Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Wanking In The Rain

I tore myself from the couch, episodes of The Surreal Life and an overall successul attempt at redneck living long enough to let Max drag me around the park this weekend. Had I let him shit on the floor of my apartment, I may very well have reached full redneck status, but I caved and took him on a walk before the dog police brought me up on charges. There are dog police. I've seen 'em.. On television of course, but still - they're around, people.

Much to my chagrin, The Wanker was in the park, perched near his usual bench, cranking away at his goodtimes as if he were alone in the bathroom. The Wanker, he has a routine. Pleasant-faced man, strolls into the park and nonchalantly ambles toward his usual perch; he stands on the left side of a bench overlooking the park and props his right leg up on it, jaunty-like... lovely day everyone, I'm just going to stop here and enjoy the fresh air.

He's a left-handed wanker. I know because one time a garbage can had been placed in his spot. Instead of utilizing the other end of the bench, he spent the better part of five minutes wrestling the heavy, metal container out of the way so he could occupy his regular locale.

Throughout the months I've lived here, he's worked out the kinks, if you will, of public wanking. He stands next to the bench, props his right leg on it, pulls his business out of his zipper hole and gets his one man party started.

Mind you, I've never been close enough to see his business, can just make out his hand playing the ol' whorepipe from afar. At a distance, he looks like a nice enough fella, just taking a breather on the park bench, enjoying the outdoor atmosphere.

This time though, on a cold, rainy morning, what struck me was his dedication to his, erm..uh.. his craft. He had an umbrella! There he was, in the rain, umbrella in right hand his goodtimes in his left, wanking in the rain.

I suppose I could call the police.. Have considered it a time or two, but in the end, really I can't be bothered. My first month here, I decided to explore Brooklyn with Max and came upon my inaugural public wanker. Of course I ignored him.. but he followed me from a distrance, tugging away at his little member.

I would have called the authorities that time, but I'd left my phone at home. Also, I felt a bit proud, like I'd just been initiated into becoming a bona fide New Yorker. New Yorkers don't freak and call the police at a little public wanking do they? They ignore it and move on, right? Still, I felt dirty that day. Took extra care in the shower.

The Park Wanker, now that's a different story. I'm so accustomed to him, he's kind of like MY wanker. Part of the neighborhood and such. And unlike our man from before, he's not an agressive wanker, doesn't wank AT me. In fact, I'm generally on the other side of the park and if he's around, that's where I stay. Part of our unspoken agreement, I guess... Wank you very much, my good man.

But I had to laugh this time as I watched him dexterously holding the umbrella in one had, flopping his goodtimes with the other AND skillfully shoving them back in should anyone happen by... "I'm wankin' in the rain... I'm wankin' in the rain..."

Gene Kelly woulda been proud.

Reader Comments (27)

I'm waiting for a daily photo of the wanker.
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStFarmer
Dude.. it'll happen.
April 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
Was there a reason you picked that particular photo of Gene Kelly? He almost looks like he has his hands full as well.

What are you holding in your pocket Gene?

Hilarious post, as usual.
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
"jaunty-like... lovely day everyone"

a. Jaunty is SUCH a great word.
b. It's not easy to write with an acccent, as if you were verbally telling the story, and you just did. That's 10 points extra credit!
c. Say... that wouldn't be a cockney accent, now, would it??

April 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
im so not intertested in pics of that.
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterghost
I grew up in NYC. (Mormon too) Nothing like being a teeanger and having a guy "beating his meat" in front of you on the subway.
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNicole
Beating his meat is quite crass.

I believe the correct terminology is, "Discussing the matter with his Bishop".
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg
I may never look at that movie in the same way again.
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlex
Having a date with "Miss Michigan", was what the boys used to call it back home.
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAME
oh my God Monica! This was hilarious! Every day I read something and I think this is the funniest thing ever, and then, wait, oh shit, there she goes again, and then all you'se people up in here making your comments and all, well ya'll just kill me! Too fukn funny!
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
"and gets his one man party started"

Very nice!!
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercynthia
Another office pleaser! You created such a mental pic with this one, which was very nearly unfortunate.
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Clever and witty as always!
April 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterwebchic
Hi there!

Just wanted to say thank you for bringing the world that public apology a few entries down - excellent. :)

And also thank you for the mental image of that public wanker - what a way to start the day...!
April 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKW
just got home, it's 7 in the am. Had to read it again and it is I think thee funniest thing I've read in a long time! laughed my ass off...again! The way you tell a story!! Tell me another!
April 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
I once saw a man doing the same thing - but on a nice sunny day - on a side street in Georgetown. I was too flummoxed to think about calling the police. It was more like "holy shit, did I just see that?"
April 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Ever met an exhibitionist ? A raincoat and all that...exactly - did I just see that?

not so funny when you are 13
April 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercrazygoing
Wow, this guy even brought an umbrella for Christ's sakes. What forethought. It's hilarious.

Funny post.
April 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTrish
The dedication he puts into it is something to look up too. An umbrella, amazing. You can't crush a guys spirits after something like that.
April 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Call the cops. It's only a matter of time before he moves on to bigger and worse things. I think you wrote about it before...the lovely bones post, remenber!?
April 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbob
i'm not positive i agree with you, bob. sometimes a man just has to show the world that he knows how to handle his own business. not this man, mind you, but that man. the wanker. not me. him. nonetheless.
April 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
Yeah, I think this guy is harmless. After all, he does shove his business back in the pants when someone walks by. Methinks he likes to wank publicly, in private - if that makes sense..
April 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
i'm still not used to the public wanking. i get embarrassed/alarmed/disturbed all at once and hurry away. glad to see you've found peace with your own wanker :).
April 12, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoey
I'm at peace with those who don't wank AT me or others.. But if yer openly wanking at folks, hoping we see your goodtimes, I'm callin da po-lice.

And - even with "my wanker" I still hurry away and leave him to it.
April 12, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
If this happened in Australia, police would be on hand before he reached the goal of his actions. Not saying we're better! (Far from it) Just a wierd moment of culture shock for me! The man is to be pitied.
April 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAussie Bloke
Guy's like wanking in public and if they think they're being watched even better. As long as it's discreet and they're not in your face does it matter?
December 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

I like to wank in public. Its a super charged thrill. Getting cought is not the goal. Its the risk. Having every physical sense peeked. Dont knock it till you try it!

May 29, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMe

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