Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Attack Of The 6 Foot Tall Stripper

It was my idea to take my new boyfriend to Salt Lake City's premier strip club. I had this brilliant epiphany whilst glugging obscenely bright colored cocktails in an effort to appear cosmopolitan for my new lover. I think the strip club idea was more of the same - an attempt to come off a hip chick. You know - something along the lines of 'these stilletoed, humungous chested strippers don't intimidate me. I am a together lady, dammit!' Takes more than legs (all the way to HERE!) and a giant rack (out to THERE!) to ruffle this blonde. Right? Er... RIGHT!

I would hoot and holler with the best of 'em... and I'll be fuckered If I won't tip more too! The ladies will love me! I'll be a hit with the strip club AND my new boyfriend, The Surge. My roommate Anjee and her boyfriend agreed to make it a foursome.. And so we set out to Golden Trails, visions of tasseled nipples dancing in our heads.

It began innocently enough - if a creamy skinned red head waving jumbo melons uncomfortably close to my face while I giggled awkwardly is innocent - then yes, it began innocently enough.

Pitchers of beer arrived... brimming with amber hued suds. Shots of ice cold Jagermeister disappeared down my stomach faster than chocolate cake in a third world village... And before I knew it I was hammered. Is there anything uglier than a loud and lewd drunk woman? Paris Hilton has nothing on me.

As ZZ Top cranked to a close the DJ, yes there was a DJ, announced the next gal' to hit the pole..
"Gentleman... and ladies" (at this, the gap toothed, gold chained wonder tossed an especially lecherous wink in my and Anjee's direction) "comin' to the stage right now.. please give a warm welcome to CHERRRRRY!"

"Cherry" blasted out from behind the velvet curtain in a fury of bronze and blonde, the raucous strains of - what else - Warrants "Cherry Pie" vibrating from strategicallly placed speakers..

Now, up to this point Anjee and I had pulled off our cool-chicks-in-a-strip-club-and-we-ain't-bothered-a-bit routine. As we like to consider ourselves free thinking gals who support our sisters trying to make a buck... we felt good. We tipped big, smiling at strippers as if we were in on the joke.. Until Cherry trotted down the runway and clamped the gold pole between two rock hard thighs.

She was hot.

I sneaked a peek at The Surge. There he sat, beer frozen halfway to his mouth as he tried for and failed at a nonchalant demeanor while watching Cherry.. Our gal promptly proceeded to fling herself around two golden poles like Nadia Comaneci in the Olympic finals.

Anjee and I attempted to regain our too-cool-for-strip-club composure, displaying our ease by generously acknowledging the obvious beauty of the woman.
"She's got amazing legs.. she must be, like, six feet tall." Anjee said casually while taking a sip of beer.
"Her hair is beautiful. I don't think those are extensions, either." I agreed. See! I was pleased with myself. Look how complimentary I am... I'm not an envious girly girl.
The Surge squinted at me skeptically.
"What?" You think all girls are jealous maniacs?" I said coolly as Cherry pointed her taut moneymaker in our direction and shook it like a polaroid picture.
"Puh-leez.." Anjee agreed. "It's all about appreciating beauty."
The Surge and Anjee's boyfriend exchanged doubtful looks before attempting to call our bluff..

Anjee's boyfriend slid a crisp Andrew Jackson between Cherry's mountainous cleavage then said "she IS beautiful." I watched Anjee's jaw clench as she tried to restrain herself from her usual sarcastic commentary. She defied my expectations and made a fantastic recovery by managing to throw a fiver near Cherry's shiny lucite platform stilletos.. Well played girlfriend.

Perhaps convinced by our glossy feminist veneer and only about a month into discovering the depths of my deceptive personality, The Surge ventured a toe into the pool.
"Yeah.. she is pretty. You think those are real or fake?"
Fueled with 3 parts Jager and one part jealousy I turned on The Surge like a rabid dog - foam at the mouth included..
"Oh why don't you just go fuck her, you sexist prick!"

So much for cool.. Ah well.. At least I tried.

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Reader Comments (26)

I don't think I'd ever go to a strip club with my boy. But I did give him permission to oogle ladies on tv and voice his opinion. I must say, I'm beginning to regret it. Much to my horror, it does sometimes bug me a bit. Dammit! I thought I was more progressive than that.
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitygirl
I will never, ever be cool or hip enough to take a boyfriend to a strip club. I'm afraid the jealous bitch crown just doesn't come off.
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSerena
your the man surge
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Allright for all us girls over 6'!! :) 6'1" here :)
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
I used to work at the "High-end" strip club in New Orleans as a Cock and tail Waitress. Must say that I never came across a beautiful stripper. Most of them were cracked out,too old, too young, either too skinny with fake boobs or too fat with fake boobs. And all of them broke my heart. And they all constantly asked me for drugs...which I never had.
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersicksadworld
As I've visited strip clubs (don't ask) in every part of the world (Mexico, Las Vegas, California, NYC) I think Utah strippers are a different breed.. They tend to be cleaner (think hot coed temporarily taking it off to afford tuition) and prettier than the other - shall we say - Lifers...
February 24, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Mexican strippers sound scary...I have been to a Vegas strip club and i will say that they looked healthy and for the most part good looking....Alantic City is nasty....Philly has it's perks...NYC I wasn't impressed...I would say there is a good lookin stripper in most every club I've been though....

may I also note that I haven't really been to that many...and most of them have been bacholar parties!!!!
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian

that was great!

