Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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To Pee Or Not To Pee...

THAT is the question.. and such an important one at that. Yesterday found me easily conversing with The Surge... and availing myself of our facilities at the same time. Door open, public wiping, the whole nine.

It all came about very naturally. We were engaged in conversation when the urge made itself known. I'd meant to shut the door but Max decided I wouldn't be closing it this time around. He stuck his giant dog melon in the bathroom to inspect the goings on.
"Oh Max!" I tried to nudge him out, all the while continuing my conversation with The Surge, who was leaning against the bar in our kitchen..

But Max was having none of it. There he stayed, front paws firmly planted on the white bathroom tiles as he watched me unzip, back paws still in the kitchen with The Surge.. Yes, my bathroom opens onto the kitchen.. I can thank some industrious young New York architect from the early twentieth century for that. I actually have two bathrooms. One is the half-bath (sink/toilet) off the kitchen. The other is a half-bath (sink/tub) in the appropriate bathroom spot at the back of the house. Strange, TWO bathrooms, considering how small our apartment is.. but it's certainly fantastic when The Surge is in the midst of one of his marathon shower sessions and I gotsta pee. It works the other way 'round too, the tub coming in particularly useful one drunken morning when The Surge was availing himself of the facilities and I HAD TO GO.

Oh no she didn't. Yes, I did.

So Max wasn't gonna move. But my urine was definitely on the move.. so that's how it happened.. Suddenly, without putting much thought into it, there I was, peeing in front of my husband.. all the while yapping away about whatever it was I was yapping away about.

Before I got married, I declared I absolutely WOULD NOT be one of those girls that performs all manner of bathroom ablutions in front of their betrothed. Peeing publicly was a right strictly reserved for my gaggle of girlfriends, particularly on those drunken nights out with the gal gang. And up until yesterday, I'd kept up my end of the pee pact. I've never seen The Surge pee. The same can't be said for boyfriends of yesteryear, but I'd hoped to maintain some sort of mystique for my husband.. He is forced to observe me in all manner of compromising positions anyway, must he bear unfortunate witness to peeing too?

I'm certainly not embarrassed to pee in front of him.. he's seen me expel all manner of vomit in the most atrocious way possible (filling the cupholders in my truck to the brim on the way home from the FOX Christmas Party 2004) Yes. I did. It's just that.. the pee pact was an unspoken one.. a gallant affording of respect from one spouse to another.

And most certainly if anything MORE than pee needs to be eliminated, I'm all about running the water, coughing strategically to mask any unpleasant splashing that may echo from our very small, acoustic bathroom, reverberating horrifyingly throughout our size small apartment.

But now our silent pee agreement is broken and it was I that pissed it away. Much the same way I can't reclaim my virginity, I can't go back. He saw me pee. Did he care? Of course not. Did it change his perception of me? Nah.. He didn't bat an eyelash.. but still.. I'm just a bit sad. What's next - public tampon changing? Unabashed nose picking? The pee pact was firm ground, a comfortable island in otherwise tumultuous marital waters of Bodily Functions: private vs. public. Now that I've hauled up my anchor I am adrift in yellow waters...

Reader Comments (30)

this one is awesome. and there is nothing wrong with letting loose in the tub. as constanza says, "it's all pipes."
March 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
My cats maintain that we have a "no closed doors" policy in our house. To the point where if we have guests over, my worse behaved cat will stalk them upstairs and either try to enter into the bathroom before they shut the door so that he can dive bomb inside their lowered pants, or he sits on the other side of the door with a threatening clawed paw slashing at you from under the door.

Needless to say, my husband has seen EVERYTHING. He has yet to poop in front of me, but I am a no holds barred kind of girl.

Gotta get back to my naked vacuuming now. . . The neighbours love their chubby pregnant girl next door.
March 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPhoe
Oh shit that was a funny comment. I am a no holds barred kina gal as well.. I just felt I should maintain some semblance of dignity, considering I've already inflicted the wilds of the Mormon Muff on the long suffering fellow.

