Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Rockin' The Mormon Muff

I've been rockin' the Mormon Muff for a while now. Please. Don't be so coy... You know what the Mormon Muff is. Think Playboy centerfold circa 1975 and you get the unweildy picture. Hairy and scary.

My friend Natalie and I dubbed the overgrown bush 'Mormon Muff' for various reasons. Natalie, a nurse who has wiled away many moons on the maternity unit has had the unusual yet intriguing opportunity to scrutinize a smorgasbord of poontang.

My personal favorite was the woman who had shaved her business bald and tattooed a growling tiger with fangs across the whole affair.
"But if it's a tiger, why did she shave the hair?" I asked Natalie "Tigers are furry!"
Natalie shrugged. "If she left the hair, you wouldn't see the tiger."
To give credit where credit is due, Tiger Lady had cleverly incorporated her inner lips as the beast's tongue. Whoa fella! Natalie said it looked like he was clawing his way right outta her uterus! The tiger - uncommon. The Mormon Muff - an unfortunately common occurance in the maternity ward at Salt Lake's University Hospital.

God fearing Mormon girls, in the sex game strictly for procreation, don't generally concern themselves much with matters of mowin' the ol' lawn, if you know what I mean. Hence the Mormon Muff. Their "lawn" is in need of a trim more desperately than the front yard of the abandoned house down the street where squatter crack fiends brew meth in the basement.. Suffice it to say, both the former and the latter lawn got some long weeds, yo!

I know it's an unsightly situation I've found myself in... But I just can't bring myself to get her waxed. Very soon I'll have to buy special shampoo and conditioner for my MM because I've avoided waxing my goodtimes for nigh on three months now.

At first it was due to the fact my MM was occupied with the messy matters of womanhood... then I actually made the appointment with my militant neighborhood Polish woman waxer - but got sick.. Forced to cancel. Then The Surge went on tour.. and well.. Max doesn't generally make matters of my nether regions a priority. A walk and a bone and the black boy is good to go... And my black girl stayed.

So MM was left to her own devices. Like a gremlin, she multiplied each night as I slept.. Eating up great square inches of my skin until this morning when took a good gander while showering..

Holy God! My mid section looks like Angela Davis' head during a Black Panther rally - or a black panther, for that matter. (don't know our gal Angela? Google her.. A blog about pussy and important women in American history. Who knew?)

Recently, over a Valentine's day sushi dinner whilst visiting The Surge in Pittsburgh, I tried to prepare him for what was certain to frighten him once the real V-Day activities commenced back in our hotel room. Embarrassed, I labored to explain the state of affairs in Monica Cuntry... To my surprise The Surge responded rather vehemently.

"Don't touch a thing!! I am ALL about the full bush! What is it with these women and the racing stripes? I look at that and all I can think of are men's sideburns.. The armpits though, get 'em waxed already... Ani DiFranco, you ain't."

And so I'm wearin' her wild.. allowing the MM to continue her cuntly coup.

Reader Comments (67)

I shaved my coo bald back in September just to see what it would be like. Lots of upkeep, thats for damn sure! Lucky for me, my boy like his bush thick.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitygirl
Certified muff diver here... no muff's to tough, we dive at 5:00.

I prefer a crop once in a while. No need to ruin "a moment" by hacking up a pubic hair.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
"Certified muff diver here... no muff's to tough, we dive at 5:00."

That, my friend, is perhaps the best comment ever made on this blog.. Am cleaning turkey sandwich off my monitor as I type.
February 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
The prophet Mohammed had a definate preference for little girls and made a woman out of his wife when she was just nine years old. I assume this is why he instructed all Muslims to remove all pubic hairs otherwise, he said, they would be little better than animals.

Be glad that The Surge has no fear of furry creatures.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
Oh my. I love this blog. Your ability to provide me with constant entertainment while plugging away at my shit job never ceases to amaze me.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I love you and I want to keep you for my own amusement and enjoyment and let you tell me stories. I promise, I'll pay you well.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
I usually get a brazilian wax. Here are some ground rules for the waxer:

1) Don't make small talk with me.
2) Don't wax the same place over and over again. It hurts.
3) Never say "oops."

My last experience was so bad I haven't been waxed since september. Not that anyone's been down know...this year...
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
I smell a top ten simmering..

Heather - can I be your girl crush? I've always longed for a girl to crush on me...
February 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Monica, do you know why Jesus couldn't have been born in Utah?

A: There aren't three wisemen or a virgin.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
I had a friend that shaved his head. One day his girfriend used her clippers to shave him - she called them her "cooter shears". He walked around the rest of the day saying, "smell my head."
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
This is great. Now I don't feel so badly after my own period of hybernation.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLynn
Lynn! Rock the Mormon Muff with me mah sistah! You and I can bring it back... Down with waxing! Who's with me?

(ba da boom! StFarmer's on a roll..cooter shears.. oh sweet lord)
February 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
That's not all you smell, my dear.

