Monica Bielanko
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Who's Your Grammy Mammy?

Okay.. Since I unleash all manner of obscenities at the television I figured I may as well type 'em up for posterity and what not.. Live and uncensored!

Let's do this:

While I dig the Gorillaz music those cartoons fucking freak me out.. They terrified me as a child at Chuck E. Cheese (remember the keyboard playing Gorilla?) they're equally horrifying now. Is this what rock'n'roll has come to? Cartoons? Also, who the fuck are the Gorillaz? Are we all just pretending like we know what this cartoon thing is about? Is there a real band? Do they tour? Never mind. I don't care.

Madge! Ass harder than two unripe peaches. I'd hate to run into her flexible form in a dark alley.... Chrissake! She looks like the Incredible Hulk's wife... Secretly I would love to see our girl tumble off the stage.. That would rock! Sadly, her music doesn't.. Give me all the shit you want (even you James, my gay ambassador).. she can't sing and I'm bored of her "changing persona"... Yeah yeah.. she's clever, she's been whoring around for decades and she owns most of the world.. Girlfriend still can't sing. (Gay men everywhere are planning the takeover of this blog)

"Ring ring ring goes the telephone".. I need to be in a club, drunk from Kristal, on ecstasy, making out with Clive Owen to enjoy this music.. and even then I might have him just come out to my car where I could throw on a CD instead... I'd hate to associate my boyfriend Clive with that song. Damn though, our Madge looks good for 80..

Stevie Wonder blind jokes.. Yawn..

Obligatory applause for Coretta Scott King... I can dig it. It is Black History Month.. They were enslaved for centuries.. 30 seconds of air time on CBS oughtta make up for it..

Female Vocal Performance - NOT MARIAH, NOT MARIAH, PLEASE NOT MARIAH.. NOT MARIAH, NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH......... Kelly Clarkson! Woo hoo.. I am down with Kelly.. The girls got some pipes.. Aww - very heartfelt... Take that Gwen Stefani! Go smear on more red lipstick and stagger around your London manse peering at yerself in the mirror whilst what is left of your baby duck fuzz hair desintegrates. You lost me after Rock Steady. I ain't your hollaback girl.

WTF is up with Chris Martin and his hand band-aid/art? Gotta say.. loved the first two Cold Play albums but I'm done with his Jeff Buckley stylings and his annoying Bono-esque proclamations about the state of the world. Your wife is as pretentious as you are you privelaged British fuck! Look at him melodramatically crawling all over the audience.. I'll take this opportunity to relieve my bladder.. Nothin' like marriage to a born and bred wealthy American actress to suck the rock star right outta ya.. if it was ever there in the first place.

Sugarland - nothing worse than countrified pop. Except maybe that godawful contrived, "country" accent. Amen y'all.

Best country album - I can't tell the difference between all the singers.. To summarize - some folks was nominated and somebody named Alison Krause is collecting a trophy

U2 and Mary J. Blige - every year they shove unlikely folks together i.e. Elton John and Eminem as a crowd wower.. Whatever..

Best Rap Album - Kanye... No surprise here.. We're losin' him to the bling bling beautiful people though. He wore riding gloves and a white suit on stage.. Sweet lord.

Billy Jo Armstrong and Gwen are presenting - Gwen's porkin' up.. you so know she's been starving herself for the past five years.. now that she's preggers we gonna see the REAL Gwen.. All 150 pounds of her.

Best Rock Album - Coldplay is rock? Oh, I see.. Suburban rock.. and U2 wins.. Yawn.. I swear to god, if Bono tells me about the starving kids in Africa I will lash out...

ELLEN. Introducing Paul McCartney.. "This next performer needs no introduction." Then walks off stage.. Love me some Ellen

Paul McCartney.. Stop destroying your legacy already. Put the guitar down and step away.. Easy now.. Sloooowly.. No sudden movements.