Your cat rocks.
March 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
peeing in front of your significant other is not nearly as mortifying (all right, it's not mortifying at all) as when you're hanging out with your soon-to-be significant other, say, at his apartment, trying to convince him that you are a woman of infinite mystery and sexiness and then the biological urge strikes to "do some business." no real subtle, classy way to handle that one. everyone knows what a fan sounds like. and when you turn it on, everyone knows exactly what you're up to in that little room.
March 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercarey
One of my favorite spots on the Michigan State University campus is a little basement restaurant in called the Dog Pound, They make the best chili cheese fries I’ve ever had. The place has two entrances, front and back, each with a dark cement stairwell leading down from the street. Everyone uses the back entrance because the front entrance is an emergency exit only and the glass on that door has a two way mirror on it. You can see out and up the steps but not in and at the customers who are seated at tables on the other side of the glass.

One late night, after a really good party I made my way to the Dog Pound for some refueling. The place was packed. A young gal came down the dark steps of the front entrance and stopped in front of the door. Forgetting that the 2-way glass allowed anyone inside to see out, the girl turned around and dropped her pants exposing her bare ass in front of a packed room of about 45 people. She squatted and pee-ed right there on the stoop, in full view of us all. She then pulled a napkin out of her pocket to wipe, dropping it on the ground when she was done.

The horrified guests stopped eating, forks halfway to their mouths. And if that wasn’t bad enough, when the girl pulled her pants up and turned around to check her clothes in the mirrored door, it turned out to be my younger sister Julie.

That’s a true story and one that we retell to torture her every Christmas Eve…as I’m quite sure 45 other people do with their own families.
March 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbob
The Dog Pound...perfectly situated along the drunken walk home from The Landshark, PT's or Ricks.

Sooo....unless the statute of limitations has expired, there's a warrant out for my arrest in the State of Delaware. Apparently, peeing on a fire hydrant in front of a police officer is somehow frowned upon.
March 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChicagoDave
Every day, I love your blog and your life more and more.
March 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHoopla
"everyone knows what a fan sounds like. and when you turn it on, everyone knows exactly what you're up to in that little room."

Well said. Which is why I urge everyone to install a combo light/fan switch. Then you can pretend not to need the fan if you actually do, and allow others to do the same. "Oh, my, is that the fan? Oh, I see, it's on the same switch. Oh, well, have to keep it on I guess!" (demure giggle)

I think this was a noble thought. A worthy endeavor. I, on the other hand, call my huband into the room while I'm peeing to chat with him. It totally grosses him out. And I run screaming if I see him pee, so it's not like I don't understand his pain.

My dear departed cat used to do the same thing- force his way into the bathroom, and in this house we live in now, there's not a working lock on the bathroom door. So unless you close the door very tightly until you hear a click, the cat would come in for some love. Friends learned to listen for the click. Which turned out to be a good thing, since my daughter likes to join you also and she baby talks the whole time, even handing you tp.

We're a full service bathroom. We come with attendants.
March 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Peeing was always OK with the mate, although I didn't particularly care to watch the squat and drop. I have pee'd in far too many places, around far too many people, to be self conscious about that.

I do, however, get absolutly mortified when "act #2" is interrupted; especially by my mate. I made rules, bribes, plea's, keep that from happening.

That never stopped my wife from busting in to tell me about something mundane, or, in her mind, important.

No wonder we divorced!
March 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
I've peeed (three e's or two?) in many a place, but I have to say, I prefer some privacy. So does my significant other, so we leave each other alone when in the bathroom. When we first started dating I lived in a small apartment where the bathroom was right off the living room, so you could hear everything going on in there. We spent months in mutual mortification. Nowadays, we couldn't care less. But I still consider bathroom time to be MY time, even if I'm just filing my nails or inspecting my pores or some other mundane bathroom activity. Joe, I would kick someone's ass if they decided to barge in on MY TIME just to tell me something meaningless. It's a violation of boundaries, dammit! Just wait two minutes, for crying out loud.
March 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
Thank god I'm not alone, Amanda.
I never understood it.

We used to hang in the bathroom and smoke. I'd take a bath and she'd...relieve herself.

Somehow I never felt clean after those baths.
March 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years now, and been living with her for most of that time. And not once have we seen each other piss, shit, or puke. And if this goes on for another 12 years, or 60 years, that's fine with me.

