Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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On The Failed Potential of Fruits and Vegetables

So I was cleaning out my produce bin the other day when the enormity of my lunacy became apparent. I was talking to the fruits and vegetables.. Apologizing for not assisting them in reaching their full potential.

The depressed little fruits and veggies that spent their last days languishing in the clear, plastic produce drawer at the bottom of my fridge. Brightly colored tomatoes and green peppers, fervently hoping they would attain their inherent right as produce by making for a healthy meal.. Perhaps accompanying my salad or The Surge's signature stir fry.. But I failed them bitterly.

The three strawberries left in the container, clinging together desperately, praying I would pluck them from obscurity by placing them atop my morning bowl of Kix.. Alas, due to my rampant taste for junk food these living, growing beings were relegated to a stinky, wrinkly death. Their dreams slowly dying each time I opened the fridge, chubby fingers grabbing for the jar of nacho cheese, or the Diet Coke... but never the sweet strawberries, never the rosy cheeked apples.

Oh, I'd bought them with such high hopes. Plans for healthy breakfasts, creative low carb snacks involving Ricotta cheese.. Yet I left them to die. First their vibrant skins developed an unhealthy brown complexion, then they began sinking into themselves, and finally a fuzz of green began to mutate their once perfect forms..

I heard them shrieking for me last Wednesday when I opened the fridge in search of that Snickers bar I'd placed amongst them.. safely hidden from The Surge.. He'll never think to look there! But I callously ignored their calls..hedonistically biting into the Snickers and slamming the door on their screams... And now, like those forlorn Christmas trees on the lot, the sad, weepy ones that don't get sold before December 25th - the strawberries will never reach their potential.. I ask you, is there anything more heartwrenching than a Christmas tree, chopped down in it's prime - all for nothing??

Like the trees, the strawberries were planted, cared for by their devoted parents, Mother Nature and Father time, babysat by the sun, the moon and stars.. the wind whispering lullabies throughout their tender young days.. Until one day when they were plucked from their cozy, earthen home with promises of high powered jobs as garnishment in a five-star restaurant.. Maybe they'd end up gracing the pages of Gourmet in lusciously provocative arrangements! If they were lucky that perky lass Rachael Ray might utilize them to demonstrate a fancy cutting technique.. TV stardom! They'd do Mom Nature and Pop Time proud..

Little did they know they were fed a pack of dirty lies. Their life was for naught.. They would die a slow, agonizing death at the hands of a Doritos fiend.. resigned to a smelly grave in the trash bin.

I'm sorry fruits and vegetables... So sorry.

Reader Comments (17)

I love how you come up with random topics and make entertaining/just plain funny pieces out of them!

vegetable drawers are worthy to write about...mine can be veritable troves of mystery.
March 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
You ARE a lunatic. But I love it. This might be the most unique post I've ever read. Apologizing to fruit and vegetables.
March 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterShiva
awesome. certain members of this household have been known to talk to vegetables, as well - to make threats.
March 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
Threatening the vegetables? But they're so innocent!!
March 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Ha ha ha. This is the best post I've ever read on any of the blogs I've ever looked at! Ok, well maybe not the best, but surely the most clever and most entertaining! I could picture a movie being played in my head as I read it. One of those that are 50's style gangster black and white stories, about the detectives chasing a criminal, with them telling you about every thought in their minds in a very dramatic and artistic form. I love it!
March 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterShaun
I've never mourned the loss of produce, but I've certainly given sad pause for the little christmas trees that never get decorated.
March 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I THOUGHT THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT THESE THINGS... for so long, I would feel sad about throwing away veggies because, like you said, I had caused them to fail at their purpose in life.

March 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHoopla
A fellow lunatic! Or as the effervescent Anne of Green Gables would say affectionately - a kindred spirit! Fantastic...
March 5, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
It's the most rediculous thing in the world, but it makes so much sense to me!
March 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHoopla
You have such a knack for making even the most mundane things into entertaining reading...I have had these same thoughts about the poor, fuzzy strawberries in the bottom of my refrigerator drawer. I always feel like they died in vain, a sacrifice to my healthy ambitions that never made it past the grocery store check-out. A tragedy, indeed. An unspoken outrage in the produce community.
March 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNikki
Awesome writing as usual, but wouldn´t it have taken a lot less time and effort to just EAT those poor bastards?
March 6, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertanja
Sadly, I have been the cause of many vegetable suicides.
March 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSerena
The same thing happened to my clementines.
I could hear them whimpering from the garbage bag when I put it out the other day. I felt terrible, but it was for the best.
March 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
i read the title and thought it was another masturbation post.
March 6, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersurge's_pants
Really funny post. I can definitely relate.
March 6, 2006 | Unregistered Commentereastsidegirl
Oh the horror. Look at their little smiling faces. You veggie murderer.
March 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFOX
Hey! I didn't do the murdering. That was some ol' farmer in upstate New York that did the killing.. after he poisoned them with chemicals. You could charge me with negligence perhaps... but I draw the line at murder dammit!
March 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica

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