Ba-da-da ching.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
This is so funny! I'm a hairy mofo and I find waxing barbaric. That said, I luv her most when she is all neat and tidy--enter the Remington Bikini Shaver. This thing rocks. WAY better than the Jenna Jamieson bikini trimmer which is for wispy blondies. The Rem can whack through the most serious undergrowth like a scythe. Now I have the neatest bush of all times.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusan
Speaking of smells...and, don't hate me because I thought this joke was funny, k? I mean, it's not really funny.. you know, it's just about stereotypes and all...

Have you ever wondered what fish smelled like before women started swimming?

For real though... who the hell invented Feminine Deodorant Spray (FDS)? Now that stuff just smells nasty! Just give me au natural.

God, I hope I don't get banned from posting.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
Banned from posting? Do you read my shit? I'd have to ban myself dear boy.
February 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Monica, I here by bestow upon you, the title of HB's Girl Crush. This title includes the fine entitilements of letting me read your blog for hours on end and if you're lucky, accompanying me on trips to Thai restaurants (which I know you like). Also a lot of the alcohol. Consider yourself lucky.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Women shave and groom the nether regions, but men, not so much. Double standard, perhaps?

I say, let it grow and be proud!
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUtahSpanky
Awww UtahSpanky.. what a man!

Heather, I graciously accept.

Are we like, going out? Monica and Heather sittin' in a tree...
February 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Ok, then... one more tibit from StFarmer's vault of cunnilingual knowledge.

In my experience, such that it is, I have found women to be overly wrought with concern over how "theirs" smells/tastes. I can deal with most anything and smile about it. Mostly, I just love eatin' at the Y.

There are however two situations that make me shudder <shudder>. One, a yeast infection... get it treated and get your significant other treated too because if ya don't, it can keep coming back. The second thing, vinegar douche, need I say more? I'm not eating at a salad bar.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
St. Farmer... as you're compiling tidbits for StFarmer's Vault of Cunnilingual Knowledge (spectacular title by the way) I wondered if you've read my The Girl Who chapter titled "Pussy Party" and if so, care to comment?
February 17, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Monica, for your reading pleasure I have commented @ the chapter you noted.

I had read it before but hadn't left a comment at the time.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
To quote Grey's Anatomy "George take your eyes off my vaginana!" LOL I love it! I used to call it my cooty, now it is my vaginana!
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
I saw that last night! How do you pronounce it again? I need a pronunciation key!
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Jen, it was 'vajaja' (prounounced Va-jay-jay).

and Monica; K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I know it's a little belated, but will you be my valentine? I love Ellen too and I'm sure the Surge already has that spot, but if it's possible for you to have two valentines, I would be honored.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Well I was close! I kinda like Vaginana! LOL
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Monica Cuntry....that is SO good!!!
This post is full of good ones, I loved it!
Keep 'em comin'!
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
I am terribly afraid of waxing. Monica's tale of the trip didn't help ease my fear...
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
I will never look at men's sideburns in the same way again. A "MM" does seem more womanly. I've always been of the opinion that the guys that like the racing stripe are the same guys that prefer Pamela Anderson types. I'll support you in your wax protest.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
I think this blog is disgusting. You have no shame Ms. Bielanko. I hope you're proud of yourself, inspiring young girls to "run for the border" for an abortion. Saw the article in the city weekly and came here to see your "writing". Lovely topic.
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
Being real, not bullshitting, staying true to herself....Monica inspires me on a daily basis. She is also one of the most nonjudgmental women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Maybe you could learn something....

Lovely topic, Monica. Keep 'em comin :-)
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTabatha
I think it's hilarious!

"Muff diver's of the world unite"
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
Yo, Joe. ^5 How's your hat?
February 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTabatha
Against abortion? Then don't get one. Thanks for stoppin' by.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
ahhhhh - you beastly bear - randall needs to log on - he'll be soooo sorry you're new growthly freedom wasnt your opinion about . oh .. what .. five years ago? i have no idea what blog rules are - ok to talk freely? i just remember - well kindof - that we were in agreement about a plane landing.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterhope
ANOTHER THING - it's courageous to put it all out there - you know this . still when someone is negative - ie earlier note from gal who found you after article - it still hurts.

in toledo someone wrote to tell me my hairstlye was demonic .. really, like the devil was my hairdresser - ...sighh.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterhope
sure = you're all in bed - i'm all alone in a different time zone who just found this blog.
im laughing my ass off - is there anyone who stays up late anymore..intelligent life .. anyone anyone
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterhope
i'm up until 3 or 4am PST most nights. the "intelligent life" thing is in question, but i'm up.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
1. what happened to reading/hearing something, deciding you don't like it, and moving on? i suppose, sure, most of us here read monica's writing and liked it, so we said so at some point and, sure, you've got every right to voice your opinion, but in what way is that productive? "ohhhh SHIT! sarah finds my writing distasteful and she doesn't approve of abortions. well, i can't personally overturn roe v. wade, but i can change myself! no more pottymouth from this day forward!" was that the response you hoped to revoke? i just don't understand the thought process behind "dear X, you suck!" do these people do this in all aspects of life?

"man, nightline was terrible tonight. time to draft that letter."