February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChuebe
"may I also note that I haven't really been to that many...and most of them have been bacholar parties!!!! "

Riiiight Brian - we believe you.
February 24, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
luv this post, i've often contemplated taking my hubby to a strip club (shockingly i've never been to one yet myself either) so it could be something we do together & i went thru a phase when i was 19 where i wanted to just run away to vegas or where-ever and be a stripper. it's interesting to get a females perspective though and i'm sure i would end up bitch slapping mabye i better not!
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFlea
As long as I'm on the drunk side of sober and don't look too closely in the eyes of the women, strip clubs can be fun. I've always wanted to get a lap dance but never had the courage. My husband and I love to play real-or-fake, whether it be at strip clubs or watching porn. Sometimes heated disagreements ensue.

February 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Real or Fake is perhaps the funnest game ever! It gets better as implant technology improves.. Tough call nowadays, innit?
February 24, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
I for one am no longer a big fan of the strip club. All it is for me is "spank fodder". I go to these places and all the women want is the stinking one dollar bill. I imagine they would be happy with a fiver or ten piece, but they will do all kinds of acrobatics for a single. Weird, aint it? I don't get it, I used to get it but now I don't. The same silly moves, the same silly "bouncing" and "pole loving", just makes this guy wonder what and why. Then again I am in sort of a "soul searching" moment in my life. I think I am going to buy me a Harley and do the "west coast swing" when the warm weather decides to come back.


February 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
It's not the one dollar bill they "want" - they just think you're cheap so they're settling... they giggle and make fun of you after you leave.

February 24, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Great, nice work Monica. Way to try to stomp on a feller when his soul is most vulnerable. Now I am special, and I may be drunk in the middle of a Friday.
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
Awww.. chin up fella.. forget that "West Coast swing" and do da East coast thang instead.. You can stay with me and The Surge...
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I quite enjoy strip clubs actually. I do feel like I'm "in on the joke" as you say. I tip big and generally get a friendly vibe from the women. It's the deadly serious loners in the corners that freak me out. Hilarious post!
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Hilarious! Reminds me of the time I went to a sorority party...
February 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
sorority party - And? You can't start a sentence with the thought of strippers and a sorority party and just end there???
February 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
The biggest surprise of this post for me was that Salt Lake City has strip clubs.
February 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNeil
you've got balls to take him to a strip club. haha great story. i bet they were fake anyway.
February 25, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoey
My one and only strip club experience completely grossed me out......on a drunken night out in Auckland, NZ, a friend and I ended up hanging out with a group of gorgeous policemen ( my big, sick fantasy almost come true) celebrating a bachelor party and were invited by them to go to this strip club. I thought this was just so awesomely cool until we entered the grotty place. Almost entirely filled with single creepy looking men and when they saw me and my friend they all got really excited and obviously thought that we must be really pervy too. What was on stage, left absolutely nothing to the imagine. Nothing erotic there at all. Just big vaginas stuck right in our faces. But the grossest thing of all was when two medical students I knew from my hostel, crept out from the shadows with really learing, creepy looks and were so excited to see me there and yuckier still is that I knew one wanted to specialise as a gynaecologist and the other one had once said to me all weirdly, that it was a fact that lots of women tended to fall in love with their GP's. So at that point, I left my policeman fantasy and went home in disgust.
February 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
I did this in Canada once (go to a strip club with my now-husband and a bunch of friends.) As a woman of the twenty-first century myself, I totally understand. You did pretty well, considering !!
V of F
February 25, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterViscountess of Funk
V of F - I've just been to your blog.. You are my new girl crush "Menses"..

Read somewhere on there that you don't think you're a talented writer, I beg to differ..

Actually - despite this one instance, I usually do quite well at strip clubs.. I've been to them a couple of times with nearly every guy I've ever dated and usually have a good time.. For some reason, I didn't enjoy my experience with The Surge.. which made me love him all the more.. He isn't a strip club kind of guy, is as uncomfortable as a hooker in church..

P.S. - tell "Nut Sack" hello
February 25, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Kudos to you, girl! We get lots of couples in our club, and its at the girls own risk, becuz we all like girls! We tend to get really frisky with them if they permit us. I wish you could show up at my club....siggh....
March 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Raine

Its all about appreciating beauty and having a good time. I take my boyfriend to a strip club now and then and it doesnt bother me at all. Men are human and will look with us there or not. Us females sometimes get mad at our men for looking at other girls, but we got to be honest, because we look at other men also. Seeing and not touching is ok ladies!!

April 6, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterredpaintedtoes

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