Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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My Defining Moment... Or Lack Thereof

Inevitibly, the topic comes up.

"So how did you lose your virginity?" I've heard some good stories. The co-worker, who, at 13, fucked his 17 year old babysitter. The high school girlfriend whose cherry was popped in her bedroom when her boyfriend climbed in her window on her birthday while her parents slept across the hall.

I wish I had a clear recollection of the defining moment when I lost my virginity. You know, a snazzy anecdote to share at say, dinner parties, the bar, or a nice little bedtime story for the kids. Something along the lines of, Yeah, I was in the back seat of Joey's Mom's Taurus while Ace of Base sang "I Saw The Sign" on the car stereo. It was, like, sooo romantic. Something fun and teenagey like that. Or this; it was at Heather's swimming pool party. In her Mom's pool changing room. I totally felt like a woman afterward. Wait, wasn't that an episode of 90120? No, that was the other classic deflowering story; losing the ol' V-Card on prom night. Oh, Brenda and Dylan you rascals!

My story is nothing as 90210 or Laguna Beachy keen as all that. It would sound somewhere along the lines of "My virginity? Um, not really sure when I lost that. I misplaced it somewhere between March and June of 1994... can't really say exactly when." Thing is, I don't know exactly when I lost my virginity. Yeah, I know the four month span in which I lost it, oh yes. That resulted in the pregnancy at 17. But the months before the pregnancy? A long, sweaty trek through the desert of dry humping that ultimately lead to months of wet underwear action - couch tango - a dance with plenty of dipping, if you know what I mean.

But try as I might, I simply cannot pinpoint that specific moment when I came away feeling as if the fella had absconded with my virginity. The degrees along the thermometer to intercourse were so slight. From over-the-underwear action, the degrees climbed to a hotter temperature at which I pulled the crotch of the underwear aside to allow him to "just touch me there with his thing. Only for a second... It's okay. I won't put it in, I'll just let it sit there... Oooh. That feels so good, let me just push it in a little bit."
"No! You have to go home!"

"Let me just slide it in a tiny bit. Just the tip."
"Okay." So was that it? Was that the time? Is that my de-virginization story. Certainly no Judy Blume novel, is it? Or was it the time he slid it in halfway before the angel Moroni appeared to us over the sofa in a vision and told us we were headed for hell in a hurry if we continued the Humpty Dance and we had better set to reading The Book of Mormon (immediately!) if we had any hope of salvation. Maybe it was the time he stuck it most of the way in (my boyfriend, not the angel Moroni, silly!) for 5 seconds? Nah. It couldn't have been that time because my underwear was still on. Sure he shoved the crotch of my flimsy cotton panties nearly to my cervix with his dick.. but still - underwear is underwear and everyone knows it's presence alleviates any likelihood that sex is occurring or about to occur between two God fearing young Latter-Day-Saints. You know, like anal sex and blow jobs. Like, I can still go on a mission and get married in the temple and all, because, like, all those blow jobs from the cheerleaders? They don't count as sex. And, like, the time in the locker room? When I stuck my dick in John's asshole to see what it felt like? That doesn't count as sex either.Oh my heck! I would NEVER have sex, my body is like, totally a temple and stuff.

But I digress. What I'm saying is, I don't have that defining memory of losing my virginity under the stars with Sammy, or hell, just under the bleachers with David. It was such a gradiation of couch activity that I just can't say for sure. Not having a Lost My Virginity story is akin to missing your prom. Like Iona, played by Annie Potts, in the classic eighties flick, Pretty In Pink said:
"A girlfriend of mine didn't go to hers. Once in awhile she gets a terrible feeling, like something is misisng. She checks her purse and her keys, she counts her kids, she goes crazy. And then she realizes that... NOTHING is missing. She decided it was side effects from skipping the prom."
Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up and always searching.. like the woman who skipped her prom, I have side effects from lack of a proper de-virginization story.

Reader Comments (18)

Somehow I think that your story is more interesting than most of the stories I have been told by girlfriends. You have a bizarre telling of non sex that resulted in pregnancy - not exactly a happy story but bizarre non the less.

