Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Pot, Mirrors and the Mortifying Results

Look, all I'm saying is don't pop your zits when you're stoned. Seriously. The results can be disastrous. I'm talking pizza face of my own making here. Red welts, fingernail grooves, the whole nine.

It doesn't occur to me to pick my face just because I'm stoned. Face picking is a stoned and non-stoned alike activity. What usually goes down is a little something like this; Monica gets ridiculously stoned. Yes, me likey The Pot. Try growing up in my family and not liking The Pot. But I digress...

I get blitzed on weed, eat the contents of the refrigerator, sometimes sneaking to the nearest bodega and gigglingly purchasing Hagen Daaz, Reeces Peanut Butter Cups and Doritos while The Surge fucks with my head.
"He knows your stoned." He'll whisper in my ear while I'm trying to pay for my munchies in a straight-faced sober fashion.
"No he doesn't" I try not to giggle.
"Oh yeah, he sooo knows you're stoned." The Surge then leaves me to trip out while I pay.
Suddenly the Middle Eastern man in the turban seems to be leering at me in a rather ominous fashion and paranoia takes the reigns. He DOES know I'm stoned, I think. For some reason this thought is seriously hilarious. I begin to giggle as he scans my Twix bar. Once I start, I can't stop. Then I'm paranoid the cashier thinks I'm insane and THAT turns the chuckle into a full on howl.

Before long I'm confirming my insanity by laughing so hard I'm doing the pee dance which involves hopping from right foot to left and if not remedied, progresses into me hobbling and clutching my goodtimes while searching for the nearest dumpster behind which I can relieve myself. Oh yes my friends, I don't descriminate. When a girls' gotta go, she'll go.

Once I've hoovered my munchies I feel fat, dirty, all around hedonistic and must brush my teeth for a fresh start. So I stagger to the bathroom, but before I even reach for my toothbrush I notice droopy eyelids hanging lazily over bloodshot eyes. I lean in for a closer look at my stoned state and that’s when I spot it. A vulgar, little blackhead right on the end of my nose.

All I can figure now is that The Pot (as my Grandma calls it) turns regular mirrors into those cosmetic atrocities that enlarge your image so you can never look at your reflection again without longing to tear your discolored, wrinkled skin from your face in shame. My poor pore appears to be the size of a crater.
"Good god!" Walking around with this fella on my face is worse than having a large hunk of spinach caught betwixt (Mmmm Twix) my front teeth. Jesus! People will think I've never acqainted my face with a bar of soap when in fact, I religiously order the ProActiv. That Jessica Simpson minx was convincing.

Fingernails at the ready, I immediately go in for some hot acne action. The Pot lends me a concentration not available when sober. I'm in The Zone, The Zit Zone and within seconds the little blackhead has popped leaving behind an empty hole with red fingernail grooves on either side. That’s when I see the second black head and the third, fourth and tenth.

An hour later I emerge shamefacedly from the bathroom.
"Holy god! What did you do?" The Surge wonders in awe. Awe is right. There isn't an area on my mottled face that hasn’t undergone inspection and surgical repair. Ugly fingernail marks are scattered across my nose, forehead and cheeks where I tried to pop acne that only The Pot could see.
"Leave me alone. I'm going to bed."

Reader Comments (13)

That is great! When I got stoned, only a couple of times, I go straight to sleep. For some reason it makes me so SLEEPY, I can't hold my head up, then I sleep for like 12 hours, kinda scarey, which is why I don't do it often!
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Don't know how... but I accidentally disabled comments on this post for some time.. Didn't mean to.. By all means, I want to hear your stoner stories!
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I read somewhere -- recently, I believe -- that one should never look in the mirror when one has taken LSD. It can produce strange feelings of self hatred.
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
The guy at the store doesn't think you're stoned... he's just trying to figure out how to nonchalantly ask you to do that neat pen trick you do!
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Okay - popping pimples and neat pentricks. I got one...

