Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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V-Day 101

So, like, yeah. We've all suffered the indignity of sitting at home in pajamas, stroking the inside of nostrils, dog licking blackened feet bottoms, television singing it's prime time siren song whilst our roommate answers the door to her delivery of a dozen roses. Bitch. But I submit to you, being single on V-Day ain't a bad place to find one's self. You have no expectations. As Dickens opined in a rather lengthy tome, those damn Great Expectations'll getcha every time. Or something like that.

Use this time to kick back and appreciate the fact you've got a wallet full of cash you didn't spend on stuffed animals that go to the dogs (literally) or roses that wilt faster than a boner once it's owner gets an eyeful of the cost for a dozen long-stem red.

Lest ye think I'm a Valentine downer let me explain. I am not a Smarmy McSmarmerson who rages against the commercialization of the "Hallmark Holiday" for lovers. I think it's a nice idea. Who doesn't love a day that celebrates love, I ask you? Ain't nothin' wrong with a coupla candy hearts and sexy lingerie either.. Just don't lose your head over it. Write a letter.. slide it in a plain ol' envelope, smear on some Gwen Stefani red and seal it with a kiss. Good 'nuff. He'll love it. If you're a HE, she may not appreciate you using her lipstick.. but the letter advice still holds up.

Don't break a leg hustling out to an expensive dinner in your finest wares.. the evening will inevitibly turn on you like that bitch New Year's Eve. You know her. That slut. Always with the promise of high hopes.. "Just come, you'll have so much fun.. You know you want to" and "It won't be like last year when you passed out at 11:30 after a fight with your mate and woke up in a pile of your own sick.." But does our lady Eve ever deliver? Hell no. She's as big a tease as that minx Mandy Moore... I know a naughty girl lurks behind those rosy apple cheeks.. but I'll be damned if she doesn't keep churning out banal chick flicks.

My advice? Avoid lover letdown AND corporation corroboration this year... Write a nice letter, hide a few notes in your sweetheart's pockets, put lipstick kisses on the mirror, bust out the lingerie - old or new - I assure you he's cool with any ol' negligee you dig out. Again, if you're the HE in your twosome, the lingerie thing may not go over so well.. but you never know... Most importantly, tell 'em you love their annoying ass, have rockin' sex before you go to bed and call it a day. Valentines Day.

P.S. Since the mountain won't come to Mohammed, this Mrs. Mohammed is off to the damned mountain.. Ready your finest Jagermeister Pittsburgh, cuz I'm hittin' the road in search of The Surge and his band of merry misfits A.K.A. Marah.

Reader Comments (22)

fuck. yeah. travel safely.

(the mandy moore bit is dead-on. don't think for a second she isn't leather-clad and whipping the shit out of braff right this instant.)
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
WHIPCHHH WHIPCHHH... "Mandy! I promise I'll be good... Please no more. .. PLEEEAAASE!" WHHHHHHCHHHH! WHCHHHH!
February 13, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
"i'll make them extend your guest spot on 'scrubs,' i swear! just, please, stop! i'm starting to bleed!"

"why don't you listen to some iron and wine and cry about it, you pretty boy bitch?!"
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
Nice post, I for one will do the Hallmark V=day shit, but god damn you if you don't do anything. I mean why must this be the day I show my lady I love her? Who decided? I am against it just because some cock face decided to make it the day I have to buy shit and give it to my lady. It doesn't matter if I make breakfast in bed, or buy flowers for her every other day of the year, if there is no card and candy on V-day...your fucked.


February 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
I had my Valentine early! :) I made my b/f a Valentine card! I put a Scottish theme to it, just so he would know that I didn't forget he was from Scotland. He LOVED it, said it is the best thing anyone every gave him! BUT, he didn't get me a card, which I didn't expect one, and didn't get me much of anything else! What he DID do was set me free in Stila, let me buy what I wanted! That meant more then flowers, cards, candy, jewelry, anything! Something I have never done before, didn't have to look at the price, he just bought it, what a nice feeling. Although I do think tomorrow there will be flowers on my desk by the end of the day! :)
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
True enough. I've had the whole Valentine fight when not single and have to say it blew.
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSerena
"...corporation corraboration.." priceless!!!

