Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Analyzing Analyzing

I'm an analyzer... always have been.

Why do I do that? How come I act this way? What was his motive for saying that? Was it something he really feels or were they empty words dipped in poison, designed to hurt but with no real merit. What was my real motive for saying that? I'm shallow. I secretly enjoyed her setback. It made me feel better about myself. I'm hideous. Why am I so hard on myself? Do I have intimacy issues? Why am I afraid to show affection to those closest to me? Probably stems from childhood but man, that's such a fucking cliche.. Don't wanna go to a therapist and bitch about my fucked up childhood. Fucked up is the new norm. Who am I to complain? Why do I complain so much? Do I complain more than most people? I think I complain about my day to The Surge as a way of communicating. That's sad. Why can't I leave a shitty day behind and rejoice in life with my husband instead of making him aware of every annoying thing that happened during the course of my work day? Why can't I be more private with my negativity? How can I have intimacy issues yet talk about myself all the time? Maybe I talk about myself to avoid really talking about myself. Why do I have to analyze so much? If I'm viewing the world from behind laundry loads of analyzation stuck on spin cycle in my head then I'll never see life accurately. And I wonder why social anxiety kicks in sometimes. It's all the fucking analyzing. Was what I said there stupid? Do they think I'm stupid? Oh god small talk. Awkward moment. They must think I'm an idiot. Why is it so hard sometimes? Why can't I just be?

Reader Comments (15)

monica, 'the lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.'

ive got a joke for you that might take you away from your spin cycle: what do you call a frisbee that doesn't come back?

....a stick.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterleggo
this came to me:

Written by: Lenny Kravitz

Lord what's the matter
Am I lost
This life's a disaster, what is the cause
Am I a junkie, what is my fate
Or am I a flunkie who doesn't relate
Or am I a child so full of hate

Am I a doctor or even a priest
Or am I a rapist who needs a release
A psychotic prancer
Times Square dancer
The mind can see as long as you'll be
For real with yourself
And you'll forever be

Lord what's the matter am I insane
This life's an illusion that's all it remains
Are you listening, are you boss
Am I gonna make it up on that cross
Believe in Your name and
You'll forever be
"Fucked up is the new norm."

Unfortunately, yes.

The best way to slow that spin cycle, I've learned, is anti-depressants; specifically 30mg's of whatever you got. Mine's Paxil. Stress relief. It enables me to formulate thoughts coherently (most times) without the spin cycle. It also help with the "nightclub jitters."

Anti-depressants are the new norm.

"How can I have intimacy issues and talk about myself all the time?"

It's gotta' come out somewhere...or...(fucked-up is the new norm)

I enjoyed seeing a counselor. She was kind of my own little conversation-prostitute. I paid her my $20 and riffed for an hour about the very same things you mention, Monica. It ALWAYS helped, and if you find the right one, it need not be about dredging up "why dad flew the coup" or why mom's undiagnosed depression issues caused all the kids to have intimacy issues.

The problem that artists' have, is that they fear dulling the edges. It's the edge that separates the wheat from the chaff in the creative game. I've known bi-polar musician's (more than a few) who ditch the med's and suffer the consequences for the art.

It seems unfair.

Guys like my ex boss, De Sade, don't have to worry about spin cycle's and happy pills. They just roll on, obliviously. The people they leave in their wake are the one's who are always a $.25 away from another spin cycle.

Also unfair.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe
It's for sure unfair. I feel ya, Monica. I do. It sucks. It wreaks. I've been there and I am still there.

Complain on.....I'll listen that's for sure.
May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
I think that being analytical is just human nature and at least your daily analysis of yourself, your relationship and the world around you is well written and thoughtful.
May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
I hear you. Many people seem to glide through life without all the analyzation. I often wonder if they've just mastered ignoring the debilitating self narrative or if they never think those thoughts in the first place.
May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Moinca you asked: 'Who am I to complain?'

Well, you are you, living your life, having your experiences and you have just as much of a right as anyone to talk about them, good or bad. I think it is a tricky thought, that whole 'there are people worse off than me' thought. Sometimes it can be helpful and be a good reminder of the good things in our life. Other times it can just be a way of invalidating our very real feelings of things not being so great.

I have also felt the whole 'I'm such a cliche, I have problems in relationships as I never had a good relationship with my dad'. The thing is, cliche or not, these things are REAL and are totally valid and worth acknowledging.

I won't tell you to either go or not go to a therapist. I really believe you have to be at the right place to do good work in therapy. But as someone who has had both bad and good experiences in therapy and who is currently training to be a counsellor, when you find the right therapist at the right time it can be incredibly helpful.

May 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
amy dee... I really liked your comment and it pretty much mirrors my thought process during times like this..
May 23, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
glad it made sense to mirrors my own thought process at times as well, what you said in this post really resonates with me.

I find it a difficult mix at times, almost contradictory. Part of me says that I am too self-obsessed, analyse too much, think about my life too much. But then the other part is not self-obsessed enough to allow me to talk about how I am feeling without feeling self-indulgent. So what I get left with is all the feelings but no good outlet. I am trying to learn to let my feelings be valid without over-analysing. Bloody hard.

Don't know if it is like this for you. But what you write makes sense to me.
May 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
Don't you just l-u-v the nonstop chatter of over-analyzing stuff in your head? Not.
I read an interesting quote from a French writer (whose name escapes me): A sense of humor is given to human beings from God as cosololation for being intelligent---> which I read as not being able to push the >off< button of my brain!
Slow down, try to take your time and be mindful; it has seemed to help me a bit.
May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
ooops, it should be: consolation
May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
What if the world doesn't actually work in any of the ways you are hypothesising that it does, when you analyse? Maybe this is a futile attempt to trace cause and effect, which won't lead to you having any greater quotient of power at the end of it. Or maybe not.
May 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer Cascadia
you aren't alone.....

Harry Nilsson: Think About Your Troubles

Sit beside the breakfast table
Think about your troubles
Pour yourself a cup of tea
And think about the bubbles

You can take your teardrops
And drop them in a teacup
Take them down to the riverside
And throw them over the side
To be swept up by a current
And taken to the ocean
To be eaten by some fishes
Who were eaten by some fishes
And swallowed by a whale
Who grew so old
He decomposed

He died and left his body
To the bottom of the ocean
Now evverybody knows
That when a body decomposes
The basic elements
Are given back to the ocean

And the sea does what it oughta
And soon there's salty water
(That's not too good for drinking)
'Cause it tastes just like a teardrop
(So they run it through a filter)
And it comes out from a faucet
(And is poured into a teapot)
Which is just about to bubble
Now think about your troubles
May 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Intimacy is more than talking about yourself. It requires listening too.
May 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKate
Inner-dialogues can be really scary and quite defeating. I am trying to talk to myself (in my head--not like a raving lunatic on the subway) like how I try to talk to other people. There is no reason why I need to abuse myself when I am polite, kind, loving and generous to those around me. I cut them breaks all the time, why shouldn't I do the same for myself?
May 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLynn

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