Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Love and Marriage...It's an Institute You Can't Disparage

I know it's all the rage to decry marriage.. I was just forced to listen to three women discuss how "boring" married people are and how marriage is, "like, totally an aging institution".. "Look at the divorce rate", I was told in an effort to persuade me to their side of the great marital divide.

Thing is, I believe in marriage now, more than ever.. I'm tired of clever hipster malarkey trashing The Marrieds. Oh Bridget Jones, your aged philosophy is so passe! And so is marriage bashing.

I'm in the midst of clawing my way to a new kind of marriage. The kind that's real. The kind of union that doesn't take it's cue from my eleven year old self. The little girl who raptly watched shite romance movies and believed that some director's wet dream is the way life really is, ultimately banging my head against the wall in frustration when reality stumbles and doesn't live up to it's celluloid counterpart.

THAT'S why the divorce rate is so high. People give up easier, forever in search of the greener grass the silver screen tricks us into believing is flourishing out there somewhere. So when your relationship doesn't work out for you, you taunt those of us still giving it the ol' college try.

Hollywood fucks with your head.. Oh ye clever singletons can deny, deny, deny.. but that insidiously chimerical version of love and marriage was at work on your susceptible brain cells long before you developed your super sardonic persona. As a result, it's as much a part of you as that sarcastic edgy side you've spent years cultivating. It lives and breathes in the darkest corners of your battered hearts.

"Fuck marriage. It's not realistic!" You may shout whilst glugging lush pinky cocktails, prowling the scene for your next hopeful. But deep down, underneath that thick skin you've spent most of your twenties growing, you know you long for prince charming to enter stage left. You desperately dream of the day he gallups gallantly toward you on his trusty steed and saves your hypocritical ass from farting dust on pee stained retirement home rocking chairs, lamenting your loneliness before finally, blessedly "accidentally" overdosing on painkillers at the age of 80. I know. I was you. Until I met The One..

So marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be. So I want to beat The Surge within an inch of his life when his ugly side snorts and chuffles it's way into our relationship. Know what? When I think about never having met that boy, I want to die.

The specter of life without The Surge is as terrifying as contemplating what happens when the grim reaper beckons me with his bony finger and places his scythe 'round my neck. The Rock Boy has opened the floodgates to THE REAL ME. The me I didn't even know existed when I was but a husk of a girl, toiling away at FOX 13 in Salt Lake City. The man is simply unbelievable. And I say this with conviction, after having experienced his trumpeting farts in the still of the night, his incapacitation when it comes to scouring a toilet, his ability to slay you with a sentence, rendering you tearfully incoherant over his dark side.

The man has blown my world wide open in ways I could never have imagined. I view my existence on this planet differently. My reasons for living have changed. I escaped from the shackles of my own naturally debilitating personality the very first time we ever spoke.

Make no mistake, I am a strong, independent woman without him, but I am fucking invincible as long as he's on my team. I pity the fool that scoffs at that concept.

Reader Comments (32)

Nice post, moving in a way.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
Glad I could move you, "in a way"....
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I don't think it's archaic institution. I think you're right in that we approach it from the wrong way. And don't even get me started on hollywood...
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSerena
The only positive thing I see about marriage is that when I'm old and fat someone will be legally bound to stay with me. Well...and health insurance.

Just give me a drumset, a front porch, and a neighborhood of children to scare in my old-age, and I'll be happy.

That said, I respect anyone who wants to be married.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Well said....I feel the same way you do about marriage (not about Serge because that would be know he's nice and all...maybe if we were drunk and HE made the pass....but then no I probably still wouldn't....that's not my thing...but I would be flattered...) I am very much newly married and it's awesome...sure she would like to kill me at times....but it the best thing I've done...

marriage is once again becoming hip...hipsters getting married to cool is hip are those kids going to hurts....

I lost my train of thought....but it's all about a real marriage....the only way to make it work is not play by the rule book written by Alan Thicke and the blonde woman who played his wife in growing wife and I NEED our time apart...our families constintly think we are in trouble....but it's just the opposite...we are happier than any sad shit at a Joyce Leslie looking at dresses with his babies mama.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
monica says I'm going to be one of those old ladies that spends her days yelling at all the neighborhood brats, meaner than hell! I am well on my way.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
"And don't even get me started on hollywood..."

Hollywood is slaughtering marriage with a double edged sword.. First - they create these dreamy movies no real love story could ever live up to, making us all feel like shit... then celebrities go around treating spouses like the flavor of the month.. Few and far between are the Tom Hanks and Rita Wilsons..

