Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Write On

I've got to write, before... before I don't know what. Lately, the idea of a blog doesn't seem so appealing anymore. But this here blog has had so many positive effects on my life. It's an outlet for letting off steam so I don't explode. It's a forum to practice my writing. It's a place to organize my life. Had I not written here, I wouldn't remember so many of the extraordinary events that occurred in the first year of my marriage and living in New York City.

Each entry to me is an episode from my life. Additionally, this is a way to connect with people all across the world who share the same hopes, fears, dreams, dilemmas.. All of it.

Today I feel vulnerable. Exposed. I made the choice to use my real name here.. many of you know me. Hell, my mom, mother-in-law and husband are just a few of the folks who log on here every day. There are also people who hate me who log on here every day. It's odd. I guess anyone who regularly blogs goes through this feeling. So I'm trying to write through the weirdness.

At midnight tonight I start two weeks of overnights. The Surge leaves for Europe Tuesday. Another month of touring. Generally, the graveyard shift coupled with The Surge's absence heralds the return of The Beast. The Demon of White Sadness.

Eh... I've got to power through this next month. Right now, on the front end, it all seems overwhelming. Stay cool.

Reader Comments (14)

Monica, it’s just an April Fool, even it seems like the whole month will be a joke (that’s at least how I feel).
But in the end the happy moments will be back.
Chin up! (as opposed to cheer up)
April 1, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercrazygoing
I've gone through the same ideas many times, and probably am going through it again now. I go through a stage where I love blogging, and writing my thoughts and ideas online for millions to see. Often getting a sense of a 'high' out of it. But when that happens, sometimes I regret writing the things I have written, and often stop myself from writing in general. And plus, I've used my full name for my blog name. I write as myself, to myself, and for myself. But with the world watching, and judging. Knowing exactly who I am, who my son is and his name, and who my family is. Kind of scary.

I'll probably be changing the name of my blog and trying to take a different approach to blogging soon. I thought about not doing it at all. And just writing in my own journal. But sometimes, it's just better to say to someone else, and the world "YOU ALL GOTO HELL" than just writing it in a book for only you to read.

I must say that your blog has really changed my way of thinking, writing, and accepting myself for who I am. I check your blog daily, not only to see what you have written about your daily life and events. But to gain another experience of learning. You write so so so well, and it just bugs me to death because I cannot write like you do. But yet, that feeling of annoyance makes me want to do more. To try harder and be better with my goals, my son, and my life.

Blogging is not only a fun, exciting, and addicting thing, it is also dangerous. Letting the world know about your life can cause problems you did not mean to have happen. It can ruin friendships, families and most of all, yourself. I often get the feeling, that I have to censor myself when I write. That I have restrictions on my writing, for fear of someone reading it and getting offended or hurt. To me, that's not what writing is about. Writers should not have restrictions. We should not have fears. We should not have that little voice telling us inside that we have to be careful about what we say about this or that. I have had a lot of problems happen because of my blog, and have been accused of many things such as: being a racist, abusing my child, lying, cheating, stealing, discrimination, drug and alcohol abuse, being a pervert, and more. All from the things I write on my blog, that are important parts of my life whether they be good or bad.

Anyways, I've blabbed on long enough. Taking up comment space. Keep writing! Don't let anyone ever write your stories for you.
April 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterShaun
You are who you are today because of this blog. And I would like to share this story.

The other night I was at a friends acoustic show. There were about 100 people in the whole bar, 5 were actually paying attention to the 2 guys near the enterance playing their guitars and singing their songs. My friend that I went with, she's seeing one of the guys that was playing, asked me how they could get back up there in front of all of these people that were not paying attention to them. She said she couldn't have done that herself. I asked her if she remembered their old gigs when the whole band played to a room of about 5 people, she said she did. And now they play to rooms of 200 or more. She said yeah, and then they come to this place on a Wednesday night and no one pays any attention to them.

I said 1 word. Perseverance - to persist in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement.

Persevere in the face of your opposition and discouragement. Do not let that ugly beast rear it's head! The month will hopefully go quickly for all.
April 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGreen Id Girl
Please don't let the internet weirdos deter you from doing what you do best. As much as your blog has changed your life, it's affected mine as well. So many things I can relate to and I don't feel stupid about anymore because of this blog. We all do these things but you're brave enough to cop to it. Screw the haters!
April 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
You'll make it through!
April 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSerena
Write book. Publish book. People buy the book. Monica makes money. Monica quits job. Monica travels the world with rocker-boy hubby, and Max the wonder Lab. Monica writes second book...etc...

See it's easy!

Don't be depressed. Leave that to us "experts."
April 2, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
ah, Mon. (Can I call you Mon?) Nice to read this from you, since yesterday I was walking down Broadway watching all the Columbia kids frolicking in the sunshine, and all I wanted to do was step in front of a bus. (Not really, but I thought about the thought, which is close enough.)
I was thinking about how they say that suicidal people commit suicide in the morning, because they are told things will get better, and so they wait, and it's morning, and the sun is out, and guess what? Things aren't magically better. All this to say that I love how you end your post -whether it was conscious or not - that it's the "powering through" that gets us through, I think. It's perseverance, and all that shit.
You'll power through, like the scrappy Utah girl you are. Good luck.
April 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
I've been reading your blog for a while and I enjoy your writing very much. Favorite post: Restroomers in Distress. LOL. I fell out of my chair laughing when I read it.

I hope your time on graveyard shift works out okay. It's a difficult shift, but I have faith your humour will bring you through.
April 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTrish
You guys rock.. thanks for the pick-me-up..

April 2, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
i wouldn't come across your blog if it wasn't because of marah but now your site is added to the list of the sites i regularly read every day, right after marah's :-) . i like the way you write but i have to admit i don't know the meaning of all the words you use though i can get the meanings :-). the reading of your thoughts is also a good way to improve my english (don't ask me money for this 'cause you won't get a cent!!!).
more than all of this i like that you write of everything and this is not something common this part of the world i live in, believe me. here people often tend to hide their feelings and thoughts because you have to "look" the way the world expects you to be. you seem to be very spontaneous.

don't be depressed.

keep on.
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGiorgio
THAT was awesome.. I am bowled over by such lovely people.. Giorgio, it means so much to me that you just wrote that..and don't learn the language too well.. The broken English is adorable.
April 3, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Monica, I'm a lurker of the first order, especially since my (much) better half is a frequent contributor. But I had to say that it's your blog that's inspired me to resume blogging. And I commend your honesty and bravery in chronicling your life. Keep up the good rock.
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
i come here b/c I like your style, voice and honesty. Because I'm also left behind while my beau travels a lot. Because I miss NY and you're taking it in.

And because I get tired of writing about myself all the time too. Understand what you're going through; hope it works itself out, will keep reading in the meantime.
April 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPLD

Haven't checked in for a few days so I'm a little late in responding here, but I just wanted to add my .02. I love your blog, your writing, the way you are so open and give so much of yourself. Keep up the good work!

I can relate to how tough it is when Surge goes on the road. If you ever need a pick me up, don't hesitate to reach out and ask.
April 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

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