Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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The Thickening

Yo! It's me. I'm siiiiiiick. PJ's all day, mascara rings from last night, hair a bird's nest kind of sick. Despite the flu malaise, things are happening. Things I can't quite share with you yet... but I will.

So I bought these skinny, black pants a few months ago. That Goddamn dancing Audrey Hepburn from the GAP ads finally got to me. I caved and bought the fuckers even though I swore a blood oath at 18 that I would never again wear jeans that kissed my ankles. But I bought 'em and I like 'em. At least I used to. Yesterday I had a meeting to go to.. Not a hoity-toity wear-a-business-suit-and-pretend-like-I'm-a professional meeting. More of a Greenwhich-Village-coffee-shop affair.

Those motherfuckers wouldn't pull up over my ass. I squinched and squeezed my cheeks for what felt like hours and finally, the black bastards slid up. But the pants apparently ironed my skin so tightly upward that a thick roll of skin poured from the wasteband like a muffin top rising from it's paper cup.

Now listen, I get emails from folks calling me an asshole. "You're a hypocrite" they say. "You make fun of Nicole Richie although you are not fat. But you go on and on about it." No, I don't think I'm fat in the usual sense. I'm what they call a Skinny Fat Girl. I'm small in stature, but my skin jiggles and floats around what little muscle that hasn't atrophied from sitting on the couch lo these past six months. There is no tone anymore. So yes, to me, I am fat. When I can't fit in my usual jeans, I feel fat. Don't make me get all fat politically correct and shit. You know what I mean when I say fat. I'm not heading in for gastric bypass or anything.. I just feel uncomfortable when I'm a coupla pounds over my usual weight.

Strangely, I've been excercising and watching what I eat. So this recent gain? I can only chalk it up to what I call... THE THICKENING. As thirty creeps up on me like a Viet Cong guerilla in North Vietnam, THE THICKENING progresses. It's not so much a dramatic weight gain as a very subtle thickening of thighs and waist. Soon my arms will sport that extra inch of bat flap.. My neck will thicken like that of a 16-year-old jock on steroids. The only body part that won't? My sensational rack. It'll deflate like a punctured bike tire.

So is anyone watching this Lisa Williams: Life Among The Dead program? I'm strangely attracted to the perky, overweight British chippie with a skunk crouched on her head in lieu of hair. Love her! I long to be best friends with her.
"Lisa?" I'll say.
"Yes, love?" She'll reply.
"Is my Grandpa hanging around today?"
"Yes dahling. He's right behind you." Lisa will pass on any messages Grandpa might have from the other side and then we'll paint our toenails hot pink and go shopping.

By the by. I own the domain If you are one of the lovely folks who has me bookmarked.. go on and update the bookmark with the new address. The old squarespace address still works and it'll get you here.. but I just wanted to let you know lest you be confused if I type the address somewhere as the dot-net version.

Reader Comments (25)

You think you have problems at 29? Wait till you hit my age, 6006. You think your tits got it bad? What do you think 6000 years does to balls my size? Thats right, try and keep that red visual out of your head.

Muhahahahah, Muhahahahahaha, Muuuhahahahahahahah.
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSatan
preach on sister - I call it my 'soft'. To the average eye, it's not Fat, but to me, it ain't right.
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbloggadocio
Yeah, those skinny jeans ain't just skinny at the bottom, they are much more skinnier at the top and you have to be an anorexic supermodel to look good in them. I bought a pair anyway and I am hoping that looking at them in my closet with the price tag on them will motivate me to exercise and lose this excess "thickening".

On another note....I looked my best when I was 30. I was the smallest and most cut I had ever been. Now I am in the downhill slide into 40 and it just doesn't come off like it used to. UGH, whoa is me.....
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJustified
The thickening doesn't actually start until you are in your 40's. I looked great when I was in my 30's. Maybe the flu symptoms and the thickening is due to pregnancy?
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkaren H
It sounds like your getting fat.This is what happens to most women after they get married. They get too comfortable. The ink is signed, so they figure its ok to become a fat fuglie five. You would think they would have learned by now.Better get work.

What do women have in common with a gallon of milk? Answer - They both have an expiration date.

For milk its 30 days. Women 30 years.
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Wow...that was so not necessary.
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersara
Michael is like a small child behaving badly to get attention.

Here is an idea - from now on lets just ignore him completely. And maybe, finally, he will go away.
November 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
"THE THICKENING" - I love the title and it IS a concept I have been obsessing about. Unfortunately, your description was a little too good. The idea that my neck would begin to thicken had not even occurred to me yet, but I will definitely be checking now!
November 28, 2006 | Registered CommenterErinS
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
Yes to Amy Dee.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
I don't mind Michael so much anymore. He's almost like that annoying relative at Thanksgiving dinner. It's eye rolling when he's there, but when he hasn't commented, I kind of miss him. I bought some "skinny pants" as well even though I thought it a shame when GAP used Audrey Hepbrun to hock jeans. You've got to be feeling good about yourself to wear the skinny, they are very unforgiving in the hip area. As a result I end up wearing mine maybe once a month.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
I have been calling myself a skinny fat person for years! I thought I made up that term. So funny! I am one too, even when I am in my best shape.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWC
The thickening is a great description, and I will probably steal it. Actually, 'the thickening' is what stole my ass from it's proper place and deposited it around my middle. I only hope that muffin thing comes into fashion soon.

November 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Girl muffin skins are sexy. But then I like when you can see a girls g-string riding above her pant line.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
Dude, wait till you have kids...even your feet get thicker.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy
I am terrified to have children for that reason. I know it sounds terrible, but friends tell me the affects on your body are like getting hit by a truck. Is it really that bad? I love the term The Thickening. I'm adopting it immediately!
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
LOL :D I understand the thicken. My wife also has a lots of fat. Luckyly we do not divide a bed in the same country!! Haha! She is beautiful still, I love her muchy muchy. But take her please, she's big like Zagros mountain goat! Haha, take her; LOL

"heaven nose" superman and woman have a list with my name on, with questions.and your name. They are retardated.>:(
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHamad forgivs
I know exactly about the thickening. It seems since I've got this new job in a coffeehouse, the more coffee I consume the more this thickening seems to pile on.

Hope you feel better, Monica. Had to take Sofia to doctor yesterday, she has pneumonia. ICK!
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Monica, you must feel so very privelaged to have my own Borat right here on The Girl Who. Think of the thickening this way - at least you still look hot with your clothes on.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
It really isn't that bad. The best I ever looked was after I had my child. It might have been due to the motivation I had to NOT get all jelly like but whatever it worked. I did work out hard though. Tae Bo was a big help!
I wish I could find that motivation again.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJustified
I don't understand what guys see in skinny girls, the concentration camp look has never done it for me. I was talking with my neighbours about this the other day, we all prefer curves.

Don't beat yourself up too much.


November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNocturnal
Aimee -

No, your body is never the exact same way, but while you might lose one thing, you can gain another. I may never have my formerly pefectly flat stomach, but the boobs I got in return are worth it.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Yes to Amy Dee.
November 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren H
Hey yo! Congrats on the new job. Checked out the site. Looks cool.
November 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
Well, that clears things up! I have a far better understanding about women now...

Wait... no I don't. Nevermind.
December 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUSELESS MAN
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