*not my losing my virginity story...*I have a story of sitting at the dinner table with my folks after they came home from being away for a couple of days. My father spots something on the carpet...a slight off colour in the beige sea of the living room. He crawls up to it on his knees and starts to examine it with my is crusted over slightly and then in horror I realize what it is. My dad scratches it with his finger and smells it. I continue to eat my beans hoping that they will think it is spoiled milk. My father realizes what it is, screams at me - says that I am going to be kicked out of 'his' house...I am such a slut...bla bla bla. Then my mom starts to yell at me for not using a condom and how I was stupid not to have safe sex.

I had to protect myself - so I yelled back at them with the truth - 'I didn't have sex with him! That is why I didn't need a condom! It was just a blow job mom - GOD!'

Ahhhh classy teenage memories...
November 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Oh my god Richelle! That is so funny! I have a similar story but it involves a spot on my bedspread. Monica, your story is a good lesson to all the young girls who think they can't get pregnant if there underwear is on or the guy doesn't "stick it all the way in".
November 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Richelle, love that story. I have my own horror stories of my parents finding things out.

Monica, who cares how you lost your virginity? I used to sort of wish I had a lovely, romantic story, but honestly I don't remember much of it. I wasn't drunk or high, I am just not one of those people who can recall any sort of sex in detail years later. I remember my first kiss, but not my first blow job. I remember the stuff that counts - my wedding day, my daughter's birthday, my best friend as a kid. I live and die for those 80's teen movies, but I think they steered us wrong on that image of a perfect, romantic night. And they totally screwed us when it comes to the prom.

November 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
these post is NOT decent, nothing at all.You are a amazon woman wild and without care. I hope that the wifes who read it are not insulted by your s*x talking. Please behave, or i am not coming back. you have me shocked....

h. a. k.
November 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commentera shocking reader
Oh Monica, this was too funny, and Richelle's too. I was also a wee bit shocked to start with, but it's just too funny & close to home to be offensive. I spent years wondering whether the boy I lost my virginity to really thought he had also lost his virginity to me, because it was also a build-up over several months (had we "done it" that time in the car, or hadn't we??), and there weren't exactly fireworks, not for me anyway. So was it the moment or not?? It used to make me terribly uncomfortable, esp when those sorts of questions get asked, "when did you lose yours", but I later found out it WAS that night, if he thought so then that's my moment too!
November 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAli
I don’t understand why this would be too hard to figure out. You would have lost your virginity when the guy slid it in all the way and breaks your hymen membrane after successive thrusts. That would be the time you lost it cherry poppins.

I lost mine at 14. And scarred myself. From a materialistic point of view I scored any adolescent males T.V. dreams. A super thin, super hot, blonde (17then18 years old-senior) while her parents were on vacation with the house all to ourselves. Her name was Kim B. Her step-dad was rich. Absolutely loaded. He drove a sic red Ferrari, had 2 BMW’s and a Lincoln TC for her Mom. They lived in a 4 story house on the beach with a party deck on top.

I swear to everyone I am telling the truth.I understand people will call me a liar but I am telling the truth.

I was new to this little private school and progressing about 3 months into my first "relationship” when I found out the truth. She was the biggest whore in the world. Everyone and I mean Everyone had fucked her. Even guys I met by coincidence from other townships. Her Mom had to pull her out of 2 schools before mine because of her problem (being promiscuous). As I learned all of this over a short period of time it really did affect me. You are very impressionable at that age. As it turns out her real Dad sexually abused her when she was young (13-14). The Mom found out and pressed charges, filed for divorce, and he went to jail. She had been sending her a clinic. I’m talking about 90+ guys by age 18. It makes sick. I honestly was victimized. I did not know about this, otherwise I would have saved myself. In the beginning she said she had been with 7 guys. I was shocked. OMG 7 guys? I rationalized that was “normal” for a senior. Plus she was hot, blonde, with a sic house. She had a BMW with a car phone in 1992. Mommy’s present (with step daddy’s money) at 16. I didn’t even have a driver’s license. Learning about who she really was, knowing I was just another number, meeting the guys she fucked, seeing them speed by in the passenger seat. Hearing they were just friends, over and over again. It really did a number on me. It messed me up. Especially in regards to Trust. To this day I always try to figure out (estimate) how many guys a girl has been with. Values, honesty, loyalty, integrity and fidelity weigh huge on my perceptions of a person I think as a result of this. I don’t even sleep with a girl until I get to know her better. And I really dont like these modern “liberated” types of women whose defense is always, without exception the words - “who are you to judge me?”. Always the same line. Always. Always. Always. Sometimes I think women were better off when they didn’t have as many rights.

