Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
« 730 Days | Main | Then It Hit Me »

An Open Letter To Mark Foley

Thanks for resigning but I'm afraid it just isn't enough. I implore you, kill yourself on pay-per-view and give the proceeds to a childrens charity. It's the least you can do. Really. You went out of your way to point your gnarled, smells-like-teen-butthole finger at Bill Clinton for having sex with a consenting adult then you and your self-righteous Republican cronies spend millions trying to impeach him. You've changed your tune faster than The Streisand during a farewell show now that you've been busted desperately trying to fuck a male teenager. I know, I know.. your attorney says you were drunk. You're an alcoholic... it's SO not your fault. My friend that smacked into a teenager and killed her with his Honda was totally wasted, man, so it's not really his fault either. My other friend cheated on his wife with her best friend. Fucked her right in their bedroom! He was drunk too! She should totally take him back though, right? It's not his fault. He didn't know what he was doing. In all seriousness Mr. Foley, you're giving alcoholics a bad name. Like comedienne Wanda Sykes says "alcohol might make you pee in your neighbor's yard but it don't make you turn into a pedophile. I've been really drunk but I've never bought Girl Scout cookies sayin' come 'ere baby, mama want a thin mint."

So were you drunk in 2002 when you were one of the foremost opponents of child pornography and introduced a bill to outlaw websites featuring sexually suggestive images of preteen children? "These websites are nothing more than a fix for pedophiles," you thundered gloriously! Was that the whiskey talking? Your legislation to change federal sex offender laws was signed by President Bush just this year. Bravo my good man! Changing the world one pervert at a time. Tell me though... what did you think when you were shaving your flapping jowels, forced to look yourself in your beady eyes in the bathroom mirror? Did you think you were above the law or was what was going on below the belt more important?
"These websites are nothing more than a fix for pedophiles!" you said. Fast forward to the release of steamy emails you were sending to teenage boys at the same time you were issuing the rally cry to "save the kids".
"I would drive a few miles for a hot stud like you? You said to the teen in one of your online chats. ('Hot stud' snicker snicker... you've been watching the gay porn, haven't you?)
You: I want to see you
Teen: Like I said not til feb…then we will go to dinner
You: and then what happens
Teen: we eat…we drink…who knows…hang out…late into the night
You: and...
Teen: I dunno
You: dunno what?
Teen: hmmm I have the feeling that you are fishing here…im not sure what I would be comfortable with…well see.

You and your Republican pals including the devil's mistress Ann Coulter are on board the bus to hell and "God" is jauntily shifting gears in the driver's seat.. His sandals give him a bit of trouble when he tries to work the clutch but, by God, he'll get you there. You and your pious political pals, so desperate to hold a seat at any cost (or worried their own skeletons might be exhumed) covered up your trail of tears for months and months.. AND, as icing on their shit cake - now they spin, spin, spin instead of simply saying "Holy fuck! what a hypocritical pervert our pal Foley turned out to be. Our bad!"

This is why I don't pay attention to anything you or any other politician says. Aside from the fact that you're all loudmouth, pompous, windbag power whores who only give the public the time of day come election time, you are all morally corrupt. I am well aware that corruption among the powerful is not limited to a particular political party but your extreme hypocrisy and the fact that you are still entitled to retirement benefits from the government spurred me to action (if sitting on my couch drinking wine and typing into my computer can be considered action... but listen, I'm unemployed and it's the most action I've seen all day) And if I have to pick sides I'd rather be on the team that fucks consenting female interns than the one that tries to fuck teenage boys whilst simultaneously crowing over legislation to crack down on internet perverts.

Now, if you'll excuse me - I have more important things to type, including hilarious missives about nipple hair, my dog, getting stoned and/or drunk (but not trying to fuck teens) fights with my husband and the various horrors of getting my vagina waxed. But you wouldn't be interested in vagina talk, would you?


Monica Bielanko
New York City

P.S. You can have The Streisand. We don't want her.

Reader Comments (28)

October 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy
standing up and applauding. couldn't agree any more.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
You're The Girl Who's my hero right now.

Now, about those nipples and the vagina stuff...
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Perfect...except when he is done reading it you should punch him in the face...then it would really be perfect!
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Wow that was heavy. Fuckin Eh. It’s true! A better political article was never written!

This guy makes me sick! The fucked up part about all this is that he will probably never sit one day in a federal Penthouse prison. And if this was anyone else, you, me, or my dog; we would be facing serious charges and prison time. Although in Mr. Foleys defense I’m sure he will probably chalk it up to “sex education course”. And get away with it! That sicko! What a piece of shit.

This Republican administration and its President will go down as the absolute worst in US. History. Bar none! The damage they are doing is phenomenal. I promise it will affect everyone long after they are gone. Well, everyone but the ultra rich. I'm sure you wont disagree with me on that point. It's a good time to be in the top 5%.

Remember when Bill Clinton was President? He was such a fantastic President! The middle class experienced a period in prosperity like never before. New and innovative small business were taking off left and right making money hand over fist. The new economy was here. Corporate workers paths were paved with 401k gold. And then the stock market started going down. And George Walker Bush was elected and … well that’s not really a fair assessment, but you get my drift. Anyone growing up during those years should remember how great it was. Strong dollar, strong exports, low unemployment, new jobs, semi-affordable housing, you could go on and on.

Hopefully these Republican darth vader’s will be voted out this November. I can only hope the simpleton “values voters” (aka suckers) that voted for this "President" doesn’t make a third mistake. But the sad thing is, you never know.

