Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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The Signal

"I want you to cum."
The instant I pant this last sentence his features transform from near ecstasy to abject disappointment. He knows that like a baseball coach signaling a player to stay at second base, the hit isn't a homerun. He knows the sentence "I want you to cum" means I am not going to orgasm and he should quit worrying about timing, about whether or not it's going to happen and just go ahead and do his thing.
"It's still good, it's still fun. I love it!" I tell him. But it's not the same to him. He is not completely happy. For him, without that homer, it ain't a good ball game.

It's this way with most men. They think they aren't doing it correctly, aren't touching the right spots, pushing the proper buttons. Men from my past would sometimes refuse to accept the fact that I just know when it isn't going to happen. When given The Signal they speed up their repertoire and like a player charging the umpire who called them out - begin to assault me. Only instead of slapping, punching and kicking, they're rubbing, licking and touching so vigorously I can see sparks flying from my goodtimes. As if speed has something to do with pleasure.

Getting The Signal doesn't mean I'm calling you out. Doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself. Sometimes a girl just knows it ain't gonna happen. Generally, it's nobody's fault (I said generally I have been with some poor souls who just don't know vagina from asshole) Generally though, it's physiological.

Why is it that men think a girl has to cum to have a good time? Oh, I see. It's not about my good time, is it? It's because you think my lack of orgasm is a direct reflection of your sexual prowess? Would you prefer I fake an orgasm instead? When a fella is pounding away.. trying to focus on (ironically) baseball to keep from finishing early and a lady realizes it's just not going to happen for her, she might as well tell you to go for it.

Men, they can orgasm at the drop of a hat.. The most popular question on is how do I solve my premature ejaculation?. "Women, on the other hand, were a different story. A third said they regularly didn't want sex, 26 percent said they regularly didn't reach orgasm and 23 percent said sex was not pleasurable."

God's cruel joke? According to the average male takes less than 3 minutes from the time of insertion till he ejaculates. It can sometimes take me a half hour to 'slide into home'. The moral of the story? Don't charge the ump when she gives you The Signal. It's not failure on your part, it's just another mystery of the female body. And regardless of hitting that homer, it's still a hell of a game.

Reader Comments (33)

Assuming both parties care deeply (or at least, somewhat deeply) about each other, it is my opinion, as a male, that the non-cum is disappointing because you want your partner to have that experience.

Usually that makes for the most satisfying sex.

I've rarely shlepped off into the night feeling less of a man when cumming didn't happen. Many times it can be a function of whatever personal travails are inhabiting the brain at the time: or too much booze.

As far as the insta-cum goes; not moi. Takes me forever. See reasons above. Lotsa leg cramps and sweaty brow's in my past.

Anyway, my two cents. If you want to talk about the sex-witholding game, or the relative merits of Type- A folk's having sex with their beaten-down, Type-B spouses; we can do that later.

Nicely written even if I disagree slightly.

July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe knows cumming
I think what Monica means is that despite the love felt for your partner - sometimes a girl just knows she isn't going to orgasm and guys shouldn't take it personally. It isn't emotional, it's physiological and it shouldn't be disappointing because it can't really be helped.
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Sex ed for adults. Brilliant!
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRaj
i should print this off and show it to the boyfriend ;) awesome post!
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCharlotte
Interesting. I get it. Sometimes as a woman you just want to service the man you love without the need, or capacity to blow your respective female load. But let me tell you all something; it’s ok to fake it. It’s not about pride for me personally; it’s about rising above the mundane. How much shit do we do in our lives that is so sicken-ly humdrum?

Wake your ass out of bed, hit the shower, quick little breakfast, kiss loved one goodbye, maybe a cup of mud, drive to work (might take the train), do whatever work it is that you do, some lunch, more same work, drive your tired ass home, say hello to loved one, watch some television, eat some dinner, more television, put on jammies, convince loved one to copulate, proceed to copulate then hear words “are you done yet”?, or “just go, please for the love of god just blow your fucking wad so I can watch some shit t.v.”.

How fun is that existence?

Now insert this after the dinner part of the day:

Woman or gay lover: “You know, I have been craving some serious cock all day and can’t wait for you to teach mama (or daddy) a lesson”. Or “After I get done eating this chicken noodle soup, I am going to help myself to all the dessert in your pants, big boy”.

I could go on with more but you get the idea.

And yes, I understand sometimes you are just tired, fine.
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCL
I am so printing this out and showing it to my boyfriend. I think that is it sweet he is so concerned about me, but that just puts more pressure on an orgasm and makes it that much harder to achieve.
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTA
"Woman or gay lover: “You know, I have been craving some serious cock all day and can’t wait for you to teach mama (or daddy) a lesson”. Or “After I get done eating this chicken noodle soup, I am going to help myself to all the dessert in your pants, big boy”."

"All the dessert in your pants, big boy?"

(sound of a lonely, divorced man blowing his load all over the office floor!)

Boy it's hot in this office today!
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe knows cumming
Monica, you are right on the money. A girl does know when it just isn't going to happen, regardless of the tricks a man has up his sleeve. But CL you had me laughing my ass off and I definitely see your point so I guess the question now is; to fake or not to fake. It feels wrong but is that what the man wants? Needs?
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
I'm glad you're back :)
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterwendy
1. This post is on point.
2. The picture of those pillows is hands down the funniest thing I've seen all day. Is that satin? Where does one find a pink satin "not tonight" pillow?
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterleggo
One would find such a luxurious item whilst strolling near 14th Street and third avenue in Manhattan when one's husband points it out in the window display of the Dollar Store and says "we could use these, huh?"
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChristar
I guess it's all in the way it's spoken. Remember we're delicate creatures. Sex for us - despite the stereotypes - is mostly psychological and say it the wrong way and we will take personally. Say it the right way and you can even insult our mommies.
July 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbob
Ugh. There's nothing worse that a guy saying, "I want you to cum," when you no it ain't gonna happen. so much pressure! No wonder so many women just fake it to let everyone off the hook.

