Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
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Too Big For My Britches

I am too big for my britches. Not in the way you might be thinking. Oh that I were afflicted with an inflated ego as opposed to just being heavier than I've ever been. I am quite literally too big for my britches. As I roll steadily onward, bearing down on the gates that herald the entrance into my fourth decade of life I've discovered a grim phenomenon.

Back fat.

Maybe you're acquainted with back fat, maybe not. Either way, you can imagine my horror upon discovering (with the assistance of three-way hotel mirrors and grisly flourescent lighting) these fistfuls of flesh creeping out the tops of my jeans in the back.


Ass fat has been with me for so long we're nearly friends. Thigh fat introduced itself to me in my mid-twenties with a hearty handshake and a booming "pleased to meet ya!" Fastening tightly to my body, thigh fat seems to have developed a case of separation anxiety. It refuses to let me out of it's sight. Belly fat, that flaky bitch, comes and goes, seemingly coinciding most directly with my immediate eating habits.

But back fat. This fucker sneaks up on you, tiptoeing behind you and when you ain't looking, slyly attaches itself to your back. Back fat is a sucker puncher. That's why it's behind you. What's next? Finger fat?

Reader Comments (20)

no not finger fat, the next step is the bulging over the bra in the back fat. It starts at the waist and climbs up to the bra line. One day not there and the next day...BAM! It's a bitch.
March 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
Yeah I think I might have to agree with Mama that it moves up after the back fat.

Unless you have a kid then your back get's fat and you have this little flab of fat on around your waist. While you may be average size or not overweight. This flab of whatever around your waist/stomach makes it impossible for one to wear low rise pants or short shirts that may reveal that ugly flab that you just can't seem to get rid of.

Now as for the back fat. I'm proud that I have back fat now. For many years before getting pregnant I had the boney back. Now that's ugly.
March 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
What about the ever friendly, 'I think I will just do a pop in visit while you are watching TV and never leave,' underarm flap fat. These things sway back and forth in the wind and if I happen to wave too excitedly they vibrate wildly for blocks. What happened to the tight, toned arms of my late teens and early twenties? I don't know - but as I approach thirty the underarm flap fat is here to stay and it is a competitive bitch...battling the back fat and the under my ass cellulite to the death.
March 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
Hmm, interesting. Why do I suddenly crave bacon?
March 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChicagoDave
Underarm flap! Oh shit.
March 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Face fat is next.



As we age, our faces get bigger and rounder. Every dry roasted peanut and Nacho Bell Grande will attach itself to the oily pores of our faces.

Then you become...

Barry Bonds head.
March 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
Once you have the face fat, the double chin is definitely another thing that will be there even after the face fat is gone.

Like Monica said, MOTHERFUCKER!
March 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
I'd rather have back fat than have a ______________ spine. You know, the kind where you can see and count the lumbar vertebrae?

Fill in the blank: Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Mary Kate, Ashley, Paris Hilton, any Anorexic.
March 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy K
Monica, welcome to the land of the happily married.

March 19, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Barry Bonds head. Ha! Don't feel bad, I've had a double chin since I was nine. Just a little one. Everybody called it "baby fat" but that shit is bonafide "adult fat" now.
March 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
"...bearing down on the gates that herald the entrance into my fourth decade of life" - oh my God. That puts me near the entrance into my fifth decade.
You´ve ruined my day.
And yes, I´ve got the bulging-over-the-bra kind of back fat.
Not much but I know it´s there to stay no matter how hard I work out - which I don´t.
A permanent change has taken place here that I´m not at ease with. Not me, not yet!
March 19, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertanja
Wish I could claim confusion or shock over back fat but that isn't the case : (
March 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSerena
Yes-- I also have back fat. The odd thing is that it merges into rolls of muscle at the upper part of my body (neck and shoulders). That's been happening ever since I started to do a lot of pushups and sit-ups. So there is a lot of cause for rippling effect.

Anyways, here's the latest evidence:
March 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer Armstrong
embrace the back fat, monica.
March 20, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterghost
Sorry, Monica. I have to call you out on this one. You are not friends with Fat. You have never even met fat. Back Fat, Thigh fat, Tummy fat. They all told me they never heard of you. So quit name dropping.
March 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
i think toe fat is after the back fat. i'll let you when i get it.
March 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKT
Wry Bri, somehow you always manage to delicately insert your humor into a discussion in a way that leaves nothing to question and always makes me giggle.
March 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I would rather have the back fat than the batwing! God how I hate my arms!! I try and try to tone my triceps but now there is just a muscle nestled in the flapping fat. My 3 year old daughter loves to knead my "squishy armpits". How fucking adorable!!
March 21, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkat
"muscle nested in the flapping fat"... I like that.
March 22, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica

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