Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Listen Up!

So I've been lying to you all! Yes that's right you voyeuristic bitches... But it's on now.. The train is barreling down the tracks at top speed and she can't be stopped.. Can you hear my whistle? Yep - I'm talking to you Mom, you "The Surge" and you Dad, who probably reads this shit every day but can't be arsed to call your own daughter for very silly, immature reasons. Let's see if we can make it to 2007 without speaking.. It'll be fun!

This is my journal.. and as such, I'm going to write the same shit I'd write in the journal I used to keep tucked securely under my bed. If you can't dig it, quit reading. As all who know me are aware, my vocabulary is comprised mainly of fuck, motherfucker, fuckhead and that ol' British fave, fuckwit. I am rapidly learning to enjoy a roll in the hay with cunt as well. Deal with it.

Was thinking today, as I often do, and I discovered I've been writing this blog for all the wrong reasons. That's just bullshit, isn't it? Toned down musings on sex, love and marriage sprinkled with stupid similes and metaphors, when what I really wanna do is throw a tantrum, scream and tear my hair out over whatever putrid bullshit I happen to be wading through.

Here's one: I've yet to wrap my very fucked up brain around the fact that I'm married. I will not go gently into that betrothed night because it still fucking freaks me out! I don't want to sit around in one of ten sweater sets and kaki's, ass digging a deeper groove in my Pottery Barn couch, shoveling Valium in my yawning maw faster than the baby dirties his diaper. I won't do it! And I won't romanticize the shit like a smug married either. "Marriage is so fulfilling dahling.. let me set you up with a dear acquaintance of mine.. You simply can't enjoy being alone." Cuz that's a load of crap too.

Nor do I want to be the main breadwinner while my husband follows his passion across the globe. So where does that leave me? When The Surge divorces me am I destined to be the crazy lady on the corner with all the dogs (fuck cats) shrieking at all the youngsters to stay off the goddamn lawn?

Was thinking the other day, as I'm prone to do, that the best way to have a kid is to get knocked up at about 23.. Rush headlong into that which society impreses on us is the proper route. No time to really consider all the havoc bringing a child into the world will wreak on my life. No time to wonder if I'm really prepared to be a proper mother. Now that I'm' older, have had time to contemplate the whole child raising affair I am absolutely terrified.. not that that's on the horizon, I'm just saying..

I got married quickly - afloat on love at first sight, moxie and heart. But, I didn't know the dude. Now I love him with all my heart, but it's been a fucking grapple. A motherfucker of a year. And still is. But just because a couple Marah fans read this shit, I ain't gonna continue to edit so's he comes off lookin' good. Sure I'm not gonna hang my dirty laundry, bloody crotch stains and all, out for the world to see.. but I'm gonna tell it like it is.

Here's why: I loathe people who pretend like they're the cleverest, most fantastic, put together of the bunch. Fuck you. Wait, let me say it again. FUCK YOU. All you do is twist your insecurity into some witty facade in an attempt to make the rest of us feel inferior in the shadow of your contrived magnificence.

I'm here to dispel whatever damn myth I can. For instance, I am still figuring out how to be married, it doesn't come naturally, trust me. You can love someone with every fucking fiber in your body and your union can dissolve faster than a sand castle at high tide.

Is this blog about The Surge? No. We're doing fine. Better than ever, in fact. I've just decided that I don't care whether you all lecture me for being THE GIRL WHO is sometimes jealous, insecure, contemplative, depressed and just plain stoned out of my gourd.

It's who I am.

Reader Comments (40)

Was that good for you? It was good for me. Thanks for the catharsis.
February 1, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteralways write
February 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterToryssa
I love it Monica! Be you! I had noticed you had toned down on what you were writing. I didn't know the specific reasons why. Had ideas of course.

Write what ya feel. I know how you feel. I hate being censored or asked not to write or post somewhere at all. It's nervewracking especially when I don't even post about anything pertaining to that person at all. I just want to say LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I usually just conform for a bit but then say fuck it.

Like Toryssa sentiments "FUCK YEAH!" I go along with that.

Write whatever you have the urge to! No matter who reads. Like Ricky Nelson sings "Well you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself."
February 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
You just made tears appear in my eyes out of repressed feelings. You said it before, you wanted to find a different place to just be you and then all of us trolls found our way to stop you. I am one. Stay strong.
February 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDeirdre
Not trolls, love! I adore the interaction from readers. Just lost my way a bit. Lost MYSELF for a bit.. Too worried 'bout who was reading, not wanting to offend and all of that nonsense. Blogging can be touchy when not hiding behind some internet persona. Quite a few folks I know read this blog, including my immediate family, and as I recently discovered, many of my current and ex coworkers (what up FOX lurkers!) Can be tough to emote with all the eyes watching. But fuck it. I'm over it. I have a pretty good idea that the way I feel about myself, my life, is more common than I once suspected.. You'll be getting the unedited me from here on out. Promise!
February 1, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Well said! A lot of people on blogs are doing so behind some persona they've created. They rarely have to answer to real people in their lives. Let alone their husband's fans/friends and from what I gather, ex-girlfriends as well. Plus your parents! If my mom knew half the shit I write on the net she'd have a heart attack. Kudos to you for writing a risque blog despite the scrutiny.
February 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Way to go Monica! I've told you before that I thought you were brave and that I envied that about you. Keep it up. Maybe you'll inspire more of us...