Mom - you just need to remarry dad and get it over with already... You two are so suited for each other it's disgusting.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I freely admit I'm a sucker for hollywood's version of love (the movies version, not celebrities version) I also admit I'm waiting for the guy on the horse.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSunny
It does seem fashionable to dis marriage. Women raging about how you're just fine on your own thank you very much and I don't need anybody to be happy.

But that's what live is about, love. Every species, everyone searches for a mate. It's not about feminism. It's not about codependence. It's about learning to love, really learning to love. I am jealous of those couples who have it figured out. I hope I get there.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I can't believe there were no "I Pity the Fool"/Mister T comments.. You people suck.. I lob you a softball... and nothing..
February 16, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
I was a newlywed at forty something - My mother taught me about women's lib back in the day - were you even born then Mon?

The message was clear - don't give away your power to a man. So, my sister and I stayed single - how do you have a relationship without giving your "power"?

So it wasn't until we were in our forties with ovaries in wheelchairs that we negotiated a life with a man.

You saw the beginning - It's not easy - but yes, it's worth it - when you forget about the power struggle you find out how lovely it is when someone "has your back".

February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHope
i love it when a plan comes together?
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE! Is this the beautiful, charming, wild woman I think it is? Am in a news station, eating a subway sandwich, watching Entertainment Tonight while I should be writing news stories... Some things never change.

"ovaries in wheelchairs"... that was good.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I'm reading your blog instead of writing the show - how did we ever get this done?
Oh yeah - you wrote most of it before the two oclock meeting!
Just read the article about you in city weekly .. you've blown some people out of the water here.
Man we miss you!
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHope
"you've blown some people out of the water here." Need I venture a guess as to whom you are referencing?

Damn I miss your svelte ass! (Ladies and Gentleman - a bonafide celebrity is in our midst)
February 16, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Just the usual suspects. Just realized another first with you - you've popped my blog cherry.
Great site - happy to hear things are on track with the man - it takes a while to get in the groove - no?
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHope
Oh lord.. the stories I could tell about marital discord.. Some ain't fit for blogging...

On another note, you must tune in tomorrow dear gal.. Strangely, I just wrote a blog with you very much in mind.

Clue: Me, you, Randall Carlisle at a bar in downtown SLC... remember the topic at hand?
February 16, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
why.. yesss. As I recall one of the people in our party liked a beasty feast!
I look forward to tomorrow's fix.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHope
Until then.. Damn I adore you!
February 16, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Randall Carlisle? ABC? Hope WOODSIDE? FOX? If that was The Hope Woodside I am not leaving this blog until she returns. Hope! For the love of all that is righteous in this world - please come back!
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterB
what's up B?
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHope
Holy shit. This is really Hope Woodside? Can I just say you're the sexiest anchor woman ever. This isn't Hope. Is it?
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterB
Okay - I'm not from Utah so I am not familiar with the anchors there. But I did some digging and Ms. Woodside is indeed sexy.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
She's the main anchor right? The brunette news at nine anchor?
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
FOX 13 news at nine main anchor. Second from left at the top of the web page. The same paper that did the feature on Monica consistenly votes her sexiest news anchor every year. My brother and I have a long running debate over who is hotter. Hope, or the weather girl Jody. Hope - all the way.
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterB
What a sweet post about marriage. Me thinks someone got herself some "whorepipe" on Valentine's Day.

Take that back to the SLC news team.

There Wry Bri...are you happy?
February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChicagoDave
I leave for two seconds and folks are hittin' on Hope? Feels like a night out at the bar in good ol' SLC. Hope, I can't take you anywhere.

Yes, B, my good man - Hope is the one and only from FOX fame and she is delicious. Send her some fan email, she'll probably answer. She's a softie like that. Better yet, pretend you have some type of injury and can't make next months rent. She's a sucker for the underdog.

Chicago Dave - Coincidentally, Chicago is Hope's hometown.
February 16, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Hey, wasn't that (Chicago Hope) a drippy 90's hospital drama starring Mark Harmon? Athough, come to think of it, I'll always remember him as the smarmy teacher pretending he wasn't trying to get into the pants of a young Courtney Thorne-Smith in Summer School.

February 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChicagoDave
Funny, I always associate Mark Harmon with Ted Bundy.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I need to have about threee of my man-bashing single girlfriends read this. :-)
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMerteuil
This post is so true. It's how I feel also. My husband has a big ugly side, but when all's said and done, when he's holding me at night in his arms, nothing else fucking matters. Period.
March 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Raine

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

I cried from laughter
Sorry, if not left a message on Rules.

May 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelissik

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