The bathroom is where our loving, talkative relationship ends. What happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom.

Except for mexican food night, then what happens in the bathroom follows us all around for a day or two.
March 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterShaun
It's gotta be said, and worth reposting...I am enjoying the comments from this post more than any other:

"so that he can dive bomb inside their lowered pants, or he sits on the other side of the door with a threatening clawed paw slashing at you from under the door."

"everyone knows what a fan sounds like. and when you turn it on, everyone knows exactly what you're up to in that little room."

"The horrified guests stopped eating, forks halfway to their mouths. And if that wasn’t bad enough, when the girl pulled her pants up and turned around to check her clothes in the mirrored door, it turned out to be my younger sister Julie."

"We're a full service bathroom. We come with attendants."

"We used to hang in the bathroom and smoke. I'd take a bath and she'd...relieve herself. Somehow I never felt clean after those baths."

"What happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom"
March 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
LOVE THIS POST!!! I have always left the door open when I pee almost my whole life! Just don't know how to shut the door, I just pop in, drop my droors, and wash the hands and LEAVE! No time to shut the door. So my boyfriend was living with me, I still left the door open, he would beg me to close it! I was like this is my house, I pay the bills, I am leaving the door open! The more I left it open, the more he would look! LOL Or if I was nakkie on the potty, he would FOR SURE LOOK! Now that we aren't living in the same place, it is a running joke that he is missing watching me pee!! He said he had to look b/c I was naked! I was like whatever, you like watching me pee! LOL
March 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
I always told myself I would never, ever pee or poop or fart in front of any significant other. And I kept it all up very well. Until my current boyfriend came along a mere three months ago... and I found myself peeing with the door open, showering while he takes a crap, putting on make up at the sink while he pees right next to me, never missing a beat in the conversation. It makes me a little worried, but at the same time, it doesn't really seem weird at all. Which I think is a good sign. <3
March 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChristy
Jerry: So what happened with Tatiana?
George: I shouldn't even tell you this.
Jerry: Come on...
George: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.
Jerry: I'm with you.
George: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily...extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...
Jerry: This could only happen to you.
George: So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".
Jerry: You said this to her after.
George: No. During.
Jerry: Oh, boy.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Wow! So...?
George: So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's(gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.
March 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
LOL! THat made me laugh out LOUD!!!
March 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Hey, I've pee'd in front of far to many people but I still hate it. I just hate going to the toilet when anyone, even family, are around. I actully pee's myself at school one day, it was so embarssing that I didn't want to leave the bathroom when I finally got there. But my mates came in and said they know that I wet myself. I spent half of Literacy (sob, my favourite lesson) in the medical room waiting for my mum to come with a pair of trousers. Also, during dinner I took extra long because I'd pee'd myself, the floor was wet, I was wet. Yeah, erm, anyway, gotta go, bye.
March 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSecret Secret
I had this conversation last night with a girl Ive just started seeing. (4th date)

It turns out she thinks it's totally acceptable to pee infront of her partner and its actually a bonding experience for her. I on the other hand would prefer it to be done behind closed doors as I like to believe that girls just dont do this sort of thing!
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDuncan
Oh man, that's just unlady-like. Conversations can stop for that one requirement. I was flipping out when my girlfriend and I were stuck in traffic on the LIE, and she decided that she had to pee so badly that she wasn't going to be able to hold it until the next exit. OK, fine. I gestured towards the side of the road, and asked her if she'd like me to pull over. NO. She picks up my Starbuck's Venti cup and begins to pull down her pants. WHAT? What kind of woman is this? I'm mortified. What's wrong with the bushes? She doens't want people to know she's peeing. WHAT? So she's gonna subject me to this, in my car? After a brief fight, and tears on her end, I let her do it. But still..What is with women? The bushes aren't the bathroom of the Taj Mahal, but it gets the trick done. A Starbucks cup leaves you cutting things off mid-stream as I'm yelling- Don't you spill it in my car!
April 12, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterunladylike
If it makes you feel better I'd rather wet my pants then pee in a Starbuck's cup, Venti or otherwise.
April 12, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
my girlfriend will pee each time she gets in the shower. If I am there or not. It was a surprise the first time I noticed it. Turns out I just wasn't paying attention for the first month. I am used to it now and do not mind. Its kinda cool
July 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNoah
ROTFL!! Ah, with the little one around, the door can never be closed! Altho after you have a baby with DH there, peeing doesn't seem such a big deal..... Just visiting from the carnival of family life!
July 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMamaduck
Yay carnival visitors! Nice to virtually meet you all!
July 31, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Here via Carnival of Family Life.