Marriage and fidelity were the norm. That is the way things were supposed to be. Rather than the exception as we have today.
November 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterm

I think perhaps you should have beaten the devil out of this loose woman after you found out about her sic (sic) problem. That goes for all women you happen upon in your daily interactions who do not seem as morally upright as you deem appropriate. Perhaps you could carry a 2x4 around with you with the name "Judge Judy" burned into it? And every person with two X chromosomes that isn't wearing a ankle length skirt and a high-collared blouse, you give them a whack on the noggin with your trusty lumber.
Yes, an 18 year-old taking advantage of a 14 year old is hardly appropriate and most states not legal. And I heartily agree that we should limit the civil rights of an entire gender because of your bad experience. And it is most certain that all of the failures of marriage and fidelity can be attributed to the weaker sex. Bravo chap.
November 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJonathan Swift
I don't have a story either. I am still not exactly sure which time counts. Before now, I have never heard anyone else as unsure as I am about it. It doesn't matter now anyway, but I feel sort of cheated to not have "a story".
November 27, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertori
I think the experience of losing your virginity can have a big effect on the way that you view sex - I actually had the perfect romantic movie-style night - Christmas night, 16 years old, boyfriend I was in love with, candles, music, tears of happiness etc...and I think having such a positive experience has made a huge difference to me.
Not saying that this is true for everyone though - I just know there is a link for me.
November 27, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
I once knew a crazy chick that lost her virginity during waterskiing on the Mississipi. After a short lapse of concentration she turned into a ragdoll doing a rather unfortunate triple summersault only to land again on the watersurface with a ski planted abruptly in her crotch. She claimed the waterski popped her cherry.

I miss that girl, she moved away though. Can't seem to track her down...
November 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterShane McGowan
Look at what an extreme example “Mr. Swift” puts out. Such an extreme far sided example; to prove whatever point I don’t know. That I’m a 16th century sexist puritan with a bible in one hand and a 2x4 in the other. Ready to pounce on any “harlot” that might expose some skin. Not quite. She fucked over 90 guys. There is a big difference. Apparently you take defense at this. I can only guess why. Oh yes I am wrong for having a viewpoint that denotes accountability.

I suppose you cannot be blamed for it though. Being born in a bubble (the 16 century right? right) doesn't help. Although I doubt it was anywhere near as extreme as you claim.
November 27, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterm
So, back to the topic and away from the sniping.....

I won't recount my devirginization 'cause I'm not as open as Monica is, but it would be weird to not have a well-defined moment of the actual happening. I can truly understand how her ~pseudo sex~ would happen because as a teenager you really want to experience this 'fooling around' but you're so scared at the same time, thus sex with the underware on occurs!

From all the experiences recounted by my female friends, most of their First Times were weird or awkward or just down right criminal. In my opinion, the First Time is very much over-rated and what happens after you get comfortable with your sexuality is what's really important.
November 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
Word, Karen.
November 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Let's see....I lost my virginity freshman year at college on the football field to the quarterback of the football team...I was very drunk that night and he had gorgeous blue eyes...not very romantic though...
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTiffanie
Ok, so call me the big sap, but I know EXACTLY where I was when I sex the first time!
IN AUSTRALIA! Ok so I guess if your first time is in another country, you remember! I can picture every single moment of it from beginning to the FINALE!! LOL
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Although m's post is a crappy attempt to get a reaction out of Monica and her readers I do understand how he might have felt if his story is true.

I lost my virginity in college to a guy when we were both freshman. I was all happy and giddy when I told him afterwards that I had been a virgin...a few weeks later when we broke up I found out that he had slept with 19 girls before me. The funny thing is, I really don't mind the fact that he was my first since the sex was really good (you would hope after that many girls he would have most things figured out!) To this day though I still regret actually telling him he was my first.
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commentergingerlemon
I'll always remember my first time because of the oh-so-romantic words spoken to me right before it happened: "Hold on, it's a bumpy ride." I kid you not!!! I can assure you all that the following 30 seconds were not by any means bumpy, although they were memorable! Oh well.
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterB in VC
Losing it to the hot football player on the field is totally a Judy Blume novel. For me it was more like a gradual movement for sort of sex to a quick dunk and then he was done. I was left laying there like, "is that all". So I guess that was my first time although it certainly wasn't my first orgasm.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
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