Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Coming Up For Air

The Surge is reading my book right now. I just had cookies for breakfast. That is, if waking up at noon and eating your first "meal" at 1PM can be considered breakfast.. then yes, I just had Entenmann's soft baked, milk chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. Don't worry, I dipped them in milk.. s'almost like cereal.

I'm parked here on the couch, my usual spot, ass nestled in it's ass groove, Max's wet noser nearly dripping into the keys as I type. He likes to be involved. The clickety-clack of the keys comforts him. If I pause, stop typing for any amount of time, his light brown eyes roll upward in conjunction with his raised "eyebrows" as he looks at me in question.

The Surge is over there at the bar reading THE GIRL WHO. He's almost done. Perhaps it's a good sign that he snorts laughter to himself every few minutes. Then again, he could just be laughing at his own antics within the book - he does seem to think he's outrageously funny - and therefore, it isn't my writing he enjoys, it's the reading about himself that fills him with glee. If any of you have seen a Marah show you well know, he is SUCH a ham. He likes to read about himself almost as much as he loves to hear himself tell stories on stage. Which is nice.. The Surge, he has a knack for telling tales.

Am contemplating jumping on the L train and heading down to Coney Island. It's a bright, sunny, nearly spring day.. and I'd like to see the ocean today. Need to see the ocean today. Want it's wet enormity to wipe my brain clean. I've devoted a lot of thought to willpower lately. Specifically, the lack thereof. I want to make major changes, to see things in a different way. But when I try, inevitibly, I slide back into my old ways. I am ridiculously lazy. Truly. I need to get motivated.. but even saying that to myself, typing it here - it makes me feel helpless.

It's the ol' New Year's Resolution Syndrome.. How many of us want to do so many things, want to be so many things.. and somehow, time gets away from us and suddenly, it's a decade later and I'm STILL saying I want to run a marathon. I was 'training' to run a marathon 5 years ago. I almost giggle as I type that because it mistakenly gives the impression that I'm an active person.. Am not. The most active I ever was, was 3 years ago when I was trying to impress The Ex.. and although it was for all the wrong reasons, by god, it was amazing.. Ultimately, I felt awesome and it wasn't about him anymore. I felt empowered. Sad really, my best motivator to be active was either A)impress The Ex or B) make The Ex regret letting me go because I looked so damn good. Just so you know, neither ever worked. Mind you, I looked good, he just never regretted letting me go.

This past year has been much more of a creative endeavor than an active one. Thank god I walk everywhere or I'd be 500 pounds by now. The book THE GIRL WHO has sucked me in, forced me to think about myself, my voice, my perspective, my religion, past relationships, my marriage, my childhood...and now I'm tired of it. It's been cathartic and draining. I imagine it's how The Surge feels when a new record finally comes together. That's when my fun begins because he hands me a CD containing the rough mix of the songs.. I lived and breathed IF YOU DIDN'T LAUGH, YOU'D CRY (his latest record) for months. He didn't want any part of it. Was tired of it. Funny that our roles are reversed... Now, instead of talking track sequencing, we're discussing the chapter sequencing.

So. Then. Right. Off to Coney Island.. The bowels of Brooklyn.. There is something mythical about walking the faded boardwalk. Looking at the bones of the Cyclone, at rest now in the winter. I imagine it's all a ghost town right about now. I'll take my camera. Should be interesting.

Reader Comments (13)

"Am contemplating jumping on the L train and heading down to Coney Island."

Bad Idea.

Check your email for my weekly letter to the MTA.

That said, I love deserted Coney Island. It makes you feel like you are part of something magic and spooky. Can't wait to see the pictures.
March 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
I miss you Sicksadworld.. I'll rejoin the land of the living soon. Been working lots to pay for SXSW...
March 8, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
"he does seem to think he's outrageously funny"

hahaha i like that one
March 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
WHOA..WHA? HOW? WHAT THE? HUH? I am humbled by your presence Xmastime.. This is a good day indeed...
March 8, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
I miss you too! Wow, Xmastime. Guest spot!

Are you working on Friday?
March 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
That was just really cool!
March 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
I hear it's 75 degrees in Austin today. Take your shorts and flip flops next week for a jaunt in the lawns near Town Lake. That will definitely do an overtired brain some good!
March 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
So when you're rich and famous I can say that I 'knew' you when. Remember that I do have that girl crush on you, so that must count for something.
March 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
"New Year's Resolution Syndrome" is a perfect name for it. I stopped making those when I was in high school because I didn't like the self-imposed pressure. Turns out I still do it to myself all the time whenever I set a goal. sometimes I get to things, sometimes I don't. There's a long list that's getting longer in the back of my mind.
March 8, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitygirl
well, I don't wanna hog the spotlight from Monica, but....well, thats a lie.
March 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Yeah that's a lie. That jacket screams spotlight!
March 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
with that jacket, your name fits you well
March 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama

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