Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Not Qualified

"Williamsburg video store seeks student to fill clerk position. You MUST live in Williamsburg. We are looking for someone who is extremely detail-oriented, professional, and courteous. You must be able to work in a fast-paced environment and multi-task with ease. Although we are not specifically looking for film majors, you MUST have a broad and detailed knowledge of film, including directors, actors, and genres, both domestic and foreign. No previous video store experience is required.

This position is part-time, approximately 20 hours per week. You must be able and willing to work weekends and some holidays.

Please send cover letter and resume. Please include:
1) Where you go to school;
2) What you’re studying;
3) What you think you can bring to this position;
4) Any previous related experience, including retail experience;
5) What level of pay you’re looking for; and
6) What level of film knowledge you have, with specific examples."

Where I come from any drooling retard with an ability to pick nose and talk on the phone while impatient customers wait in line can get a job at at the video store. But in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, the creative capital of the free world, apparently you need to be an aspiring director with an extensive knowledge of all genres of film. What level of film knowledge do I have? Is that on a 1-10 scale? Specific examples? Um - I watched Citizen Kane twice? Is that good enough?

I wonder if hostesses at the taco dive around the corner have to want to open a restaurant in the near future? Do I have to want to be on Project Runway to work at the vintage clothing store down the street? Is it like the job at GAP that I applied for while in college? As a pre-hire test they let all us wannabe retail workers loose on the floor with only ten minutes to come up with a trendy ensemble. The poor bastard that paired khaki pants with a horizontally striped t-shirt was cut from the team for lack of originality and style. Like, OMIGOD, how boring! That was SO not a key season piece for Fall 1996! "Think flared jeans and fitted sweaters!" the flamboyantly gay store manager lisped. So the vintage clothing store is out. Hipster freaks looking to supplement their artistic endeavors will out-style me any day of the week with their innate knowledge of how to turn Grandma's housecoat into a fancy over-the-leggings-and-ballet-flats ensemble. Just add chunky necklace and fugly sunglasses and VOILA!

Holy shit, I'm screwed for employment.

Reader Comments (41)

GORGEOUS PICS. I love reading you
October 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermary the greek
i moved to london 2 weeks ago from my little town in spain, and it's all the same here. even to get a job in places like pret à manger or mcdonald's seems to be difficult at the moment...god, right now i'd be happy just making sandwiches.

PS: your writing is great, i enjoy reading you very much. and sorry if i make mistakes...trying to improve my english.
October 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterzu
You don't want to work at a video joint anyway. I think it's three Citizen Kane viewings that puts you in the upper eschelon (sp?)
October 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
If you are not on the up and up with your film knowledge, then how will you answer the question, "Which was funnier, Weekend at Bernies 1 or 2?"
October 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterIsaac
Definitely 1. Is that the one with the waterskiing corpse? Oh Andrew Mccarthy, how you have fallen since Pretty In Pink.
October 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Sounds a little intense and competative to get that film rental job!

I'm a little sensitive to preconceptions regarding jobs---> I answer phones at a hotel and it's awkward meeting people for the first time when they ask, 'what do you do?'. They never really have a response after I tell them about my lowly job. Now I just say, 'I'm a smooth operator'.
October 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
I'm about to be made redundant and had a meeting with the Outplacement Consultants last week. I asked them about the ridiculous demands so many job ads insisted were 'essential requirements' and she said it was a load of rubbish - just to cull the numbers of applications they receive to those who are outgoing, confident and may only have some of the requirements.

I'd be tempted to write a really sarky response/fake application to that video store just for the fun of it.
October 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersfh
I have been rejected from at least 2 volunteer positions---volunteer, charitable NO $-- that I still wonder wtf? It doesn't even pay and you can get rejected? I don't even have a criminal record--when did jobs get so high falutin'?
October 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercb
Rejected from volunteer positions? What the hell? The video clerks at my local store wouldn't know Citizen Kane from their ass. I don't think it's the jobs that are high falutin' but the people who write the ads.
October 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
The "qualifications" that are in job hire descriptions today are just unreasonable and just plain ridicules. When you add it up all the fibbing on applications seems to have taken its toll. And employers seem to be expecting just a "little" too much. Don’t take it literally; tell them whatever they want to hear. This is hard to do when you’re a realistic/honest person.Or a "former director of video news production” (that works right?) And whatever you do stay away from those newspaper classified ads.
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Why are you stooping so low as to apply for a job in a video store? Forget it. Perhaps this is a sign that you should go back to Utah? You might have to take down the girl who site though. You don’t want anyone finding out. That or you could cave and post ad sense ads. From the looks of your fans, some therapy or psychologist ads might be a good revenue generator.8)
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Cripes, come to BC Canada where you can have your pick of minimum wage jobs, no degree required! Of course you won't make much, get any respect and barely survive.
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Please apply for that job:

1) Where you go to school: School of Hard Knocks
2) What you’re studying: Life
3) What you think you can bring to this position: Doritos
4) Any previous related experience, including retail experience: Watched Citizen Kane TWICE and have rented numerous videos from big chain video stores. as well as small independent stores across the country.
5) What level of pay you’re looking for: In the words of Dr. Evil… “A Million Dollars…bwa ha ha ha”
6) What level of film knowledge you have, with specific examples. As previously stated, watched Citizen Kane TWICE. Also, studied the movie “Clerks” and “Clerks II” and possess the skills required to handle the responsibilities of a video store clerk.
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStarsky
XMASTIME is hiring! You need to be:

1) willing to talk about food constantly
2) WAY into 'Hoosiers'

...well. I guess that's it actually. Can't pay much to begin, but I make up for it by not giving benefits either. See ya at the office!
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Tee he he! A what? *giggle* A Job? Like seriously. Its not like I'm 30. Silly you! I guess you didnt know about my ROCK STAR husband? Who pays all the bills? With this kind of status I'm not qualified for any job. Much less one that involves movies. Ummm. I'm like a rock stars wife? Film. Music. duuuh.

Well we have a gig here in Broklyn tonight. Oh silly me! *giggle*.. I should explain for those of you not in "The Biz" and who can't understand industry talk. Gig is a musical show. Like a concert?
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
ugh. will someone tell michael to shut the fuck up?

Okay. I'll do it.

Michael, shut the fuck up.
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterz
Michael - you apparently have no sense of humor at all and wouldn't understand sarcasm if it fucked you in the ass. Why do you even read this blog?
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJenna
Whoa. Why do the comments on this blog always degenerate to negativity. Ignore the haters people. They're just trying to get a rise out of you. Monica's a big girl and I'm sure she can take it. Monica, keep your head up and as I'm sure you've heard a million times, the right job will come along. I enjoy your writing, especially The Girl Who chapters. You have too much talent to waste doing something that doesn't involve writing.
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLee
"Ugh". Thats what I said when I saw your beard Z. Just shave it off already k?
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Jenna -

Read my earlier post I understand it. It’s not 100% "sarcastic" it is true that hire ads have these kinds of bogus "qualification" requirements. For low paying jobs.

I don’t know why I read this blog. I'm probably an odd ball on here. I'm under 30. I own my own business. I drive a Range Rover. I live in West LA. I'm a yuppie (pass the hair gel please8)). I'm responsible too. Hmmm...Like I said - probably the odd ball on here. 8)
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Range Rover-driving, gel-wearing yuppie..... wanker.
Same thing.
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
Michael seems to be the only one around here that has a decent I.Q. and E.Q. The rest of you suck ass but have delusions that you are smart and witty.
I come here because this blog intrigues and disgusts me at the same time. Quick everyone! Skan to cee if eye made any spellling meestakes to prove that i am Stupid to.
Monica, you live in NYC, the center of the universe. Why is it so damn hard for you to get a job?
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBeg2Defer
8). Yes. Thats correct. Right now I'm actually wearing a dark pink D.T. dress shirt and a blue silk George Machado tie. I'm not sitting in my pajamies moping around my house all day.

October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Thanks B2D. I come on for the same reason.
Hope they dont call me stupid becuase of my spelling mistakes ethir. Had a few of those already. And really could you say it any better? NY is the CU. Jobs are a dime a dozen for sure...
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
I'm curious as to what "disgusts" you so much about this blog? Anyone that writes how smart they are, drives a range rover, owns their own business blah blah blah disgusts me. Who cares? I don't. Nobody does. I come here because Monica is real, she doesn't care about brands and cars and that shit and I can relate with her thoughts on love and life and social anxiety. If either of you two had the balls to lay your life out like that for public consumption I am certain we could find fault with millions of things.
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I used to be a lowly life without an occupying, and life as a farmer like my father did not suit me fine at al.Little crops grows on the land of Fars.:( That is the reason why I left to Europe to find a decent occupying to send money to my daughters.

As a consequense of my look and name (they adviced to shave of my moustach it made me look like a stranger too much; yes , they are racism in Europa too) I did not find a job. Freinds that came from Fars either needed to take care of myself.They learned me the English and German (ich bin Hamad, wie gehds? dieser blog ist gans spitze! auf wedersehen meine gute freunde LOL) that I talk with now (i know it is not perfect but I am still learning.)

Do not worry for Hamad, I am not a lazy homeles human, now i have a respectfully job. I put boxes together and only have to work 9 hores in a day. If only my dead father could sea me now he would cry a tear; i could buy 2 mules every month with my "salaris" (i don't know the word in English)..
Keep up the nice work, you will find work if you are qualified and work hard like your friend Hamad did. LOL :) SUckses!