Mariah.. Rapunzel, rapunzel... what's with your hair? Her boobs look like two overripe pumpkins trying to escape from the indignitiy of being attached to Mariah Carey.. Anna Nicole Smith in training.. Mariah in five years is Anna from three years ago.. If she makes a wardrobe change midsong I'm switching over to American Idol, I swear to god..

Teri Hatcher, you publicity stunt whore you..Whatchoo wearin' girl? If your dress is in all the magazines tomorrow you will be victorious! J-lo wannabe.. go back to the Desperate Housewives set..

Is it just me or does James Taylor look perpetually stoned? Affable fellow.

Keith Urban.. take advantage of yer grammy time lil' fella.. You're only here cuz you be datin' The Thunder From Down Under.. Your hair highlights look great though, who's your stylist?

Jay-Z, still love him - duo with Linkin Park - Eh... another of those Elton/Eminem things... I hate when I'm not liking something.. then everyone in the grammy audience gives it a standing ovation like it's the greatest thing since the invention of tampons.. News whores watch that reaction and instead of formulating their own opinion, said performance will be lauded for days and I'm wondering - Did you people WATCH? Or are you just saying it was good because you're supposed to? Grammy ovations mean nothing anyway.. They're just because nobody wants to be caught on camera being The Asshole That Didn't Stand Up for Mariah's tearful rendition of.. surprise!... her back catalog!

Tom Hanks with creepy porn star hair introducing Bruce Springsteen.. I love me some harmonica.. hmmm...Wonder why?

Destiny's Child - y'think Beyonce's parents make the girls let Beyonce stand in the middle?

Song of the Year - fucking U2.. while Bono is waxing poetic, let me share my favorite Bono story.. Ever see that video when he was struttin' 'round the stage midshow and backstepped right off the catwalk? Damn that was funny.. I laughed and laughed..

PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT... Kanye and Jamie Foxx.. lovin' the marching band.. if yer toe wasn't tappin' your heart wasn't beating.. black girls be steppin' and chantin'.. makin' me ashamed of my bland vanilla self..
Kanye, you're great and all, but Outkast did it a few years back and remains my first love..

Sheryl Crowe, post Lance.. Her chest is imploding!.. completely concave.. perhaps that's why Lance hit the road... if feelin' up little boys was his thing, why not date Nicole Ritchie? Perhaps he's headed there now.. she IS single..

Record of the Year - Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams.. Billy Joe should never speak. Ever. He sounds like Bill Gates.. just sing Billy.. just sing.. It's like hearing a song and you think the artist is American, then you hear them talk in some wanky accent and you're like, huh?...What the? That's how Billy is making me feel with his nasal nerdboy voice.

Christina Aguilera..No, it's Gwen Stefani.. Wait it's Christina!.. No Gwen.. Oh - it's Christina....Nobody can turn a one syllable word into twenty like you baby.. Boobs: real or fake? I remain undecided..

Album of the Year (what's the difference between record and album? And if it's because a record means song, then what the fuck is the song of the year?) NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH NOT MARIAH.... YIPPPEEEE.. Those U2 oldsters can have it if it keeps it outta Mariah's manicured mitts.

And that's a wrap..thanks for tuning in.

Reader Comments (42)

That was so funny! Jeez you are hilarious. I also crossed my fingers every time Mariah was up for something. I can't stand her. What is with her hand when she sings. Christina does it too. Like they're leading music or something. I do like Madonna though. Her music is good to workout to.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I can appreciate Madonna, trust me... I love Thai tai too but some things just get old after so much of the same. Just cuz she can change up her look, doesn't mean she's paving new ground or doing anything amazing. If somebody else came out with that stuff I don't think it'd even register amongst all the other pop out there. I think Stefani's L.A.M.B is way better than Madge's latest and I prefer Gwen from her punk/ska No Doubt days.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
You don't like Madonna! Blasphemy! Here I thought we had so much in common.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDina
Now, now. I am the first one on the dance floor should Lucky Star or Holiday or Vogue or Like a Prayer or or or... rock the house. Madonna is legendary for a myriad of reasons. I am just not impressed by her latest stuff.. or even her not so latest stuff... Everyone going nuts for her no matter what she does is tired.
February 9, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
do you ever visit's page 2? bill simmons used to do a "running diary" of the super bowl, the ncaa title game, etc. i loved his running diary columns so much that i would tolerate his columns about the red sox, patriots and celtics, along with his endless name-dropping, in order to catch one of those amazing diaries. dude's hilarious.

