Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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In Which Sally Hansen Saves The Day

It was time. The lone goat hair grazing on my chin had multiplied, seemingly overnight, just like a gremlin. One moment it was a seemingly innocuous hair.. and suddenly there were three thick, angry black hairs.

At first I plucked, so horrified by the tiny soldiers blazing a trail of hatred across my chin that I executed them immediately. But their brothers returned to avenge their deaths the very next day.

So I yanked them from their cozy home in my embarrassed chin as well. Take that, bitches! And then I brushed my teeth. While rinsing I noted in horror that they had already returned! I could make out their little black seedlings, sprouting like weeds, working toward sunlight and fresh air.
"Huh?" The Surge peeped around the bathroom door.
"You best step back, sir." I ordered authoritatively. "Mama's got work to do. Now where is my surgical safety pin and the alcohol? I'm goin' in."

The Surge, well acquainted with my Do It Yourself Kamikaze Surgical Stylings didn't need to be asked twice. Before I found my surgical safety pin the door was slammed shut. Subsequent footsteps skittering across the kitchen floor informed he had beat a hasty retreat to the relative safety of our bedroom. Shortly thereafter, the muffled plinging and plonging of blue grass music confirmed my suspicion. He was in hiding, trying to ride out the surgical storm at the other end of our apartment.

Ten minutes later my "seedlings" along with most of my chin were gone.
"That'll teach 'em." I growled Clint Eastwood style while blowing on the business end of my safety pin and tucking it safely back in it's holster.

But the hair came back the very next day. By week's end, like a reporter in Iraq, it was embedded in my chin... if I looked close the hair appeared to be flipping me a double bird. Cheeky fucker!
"I suppose I'm going to have to start waxing my chin now." I huffed resignedly to The Surge over dinner that night. "I'm starting to look like a pubescent boy."
"Yup." The Surge agreed, one eye cocked to the Discovery Channel's "Attack of the Great White", other eye on the stir fry he was shoveling in his own maw as fast as the shark on TV crunched through an unlucky surfer's arm.
"But I don't wanna wax!" I whinnied like Mr. Ed. "It's expensive!"

I left The Surge to his (and the shark's) feeding frenzy and wandered Bedford Avenue... That's when I saw it. Like a neon Diner sign at the tail end of a drunken night out, it beckoned me inside.


Surely I'll find something inside to aid me in my battle against the wily goat hairs. The chemical equivalent of the Atom Bomb, perhaps?

The harsh fluorescents cast a pallid spotlight on my offending chin hairs. I know because I stopped to inspect my goat hairs in the mirrors for sale on aisle 2.

On aisle 4 I located my ammunition. Rows upon rows of bleaches, lotions, depilatories, wax kits.. Boxes emblazoned with soothing sentences like BE BARE AND BEAUTIFUL! FAST LASTING RESULTS! WORKS IN MINUTES! GREAT VANILLA SMELL! You mean I can obliterate my goat hairs AND smell like cake? Sign me up!

45 minutes later I was still reading boxes. Although I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder caused by THE NAIR INCIDENT OF '96, I was fascinated by a particular product called SALLY HANSEN'S CREME HAIR REMOVER. (Incidentally, what is this 'creme' all about? What's the difference between cream and creme?) I had reached an impasse, debating the merits of wax over cream. Wax=painful.. but the worst that can happen is glopping the sticky mess on while it's too hot. Creme.. well, it's creamy (cremey?) and painless, right? RIGHT? Unless, like the NAIR, it eats my face off and leaves white bone behind, gleaming through angry purple marks.

But it smells like vanilla! And it was made by someone called Sally Hansen! It can't be that bad. I pictured Sally in my mind's eye... a bleached blonde with blue eyeshadow, rocking out to Fleetwood Mac in her pink Mary Kaye cadillac, a flume of Jean Nate noisily perfuming the air in her wake. Beneath Sally's artfully applied make-up were NO GOAT HAIRS! This Sally has to know what she's doing.

I emerged from the pharmacy clutching my bag containing SALLY HANSEN'S CREME HAIR REMOVER. I scuttled home high on emotions not unlike the time I bought my first vibrator; ashamed at the purchase in my brown paper bag but excited at the prospects.

At home, locked in the bathroom, just me and Sally Hansen, I uncapped the tube of "creme" and prepared for war.
"Incoming, motherfuckers!" I hissed to my rogue goat hairs.

Know what? Sally know's what she's doing. Not only did she get rid of my goat hairs, but she did away with the moustache I've been doing my best to ignore. Sure it's as thick as Tom Selleck's, but it's blonde, I reasoned with myself.

I made my triumphantly glorious exit from the bathroom sporting a chin as smooth as a penis... and thanks to our gal Sally, smelling like a freshly baked cake!

