Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Just Words

"A lie is the worst thing in the world. Art is the ability to tell the truth, especially about oneself."

Richard Pryor

These words are just that. Words. I type a sentence in an effort to articulate an emotion I'm feeling AT THAT TIME. I may not feel that way the next day. Hell, I may not feel the same way the next hour or minute. My posts don't reflect the broad spectrum of my life. I could post something as miniscule as exchanges The Surge and I have over morning coffee or something as massive as the fact that I am currently three months estranged from my dad, locked in a battle of wills based on ridiculousness.

But these words, honest as they are, don't completely define who I am. Don't assume you are privy to what's really going on in my life because you read 100 things about me or because I share anecdotes online about portions of my life. I don't type an entry chronicling depression then plod glumly throughout my day, sighing and intermittently crying. I laugh, I live and do what I have to do to get by. And likely, by the time you read the post whining about my depression, I am off in another direction and the contents of said post are quickly old news. I always was fickle, ask my mom, who paid for gymastics classes after I begged for months and months then dropped out after a few weeks.

As for your email about my relationship with my husband, my new friend with the anonymous Hotmail account, it sounds like you have a bit too much time on your hands and should perhaps get yourself a hobby that doesn't include spewing vitriol at people you don't know. Why not post a comment publicly? I welcome the haters or else I wouldn't be blogging, I'd be typing this in Microsoft and clicking the Save option or still scribbling in my old notebook/journal.

I am not perpetually sad in the same way that I'm not perpetually happy. I am like every single person who reads this. I experience a vast array of feelings throughout the course of my day and what gets typed up in this blog depends on when I happen to log in and type. Keep that in mind when you read whatever drivel I happen to churn out tomorrow. Deal?

Reader Comments (17)

Monica, some people really have nothing better to do. I've decided that those that have to throw the stones usually don't have much of a life themselves so to make themself feel better they will try to widdle someone elses life down. They don't know you! I don't know you. I feel like I learned a bit about you which makes me want to know you.

People quit hiding. Spew it here.
December 12, 2005 | Registered CommenterFiabug
How funny, I just posted close to the same thing. My boyfriend reads my blog, I know he does, but it is MY blog, I will not edit it for him!
You should be able to say what you want!
I enjoy your blog very much! It is the first one I read every morning when I get to work, even on the weekends when I eventually get up! :)
December 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Well said, Monica.
December 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMartha
Thanks for visiting my blog.

Good post.
December 12, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterdeni
It's interesting. My own writing these days is so left of centre that I am entirely out of the range of those little conservative dilettantes who want to tell me how to have a better attitude and live my life. When I was writing my autobiography, however, the conservatives would get all riled at my expression of my own idiosyncracies, appearing to be departing from the grand old Norm.

Monica, your writing at the moment appeals to conservatives, but it is not conservative enough for their tastes. Conservatives are generally opposed to the artist in us, and will sit passively and whine about it. They want to be seen as the arbiters of taste, but actually they are Platonists who see the artist as a scurge on rationality. Yet they still want that power -- to be the critic and the judge.
December 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
I am not sure if they are conservatives per se or if they are all that interested in blogging really at all.

The young boy toy I had a thing for didn't understand the nature of blogging. The last day I spoke to him the day he decided to show his ass, he says to me "personally im not someone who would post a blog for the world to know my feelings and stuff, but thats just me lol " I respond saying something about I can make it to only those I want to read it. So he responds "well thats neat i guess, i just dont care for that stuff i guess, i enjoy pictures and stuff much more "

The later tells me there's much more to life than blogging and music! GAWD?! REALLY?!?!

Anyways my point is there are just some that don't understand it. That read it, lurk but are too scared themselves usually to post stuff like that, all because the world might see it. Which something hit me not that I care or anything, anymore. He didn't talk about his life in person much either so that was his whole problem anyhow.

But I enjoy it. I am not as good as Monica and many others with getting things down but it has given me some peace to get it down and have people read it as well.