"jeees, 'how i met your mother' is just. not. funny. i'm going to see if i can't get that neil patrick harris on the phone and give him a piece of my mind!"

2. hope, thanks to you i have beck's "devil's haircut" stuck in my head.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
in the above: revoke = provoke.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
Cooters and hooters, my two (or is that three?) favorite subjects.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
Sarah,I am "mormon" also.I believe certain things and think certain things. But doesn't our religion teach love, over everything; pure love, unconditional love, and to be nonjudgemental? If you are truly christian you would have stopped by, read, not liked it AND MOVED ON. No spewing of any negatives. No judgements made. YOU my dear girl are the example we don't need, and give them all the ammunition they need
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertimpanogos
I love my hat, Tab's! Makes me look like pre-MS Ronnie Lane, or at least that's what I like to think, anyway. Those handwarmer's have revolutionized my poop pickup's when walking the two dogs.
I think you should knit them for all the wonderful folk who stop by this fantastic cyber-speakeasy!
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
timpanogos: I love your point of view.

"YOU my dear girl are the example we don't need, and give them all the ammunition they need"

This makes such good sense to me. It's unfortunate that a group is often publically "represented" by the folks who serve as the worst examples. It happens because these bad example people are often the most vocal, know-it-all, obnoxious of the bunch so they're the ones people look at. The Muslim extremists who "respresent" Muslims in general. The Latrell Sprewells and Dennis Rodmans who represent NBA players in general. The George Bushes who represent Americans in general. The Anna Nicole Smiths and Tara Reids who represent blondes in general. :)

The good examples are the ones who don't shout at the world, don't force their way into the spotlight, don't use their religion/status/position/hair color to justify their bad behavior. Thanks, timpanogos, for being a good example.
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
Timpanogos is my favorite mountain in the world. Welcome..
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Monica - this post cracked my shit up. I have to say - I've been afeared of the waxing my whole life, so I nominate you for president of our girl club.
As far as Sarah and her ignorant ass comment... I know why you moved. It's not too different from the southern Baptist righteousness I grew up with in Texas. But gawd, it's exhausting!
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
Now´s the time for my first comment. I so disagree!

As a nurse and gym-goer I´ve come across more female pubic hair than anyone could handle.
Not only am I an expert, I have a pubic-hair-burn-out-syndrom.
I´ve seen, smelled and cleaned bushes of all kinds, colors and structures, straight, curly, even longer than the womans head-hair and often of a different color.

Not only is it unacceptable from an aesthetic point of view, it stinks and contains lumps of various secretions, excretions and toilet´s also too often attributed with haired armpits and legs and flabby breasts worn without bras.

Quite common in younger women is the combination with henna-red (head-)hair, a degree in social education and interest in esoterics, but that may be a German phenomenon (I live there). Or they´re older and show no interest in anything at all.

I really appreciate female muslim patients´ neat and clean odour-reduced muschis.

Now that You´ve got me thinking about it: in fact, I´ve seen disproportionally few female patients on my ICU with a tidy waxing or shaving.
Which makes me look for a correlation between physical health and genital hairdo:

1. women who end up on ICU have been ill for so long they´ve been preoccupied with existential questions and stopped minding the forest down-there
2. women who don´t take care of their bushes tend to neglect their bodies in general, which makes them more prone to disease
3. a neat landing strip keeps you healthy!!

Personally, I wax in summer, in winter a quick shave is enough.
MM´s never an option for me!

Love Your blog. Keep going!
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertanja
While I really hadn't read this before because well talking about my muff isn't something that I like talking about.

Growing up I was never taught or told to shave, wax or trim it. Just wasn't something I really knew about until I got older. I knew to shave my legs and armpits, that's it.

When I got older I found out a lot of women do shave there. I tried it once. And the itching drove me crazy as my hair grew back. It's terrible walking down the aisle of the grocery store and you have this terrible itch that you just can't scratch because of other people around.

I didn't shave there again. Unfortunately, I have very thick hair, top of my head and down there.

While I shave my legs during the summer, sorry folks during the winter I just get lazy. I joke around saying that it keeps my legs warmer.

After many years of not trying to shave there again, last year I did. Not completely, I trimmed it up with scissors and used a electric shaver. Will not shave the whole thing off, because well I just think being completely bald down there is just wrong!!!! JMO...

So Monica welcome to the club, it's not just a Mormon Muff because well I'm not mormon.

Oh yeah just cause I let my "bush" grow doesn't mean I don't take care of myself or that I have any diseases. I am quite healthy. Thank you!
February 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Oh yes, would like to add....thou who judge others should judge themselves first, Sarah
February 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
I agree Fia - just cuz you're rockin' the MM doesn't mean she isn't clean as a whistle.. oh lord Tanja - that post was priceless.. So the Muslim women keep 'em tidy eh? Who'da thunk? I had them pegged for MM's (Muslim Muffs) fer sure..

For me - it's wax or nothing... the shaver frightens me in that area and I don't dig razor burn. Plus I already have enough acreage to shave every damn day.
February 19, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica

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