Reader Comments (28) we know The Surge has a smooth penis. terrific. christ!
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
If it wasn't smooth there would be much bigger problems for Monica than a couple of vicious hairs on her chin...
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
I'm partial to Bliss' poetic waxing kit. Just for future reference.
But now I might have to try out that Sally Hansen. And no, I am not ashamed to admit that I sometimes sprout one or two hairs and then I attack those fuckers with avengence.
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
I just can't relate. I was born smooth!
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Just pray you don't get an ingrown hair on your face. Talk about wanting to perform facial surgery. I've got one I've been contemplating taking a needle to for three weeks.
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg
Random man-hairs are the bane of my existence. I spot them and pretty much obsess until they're gone. If I let it go for even a week, I think I'd look like a gorilla.
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersandra
I used to like you Sicksadworld, but now I know you're not one of us hairy ones, I'm not so sure. I have hairs sprouting everywhere - you name it - toes, chin, and worst of all, out of my moles. Gross! It's like they know I'll get them if they're out on their own, so they surround themselves with defences so I won't attack them with too much gusto. I mean, you're not supposed to hack at moles, are you? And while we're on the subject of hairy moles (just me then?) I found one on my neck by my ear (not quite my face thankfully) and I asked the doctor if there was anything I could do about it (eg hack the bugger off) and he said, ah that's nothing to worry about, it's just a mole with a wart on top. HUH?! Nothing to worry about?! What he failed to mention that it's a HAIRY mole with a wart on top - horror of all horrors.
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAli
Sadly, the truth is I'm getting waxed tonight at 9:30pm.


Will be charged 100% if I cancel.

And my friend "period" came to visit this morning.

What do I do?
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
ah just go. She (he?) has seen worse. Just make sure they don't get thee ole' string in the mix. Whoosh! kerplop. Definately not a perty site. Hope she (he?) has goggles.
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
HAHAHAHA. sick. HAHAHA! *mental image saved* STILL lauffing! hahahahaha!
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Speaking from experience honey, thats all. In the famous words of the greatest actor of all time, jack nicholson. Words..of..wisdom (with a little nod of the head) Words..of..wisdom. And there ya go.
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
Oh I remember being a pre-teen, and having to go to the orthodontist at least once a month, yea I had braces! Well this one time his hotty son was working on my braces, HOT and i mean HOT! Well I got to the car after the visit and looked in the mirror, only to discover a HUGE black hair growing out of chin! How embarassing! From them on I kept any hair, be it chin hair or my eyebrows, plucked ALL THE TIME!
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Mama are we to understand you got a tampon pulled during a wax job? Oh my god. I can think of nothing worse short of the time I went to have sex (drunkenly) and realized a second too late that I still had a tampon in.
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I keep thinking "high on the hill was a lonely goat hair, ladyohladyohlayhoo!"
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I'm loving the conversation here lately.

I wonder how Nair stays in business given that fact that their products provide nothing more than a 3rd degree chemical burn? I have a light SCAR on my bikini line from Nair. Then again, I've also taken off skin there trying to do an at-home wax. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone?

Aimee - I've now got arguably the worst song to be stuck in one's head stuck in my head. Damn the lonely goat hairs!
June 29, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
Wow...15 comments and not one about the snaggly hairs that occasionally sprout from the nipply areas?
June 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
I hate to remind her - but I do believe Monica covered the snaggly nipple hairs in one of her stories. It's my favorite one:
June 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
For me, nipple hairs are those things you never want anyone to know! Why do we only notice them when they are like an INCH long! LOL I pluck mine :)
June 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Been on vacation and I come back to this post and these comments. *sigh* this blog is the greatest
June 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
I hate to tell you this since she's your new best friend and all but Sally Hansen isn't a real person. Alas just a made up brand like Mrs. Fields, and Betty Crocker (I honestly have no idea about those two).
June 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUnemployed Girl
well, actually Mrs. fields IS a real person. A young housewife who made great cookies, Debbie Fields, I do believe, began Mrs. Fields cookies.... ( I am sooo smart!) Know my trivia.
June 30, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermama
Man. I thought I had enough to worry about with waxing my legs beneath the knee, shaving under my arms and plucking my bikini line. Yes I said plucking. Better than eating chocolate all evening while watching tv.
June 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
I want to wax stripes into my beard. That could be fun.
June 30, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlex
I love Sally Hansen! She and I have had a long relationship full of love and good times. She keeps me from looking too similar to my father with his consistent five o'clock shadow, furry arms and such. I have the "brazillian formula" so mine smells more like tropical fruits than vanilla, but I love her dearly. We have a bi-weekly standing date in my bathroom - my husband knows to stay far away during that time.

And Monica you writing is hysterical and the comments are wonderful too - I get just as much entertainment from your readers!
July 1, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDilly
Fuck Sally. I tried using her wax. It was disgusting, and stung. My leg still has a small red patch on it because my skin was torn off. I had to hair myself out first, of course, so I spent a whole month feeling like an ugly sandpaper girl FOR NOTHING. It didn't help that I did it outside on a windy, hot day. So strings of wax were fluttering around attatching themselves to everything. I had to use olive oil to remove the extra gunk because the amount that came in the box wasn't nearly enough for my mess. It also didn't have the wooden applicators like it was supposed to but I was too lazy to go back to the store so I used a wooden spatula that this really fat guy my mother had an affair with gave me for Christmas when he found out that I like to cook. Which felt weird. And I got sunburnt on my nose.
All of that and apparently her "creme" is just like magic. Why does she have to sell crap wax then? I feel like an idiot now.
July 6, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdesiree
It feels so good to know that I'm not the only woman who gets unsightly chin hair. I pluck mine until they start to grow into a forest. Then it's wax time. Electrolysis is looking better and better each day.
July 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
Oh, those hairs. I can't wait until lasers are perfected enough to REALLY work and not just cost a fortune.

Monica, you're always good for a funny read.
July 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDeanna
I am totally over getting my lip waxed at the spa. It's expensive and I always break out afterwards. The last time I got 5 zits right on my lip line which then turned into the biggest cold sore in history. I still have the scar.

I also have the three angry black hairs on my chin. I pluck those bitches EVERY day.
July 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMarsi

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