October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHAmad A K
I be happy trading my most prized goat to get know who this comic, HAmad is.
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
Oh.How Touching!

Well I know she’s real. But she is the one who puts all this jazz on her site for everyone to see. Call me crazy however I for one am "disgusted" when people knowingly and intentionally commit sin like. Hmm. Let me see….adultery with a married man 25 years older than them for 3+ years with a kid? Knowingly and intentionally – every, single, time? It does tell you something about their overall character. I have known enough cheaters.

I sincerely enjoy the writing. Yes if I was a writer and posted everything like this - oh wow - yes there are things everyone would ridicule me for. It’s like that that with everyone. For shore. But I sure have not committed these kinds of huge sins. And no all sins are not equal so don’t give me that it’s all the same Schick.

The bottom line is this. We live in the real world. Action and results are what count. Not stewing all day.

People who are “materialistically” successful might disgust you. But I think since they can afford nice houses, nice cars, clothes, kids etc (assuming they did it on their own not by mommy and daddy ) that says they have the skills and the self discipline to make it work by producing the required results through action. That’s allot different than moping around the house all day not having Schick to show for anything.

October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
The thing that I'm sure most of Monica's readers luv about her is that she is human. Real. And she writes about it.

Life is messy sometimes, and once we realize that and LEARN from our mistakes (gosh, yes Michael- everyone makes mistakes), well--> that's what makes us wise.

Monica is a good storyteller, whether you approve of her subject matter or not.

I will now stop encouraging Michael. The End
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
Michael, it's Schtick, not Schick
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdeborah
It's shtick.
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGrammar Police
Um, sorry this is off topic (i.e., not about Michael) but what happened to the message board, stories, and idle chatter? Cruel Halloween joke?
October 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Oh, also, on topic...I thought this post was funny. I'm not qualified to be a video store clerk, either!
November 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
yeah what has happened to Idle Chatter, Your Stories etc..please tell me they aren't gone for good!
November 1, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
Do you guys like those sections? I just thought I had a lotta shit going on for just one blog?
November 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Yes, we LOVE those sections! How else am I going to hear Richelle's crazy stalker stories? Or discuss TV shows? Or just be random? Besides, I have to tell you something - I posted a while back about looking at the flickr of my husband's ex girlfriend, and in a weird twist of internet fate, she found my username, googled it, and volia! found out I have a blog and was cyber-obesseing over her photos. What will i do if people from my past can't google this username and find the shit I"ve written about them on this website???
November 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Oh shit! I remember you telling me about her! Did she remove her photos? Now we both have embarrassing stories about our husband's ex-girls. I feel so much better.
November 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I love idle chatter and your stories! I check in everyday, even on the weekends! Call me a dork, I don't care, but I love hearing Richelle talk about her hubby, that shit makes me laugh and think I am not so crazy after all! I like reading stupid shit!
The message boards were cool too!
November 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Not only did she not remove her photos, she couldn't have been nicer to me. She wrote me a really nice email. I'm such the asshole in this situation! Did I ever tell you we used to be friends? Ah, now the truth comes out! I'm a bitch!
November 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW

Please forgive my child. I don't know where I went wrong. The "Range Rover" that Mikey is so proud of is actually a 1974 postal service model that his father won in a game of seven card stud right before he ran off with Mrs. Lake from next door. He was a cheap little man, good riddance, I said. I keep telling Michael that he can't call selling Star Maps on Hollywood and Vine, "Owning his own business." He spends more on gas for that old heap in one day than he makes from those god awful things in one week. As for calling himself a "yuppie" or Young Urban Professional, as I understand that word to mean:
1. Mikey has never read Tom Wolfe,
2. never listened to Jackson Browne,
3. is hardly a profesional, and
4. lives in Culver City, and as anyone with any sense knows, our dear Los Angeles is the biggest suburb in the world, nothing actually urban about it.
And I doubt many Yuppies spend their Saturday nights eating Klondike bars and watching Adult Swim with their friends named Ramon.
At any rate, you're a dear girl who lays it all out there and I applaud you for it. Go take on the world like Mary Tyler Moore! (BTW, as the kids say, I glanced at your photos and your chest is magnificent! It makes this old dame yearn for her more wild and perky days.)
And Michael, stay out of mommy's hair gel, and out of my bathroom altogether. It is very impolite to take things without asking.

Love, Mom
November 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael's Mom
Mikey is just trying not to curse where he knows his mom might read it. He still says, "H-E-Double Hockey Sticks" when I'm around. I love my boy, such cute little fucker.

November 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael's Mom

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