10 Tricks To Keep Him Begging For More and How To Get a Tight Ass In 2 Weeks is a total load of bollocks. But seriously, we may have to make an exception if a Celebrities Caught Without Make-up edition comes out. Oh! Or if someone gains massive amounts of weight.. those always cheer me up.

Reader Comments (8)

You could try playing "text dada". Open the bible in a random place. Put your finger down somewhere within the opened book. Read the section. Write down the first few words according to the number given by the shake of a double die-pack. Go to the glamour magazines. Do same. Go back to the bible. Repeat. Finally, put all these text fragments together in reverse order. Read what they have to say. I'm sure it will be enlighening!
November 20, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
I'm a big US Weekly fan myself...I actually have a subscription. It's a total addiction. It comes in the mail every Wednesday, and I practically run up the stairs to my apartment so I can settle in w/ a glass of wine and start reading.
November 20, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEast Side Girl
Well. First off, the STAR is the only one that tells the complete and honest truth, so there you go, I am saving you a few bucks already. In Touch pretty much takes quotes from JANE, and COSMO, and any other "real" magazine that does actual interviews with actual real famous people. But, I will admit, the glossy covers of these magazines (you so smartly refer to as the trinity) have caught my eye on many ocassion. I remember the good old days of shopping in the super market with my mom, and they all looked like a ratty supermarket tabloid. That was before the days of In Style, or In Touch, when the STAR reigned sumpreme as the link to the stars private life. Of course the Enquirer was there, but that was more crap than any one could ever believe. I wanted the pictures of them on their boats, doing yoga in their back yard, drinking coffee and reading their papers. And my all time favorites are the ones that you know are totally being taken through a bush, or if the camera man had quite a bit if financing, a helicopter flying over head. The subject always looks completely out of their element and off guard, scared a bit, or so angry that they were interupted with their morning java that they are going to hop into those bushes and serve someone the whipping they deserve. But..Didnt they want that? When they were 18 and mr joe schmo moving out to hollywood with a suitcase and a dream, or susy nobody catching a train to the big new york city to make it as an actress, didnt they dream of being those people in the tabloids.
which brings me to my read up girlfriend, because if their werent people out here in this world whose guilty pleasure consists of bright glossy photos, bad hair days, and WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?? there would be no such thing as a STAR.
November 20, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMarisa
November 20, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
hahaha. i'm such a celeb gossip whore myself.
November 20, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersubgirl
subgirl. NO!!
November 20, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
I thought I knew it all too. Not saying that you don't, I just know how you feel.

Until I made a very expensive bet that Richie Sambora was married to Eva Herzigova. Voila ->

It sounds so obvious now, and of course everyone I mention it to knows that it was Tico Torres. Everyone. People who don't know who Sadie Frost is. People who have no idea that the Teen Vogue editor has the same haircut as Anna Wintour. Yet, these people all knew that Tico was married to Eva, not Richie.

A big fat d'oh.
November 22, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
I lasted about two weeks but broke down when the Nick and Jessica decided to seperate.. Damn those maritally challenged bastards!
December 11, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonica

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