F V-Day!! I'm going for the work all day, have rockin sex and a call it a night thing myself! Enjoy your little road trip!! Be safe!

February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
I wish someone had told me I didn't need to buy her flowers before I dropped $100 at 1800flowers. :)

cchild: I think you meant that if there are no candy/flowers on V-day then you are NOT fucked.
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
single or boyfriended, i've always had the same opinion of valentine's day which is, pretty much, no opinion. i don't celebrate it. i don't hate it. frankly, it seems like a "holiday" that comes complete with built-in disappointment for man or woman. it just doesn't move me at all--a fact for which my boyfriends have always been eminently grateful.

but i do like to hand out conversation hearts. because everyone wants to get them, but no one wants to eat one. perfect.
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercarey
I heart Mandy....she's hot

But V-day is cool...and everyone has different traditions....rules are for bitches (I read that in the bible)....if she likes a flower and some candy cool....if all she needs is a slap on the ass then that's cool too!!
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
I'm not much for Valentine's, but the best present I ever got wasn't flowers or candy: when I was in high school my dad went out of his way to take me to a boys basketball game on V-Day... it turned into a six-overtime extravaganza and became a great memory for the two of us.
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
I hate valentines day. But I am an acknowledged bitter single girl.
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I'm a stock red roses and chocolates kind of guy. It seems to work. Although it seems generic and like "corporation collaboration" Good one.
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
I just put a little table next to the bath tub with sparkling apple juice (i'm preggo = no booze for me), 2 champagne flutes, a bowl of grapes, and a plate of cheese and crackers with some chocolates sprinkled around on it. I managed to time it well so that the bath was just finished and the tea lights were all lit when he came home from work at 8. I ordered him into the bedroom, stripped him down, told him to close his eyes, and let him to the darkened bathroom where the tea lights were glowing. He was blown away. I thought it up that day (last Friday), and just went with it. He slipped in the tub, and I slipped in in front of him, and it was very romantic. dot. dot. dot.
February 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterphx
Well done phx.... Happy Valentines Day everyone.. Am ensconced in a fluorescent green coffee shop in Pittsburgh with my valentine...

Pittsburgh = Home of this year's Superbowl champs... and Andy Warhol (which might explain the fluorescent green)
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
is that your art? I love it.
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusan
Thank you! That is a photograph of some graffiti near the East River... Max and I were headed down to watch the sun set over the Manhattan skyline and discovered lots of very artistic graffiti there..
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Happy Valentine's Day all.....

While I am not much on V-day myself. I must take my little girl out and let her pick something out. I've been a slacker and didn't get it before.

One surprise for me was that my dad, he and I aren't always talking, sent me an email saying Happy Valentine's Day. Which he hasn't done something like that in about 15 years.

On a down note of today, my Mom is very sick. Caught that nasty cold that I had and that's been going around. Except it's really doing a number on her. She said to take her to the hospital/ER, but now she is being stubborn and not wanting to go. Unfortunately, with her health she really needs to go so she can get the proper meds to get better. <sigh>
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Sounds like you have your hands full Fiabug. Let us know if your mom is okay. And Happy Valentines Day!
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Your blog is the best blog I've ever read. Hands down. Just thought I'd come out of lurkdom to tell you since I'm currently home alone, "fondling my nostrils" and watching shit T.V. Thanks for the lift up.

February 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLavendar
would you send me the photo? I would it- I love art like this-
February 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusan
Thanks Aimee. She is pretty sick still today.

She has a routine checkup tomorrow with her doctor. Which is why she is holding off going to hospital/ER. Why pay 2 co-pays? Is her thinking. If she's no better by this afternoon, I will call her doctor myself to see if I can get her appointment pushed up or to see what he thinks is best.

Just have to see if the little bit of Jello she just ate stays down.

February 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug

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