Men! You've gotta stop pressuring us so much to cum to make you happy.
July 15, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitywendy
This was a riot! So true. Whether or not I cum, it's still nice. Guys put too much emphasis on the female orgasm. Although, I used to date a guy who could care less whether I did or not. I would prefer a guy who was too worried over a guy who didn't care.
July 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMIchelle
Here's the thing: I'm thinking that lots of women, after giving the Signal that it's not going to happen but then their guy keeps on at it, just go ahead and fake it. This then super-duper reinforces the guy who's now thinking, "I made it happen even though she didn't think it would! I'm THE MAN!!!" And from then on, every time a woman tells him "It's just not going to happen tonight" he thinks, "Well let me just show you how I do it... I can MAKE it happen, baby!"

Ladies: if you are a faker, please for the love of god, never fake it after giving the Signal. It only encourages them.

July 15, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b
You should consider other positions...possibly anal.
July 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSteve
Why is this useful other than wasting good oxygen. No prude here babe but digging into your pants is really pretty boring and no contest. There are real lives out their far more interesting than this desire for 15 minutes of fame. Guess what. You miss as you seem to do in copulation. Tough indeed.
July 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFor Ever The Ride
Yawn. Don't feed the animals ya'll.
July 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTammy
I'm not sure that faking it is *ever* a good idea. It can be poisonous to wonder which version is which.
July 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCraig
Great post! This is how it is for me 90% of the time. When I know it's going to happen, it's great. When I know it's not going to happen, I call the play, he slides into home, and I go take a shower and do the job myself.
July 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermanic mommy
This post speaks the truth. I've always found that negotiating a man's ego in the bedroom takes more care and delicacy than carrying an egg on a spoon. Unfortunately, I have about as much delicacy as a bull in a china shop when it comes to those matters. I have, however, tried to accomodate my boyfriend's request that I stop trying to end dragging sexual sessions with swift claps and the words, "Chop, chop."
July 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLucia's Dream
Ha! Lucia - I can see how "chop, chop" may put a damper on things in the bedroom! Very kind of you to attempt to stop that :) Great post Monica!
July 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSloopy
Oh, I love the chop, chop! Tee hee hee. I'm kinda like a guy about it, I don't see the point of sex without orgasm. Or, rather, intercourse without orgasm. My girlfriends claim to enjoy it without, but I frankly don't believe them. I happen to also be guy-like about my response time, so I rarely experience intercourse without orgasm...and now we are in major TMI teritory. So if any fellow woman wants to explain why you enjoy sex without an orgasm, please feel free. I just don't get it, and I feel all you guys out there who don't get it either. And now all the women hate me!
July 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
AMEN sister friend...what the hell kind of sick joke is this? Why would I enjoy sex without an orgasm? Just because I can't spew liquid to indicate 'doness' doesn't mean I shouldn't always cum too! Could you imagine if all the women in the world banned together and just got up and left the room once we were done...leaving our men there with giant (or not so giant - as I am an equal opportunist) tent poles? What the hell would happen then?

Utter chaos!
July 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
My husband Rob - aka 'the lurker' - has just read my past comment and is FREAKING out! He wants everyone on the board to know that my comment about 'not so giant penises' doesn't pertain to him...just so we are clear...that is NOT him....definitely not him...

Is that good enough honey?
July 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
I think if going without an orgasm were a regular occurance, that would be annoying. But if you know it isn't going to happen, you can still have a good time - granted it isn't as nice as when you have the ograsm but it can still feel as good as, say, a foot rub.
July 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
P.S. Manic Mommy, many sex sessions have ended in my boyfriend finishing and me finishing in the shower too! It's a good cover: "I've got to wash all your cum off me."

Hmmm. That was probably too much info. Oh well.
July 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Perfect Monica!
July 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
I think all girls should fake all the time. What I don't know can't hurt me.
July 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib

I'm glad I'm back too.
July 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCL
This is one case where you shouldn't fake it until you make it.
July 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
I think that its kind of sweet that some men want to have their partner experience the pleasure of having an orgasm during sex. However, I think that there alot of misconceptions out there which promote an orgasm is the only way to feel sexual pleasure.

I believe that open communication between two people during sex and developing the skill to be more sensitive to the sexual needs of your partner is more important than having an orgasm during sex.

An experience of having an orgasm is a pleasurable product of such a relationship but it isn't the only one.

Men need to start realizing that no woman is the same & that we all have different ways of experiencing sexual pleasure. If a woman isn't feeling it, then men you're going to accept it & try again some other time.

Remember, women need to feel relaxed & comfortable to experience an orgasm (basic physiology) and pressuring a woman to have an orgasm is just making her feel all tense & can possibly ruin the experience for both of you.

Overall, I agree that sex shouldn't be measured by the number of orgasmic experiences.Instead the focus should be on openly talking about sex with your partner and developing a sexual relationship that is pleasurable for both of you.
July 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

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