Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
« Open Up And Say Spa | Main | Elevators And Stalls »

Checks & Balances

It's important to note I'm not pregnant. I just look like I'm, oh say, 16 weeks along. It's not really my fault. It's all a matter of checks and balances, without the checks part. So it's mostly about balance, without me checking myself, see?

If I have a cold bowl of sugary cereal I need to balance it out with a hot bowl of something salty - like nacho cheese... which of course requires the crunch factor of tortilla chips to balance out the smooth cheesy goodness - very similar to cereal and milk.. You with me? And then I go brush my teeth and look at myself in the mirror in horror. Did you really just eat a gigantic bowl of cereal then a bowl of nachos?? That doesn't last long though.. I've got television to watch. My schedule is packed, people. If The Fresh Prince isn't monopolizing my time with his over-acting, that befuddled Mr. Belding requires my undivided attention. Monkey-faced Michelle from Full House and Uncle Jesse with that beautiful head of perfectly styled hair, I'm watching you next. "You Got It Dude!"

In related news - Roseanne reruns are on again. It's the one where Becky and Darlene fight, DJ acts weird and Roseanne makes wisecracks. That Roseanne.

On a side note, I've determined I've never thunk an original thought. They've already been thunk before. I had a boyfriend once, who used to go on treks in the Utah desert and whatnot. He liked to wonder if he was stepping on a spot of earth that had never, ever been trod upon before. Even by Injuns and Pioneers and such. I enjoyed fucking with him on the occasional camping trips on which I tagged along.
"Here?" I'd taunt.. "Y'think anyone's ever stepped here?"
I don't know how he figured it all out, but sometimes he'd say yep, I think that land's been stepped on.. and every now and again he'd rub his chin and say maybe not.

I think that same thing about my thoughts a lot. Sometimes I'll think a thought and wonder if anyone's ever thought that thought before. Generally I'm quite certain I'm one big fucking cliche.. full of unoriginal queries, concepts and ideas.

Reader Comments (20)

I'll do the same thing at the grocery store. For example, I'll wonder if a checkout clerk anywhere in the world has ever scanned the combination of Skittles, a six-pack of Guinness, and Baby Wipes.

Although, come to think of it, I'm sure there's another father of 2-year old twins out there in search of a sugar buzz to get through the day, and an altogether different type of buzz to get through the night.

April 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChicagoDave
What a noble thought, to step on untrodden land...I would never have left that alone.

Anyway, it's not about having new thoughts, it's how you spin 'em.
April 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
I watched an interview of Fiona Apple on PBS today. The interviewer asked her how she came up with her songs. Did she write the words first or sit at the piano and write the music first? She went into a creative state, using hand gestures and thinking out loud, it was rather interesting to see her process the question and give the answer. She said she thought about the words first. Maybe a certain word caught her fancy and then she played with it, added and subtracted words until she made up a rhyme or rhythm. She then added more lines to make a chorus or a stanza until she was ready to sit down at the piano to add the music.

What I liked about the interview was that the gentleman conducting it let her go through her process uninterrupted. And also that she said something about how when she was putting words together, she wondered whether anyone else had put them together that same way. Or if she were the first to discover that kind of relationship between words.

Creative people amaze me.
April 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAME
every thought you're having is a thought you had at a certain place at a certain time, so it can't be anything but unique. Someone may well have thought something similar, but they're unlikely to have thought it when you are, and they definitely haven't thought it when you are. And context is everything, so you're entirely original.

Interesting about Fiona Apple - I went to her gig in London the night before last - honestly, no exaggeration, the best gig I've ever seen.

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCooper
I have been sitting back quietly and watching you...errr ummm... in this case...listening to you. I have never commented before. I wanted to learn how to approach you. Therefore, I stayed in my corner never making a peep. For some reason this morning I decided to step out of the darkness and make myself known!

Just thought I would say you make me laugh. I know this is something that you have heard several times before, but "I" wanted to say it.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face with your witty sense of humor.
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSM
Sounds to me like you're on a Nick at Nite re-run bender... and with all the live, local, late-breaking News that's thrown at you at work, it's no wonder.

