Tuesday
Nov212006
It Seemed Like The Real Thing, But I Was So Blind
Man. I am jonesing to be funny. But the funny, she won't come. Don't get me wrong, I feel funny. I feel hilarious. It just won't translate. Or maybe I'm just rusty for lack of journaling practice. Lots has happened in the past week. I saw every single person I wanted to see in Utah (and Colorado), with the exception of a coupla news broads that call Park City home. Sorry 'bout that girls but we can attempt to rock that threesome next time. Oh stop. You, your morality clauses and your Mormon viewership can rest easy, I won't use your names.
In the past week I mended a tortured heart (mine), cried over days gone by, felt hopeful about the future, rediscovered I have the most beautiful best friend in all the world in Utah and was lucky enough to find someone just like her in New York City, fell in love, again, road-tripped with kids, climbed to an arch, had lunch with an ex-boyfriend (yup, that one) blew off another ex and visited with every single member of my immediate family. Which ain't no easy task considering one is behind bars and another is out-of-state.
Shit, I have thought so much, analyzed me, my life, what I've done, where I'm going and I'll be goddamned if I didn't determine that I am in the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time. Here is why:
We all have that dream, whatever it is. Yours is to be an actress, his is to be a professional baseball player, hers is to raise a family, mine is to write for a living. These dreams are hopeful images of ourselves we've carried in our pockets all these years. Like glossy photographs of loved ones carefully tucked into leather wallet flaps, we pull out those dreams and look at them when we need a reminder, when we're feeling lost. But like so many other things misplaced in the course of living, inevitibly, many of us let go of the dream. Life gets in the way. We exchange personal freedom and happiness for better paying jobs, we neglect personal growth to focus on our children, buy homes, conform to the norm.
Slowly, we release our dreams and they float into the sky like helium balloons. For awhile they hang within reach.. but slowly they float higher and drift away, out of our grasp. And we let them. We may cast a longing eye in their direction from time to time... and for a while we can still see them, bobbing along far up in the sky. Eventually they contract into tiny pinpoints on the horizon and then POP! The dream is gone. We forfeited the dream. Out of responsibility? Obligation? Fear of the unknown? All three? It happened so gradually we weren't fully aware of what was happening.. oh, the dream was always there, in the back of our mind and then we blinked and it disappeared. We blinked and we're 45 with 3 kids, a mortgage, two cars and credit cards and and and... What now? What happened? Who AM I? What is it I want to do? BLAMMO! Mid-life crisis. Mom is dressing like a high schooler, flirting with the bag boy and Dad is riding a panic button red porsche and his 23-year-old secretary, respectively.
This past week I pulled out my dream, dusted it off and took a good, long look. I don't want to keep letting life happen to me. I want to make life happen. I want to be a writer. I want to write about stuff we all deal with but don't necessarily talk about. I don't want to write for any other reason than to relate to you, whoever you are. It makes me feel better about myself. If I ain't ready to submit to therapy just yet, I'm gonna talk it out with all of you, whoever and wherever you are. I live for the "me too!" moments in conversations. Or the comedian jokes that make you laugh because "that is SO true!". So yeah. A big ol' jumbley jumble of thoughts. I am happy and hopeful and glad I am me and glad you like to come here and read.
I grew up a bit like that helium balloon I mentioned earlier. Floating through saintly suburbia on a wind current of Mormon ideals. Graduate, get married, buy house, have babies... End of. That's how it went. I felt so cosmopolitan escaping Orem, simply moving to Salt Lake City that I lived off that buzzing of accomplishment for most of my twenties. But I knew something was missing, I just didn't know what. It all felt too routine. Too planned. Then my beloved RockBoy came along and did his profession justice. He rocked me to the core. But let's be honest. I wasn't quite over the other guy and because I got married so quickly he haunted the beginning of my marriage. He lingered at the breakfast table, he peered over my husband's shoulder. What if. What if. Yeah, it's not fair but that's the way it was. Life is messy. Relationships don't end cleanly. Never do. There is blood and gore and anger and resentment and love and hate. And I ran away from it. Until I went back. And realized that he only haunted me for the obvious reasons; He didn't want me. He broke up with me. "Dammit!" I thought. We're meant to be! He just doesn't know it yet. What a waste of time. What an unnecesary expenditure of emotion. God, if I knew someone would take one piece of advice from me it would be this; if he ain't into you, fuck 'im. Maybe he's a nice fella, maybe that confuses you.. Sometimes it seems like he wants you, other times it doesn't. And so you hang around, certain you will be so amazing he won't be able to help but see that you are the girl of his dreams! Don't waste another second! Don't give up another piece of yourself! Seriously. Please! If you move on, REALLY move on, I promise one of two scenarios will occur:
1) you will eventually forget about this guy and find Someone Better.
