Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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People Are Strange, When You're A Stranger...

I have just finished dealing with, perhaps, the strangest, most unsettling internet exchange of my life. And I've initiated and been on the receiving end of some weird shit. It comes with the territory, I suppose. Expose your thoughts and feelings on the net and you're likely to bump up against some peculiar folks.

What's sent my mind for a loop is how easily the internet can distort your perception of someone. People hide behind words, sliding on personas like a pair of slippers or a comfy robe. That can be nice. That can be terrifying. Which means, no matter what you think, you will never, ever really know someone through the internet. Perhaps that's true in real life as well.

I mention the above because I have chosen to come clean with you all. I am actually a 67 year old man, recently retired from a life of crime. For entertainment in my twilight years, I've been paying Monica Biel***o $5,000 U.S. dollars a month for pictures of her life. Ever see that episode of Seinfeld where J. Peterman pays Kramer for his life stories? That's similar to the arrangement Monica and I have agreed to.

Monica Biel***o is actually an intensely private person and has never written a day in her life. She prefers to spend her time either snorting lines of coke in her bathroom or slinking around her local ale house in lingerie, hovering near the jukebox continuously playing sad Jeff Buckley songs whilst chain smoking Virginia Slims.
Ahem.. As I was saying. Monica Biel***o is a junkie. She is completely delusional and I am finally taking credit where credit is due.
Consider this a word of warning. You never know who is really on the other end.

Reader Comments (23)

Okay - this post was both hilarious and terrifying at the same time...I hope that the weird shit that you have been on the receiving end of can't get any closer to you than your computer screen.

Look to Kramer for inspiration and demand your stories back! Break away from the clutches of the 67 year old man...
March 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
I love that image... www. whaat? It's such a confusing internet. And online personas are only a decade old? I think it's about to get a lot weirder.
Alex, 300 pound dwarf covered in tribal tattoos.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlex
Jeff Buckley live at Sine is the best. Although the "real" Monica B. may not have good taste when it comes to habits and fashion, I love her taste in music. ;)

"If You See Her, Say Hello" to the real Monica.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy K
I knew it!
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
Monica, would you please hook me up with him?
I could use some cash.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertanja
I'm actually exactly who I pretend to be.
Clever girl...I believed the story until your threw in some Seinfeld, that blows everyones cover. I think it may be time for me to come clean. I am really a gay tranny and I love to dress up as a womam, so my outside matches my inside. I love the internet.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
Ok so my mom chatted with some guy in England, he was so nice! FUNNY!!!! Early 50's, single, blah blah! Well one day I was chatting with him, he asked me if I wanted to see his "other" yahoo page, I said sure. Sure enough, DUDE WAS A TRANNY!!! I am dead serious! My mom quit talking to him, it freaked her out! I thought it was funny, he made an UGLY woman! But it was fun to talk about! He was in to playing with food, like erotically!
Never know who people are online!!!!! :)
I am normal, thank goodness! LOL
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
I live on the edge of Normal.... Illinois.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
LOL I have been through Normal! LOL
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
So c'mon Monika. Out with the creepy details.

Niedlchen the serial pervert.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
Oops. Meant, Monica of course. Damn this German brainwashing.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
Now everybody can see just how slow my brain works.......was just thinking again about what you wrote and Richelle's comment and realised that by having such a successful blog you are an internet celebrity. And what do all gorgeous celebrity's tend to have....their own personal stalker. So really hope this isn't true for you. Gross.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
smart move toots, that was the best and easiest money we ever made, why'd ya go and blow the cover??? S'all right I got a better plan. I gotta friend that works at this bank....I'll tell ya later. Meet me at the place.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
I definitely try to fly under the radar on the net...not for the purpose of hiding behind an anonymous persona, but for concern over the weirdos out there. If I google my name (maiden and married), nothing about me comes up. I'm also much less forthcoming now that I have kids.

That being said, I have met some great people that started out as online acquaintances, mostly in Springsteen circles. The internet has made the world such a small's hard to not fall into an easy familiarity with others out there.

Now, old man, did you give Monica a bonus for her appearance at Maxwell's? and what's mama's cut in all this?
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
Interesting. The new The Girl Who story seems to somehow be tied into it all. Details! Come on! Throw your faithful readers a bone.
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I've received a few tentative emails from folks wondering if I am referring to them. So. If you're thinking my unsettling internet experience is somehow related to you because you've emailed me recently you would be dead wrong. This person knows who they are. So quit feeling weird if we've exchanged email.
March 31, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
The plot thickens. Oh well. Keep your head up Monica. There are some weirdos out there and you're likely to catch your fair share. Have a nice weekend!
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
StFarmer! I think I understand your screenname now...

Monica, I'm so intrigued by this creepy internet story.
More details would be yummy.

March 31, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
I think we've all experienced internet loons at one time or another but if I need to track someone down and put the hurt on I will. so they're probably reading this blog then?
March 31, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
I've experienced them. Cowards. There are a lot of young male cowards on some of the "philosophy" lists I used to haunt.
April 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer Armstrong
Amanda, think insurance.
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
de q mierda hablan aguante morrison
June 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjjaa

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