Original thought. I think it does exist. Rarer still is original expression, and you're certainly The Girl Who has captured that... and sparked it in others.

That being said, I gotta go. Jan Brady is about to ride her bike through a painting because she won't wear her glasses. (She doesn't know yet how much hotter she'll be than Marcia when she grows up!)
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWry Bri
I was going to go for a jog this fine morning.. and then I turned on the television - actually I'm lying, it was already on... It's the one where Dan and Roseanne get stoned in the bathroom... Can you say classic? Jogging's for losers.
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Oh.. and SM - I like that you've been sitting back, observing.. Makes me feel all famous-like, right here on my couch, licking cheese from my fingers.
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Carlton Banks. EASILY top-5 supporting character of all time. other than being in love with Hillary, the reason I watch the show; a la watching Seinfeld waiting for a George scene
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
True dat... Carlton Banks - sooo underrated. Love when he does his "white guy" dance. Carlton - you so funny.
April 13, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Ahhhh, just damn brilliant.
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCChild
when I go hiking in my hills I wonder how far the nearest snake is, Is it 6 feet away under that rock I can see or 1/2 mile away. How close is it. Monica you know my fear there, but all I can think is the nearest snake. Or how morbid is this close is the nearest dead body. yeah, yeah I have issues.
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
another great one is Ron from A Differnt World. everything dude said, im on the floor. was never serious. and i dont think he's been seen since.
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
xmastime: i guess you were too busy last night on "the computer" to discuss last night's American Idol. I'll be waiting for a formal apology.
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
ok, so i am a roseanne addict to. the one where they get stoned is just hilarious. deeejayyy, deeejaaayyy.

now if only nick-at-nite would air the facts of life.
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteranna
1. the last person to have an original thought was al gore, mid-eighties, inventing the internet. that's a documented fact.

2. e-40 just informed me that jesus had dreads. i bet i would have known that already if i had access to the gospel of judas.

3. i go salt first, then sweet. what's your brand of nacho cheese?
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
The sweet has to be Hostess cupcakes, the original chocolate and not this bunny pink or halloween orange crap. It has taken awhile, but I've gotten over my heartbreak after Hostess changed the consistency of the frosting so that I can no longer peel it off and save it for last, I've got to eat all parts together.

The salt in this delicious duo has to be Lay's original potato chip. I am a potato chip conossieur, and different occasions call for different chips, in consistency, flavor, and salt content. This, trust me, is the absolute best sweet/salt combination that exists on earth.

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
kasey - I hope you realize the import of the question you're asking. I generally rock Tostitos medium... Can be found in front of the Tostitos chips in the squat, glass jar. But anything'll do in a pinch.

The Surge and I have invented a special blend we call Spicoli (if you're thinking Fast Times At Ridgemont High you'd be correct.. this is unadulterated stoner munchie sauce)

Half jar Tostitos cheese
Half jar of your favorite salsa
Dollop of sour scream
Few drops of hot sauce

Mix ingredients in bowl with spoon, lick spoon, place bowl in microwave for three minutes or until cheese sauce is boiling.. remove bowl and immediately place as many chips as will fit in the cheese. then place bowl on a plate and place more chips around the bowl on the plate.. this way you've got your choice of the soggy cheesy chips, and the crunchier, non-cheesed chips with which you can control the cheese allotment.. You can also utilize the crunchy chips as a tool for picking up the cheesy chips.. It's a fine art.

Spicoli, it's a good thing.

Martha Motherfucking Stewart
April 13, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Recipes on The Girl Who! I am making that cheese dip very soon! Mama, I do the same thing you do with snakes but mine is about rats. I always wonder how close I am to a rat and in New York City it's highly likely I'm closer than I'd like to think!
April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
the spicoli sounds delicious!

i'm curious, was the decision to go away from melting cheese on the chips to using a cheese sauce something you came by a while ago? have you always used a cheese sauce? most of the nachos i had consumed thus far in life had cheese melted on them. that is, until i turned seventeen and began working at a movie theatre, and was allowed easy access to senor carlos brand cheese sauce. at that point, i went back and forth; sauce at work, melted cheese at home. i have never combined the two.

combined the two! holy shit! i just blew my own mind!
April 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>