your grammy diary reminded me of those columns. in the very best way. "baby duck fuzz hair." love it.

i missed the grammys, had to work. my girlfriend sent me text message updates throughout the show, some of which were similar to your comments, so i got a double dose of grammy hilarity tonight.

thanks to the magic of tivo, i'll be enjoying them myself in mere moments...
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
I absolutely agree with you on the Coldplay thing. I was just sitting there thinking, why the hell is he prancing around the stage like that and toally messing up the song!? Gwenyth has ruined him.And speaking of how fake Mariah's hair looked, did you notice Jennifer Love Hewitt's cheap wig? How did SHE get an invite to present at the Grammy's? Maybe they felt bad for her because she can't seem to grasp that her own singing career will never go anywhere??
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMerteuil
I hate Kanye! Since he said George Bush hates all black people, not been a big fan! What a DA! (Dumbass)
Michael Buble porked up!! He presented with Terri Hatcher, he is such a hottie, but not with 15 more pounds! LOL Was trying to get tickets to his show, SOLD OUT!!! Not gonna pay $200 on ebay for a ticket, well maybe if he was sitting in my lap singing it to me! LOL
Grammys were on late in my time zone, didn't realize they ran so late!!
Btw, American Idol was WAY better then the Grammy's!
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
I heard U2 on NPR this morning....for a second I thought Bono died....but we move on...
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
I heard Bono too, talking about his dad.
Always been a fan of U2! But to be honest, I haven't even heard their song that won song of the year, strange.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
you must need a lot of money to record a crappy album....spend millions....write crappy a grammy....thats fun

have no money....have shitty insturments...write great songs....make an amazing grammy....thats rock n roll

thanks Monica...I'm having fun!
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
I think that may have been one of the funniest things you've ever written.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Love your recap, Monica and I couldn't agree with you more about your observations! But, I saw Paul McCartney last fall and I have to say that the old dude does still most definately rock. He put on an amazing, almost 3 hour long show. When the band took breaks he was out there on his own. I cried at least 3 times. I was terrified to see him come out during the awesome Jay Z/ Linking Park Encore bit . That definately did seem wacky. But get him doing his own stuff and I am crying like a teen girl in '64.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMindy
Of course hysterical play-by-play of Grammy Night, would expect nothing less.

I stopped watching that shite a few years ago...last night I was too busy watching VH1's teen heart throbes and where are they now...more shite of course, but I was glued to the boob tube when I found out Chad Allen was gay...I had him pinned up all over my wall!! It was nice to check out what's his face from The Blue Lagoon, he still looks pretty hot....
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
I think I'll take this moment to confess that I have a girl-crush on Kelly Clarkson. Largely because she has a fantastic set of pipes.

And Mariah Carey...can't she just have another nervous breakdown and hide out again already?? Please??
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersandra
Ooh, thanks for the recap. I couldn't stand to watch it. We flipped over to it twice - the first time, it was Fiona Apple and I wanted to slit my wrists. The second time it was Steven Tyler yelping with a crap-ton of other musicians and I had to look away in fear.

Allison Krause won? Cool. I went to high school with her, and we were bunk-mates at camp as kids. She and Union Station performed a lot locally before she went big-time and she COULD NOT SING. I assume she's had tons of training because she's aaiight now.

I agree on all counts about Madonna. I tuned her out when Music came out and she tried to play guitar. I give her credit for trying but then take it back for not knowing it was pure crap.


Gotta stand up for Mariah, though. I like her, and I always have (except when she was dating my then-boyfriend Derek Jeter). She is what she is, and never really tries to be anything different. Well, except when she tried to be an actress.