PS- I was led to your blog because someone knew I was a Marah fan, but trust me, they're two separate things now. I've become a huge Monica fan. You go sister!
February 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCinco Lover
Awww.. love girl camaraderie.. I do, I do!
February 1, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
I felt myself breathe a little more after reading your post...Thanks for your honesty! I found it was hard to be honest too, which is why I quit for a while, but then I just got back on the horse a little wiser than I was before....

Your stuff is intelligent, makes me laugh - it's the perfect combination.
February 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
I admire your honesty and bravery! Your writing is best when you’re raw & truthful...that’s part of what has drawn me to your blog and I’ve been reading every day since I found it.

I’ve realized I can’t scare away the people that truly love me by being myself; much as I’ve tried! Fuck whoever can’t accept you as you are.
February 1, 2006 | Unregistered Commentervoyeristic bitch chrissy
oops, that's 'voyeuristic bitch chrissy', thank you.
February 1, 2006 | Unregistered Commentervoyeuristic bitch chrissy
But I love your "stupid" similes and metaphors. They make me laugh!
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Hey all. Am new around these parts. Your husband's girlfriends read your blog? Oooh, scandalous! How do you know? For what it's worth, I Just read your Community Cunt and laughed until I cried.
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
I meant EX-girlfriends. Or that really would be scandalous!
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
Hi Baby. Tonight, I am tired, worn out. But there is something in the air here in this hotel in Portland that is making me high. Making me smile.

It was here in August of 2004 that I first sent you a text message.....

" I am enjoying the last of the pretzels you got me. How are you?"

And since that moment, we have been through so much many things that within a year I felt as if I had already lived a thousand lives of love! Kisses in a Ryder truck doing 80 on 80, wiping drippy noses when the fear became too real, sleeping beneath a 70 pound dog who loves us with all he's got. Name-calling, foot-rubbing, nachos-grubbing, standing in the middle of Times Square together with freakishly large grin lovers.

We, my girl, have achieved a level of love I never thought humanly possible.

And to might all come down to a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels you once bought at a Salt Lake gas station.

I am in a hotel in Portland. And I am forever wishing you'd walk through this distant door.

3 weeks, Monica. Three.

Write your heart out...

February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSurge
Aaww... I just read The Surges post... The love between you two is.... amazing. There's no way to describe it. (Or maybe the lack of words in my vocabulary is the problem...) I wish I'll be as happy as you are :)
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSuyin
There he is!!!! That's him. Ma baaaabyyy. Lost in the wild, wild west. Should venture 'round these parts more often...
February 2, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
P.S. Gemma - I'm so onto you, you little minx.. and here I was all puffed up, thinking I had me a "new" fan.

Voyeuristic Chrissy - are you really volunteering to be my very own bitch? Oh... the possibilities... I need to give this some thought... In the meantime, am diggin' your new name.

Sloopy welcome. Glad you liked Community Cunt. True story, every bit. Oh, and about the ex, not so scandalous, really.. The internet may well be be infinite, but it's awfully small as well...a bit too small, actually....
February 2, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
I haven't been reading that long... it's all good to me. I'm all for being able to tell it like it is.
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
I LOVE the word cunt.
I've been going through a 'fuck em' phase, where if people have a problem with what I write etc., then fuck em. Quite simple really.
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.

You're right. Fuck cats!
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
Monica, you are a brave woman. I had a lot - A LOT - of the same thoughts and fears when I first got married, but didn't dare voice them even to myself, much less the cyber-world (which did not exist at the time, but still..). I knew my husband for a scant six months when we got married, I'd never had a *real* serious relationship before, and partnering up was the last thing I ever imagined myself doing when I was 23. Having kids? Not in the equation, ewwwwwwwwwww. I was a career woman, I was gonna get me a political job, change the world, make it a better place. That was my dream! But here was a man who gave me a fierce love I'd never known before, who was the smartest person I'd ever come across (and he liked *me*?!?), thought I was truly beautiful, who made me laugh every day. Usually when we were having sex. I was afraid, but couldn't let that go. Now I'm 50, been married 26 years (or is it 27?), am the mother of three. Marriage only came to mean something to me after about 10 years or so -- knowing there was always someone out there who had your back, no matter what, no matter if you behaved poorly, acted selfishly, woke up looking butt-ugly, crashed the new car, quit your job, whatever. From reading your blog and knowing a bit about Serge, I'm guessing you two got all that, and maybe more.