Personally I don’t disagree with some of the porn legislation; just because the man who wrote it is a piece of shit. Unlike the rest of you. I really think porn has gotten out of control. I mean come on. Porn isn’t really even porn anymore. It goes way too far. Up to a certain point its free speech, yea, but beyond that, I mean come on. I don’t want to write anything because I’ll get nauseous - but I’m sure most of you know what I mean. However this is not the time to argue this.

Well anyways. I really think its time for a third party. Why are there only two real choices? European countries don’t have this kind of set up. Their process opens a better window for grass roots parties to get on the ballot and prosper. But in the US we have the Republicrats 2 party system. Its just it’s almost impossible. Ahhhh! I’m going to drive myself nuts over this! Anyways. Yea. This sicko has got to go. They are all so corrupt. It’s so sad.

October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
For the benefit of the foreigners who have no clue who this guy is or what he's done (though we are well familiar with Mr Clinton...he's a bit of a hero Down Unda... but then we had a PM who was a Rhodes scholar and world record beer skuller at the same time so we put the oddest people on pedastals)

Anyway, who is this bloke? And whilst I can figure out what he's done...will he be brought to account for it?
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersfh
I read your blog nearly everyday and today I couldn't go by without commenting. Excellent. I don't think anyone could have said better.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPeace
Well said my dear......what assholes!
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSanna
When Wanda Sykes said that last night I thought I was going to die...
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Well done! I heard on Keith Oberman last night that Drudge and O'Reilly are trying to spin it to blame the teenager. How low can they get. My dh (a red, red rush limbaugh fan....other than that he's great) actually said he should be shot and fed to the roaches. That is telling you something.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermary
I'm pumping my fist in the air and jumping up and down and feeling all hyped up now (well, I am mentally because such behaviour would be inappropriate in the office). Very well put! Grrrrrr...
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Guy Fantasy
ALL politicians are scum.

But then again, all people are scum.

I'm writing in "Brown Bear" on the next election Ballot. Bout time we had an animal in office. Oh. wait. nevermind.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
im a republican. i dont condone porn of any kind. were not all bad, monica.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterghost
It's not the porn I mind so much as the hypocrisy. But like I said; corruption among the powerful is not limited to a particular political party.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Hey Girl

All I can Say ......

That was well DONE!!!!!!!!!!
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSailor Mike
Well said Monica! Now back to the interesting stuff like nipple hair and public sex.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
The hypocrisy makes me fucking crazy. And the damn hypocrisy is not just from the politicians, although they seem to be the best at it.....and it's scary because they are the ones with the power.

Remember Rush Limbaugh, my hero (not), and his rant about how all drug abusers should be locked away forever? After he was busted for the 'doctor shopping' to get the oxycontin he was addicted to he seemed to forget his opinion of all addicts and was he trying to get a little compassion? From me, nevah.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
I was quoting you at my work lunch today, and everyone was nodding ferociously. I gave credit where it was due, of course. I tell everyone I know about your blog. Your writing is amazing.

You so nailed that.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKDS
Why do you think you aren't good at writing??? That was great.
October 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
Thank you, for the best rebuttal I have read so far and especially coming from a woman. I will be quoting you at length because you nailed it girl. If you don't mind, I would love to have a link from my blog to yours because I couln't have said it better. You are my hero.
October 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRight Brained Gal
While I agree that Mark Foley is the scum of the earth, I do not agree that all politicians are morally corrupt. I've spent most of my adult life living and working in and around politics in Washington, DC and I can tell you for a fact that most politicians, from dog catcher to the President (ok, maybe not this one) are honest, hard working people out to make the world a better place. But like all professions, there are good people and bad. The bad ones get all the attention and all the press. The good ones you never hear about, because they are too busy doing what we elected them to do.

Most importantly, don't ever, ever, stay home on election day, no matter what you think. This is the government we have, we do have a say in how it works and who runs it, and if you don't vote you have no right to complain about who is running the show.

Don't mean to preach, but the "all politicians are scum" theory is a blanket generalization that just isn't true. Some days, it just seems like it.
October 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
I don't discriminate. You'll note I made an even more blanket generalization when I said I believe all people are scum. (Myself included).

Of course, this is solely based on my experience.
October 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
(stands up...points thumb up)

Better bile I've not read.
October 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe
Voting is restricted to 2 parties. They are both looking more like one in the same. Voters dont have any say when it comes to federal bills and other issues. Even when the voters are heard at the state level thier votes can be overturned by an activist judge in one second. This happened in CA with a bill that denied illegal immigrants CA taxpayer funded social services. It was overwhemingly voted in. Then promptly overturned by an ACLU judge.

Its time for a Third party. I hope Ralph Nader is running again. I will "throw away" my vote. As a protest vote. I suggest others to do the same. It's the only way to get rid of them Aside from a few key issues Democrats and Republicans are the same.

October 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Well Said!

“And if I have to pick sides I'd rather be on the team that fucks consenting female interns than the one that tries to fuck teenage boys whilst simultaneously crowing over legislation to crack down on internet perverts.” What a great one line summary!!

I also liked the reference to Ann Coulter as the devil’s mistress.
October 5, 2006 | Registered CommenterErinS
If you kept Republicans out of it you would have it about right. I'm physically sick over what Mark Foley did and being an alcoholic and a victim of sexual abuse is not an excuse. I love how people think that going to rehab makes everything better.

Bottom line is that I'm a Republican against any kind of political corruption (be it Republican or Democrat). But we can't throw the baby out with the bath water. Not all Republicans are bad. Most have their heart and their morals in place.

However, I do think there is more to this story and before elections are all said and done, more facts will materialize.

I'll keep reading your blog, Monica, because I think you're a fantastic writer and photographer. I will not let our difference in opinion get in the way of that.
October 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChelle
I was thinking the exact same thing about Mark. Loved the way you articulated it.
October 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>