Take an average ballpoint pen, and take it apart. Grab the plastic ink holder on the inside, place it strategically over the blackhead, and push. Viola! Instead worm crawling out of the hole! PLUS - you won't have the nail marks. OH...I too many a time have done the walk of shame out of the bathroom.Todd knows the drill by now though....if I'm in my bathroom and it's too quiet (no water running or tiolet flushing) he knows I'm picking away andhe'll yell from the bedroom.."Stop picking you face!!". He gets so angry about it. Jeez.

Of course, the pen trick only works on "certain" blackeads...the deep embedded ones are perfect for it, or ones where the skin is more dense. Sometimes, a girl just has to squeeze.

Occasionally, hubby will allow me to attack his face, but he's a bit of a punk about it. He prefers to BIORE which I BEG him to let me see before he throws them away. He never would, but I think I turned him on to how it looks...."it's like little trees standing up on a hillside....OOOO...look at that one!!!"

One time, my brother had this big one on his face, and my sister in law said..."I've been trying to get that sucker for won't budge" and I said..."Let me at it...Joe, ya gotta pen?"....That thing was a yard lie. It must have been growing since preschool. I still have dreams about it to this day.
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered Commentertallchickbarbara
aahhh yes dreams about it! Monica's oldest brother Brandon, he had a garden of wonders on his back as a teen. I use to beg him to let me at it. Finally after much pleading he gave in. There was a bottomless volcano right in the center of his lower back. It looked like a simple blackhead but once you were at it, it was neverending! you could squeeze and squeeze and it just kept squiggling up.There was an underground lava river there, I mean I could go back 3 days later and there was the river, 4 days later and ta-da! Wonderful dreams about it still! Barb! come home to mama!
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJoyce
why did my post come up as joyce? This is weird. Sorry Joyce.The post is mama
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermama
Ok I need to go puke! Talking about gross things...........I dated this guy who worked at a machine shop, so there was coolant in the air all the time, nice and greenish yellow! He had zits on his back and they were full of yellow and green stuff that would string out FOREVER! Talk about gross!!!!!
December 9, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Er, am a bit sorry to have started this thread. Not really. TCB, the pen trick is genius. Much better than my stick-it-with-a-pin-and-press-fork-tines around-the-edges routine. You all have just reminded me of a horrifying story involving an ex-boyfriend's back and a gigantic underground zit.. I'll save it for later though, am about to eat lunch.

Oh - yeah, sorry about the weird login thing. If you have an account, make sure you log off so no one can post under your name.. I don't know what's up with that..
December 9, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
...this had me laughing so loud my boss had to ask me to stifle it!
and here I thought I was the only one on zit patrol!
December 9, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermoi
I wore a red scab to my company holiday party Saturday night because of zit popping while stoned. I can totally relate, and loved this post! I won't answer the phone when stoned because i am POSITIVE that the tone of my "hello" will let the WORLD know I am high. I won't set foot in a convienence store - that's what my hubby is for!

And as for other people's zits? My husband was an electrical mechanic in the Navy - he'd come home off the aircraft carrier and the AMAZING zits on his back - all gray from the bad air and dirt. And when he had cancer? I know, horrible thought but man, the chemo zits were phenomenal to pop!
December 13, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDilly
Ever try the old disguise the zit as a sexy mole routine? A dab of brown eyeliner works wonders!
December 13, 2005 | Registered CommenterMonica

ohhhh god i can relate. i toke almost every day and ANY time i stop in front of a mirror it's like i'm sucked into this trance where i just pick at my face and forget the entire rest of the world exists.

i don't even have problem skin, just the common little blackheads on the sides of the nose....but god. once i get started i can stand there for like an hourrr. just squeezing every singleeee litttle tiny damn dot with my tweezers.

haha it's like some crazy subliminal obession. wierd as hell.

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterheybeckyyy

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