2) this guy will suddenly decide you're the girl for him, usually right when you've found Someone Better.
If it's the latter that occurs, I leave it in your capable hands to decide if his newly declared love for you is for real or not. I will concede that some of you men, as the great eighties metal band Cinderella once shouted/sang "Don't know whatcha got, til it's gone". But shit, either way, whatchoo got to lose, girl? Nothin'! Either way you move on and end up with the guy for you, Any alternative other than the aforementioned leaves you tortured and feeling like a spineless, willpowerless shell. God, if I only had someone sit me down and slap that kind of sense into me four years ago. Don't pine for the guy who didn't want you. He is not what you thought he was. He will never live up to the image you have of him in your head. Just let your ego take the shrapnel and move on! Sorry for the long winded lecture. I've been thinking, talking and now, obviously, writing in run-on sentences for the past few weeks.
But about that dream, my dream; I live in the greatest city in the world, with the most brilliant man in the world, I am fortunate to know people I believe are some of the most amazing people to walk the planet. Really. It is good. I feel good. Nothing in my past is left undone. There are no loose ends. I've confronted it all and I have determined that I am where I am supposed to be; with The Surge in New York City.
In the past week I mended a tortured heart (mine), cried over days gone by, felt hopeful about the future, rediscovered I have the most beautiful best friend in all the world in Utah and was lucky enough to find someone just like her in New York City, fell in love, again, road-tripped with kids, climbed to an arch, had lunch with an ex-boyfriend (yup, that one) blew off another ex and visited with every single member of my immediate family. Which ain't no easy task considering one is behind bars and another is out-of-state.
Shit, I have thought so much, analyzed me, my life, what I've done, where I'm going and I'll be goddamned if I didn't determine that I am in the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time. Here is why:
We all have that dream, whatever it is. Yours is to be an actress, his is to be a professional baseball player, hers is to raise a family, mine is to write for a living. These dreams are hopeful images of ourselves we've carried in our pockets all these years. Like glossy photographs of loved ones carefully tucked into leather wallet flaps, we pull out those dreams and look at them when we need a reminder, when we're feeling lost. But like so many other things misplaced in the course of living, inevitibly, many of us let go of the dream. Life gets in the way. We exchange personal freedom and happiness for better paying jobs, we neglect personal growth to focus on our children, buy homes, conform to the norm.
Slowly, we release our dreams and they float into the sky like helium balloons. For awhile they hang within reach.. but slowly they float higher and drift away, out of our grasp. And we let them. We may cast a longing eye in their direction from time to time... and for a while we can still see them, bobbing along far up in the sky. Eventually they contract into tiny pinpoints on the horizon and then POP! The dream is gone. We forfeited the dream. Out of responsibility? Obligation? Fear of the unknown? All three? It happened so gradually we weren't fully aware of what was happening.. oh, the dream was always there, in the back of our mind and then we blinked and it disappeared. We blinked and we're 45 with 3 kids, a mortgage, two cars and credit cards and and and... What now? What happened? Who AM I? What is it I want to do? BLAMMO! Mid-life crisis. Mom is dressing like a high schooler, flirting with the bag boy and Dad is riding a panic button red porsche and his 23-year-old secretary, respectively.
