Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
« God's Easter Matinee: Sold Out! | Main | Girls Will Be Girls »

Are You There God? It's Me, Monica: Thanks For The Chocolate... Oh! And Jesus Too!

Are you there God? It's Me, Monica. Like, thanks for the chocolates. I especially like the Cadbury egg with the creamy filling and the pastel colored M&M's (like regular M&M's but pretty!) and the hollow chocolate Easter Bunny. SO much better than last year's solid chocolate Easter Bunny. I know you were trying to go all out for your son's big day and all. But a solid chocolate Easter Bunny is like, impossible to eat. First there's the whole matter of how you go about eating it - just chunk off big bites with your teeth? And then there's the preserving part.. All in all, more trouble than it's worth. I mean, it tastes good until, like, July.. and then it starts tasting all old and stuff.. and then it melts sometimes and you find it all gooey in your underwear drawer where you've been stashing it and you see the brown melted mess all over your panties and for a second you wonder if you---well, you know what I mean. The Peeps are okay, what with tradition and all and marshmallows are pretty good. It's that weird coating that kind of freaks me out. All sugary and kind of old tasting--Oh yeah! And thanks for Jesus too. And, you know.. how he, like, died and stuff. And then, how he, like totally got resurrected and things. With Mary. His mom. Wait! This Mary wasn't that Mary! Was it? Were there two Mary's? This is getting confusing. Maybe I should be Catholic (party time!) that whole Mardi Gras thing sounds excellent. Okay, so like, thanks for Jesus and the two Mary's and for him coming back to life and stuff. Sally Ann at school says her Mom says Easter is a load of crap. But they're Jewish and you know what Dad says about the Jews.. Aaaaaanyway, thanks for Jesus and most of all thanks for not putting so many Jelly Beans in my Easter Basket because, like, everyone knows Jelly Beans are the Candy Corn of Easter

Reader Comments (12)

Happy Easter, Monica. Funny post!! Giggling over stashing in the underwear drawer! :-)
April 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTabatha
Completely got the sarcasm. Chocolate? The atonement? And I do know that you are still questioning that. Look how beautiful it is outside today! Your spring picture, blossoms, green everywhere, new beginnings,it's all so wonderful! I just can't NOT believe
April 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
Disclaimer: (I have a new found love for disclaimers) Monica, you may remove this if it doesn’t sit well with you or your readers.

Happy Easter. I will spare everyone my mythology talk for now as not to spoil the holiday cheer. Never mind, here I go with just a little bit. Here is just a sampling of 2 Kings vs. 10, you may read it all if you are so inclined; I will just jump to the action:

6 Then he wrote a letter the second time to them, saying, If ye be mine, and if ye will hearken unto my voice, take ye the heads of the men your master’s sons, and come to me to Jezreel by to morrow this time. Now the king’s sons, being seventy persons, were with the great men of the city, which brought them up.
7 And it came to pass, when the letter came to them, that they took the king’s sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets, and sent him them to Jezreel.
8 ¶ And there came a messenger, and told him, saying, They have brought the aheads• of the king’s sons. And he said, Lay ye them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning.
9 And it came to pass in the morning, that he went out, and stood, and said to all the people, Ye be righteous: behold, I aconspired against my master, and slew him: but who slew all these?
10 Know now that there shall afall• unto the earth nothing of the word of the LORD, which the LORD spake concerning the house of Ahab: for the LORD hath done that which he spake by his servant Elijah.
11 So aJehu• slew all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel, and all his great men, and his kinsfolks, and his priests, until he left him none remaining.
12 ¶ And he arose and departed, and came to Samaria. And as he was at the shearing house in the way,
13 Jehu met with the brethren of Ahaziah king of Judah, and said, Who are ye? And they answered, We are the brethren of Ahaziah; and we go down to salute the children of the king and the children of the queen.
14 And he said, Take them alive. And they took them alive, and slew them at the pit of the shearing house, even two and forty men; neither left he any of them.

It seems to me that this is the same god that sent us Jesus? I suppose god changed his mind and wanted to spread good will instead of death? Love the part where 70 kids are killed and their heads are put in baskets.

What do you think?

One of the founding fathers, Thomas Paine has an opinion on the matter of Jesus, as written in his book “The Age of Reason”. (Must Read)

Nothing that is here said can apply, even with the most distant disrespect, to the real character of Jesus Christ. He was a virtuous and an amiable man. The morality that he preached and practised was of the most benevolent kind; and though similar systems of morality had been preached by Confucius, and by some of the Greek philosophers, many years before; by the Quakers since; and by many good men in all ages, it has not been exceeded by any.
Jesus Christ wrote no account of himself, of his birth, parentage, or any thing else; not a line of what is called the New Testament is of his own writing. The history of him is altogether the work of other people; and as to the account given of his resurrection and ascension, it was the necessary counterpart to the story of his birth. His historians having brought him into the world in a supernatural manner, were obliged to take him out again in the same manner, or the first part of the story must have fallen to the ground.
The wretched contrivance with which this latter part is told exceeds every thing that went before it. The first part, that of the miraculous conception, was not a thing that admitted of publicity; and therefore the tellers of this part of the story had this advantage, that though they might not be credited, they could not be detected. They could not be expected to prove it, because it was not one of those things that admitted of proof, and it was impossible that the person of whom it was told could prove it himself.
But the resurrection of a dead person from the grave, and his ascension through the air, is a thing very different as to the evidence it admits of, to the invisible conception of a child in the womb. The resurrection and ascension, supposing them to have taken place, admitted of public and ocular demonstration, like that of the ascension of a balloon, or the sun at noon-day, to all Jerusalem at least. A thing which everybody is required to believe, requires that the proof and evidence of it should be equal to all, and universal; and as the public visibility of this last related act was the only evidence that could give sanction to the former part, the whole of it falls to the ground, because that evidence never was given. Instead of this, a small number of persons, not more than eight or nine, are introduced as proxies for the whole world, to say they saw it, and all the rest of the world are called upon to believe it. But it appears that Thomas did not believe the resurrection, and, as they say, would not believe without having ocular and manual demonstration himself. So neither will I, and the reason is equally as good for me, and for every other person, as for Thomas.
April 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCunning Linguist
blah,blah,blah, you are a major downer, today of all days. Go eat one of your kids chocolate eggs.
April 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentereaster bunny
yea, you are a major downer, get your kids some candy. I got my boys all kinds of candy and yesterday we had an easter egg hunt, ahhhhh holidiays. Let us all enjoy our time with our families. Sheesh.
April 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
I actually live for the candy corn. I'm all about the candy underdogs. Canderdog?

Great post... I finally understand Easter.
April 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlex
I don't have any kids, I have minions.
April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCunning Linguist
I really love those Peeps. Did anyone else put them in the microwave and watch the Peep expand and contract? Nope, just us? Well, we have the video for you to watch if you like. Must be all the wine we Catholics drink.
April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
your sarcasm is absolutely hilarious. the sad thing, that's how most "christians" view easter.
As for the linguist, there's no evidence that the resurrection didn't happen. Other historians (not just the Gospel authors) recounted Jesus' crucifixtion. He did indeed die on the cross, so umm, where's his body? Anyone, anyone....? Yeah that's what I thought.
April 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
You can't convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it's based on a deep seated need to believe.

"Carl Sagan"
April 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCunning Linguist
the reese's eggs are my favorite.way better than the normal cups.
April 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKT
and what did your dad say about jews...........?
May 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDeborah

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>