Wednesday
Feb012006
Listen Up!

So I've been lying to you all! Yes that's right you voyeuristic bitches... But it's on now.. The train is barreling down the tracks at top speed and she can't be stopped.. Can you hear my whistle? Yep - I'm talking to you Mom, you "The Surge" and you Dad, who probably reads this shit every day but can't be arsed to call your own daughter for very silly, immature reasons. Let's see if we can make it to 2007 without speaking.. It'll be fun!
This is my journal.. and as such, I'm going to write the same shit I'd write in the journal I used to keep tucked securely under my bed. If you can't dig it, quit reading. As all who know me are aware, my vocabulary is comprised mainly of fuck, motherfucker, fuckhead and that ol' British fave, fuckwit. I am rapidly learning to enjoy a roll in the hay with cunt as well. Deal with it.
Was thinking today, as I often do, and I discovered I've been writing this blog for all the wrong reasons. That's just bullshit, isn't it? Toned down musings on sex, love and marriage sprinkled with stupid similes and metaphors, when what I really wanna do is throw a tantrum, scream and tear my hair out over whatever putrid bullshit I happen to be wading through.
Here's one: I've yet to wrap my very fucked up brain around the fact that I'm married. I will not go gently into that betrothed night because it still fucking freaks me out! I don't want to sit around in one of ten sweater sets and kaki's, ass digging a deeper groove in my Pottery Barn couch, shoveling Valium in my yawning maw faster than the baby dirties his diaper. I won't do it! And I won't romanticize the shit like a smug married either. "Marriage is so fulfilling dahling.. let me set you up with a dear acquaintance of mine.. You simply can't enjoy being alone." Cuz that's a load of crap too.
Nor do I want to be the main breadwinner while my husband follows his passion across the globe. So where does that leave me? When The Surge divorces me am I destined to be the crazy lady on the corner with all the dogs (fuck cats) shrieking at all the youngsters to stay off the goddamn lawn?
Was thinking the other day, as I'm prone to do, that the best way to have a kid is to get knocked up at about 23.. Rush headlong into that which society impreses on us is the proper route. No time to really consider all the havoc bringing a child into the world will wreak on my life. No time to wonder if I'm really prepared to be a proper mother. Now that I'm' older, have had time to contemplate the whole child raising affair I am absolutely terrified.. not that that's on the horizon, I'm just saying..
I got married quickly - afloat on love at first sight, moxie and heart. But, I didn't know the dude. Now I love him with all my heart, but it's been a fucking grapple. A motherfucker of a year. And still is. But just because a couple Marah fans read this shit, I ain't gonna continue to edit so's he comes off lookin' good. Sure I'm not gonna hang my dirty laundry, bloody crotch stains and all, out for the world to see.. but I'm gonna tell it like it is.
Here's why: I loathe people who pretend like they're the cleverest, most fantastic, put together of the bunch. Fuck you. Wait, let me say it again. FUCK YOU. All you do is twist your insecurity into some witty facade in an attempt to make the rest of us feel inferior in the shadow of your contrived magnificence.
I'm here to dispel whatever damn myth I can. For instance, I am still figuring out how to be married, it doesn't come naturally, trust me. You can love someone with every fucking fiber in your body and your union can dissolve faster than a sand castle at high tide.
Is this blog about The Surge? No. We're doing fine. Better than ever, in fact. I've just decided that I don't care whether you all lecture me for being THE GIRL WHO is sometimes jealous, insecure, contemplative, depressed and just plain stoned out of my gourd.
It's who I am.
in
Love and Marriage |
40 Comments |


Reader Comments (40)
Write what ya feel. I know how you feel. I hate being censored or asked not to write or post somewhere at all. It's nervewracking especially when I don't even post about anything pertaining to that person at all. I just want to say LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I usually just conform for a bit but then say fuck it.
Like Toryssa sentiments "FUCK YEAH!" I go along with that.
Write whatever you have the urge to! No matter who reads. Like Ricky Nelson sings "Well you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself."
PS- I was led to your blog because someone knew I was a Marah fan, but trust me, they're two separate things now. I've become a huge Monica fan. You go sister!
Your stuff is intelligent, makes me laugh - it's the perfect combination.
I’ve realized I can’t scare away the people that truly love me by being myself; much as I’ve tried! Fuck whoever can’t accept you as you are.
It was here in August of 2004 that I first sent you a text message.....
" I am enjoying the last of the pretzels you got me. How are you?"
And since that moment, we have been through so much together...so many things that within a year I felt as if I had already lived a thousand lives of love! Kisses in a Ryder truck doing 80 on 80, wiping drippy noses when the fear became too real, sleeping beneath a 70 pound dog who loves us with all he's got. Name-calling, foot-rubbing, nachos-grubbing, standing in the middle of Times Square together with freakishly large grin lovers.
We, my girl, have achieved a level of love I never thought humanly possible.
And to think....it might all come down to a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels you once bought at a Salt Lake gas station.
I am in a hotel in Portland. And I am forever wishing you'd walk through this distant door.
3 weeks, Monica. Three.
Write your heart out...
s
Voyeuristic Chrissy - are you really volunteering to be my very own bitch? Oh... the possibilities... I need to give this some thought... In the meantime, am diggin' your new name.
Sloopy welcome. Glad you liked Community Cunt. True story, every bit. Oh, and about the ex, not so scandalous, really.. The internet may well be be infinite, but it's awfully small as well...a bit too small, actually....
I've been going through a 'fuck em' phase, where if people have a problem with what I write etc., then fuck em. Quite simple really.
You're right. Fuck cats!
So it turns out I have changed the world and made it a better place, because he and I have raised the coolest, smartest kids on the planet, who in turn will go out and change the world and make it a better place, by doing whatever they choose and enjoying the ride, as Steve and I have done.
janet
That was laugh out loud funny. I think I might start signing all my correspomdence that way.
We will not go gently.....
Damn straight!
jls, your comments are always so insighful and I'm always appreciative of you viewpoint.
Seriously.. It kills me how all the singletons are so honest about all their dating misadventures.. it's hilarious. Isn't she just the cutest thing, like Carrie from Sex And The City? Or Bridget Jones? - HA HA HA!.. When a married woman does it, for some reason it ain't so funny..
Folks get married and clam up.. They think they need to pretend like everything's cool all the time.
Fuck that! Don't pretend like everything's fabulous when it ain't. Married life, like being single, is a rollercoaster of love and pain, happy and sad.. Sometimes I wanna divorce his sorry ass, other times it terrifies me to think of never having met him. And I need to talk about it!
I so admire married woman who can speak at great length about the fights she has with their husband (because we all know everyone fights) and in the same breath, explain why being married to someone you love is just so damn cool.
So from one truth teller to another - Fuck 'em. If they don't want to hear it, they can stop reading.
It's like my box of hearts understood.
I love me some real Monica.
i am interested in the honesty and bluntness...
and yes, you are right when you say more people experience life in ways similar to you....
you have the ability to inspire others to think and challenge their feelings and thoughts...
as long as you write truthfully i will read...
Even your watered down shit makes me think hard.
Keep digging girl! You do have a gift. Goddamn you do!
As for the familial baggage...his loss.
much admiration,
central pa
hmmm...I'm sure I could get a day pass
And you are far braver than I, who was staring down the face of that "Oh my god I'm married" mindfuck and decided I didn't want to and couldn't even try to wrap my mind around it.
Cunt is a great word. It's almost a term of endearment here in the UK (well, in London at least). "Alright, ya cunt?"
And don't forget the words 'cunting' and 'cunted'. As in: "I went out drinking last night and got completely cunted"