I have a half bath that opens to the kitchen as well. What's up with that?

I don't think it bothers guys like it does women. They're used to do doing all sorts of things in public that should be left private. It's great that you guys are comfortable around each other to just let go!
July 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKailani
Ha! Wait until you have kids and when in a public restroom they clap loudly while you do your bidness.

I'm here via the Family Life Carnival.
July 31, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterthe womom
all that's left to do now is to let him pee ON you. that's the best way to let him know you love him.
October 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermayoh8r
For so long as I have been dating this really cute guy which I absolutely adore. I have always been so scared to be Naked in front of him and even more scared about accidently losing control of myself and Farting, Peeing or Pooping in front of him as well. As it turns out, that sure didn't last long. On one date while we were engaged in conversation, it finally happened. I leaned over to find a more comfortable position and just like that without any effort whatsoever......I FARTED 3 times. My heart started pounding heavily and the sudden adrenalin rush from my Embarrassment I felt forced an uncontrollable urge that I just couldn't hold back. Yeah you guessed........Pee started gushing out under my skirt and running down my legs. Again I FARTED even louder forcing the already powerful gush coming out my Vagina into an all out explosion that totaly soaked my skirt from front to back. I felt like just disappearing into thin air. I could not believe I was sitting there Farting and Peeing uncontrollably right in front of my boyfriend. I guess there's a first time for everything. But since then, it seems like I am always going Pee or Farting at least every 5 minutes that we're together. Its so Embarrassing. I just can't stop it from happening.
November 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJamie
I'm a young female Real Estate Agent in my local area. Well being new at this business makes me kind of nervous sometimes while showing homes to people. This happened just yesterday. While I was in the middle of walking a guy through a home he was interested in. I was discussing some options with him on purchasing the home when suddenly it skirt suddenly came loose and before I could grab it with my hand it had fallen down to my ankles leaving me standing in front of this guy....half Naked with my Vagina clearly exposed for him to see. Then even worse.....out of nowhere, I just FARTED louder than I ever had before and just like that.....I lost control and hot Pee went rushing down my legs onto the floor. I couldn't hold it, I was Peeing so fast there was no way to stop it from coming out. Needless to say.....I stood there giving the guy a Free Peeing show of myself for at least more than 5 minutes. I don't think I'll ever hear the end of this one.
November 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

I laughed at this one! What is so friggin awful about peeing in front of your mate? I never intended to be one of "those girls" either, but I always end up being one of "those girls" anyway, so I should have known better.

My new hubby is a farm boy, raised in a tiny place in the middle of nature is nature. He expected me to feel free as he did in the privacy of the woods, field, etc. when we weren't in front of other people. I am a suburban/urban raised girl who at worst made use of an alley or (YES) Starbucks cup as needed, and am not afraid of a bush-- although to the guy who didn't understand bushes vs cup, it's a Safety + no Ticket + only you seeing her = thing, I get it.---
This is all new to me.

Fast forward to 6 months later, I am using a pee funnel for behind the car, peeing full-on behind the tractor, with husband who is standing to the side of me, also going, we shower together and both do it there, too, I knew he loved me when he didn't care if I peed on his feet.

As long as people TRY their best to be private and TRY their best to be discreet, I can understand that circumstances don't always allow proper facilities and that we are just all humans that gotta go.

Disgusting? Yeah.

But hey people, I don't fake the funk. Did I mention my hubby and I have also got kids and pets? Kids and pets will always keep you humble.

My daughter at the tender age of 3, told the entire bathroom once that I "was pooping" and that she hoped I would use toilet paper. I did, indeed.

November 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLulu

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