This past week I pulled out my dream, dusted it off and took a good, long look. I don't want to keep letting life happen to me. I want to make life happen. I want to be a writer. I want to write about stuff we all deal with but don't necessarily talk about. I don't want to write for any other reason than to relate to you, whoever you are. It makes me feel better about myself. If I ain't ready to submit to therapy just yet, I'm gonna talk it out with all of you, whoever and wherever you are. I live for the "me too!" moments in conversations. Or the comedian jokes that make you laugh because "that is SO true!". So yeah. A big ol' jumbley jumble of thoughts. I am happy and hopeful and glad I am me and glad you like to come here and read.
I grew up a bit like that helium balloon I mentioned earlier. Floating through saintly suburbia on a wind current of Mormon ideals. Graduate, get married, buy house, have babies... End of. That's how it went. I felt so cosmopolitan escaping Orem, simply moving to Salt Lake City that I lived off that buzzing of accomplishment for most of my twenties. But I knew something was missing, I just didn't know what. It all felt too routine. Too planned. Then my beloved RockBoy came along and did his profession justice. He rocked me to the core. But let's be honest. I wasn't quite over the other guy and because I got married so quickly he haunted the beginning of my marriage. He lingered at the breakfast table, he peered over my husband's shoulder. What if. What if. Yeah, it's not fair but that's the way it was. Life is messy. Relationships don't end cleanly. Never do. There is blood and gore and anger and resentment and love and hate. And I ran away from it. Until I went back. And realized that he only haunted me for the obvious reasons; He didn't want me. He broke up with me. "Dammit!" I thought. We're meant to be! He just doesn't know it yet. What a waste of time. What an unnecesary expenditure of emotion. God, if I knew someone would take one piece of advice from me it would be this; if he ain't into you, fuck 'im. Maybe he's a nice fella, maybe that confuses you.. Sometimes it seems like he wants you, other times it doesn't. And so you hang around, certain you will be so amazing he won't be able to help but see that you are the girl of his dreams! Don't waste another second! Don't give up another piece of yourself! Seriously. Please! If you move on, REALLY move on, I promise one of two scenarios will occur:
1) you will eventually forget about this guy and find Someone Better.
2) this guy will suddenly decide you're the girl for him, usually right when you've found Someone Better.
If it's the latter that occurs, I leave it in your capable hands to decide if his newly declared love for you is for real or not. I will concede that some of you men, as the great eighties metal band Cinderella once shouted/sang "Don't know whatcha got, til it's gone". But shit, either way, whatchoo got to lose, girl? Nothin'! Either way you move on and end up with the guy for you, Any alternative other than the aforementioned leaves you tortured and feeling like a spineless, willpowerless shell. God, if I only had someone sit me down and slap that kind of sense into me four years ago. Don't pine for the guy who didn't want you. He is not what you thought he was. He will never live up to the image you have of him in your head. Just let your ego take the shrapnel and move on! Sorry for the long winded lecture. I've been thinking, talking and now, obviously, writing in run-on sentences for the past few weeks.
But about that dream, my dream; I live in the greatest city in the world, with the most brilliant man in the world, I am fortunate to know people I believe are some of the most amazing people to walk the planet. Really. It is good. I feel good. Nothing in my past is left undone. There are no loose ends. I've confronted it all and I have determined that I am where I am supposed to be; with The Surge in New York City.
Introspection
Reader Comments (49)
I am glad that there are people that has went through the same things I have.
1) I love the new template. Great stuff.
2) Sometimes, it's the getting away that makes you really appreciate what you've got. Stepping outside of yourself and your life for a little bit can be rewarding, and it looks like it worked out for you.
Glad you made it home safe and sound!
Sometimes it takes going back home and looking at the past to figure our your future, spurs you to follow your dreams and do what your passion is!
But thinking again, maybe this is your actual arrival. Maybe you couldn't really be settled here until you settled things there.
So in that vein, welcome to New York. Please put litter in its place; kindly curb your dog; and cross at the "green," not inbetween.
Bloomberg will be by later on with the key to the city!
Keep up the good work and enjoy New York!
