Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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October 16, 2006

Strangely, I find myself with not much to say today. Usually I have something to say, a story to share and so I write it, post it. Today I feel wordless. Yet I'm glad I've kept this journal fairly consistent over the past year and so I'm going to write anyway. I kind of feel out of control with my health. I've been eating terribly and drinking too much. I guess I cycle through phases of health and sloth - too bad I ain't cycling through those phases on an exercise bike. Would make things a whole lot easier. I let myself go and eat/drink what I want and then I get back into a regimen. But the older I get the harder it will be to tone up. Junk food is a slippery slope. If you don't eat any it's easier to avoid the bad stuff. But if you indulge a couple times a week you start craving it all the time. I really want to start jogging regularly but somehow I can't seem to get it started.

Blah blah blah.. That's such a generic paragraph. That paragraph could have been written when I was 18, 23, 25. I'm eating too much. I want to exercise more. Whine, whine. Wine, wine. All talk, no action. I'm such a pussy with no willpower. I just typed that sentence then heated up a slice of last night's pizza. But it had broccoli and chicken toppings, so it's healthy, right?


So these past six months I've been as stressed as a 16-year-old Mormon girl who missed her period. I'm constantly in a state of near panic, wondering when a Good Thing is going to happen in the wake of losing my job and undergoing a quarter-life crisis. Where is the goddamn silver lining? Is New York going to chew me up and spit me out as she has with so many others? Am I destined to return to Utah with my tail between my legs, where I know I can get gainful employment and afford a place that's bigger than a Wheaties box. I love my apartment, I do. But it would be nice to have a bit more room. I guess the silver lining to a small apartment is that it's easy to clean. The silver lining to being unemployed is being able to spend time exploring the city and our relationship with The Surge.


The Surge leaves for Germany today. I'm really going to miss him. We're together all the time now. I miss him when he's at the gym. I know. Co-dependent! Cue the Tammy Wynette music.


She talks to her dog ALL the time. Like he understands her. And she refers to him in the third person while speaking to him. For example "Does he want his ball now?" or "Is he being a good boy?" That part isn't so bad. But she uses this voice. This horiffic blend of baby talk and creepy cartoon character. Yes, The Crazy Dog Lady Who Lives On Berry Street is me.


Yesterday, midnight found me standing on a stool speaking to a crowd trying to enjoy their pizza at Anna Maria's. I was in search of grease and melted cheese with some girlfriends visiting from Virginia. I was a little tipsy - okay I was ass-drunk - and was engaging in the running man (remember that AWESOME dance?) while we waited for our slices. So there I was, happily albeit drunkenly rockin' the running man when I noticed my friends seemed a little embarrassed.
"What?" I asked while still dancing. In answer they shuffled away.
"Oh. I see." I huffed. "You're embarrassed". They scooted farther away from me.
"Good God! This is New York City! People have conversations with the air, pee on street corners and masturbate on the subway. Nobody cares about a little running man in the pizza joint!" They didn't appear to believe me so I stood on a stool and clapped my hands.
"Everyone! Can I have your attention. My friends here are embarrassed that I'm dancing. But that's the beauty of the city, right? You all don't care about a little pizzeria dancing. In fact, you weren't even looking at me until now".

At this point, I notice my horrified husband, peering in the glass window of the pizza joint, wondering what his wife was doing standing on a stool speechifying to a crowd of strangers at midnight in the pizza place. I also realized I had the entire rooms' attention and nothing intelligent to say. Lucky for me our pizza came and we went. Oh the things alcohol does to me. I still don't think anyone in the joint gave my drunken idiocy a second thought and I heard a smattering of applause when I climbed down from the stool. Maybe the applause wasn't so much for the speech as for the fact that I was leaving. But I coulda took my top off and shimmied 'round the place and folks would pay me no mind. Now, if I picked my nose and tried to wipe it on someone - I believe I would get everyone's attention faster than I would waving a pistol around . Maybe I'll try the nose-picking approach next time I attempt drunken speeches at pizza joints. That or a little tampon flinging. That always seems to get everyone's attention.

Reader Comments (14)

Ahhh Monday mornings...they always make us reflect on what we did that was classified as drunken bizarre behavior by the masses over the weekend. I am here to tell you that your pizza parlour show is something I have done SOBER, so embrace your craziness because I swear that craziness is what keeps life interesting and spontaneous! Embrace your crazy dog lady on Berry Street is fantastic!

Happy Monday.
October 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise dreary Monday :)
October 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJenna
"the running dance" ummm. I do that when I have to piss.

BTW: That last You Tube for mom in law was weep-worthy. Bravo!
October 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe

You might consider jazzing up the Wikipedia entry on Marah. I don't know much about being an editor but you live with the history of Marah. Whatcha think?
October 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJB
Hang in there. Something's gotta give. The silver lining? You've gained so much perspective and life experience that you'd never get while busy writing news stories. It will happen.
October 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee

If it makes you feel any better, your husband and bandmates arrived safely in Dublin this morning. How do I know this? I'm at Dublin airport right now, and a look of stunned disbelief must have been on my face, because as I sat here on the floor, against the wall with the only power outlet, who should I see across the glass, disembarking from the Continental plane, than Dave, Serge, Kirk, Dave and Adam. No lie.

The one day I travel without my Marah t-shirt.
October 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
Oh.. that is so nice to hear! And funny that you, of all people, see them. Ha!
October 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Heh, not sure if they recognized me...their flight was late, and they looked pretty groggy.
October 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
So are comments going to be off now permanently? Not that it makes a difference but I was just wondering. Your comments are generally the funniest I've ever read. The readers crack me up.
October 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
It made me laugh a lot aldough in my culture you would be put behind a bar for performing like a that.
I heard of a man that is a brother of my uncle Mahmed's (the most handsome man of all Zagros and Dasht e kavir say the woman) nephew that a wife in the village Latkarish that possessed a nice body that make you foaming at the mouth standed on a barrel like a crazy cow in the village central place. A bull killed her with a horn poke weeks later. It was a punishment the elder claims.
In Farsi languge they say "a woman is like a goat; good for a milk but not for a playtoy.;)" (I am not against a women like many assume on this website). It is just an advise.

The tamp* again? I don't believe one bit of your word. You don't make a fool on me! It is likewise the Americans say: "My mother did not upbring a foolish person!" HAHAHA. All this is entertain for me. Hamad is just a working man in a box factory but not a foolish person therefore; I receive a joke too; haha. I like America and piza but the pita is better. lol

In all seriousnesnes dough: One step forward is like two back in this casing; it is a dance that cannot last a long time; haha. It could be easier to live in the place where you have a root; you could go again to Texas to your family. They shall forgive you for this piza dancing.
New York is a danger for a girl. At the least they make a good piza there! HAHAHAHA!!!!
October 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHamad al-Khalifa
Bring back comments! I've got things to say!
October 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
I do the running man sober, in classy restaurants, in front of my mother and her work people.

the end.

Oh and in these parts, people usually just masturbate on the street. I've even seen men masturbate within two blocks of the White House. Fitting, no?
October 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
When does Marah come to Los Angeles? Have they ever played at the whiskey a-go-go?
October 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermichael
I don't turn off comments to imply I don't enjoy or welcome your insight. I'm just messing around with it a bit to see if writing a piece without the intention of hearing feedback changes my writing, frees me up a bit when I know I won't be lauded or challenged. I do enjoy the comments. Love the arguments, debates... all of it.
October 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica

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