Thanks for the fun commentary. It's much better to hear about the Grammys this way than to actually watch them.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
Yup, Chad Allen is yet another hottie playing for the other team. He came out in the Advocate a few years ago.

I concur with the MAD_DONNA thing as well, I really can't stand her anymore, the other night Evita was on and I was like, damn! I can't believe I loved this movie when it came out. I guess it was the Antnio Bandares element t the equaiton.

Dude, back to that teen shit, Corey Haim BLEW UP! I didn't even recorgnize him...he weighs over 200. (Nothing against people who weigh over 200, my bro's about 310, yeah..he's large) little disclaimer there, I caught myslef doing it just now, I guess its all these years at the law firm, but anywayz he does not look like himself, Core Feldman still looks a little freaky to me, like a wanna be wacko jacko.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
Am trying to churn out witty banter in response to your comments but my mind is reeling..
Chad Allen is gay. Sweet lord! Lost another hottie to their team. At this point the hot straight guy, hot gay guy ratio is seriously skewed...
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
My favorite moment of the night may have been when Kelly Clarkson went up the second time and was like, "Bonnie Raitt, I am such a big fan..." I would have done the same thing. I think that's why some of us have girl crushes. It's like the girl from your high school choir making it big. I loved that Bruce needed no production, just him and the guitar/harmonica, and I like that he asked to "bring 'em home" regarding the troops. I like Mary J. and U2, am I the only one?
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCinco Lover
what?? Did I hear someone say they like Mariah?? What the fuk! She is what she is? Hell no! What a freakin diva "I am the best thing in the world" is her motto. Give me any kind of sausage skin and I'll squish my fabulous body in to it, she squeals. Ever , EVER see her in anything without showing those big fat enormous fake boobs. A simple tee shirt has to be cut down to her bush every damn time.Ya know maybe someone can sing a lick or two, MAYBE, but they fuck that up completely by being such a cunting cunt.. Yeah now be hollerin at me..go ahead but whatever
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoyce
Did anybody catch the blink and you missed it lifetime achievement award for Bowie? If you're going to honor the dude, why not spend, oh, more than 5 seconds talking about him. Why did they even bother? Glad he snubbed them by not coming.
You guys make me feel so old, I don't even know who Chad Allen is...
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
Chad Allen used to grace the cover of Tiger Beat with Kirk Cameron, The Cory's (Haim/Feldman) and the rest of the Guys That Were Hot When I Was 13 gang...

I was so in love with Cory Haim.. He happened to be filming a movie one time in Utah and my mom met him. She called me from a pay phone.. I still remember her saying

"Oh my gosh. I am looking at him right now!"

"No way!"


I actually put on make up and got dressed up - like he might stop by our house for a visit...How funny is that!

February 9, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
I loved me some Lost Boyz Cory...nice to see some Chad Allen fans though...When they showed Ralph Machio he still looks exactly the same, except he;s like 40 now....Wax on Wax Off.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
Just checked out your link to the man, has anyone seen the Spear movie??
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
Girl - I haven't seen Chad Allen since I was 15...Wasn't he on some family show with Wilford Brimley and Marlena from Days of Our Lives?
February 9, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
so, i wonder if any of the so-far-to-the-right-dick-cheney-has-to-reach-to-his-left-to-slap-them uberchristians currently storming my theatre in droves to see "end of the spear" are aware that the film's star is going to burn for eternity in the flaming depths of hell. this is too good. thank you. now i can change up my post-film banter with the senior citizens fervently recommending the film to me every fucking night.

"have you SEEN that?! end of the spear. it's beautiful. it's perfect."

"i had to screen it, yes. we have to watch the films before we show them to make sure there aren't any scratches or problems."

"incredibly moving, isn't it?"