This is the first time I write here but I've been reading your blog for so long. I just want to thank you for your job and of course because I think I'm learning English with your texts!(so sorry foy my poor English)
And about this post...the only thing really important in this life is know how to move on just doing what we believe in.
You make me remember a catalan poem written by Joan Maragall (the most important catalan poet of the last century). It ends in this way (more or less):
Outside land, outside beach,
forget to turn back:
your trip hasn't finished,
and it will never end.
(Well, it sounds so different in the original language, if someone knows Catalan here I put the correct one:
Fora terra, fora platja,
oblidat de tot regrés:
no s'acaba el teu viatge,
no s'acabará mai més.)
Thanks again and cheers form Barcelona!
I'm glad you came to the conclusion that you are right where you need to be.....moving is easy, it's being content that takes a bit - but once your there everything falls into place.
I sense good things coming Monica! Trust me...I know things!
It was really nice to hear you being so light and positive. You're a true artist in the way that you see life, feel life and express life. But even in your "dark" times I find beauty in your pain. (I know that last bit sounds bad and mean, but it's not, for those who understand what I mean)
Can't wait to see you at Irving Plaza. We will have some Christmas cheer together. Now go to it all Monica - whatever you want - go do it!
You mentioned that you love those "me too!" revelations. I have that experience almost every time I read here, and we have very little in common.
Welcome home.
"God, if I knew someone would take one piece of advice I from me it would be this; if he ain't into you, fuck 'im. Maybe he's a nice fella, maybe that confuses you.. Sometimes it seems like he wants you, other times it doesn't. And so you hang around, certain you will be so amazing he won't be able to help but see that you are the girl of his dreams! Don't waste another second! Don't give up another piece of yourself! Seriously."
I needed that.
Brilliant!
And about the new template...I'm afraid I have to agree with some of the others - the old one was more NYC, carried a bit more punch. This design feels more suited for say, a book cover/jacket? Either way, gorgeous photo at the top.
Oh, and have a Happy Thanksgiving! I just got a peek of the Macy's store windows tonight, and it finally sunk in that the holidays are coming. It's a bummer I won't get to see the parade my first Thanksgiving in NYC, but I'm headed to FL to be with my dad...and I 2nd Richelle - see you at the Irving Plaza show?!
www.glossary.us
Am still deciding if I like this version of the website or not. I'd really like to know what y'all think. I can see what you mean Ali, by Estee Lauder. The other one WAS a bit more New York... But the templates and spacing on the other one bugged me.. The spacing was off. This version is centered, you don't have to slide left or right to get the page centered and it looks the same in both Firefox and Explorer, the other one didn't. Maybe I'll tweak this one more.. Pic of NY instead of me? Maybe.. Ideas, anyone?
Plus that picture of you was so natural and pretty like you were a clean slate moving back.
I'm just sayin'.
Plus, I happen to dig pink. And cheese.
Are you still going to post some of The Surge's writings? I liked his NY Hair story!
Do you two just sit around and tell each other stories... no need for TV!
PS I liked the small pic of Max above your copyright
As we used to say in 7th grade - NOT!
I really don't get it. New York is a sink. It has really nasty people. Its crowded. Its Dirty. Its Expensive. Upward mobility is Nil. I just dont get what is so fascinating about living there in a red brick apartment building. Especially when you could be in a house in Utah gaining equity in Real Estate. There are other places besides Salt Lake, Provo, Orem etc..
It must be the telivision image of New York. Acting like a New Yorker everyday etc.
I need to tattoo your advice on my stupid heart! My problem is that the guy I want doesn't know I want him and that allows me to excuse his apparent disinterest. And we're sort of friends, so it's just complicated. But you were so right: I think if he understood just how amazing I really am, he'd be into me! I still argue with myself about it, but it's intellect vs. heart and heart is wilfully obstinately stupid. if you read this more advice would be appreciated!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)
Miiiichaellllll....stop posting inane garbaage about home equity and market index funds before your souuuuulllll is lost for eterrrrrnitttty...you are a shallllowwww, blinnnnddd, absssurrddd little boy...
**ooowwwooooohoohoohooo***