Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
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Celeb Sighting In Urban Country..Would I Kid, Man?

I am not too cool for school. When I spot a celebrity, I am agog. I am a drooling, slavering idiot. PRIVATELY, of course. I keep my idiocy within the confines of my immediate company, or, if alone, I proceed to call everyone I know and hiss "I am behind Liam Neeson at the Starbucks! His pants are dirty!"

As far as the celebrity I have spotted is concerned, I am a very hip, happening New Yorker who regularly mingles with stars. My nonchalant facade is in top form. New Yorkers who shrug shoulders when you excitely gabble your latest sighting are full of shit. They're diggin' a celeb sighting as much as the next moronic citizen.

I dig sightings mostly because the sentence "she is so fat in person" or "she has terrible acne" works wonders for my saggy self esteem. So when country crooner Keith Urban clippety-clopped past me and my computer shopping accomplice Dave while we were on the Upper West Side yesterday, I knew exactly what to do.

"Follow him."

Normally I wouldn't know Keith Urban from Kenny Chesney or Tim McGraw, until they started turning up with their famous, blonde, significant others. That, coupled with the fact that The Surge and I once entertained ourselves for a good half hour while watching some awards show by making fun of our man Keith's perfectly highlighted do, (the streaks are so perfect you can envision him squatting in the hair chair at his posh salon, tinfoil atop his scruffy mug) made him instantly recognizable.

The wee fella clomped by me, boots with three inch heels tapping a staccato rhythm on the sidewalk, as he chattered into his cell phone. The Aussie accent confirmed my suspicions.
"That's Keith Urban." I tell Dave.
"Who's Keith Urban?" Dave, a reputable fellow who doesn't pay B-list celebrities any mind, queried. (Yes Dave, you queried)

I sigh, whip out my cell phone and dial someone who will appreciate the star sighting.
"I am following Keith Urban at Columbus Square." I tell The Surge.
"What's he wearing?" He responds. That's my fellow. The Surge can always be counted on for a scandalously joyful celeb gossip natter.
"Damn, I think we lost him," I tell The Surge. "He's walking fast."

I hang up and Dave and I continue our stroll uptown. A few minutes later we're crossing the street when we walk smack into Keith Urban, camped out in front of a Starbucks. "Let's go get a coffee." I manhandle Dave into the Starbucks, shove a fiver at him and plop onto a stool in front of a window that overlooks Keith's perch.

Moments later Dave returns with my coffee.
"So he's dating Nicole Kidman?" Dave asks.
"Yup." I reply distractedly as I surreptitiously snap photos of Keith with my cell phone.
"What if he's waiting for her?"
"Do you think--" I ask. "He's obviously waiting for someone."
Dave, suffuciently cheered by the specter of a Kidman sighting sips his coffee contentedly.

I am in the middle of telling Dave something or other when I notice, as usual, that he's not listening. He's looking over my shoulder. Now this is nothing new in our friendship. I'm often talking, Dave's often looking over my shoulder. But something in his look prompted me to turn around.

There, strolling through the doorway is the thunder from down under herself, ladies and gentleman, Ms. Nicole Kidman!

I'd like to say she was fatter in person.
I can't.
I'd like to say she is much prettier in the movies.
I can't.
I'd like to say she looks like a normal person.
I can't.

The woman is fucking STUNNING. She glows like she swallowed a spotlight. Luminescent.

She strolled with Keith, arm in arm, before seperating so she could hide in the corner while he ordered coffee..
As quickly as they came, they were gone.
"Did you see how coyly she avoided me?" My pal Dave whispered. "Prentending like I wasn't here. Good actress, she is. Deserves that Oscar. I know she was crying on the inside that she couldn't acknowledge her devotion to me."

Reader Comments (11)

Ah, that's a great celebrity sighting! I once saw Meg Ryan in NYC while she was shooting Kate and Leopold... her hair was so fried it looked like it was made of straw. I also saw Keri Russell (aka Felicity) in the village and she had bad skin.
January 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
That is sooooo cool!! It just so happens that Ms. Kidman is on my 12 celebrity dinner party list... I don't think I've ever "just happened" to see a celeb in everyday life... and you think I would've, what with Chicago supposedly hosting so many of them and all. Bummer. I'm jealous!
January 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdasi
how lucky of you! is nicole taller than keith?
January 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoey kim
Once again, as with every time my name is mentioned in this helllish blog, I. Have. Issues.

1. I never, ever "query." I don't care what you say.

2. Nobody buy it. Monica was not nearly as outworldly "cool" as she claims. However, she was MUCH better than the freakish stalker chick who went up to my wife Nicole, asked for a picture (declined), then whined about the "mean" woman. "Who is she, anyway?"

3. Monica was so busy dreaming about the $100,000 she could make taking a picture of Nicky & whatshisname-- she forgot to take the picture.

4. I'm sorry, were you talking?

5. Perhaps most important: I PAID AT STARBUCKS. You owe me $22.50 for a tall coffee (not latte) with milk and sugar.
January 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDave
I love them as a couple. Good stalking work! If you ever need a recommendation for your job application at US Weekly, please have them call me.
January 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterVelvet
Good job all around on your stalking. You might not know this but we have a subscription to US in our house. Look, ain't no shame in our game!
January 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterZoe Strauss
Oh my fucker! Zoe Strauss is hangin' on the blog! THAT, my friends, is better than a Kidman sighting any day of the week. And I just realized I don't have a link to Mz. Struass and her amazing photography. I am an ass.

Dave - you do to query. AND you muse! And I don't care what you say - I would sell my soul and a stupid pic of Nic and Keith for a cool hundred grand.

By the by, she is way taller than him.
January 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Wonderful sighting, I love Urban but please tell me she wasn't as frozen faced or botoxed as she appeared the day before on the 11th. I always find her face fascinating, one day she looks like she's had botox and the next, she looks natural so please tell me what you thought.
January 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Sorry but our gal Nic - botoxerama. Not a muscle twitch in her porcelain forehead.. I noticed this at Starbucks only because I've commented on the same thing whenever I've seen her in interviews..
January 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
So are you going to show us just a sneak peak of those pic before you sell them to People? Please.
January 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie
I was there that night. Leo was really nice to his fans. After the movied showed Jack stood in the street and posed for the fans. It was an amazing night!
October 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCait

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