"how did you describe it? 'beautiful and perfect?' i use those same adjectives to describe my cat, who happens to be an overweight dwarf with an anger-management problem, so i guess it's a sliding scale."

but now i can just say, "you know chad allen is gay, right? right? WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?!?!?!?"
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
From Mariah to God in 25 posts....I didn't think it would take that long.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Oh my God, I'm such a geek...looking at his site, I totally remember Chad Allen from Star Trek The Next Generation.
Did you see Ralph Macchio on Entourage last season? He still looks 15, poor kid!
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
That was Our House. He was also in My Two Dad's and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
Ahhh, "Our House" was the Chad Allen show with Marlena and Mr. Quaker Oats.

Don't forget, that is the show that unleashed Shannon Doherty to the world... Interesting that Ms. "I was once Brenda on 90210 and it shoulda been ME on that porn tape Paris Hilton, SLAP! give me back my dirty man!" got her start on a show that (if I remember correctly) ran like an hour long oatmeal commercial.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAKA The Girl
man, i love me some kanye. I've had late registration on heavy rotation. loved the golddigger step team.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
Mariah to God in 25 posts.. Damn that was good.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
That Jamie Foxx and Kanye thing was my favorite part of last night's show as well. I love how those band guys move. The stepping and chanting is so cool. Only part that sucked was all the rich, white music executive suits sitting in the middle trying to bop their heads - like they have rhythm.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
I love how out of control this has gotten, gotta love Monica's blog!!

Cheers to you sister girlfriend!
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulia
and Mariah still sucks. the end!
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoyce
Joyce, are you trying to tell us you don't like Mariah?
February 9, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
I can't stand Mariah either. By the way, Sheryl Crowe's chest looked almost as bad as The Anorexic Twins on The Insider. Have you seen that crap they're showing every day? How is that entertainment news?
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Okay... weighing in late as comment #30-something.

With you on Coldplay, Greenday, and other two-syllable bands that combine adjectives with other words.

Ease up on McCartney. I'm in Mindy's camp on this one. Hated when he was trying not to be who he is... a Beatle. That's not a shabby album he put out this year... and I'll take 'Helter Skelter' over 'Silly Love Songs' any day.

And on your last point, you stopped short: NOT MARIAH... MARAH. And next year somebody can blog YOU at the show.
February 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
I will always revere Paul McCartney... Perhaps my comment was more of a pre-emptive strike at hoping he doesn't fizzle in the face of younger generations..

The day the Grammy's acknowledge Marah is the day... shit.. I can't even come up with somethin' good for that one..But I'm with you Bri, I'm with you!
February 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I like U2. I didn't care for them much when I was younger, but have gained a lot of respect for them. Sure Bono can get on these kicks and go on and on about them. I have to give them kudo's. A band who's been together for over 20 years and still kicking it.

Mariah....ugh! I can't stand her. Never have. Madonna another one, I can't really stand. There are only two songs I like by her "Just Like A Prayer" and "What It Feels Like For A Girl". Only two songs I can listen to, all others get quickly cut off.

Paul McCartney, I have to give it to him as well. Watching him last year during the Super Bowl Half Time was great for me and my friends. We acted like we were there in the crowd with them. I like it when he still does sings Beatles song, but hey I love The Beatles.

I enjoyed Jamie Foxx and Kayne as well. Even though I don't particularly like Kayne. It was great.

Gorillaz thing freaked me out. Watching the cartoon bass player or was it guitarist in his tighties, basically humping against the guitar, made me think the Grammy officials allowed that? Thought it was a bit obscene I couldn't stop staring at it even though it freaked me out.

I didn't see it all, Idol was on and I was flipping back and forth then I just got bored with it.

And had the same thoughts about Marah myself. Thought how cool would it be if they ever got nominated for that. I'd pee my pants for sure. :)
February 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterFiabug
Monica! I am almost completely in disagreement with almost everything you said!

February 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChuebe
Eh... that's the way it goes. Will you respect me in the morning?
February 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica

Its Tuesday I have been reading for four days now, I was getting disinterested a teeny bit, and here you have kicked it back up a notch! Bam!!!
PS whatever happened to tallchickbarbara on the comments the baby maybe?

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMississippi Belle

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