You share what you want, with whom you want. I agree if you want to share something about The Surge you should do it. I know it has been a bit tough because you don't want to hurt the ones you love or are close to. Like you told me at one time you just have to pick and choose what you should share and think about if it's exposing to much. Believe me been there, done that and well I just try and not expose something terribly bad any more.

Monica you have made me feel good about expressing myself again. I use to do the journal thing as well but to me it was just a reminder of the depression I go through and only I could read that. On here it's nice to know I can share some things and know that there are others who may have gone through the same thing, feel the same way or what have you.

Just wish the lurkers who don't like it would either quit reading or quit hiding and just say what you have to here because regardless Monica can stand up for herself but some of us will also defend her as well because noone should be told they are whining or complaining or what have you, constructive critism is good.

December 12, 2005 | Registered CommenterFiabug
The whole rhetoric (choice of terms as a debate tactic) of "whining and complaining" is, actually conservative rhetoric. I like to use that rhetoric myself, against the usual perpetrators, as this does amuse.
December 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

Hang in there. Some people are just evil. I love your writing--almost every post resonates deeply with me. They make me feel less alone in this world.
December 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNichole
Monny I need to fuck somebody up? Preg or no preg, I'm HANKERIN' for a good ass kickin'.

Don't sweat the douchebags. I'm sure it's someone out to get your goat.
December 12, 2005 | Registered Commentertallchickbarbara
Monica, this post was wonderful and so completely on-point. I feel much like you do - moods change, feelings come and go - by writing, you are processing..i do the same and it helps tremendously - sorry people out there can't realize that and are pissing you off - stay strong and keep writing!
December 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterWendy
Rock on blog mama. I started a second blog specifically so I could post the most painful parts of my life and say vicious things about my mother that I wouldn't say otherwise. Some idiots commented that they really hoped I got therapy and that I shouldn't be so negative. Hello? That's what the blog is for. To spew all my negativity out into the blogosphere so it won't pollute my soul. I'm a ridiculously happy and upbeat person in person. Thanks for the post. I hate blog poopers with no balls who post anonymously or send jerky emails.
December 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLeah Vanessa
What a horrible, hateful thing to have happen. I hope you won't let it affect you. Your writing is excellent. As a fellow writer,I don't want to see you give up control of your own identity and joy in your blog to anyone else, especially someone hiding their ugliness behind anonymity. Anyone who would do that is trying to infect you with their own hatred for themselves. Please don't accept it.
December 12, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterauntiemame
Gee, right off the bat I have to say I like your name! :)

A good post. I always thought Richard Pryor was talented. As for your posting about your anonymous emailer...I've had some of those, too. My most venomous one was about telling me I wouldn't talk about my "perfect life" or my faith in God if I ever had something bad happen to me. Since I HAVE had bad things happen and choose not to post about them because my children read my blog from time to time, I just let it go.

I like your blog...thanks for stopping by and commenting so I could find yours. :)
December 13, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Right on.....completely agree. Your rants, what you blog about are a miniscule portion of your life. A tidbit here and there into your own psyche is not everything Monica Bielanko.

My non-private blog is mostly silly. I post lyrics and I say what I want drolling on about the virtues Ryan Adams. And because I'm definitely not as cool as Monica, I've lately been posting my entries in a more private fashion. And I hate that. The point of the blog is to say what you want. Its a very small part of who I am. And for me, it's fun.

Rock on and keep writing good stuff.
December 13, 2005 | Registered CommenterTabatha
"I experience a vast array of feelings throughout the course of my day and what gets typed up in this blog depends on when I happen to log in and type."
so true. people take this for granted and think i'm all depressed if i write a sad entry one day. it's rather amusing.
December 13, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTabatha
whoops the above comment was mine and somehow it got credited to 'tabatha.' sorry tabatha. i didn't mean to, and no i don't have your password or anything. i just don't know how to delete the above comment.
December 13, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjoey kim
That's ok, Joey Kim. :)
December 13, 2005 | Registered CommenterTabatha

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