So it turns out I have changed the world and made it a better place, because he and I have raised the coolest, smartest kids on the planet, who in turn will go out and change the world and make it a better place, by doing whatever they choose and enjoying the ride, as Steve and I have done.

February 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Was I the only one who caught the bloody crotch stains? *laughs* If I could have rolled on the floor I would have. Coming from somoene who only wishes they could share with the world what they keep only in the old-fashioned journal hid under the right side of the mattress, I appreciate and respect your brutal honesty. You tell 'em how it is. ;-)
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMerteuil
Love love love your honesty Monica! You're right, you're not as uncommon as you may have once thought! I for one get the shit scared out of me in life at every turn, but I love the ride... looking forward to grass roots Monica from here on out!
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlissa
"I am rapidly learning to enjoy a roll in the hay with cunt as well. Deal with it."

That was laugh out loud funny. I think I might start signing all my correspomdence that way.

February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
I've been married a year now. Still cant stop saying 'boyfriend'. The word husband is just too damn freaky. Also, it makes me feel old.

We will not go gently.....

Damn straight!
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBuffy
I seriously love the shit outta you guys and I don't think I've met a damn one of ya.

jls, your comments are always so insighful and I'm always appreciative of you viewpoint.

Seriously.. It kills me how all the singletons are so honest about all their dating misadventures.. it's hilarious. Isn't she just the cutest thing, like Carrie from Sex And The City? Or Bridget Jones? - HA HA HA!.. When a married woman does it, for some reason it ain't so funny..

Folks get married and clam up.. They think they need to pretend like everything's cool all the time.

Fuck that! Don't pretend like everything's fabulous when it ain't. Married life, like being single, is a rollercoaster of love and pain, happy and sad.. Sometimes I wanna divorce his sorry ass, other times it terrifies me to think of never having met him. And I need to talk about it!

I so admire married woman who can speak at great length about the fights she has with their husband (because we all know everyone fights) and in the same breath, explain why being married to someone you love is just so damn cool.
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
After reflection, here's one thing: I felt the same way after I got married. It's amazing, the social pressure to pretend married life is perfect. I got it the worst from my single friends, who just didn't want to hear anything negative about my husband or marriage. He was such a good guy in their eyes, and we were the perfect couple to them. Wow, did that fucking suck. I had no one to express it to, except for one friend who had gotten married a month after me. We would sit on the train ride home, drinking beers from paper bags, and tell the truth to each other. Sometimes we didn't even make eye contact, that's how truthful we were. We're not as close as we used to be, but she's one person I never BS.

So from one truth teller to another - Fuck 'em. If they don't want to hear it, they can stop reading.
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Loved community cunt as well! you sooo crazy monica. I do remember that little tramp, never liked that girl...Serge, I love that you love my girl so much.. she's " a one of a kind" that one, she is. Love you for loving her, and just love you for you! (sooo full of love today, February is the month of love) yes indeed!
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
I just spilled out a box of conversation hearts and randomly they formed this: Smile My Way Lover Boy Angel Get Real.

It's like my box of hearts understood.

I love me some real Monica.
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
i'm glad that you are back.... i was not reading all the way through your most recent posts because they didn't interest me....
i am interested in the honesty and bluntness...
and yes, you are right when you say more people experience life in ways similar to you....
you have the ability to inspire others to think and challenge their feelings and thoughts...
as long as you write truthfully i will read...
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterheichi
Speaking of love, Valentines day is coming up - anyone who has any plans? I think I'm gonna be at home and study my ass of for the big final test... in math, of course. I think my brain is close enough to be taken as a lump os mashed potatoes at this moment...
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSuyin

Even your watered down shit makes me think hard.

Keep digging girl! You do have a gift. Goddamn you do!

As for the familial baggage...his loss.

much admiration,

central pa
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
"Voyeuristic Chrissy - are you really volunteering to be my very own bitch? Oh... the possibilities... I need to give this some thought..."

hmmm...I'm sure I could get a day pass
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
Oh Joe! Thanks for that. Really. That bit about my pop seemed to fly under the radar.
February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
right on! and, write on!

February 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
I'm partial to "mindfuck" myself...

And you are far braver than I, who was staring down the face of that "Oh my god I'm married" mindfuck and decided I didn't want to and couldn't even try to wrap my mind around it.
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
Good on ya Monica. This is another Marah fan who now just likes to read your words, irrespective of who your husband is.

Cunt is a great word. It's almost a term of endearment here in the UK (well, in London at least). "Alright, ya cunt?"

And don't forget the words 'cunting' and 'cunted'. As in: "I went out drinking last night and got completely cunted"
February 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDan
Ooooh Cunting and Cunted.. Untapped reservoirs in my world of obscenities! I'll get right on that Dan!
February 3, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
everything you just said is a phase that everyone goes through. you think you're old? you think that anyone isn't freaked out about the thought of having kids, at any age? you aren't sure about the foundation of your marriage? shit. join the club. it's called "everyone" and we meet at the bar every night.
February 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertommy tomlinson

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