Monica Bielanko
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Stars: They're Just Like Us!

So Christie Brinkley's fourth, or is it fifth marriage is revealed to the world as a flop. As big a flop as fellow supermodel Cindy Crawford's one and only attempt at movie stardom (Billy Baldwin WHAT were you thinking?) Our gal Cindy has one failed marriage under her belt. She's certainly a couple laps behind Christie who is halfway to the Elizabeth Taylor finish line, if Liz the serial wife is, in fact, finished at eight. Regardless, I must say, news of the collapse of Christie's marriage definitely buoyed my sinking spirits.

Is it that old adage in which snuffing out someone else's candle makes my own seem brighter? The same theory that watching Jerry Springer makes me feel so much better about my own extended sojourn through dysfunctionville? Dunno. All I do know is word of another failed celebrity marriage sends me into raptures. When Renee and Kenny didn't make it I thrilled to my very bones and counted how many months more than Renee The Surge and I had lasted. YESSS! Much fist pumping ensued. When Tom and Nicole called it quits I was giddy. Even when the golden couple Brad and Jen ended their nuptials I smiled through my tears.

Why do the marital failures of celebrities thrill me so? I s'pose I'm the kind of person who revels in the mistakes of others, if only to scrape a bit of success off the fickle shoes of fate. I may throw my wedding ring at The Surge every other week, but I'm still married. Maybe it's because I figure the celebs already seem to have cornered the market on looks, fame, wealth.. Dammit God, give them some sort of bullshit to wade through! Perhaps it irks me that celebs make truckloads of money on an overrated "craft", grace the covers of magazines in impossible to live up to photos that inspire eating disorders the world over AND give condescending interviews that generally make the rest of us feel like scabs.
LARA SPENCER: So I hear you don't have a nanny?
SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Nope, I'm raising little James Wilkie McGuyver Chandler Donavan on my own. Well, Matthew and I have a nanny for when I'm on movie sets, but for day-to-day living it's just me.
LARA SPENCER: That is so amazing. You are so amazing!
SARAH JESSICA PARKER: I am, aren't I? I also load my own dishwasher.
LARA SPENCER: Oh! My! God! You are SO down to earth!
So am I going to enjoy it for all I'm worth when a bit of shit hits the proverbial fan in Ms. Brinkley's ritzy Southampton hood? Hells yes!

It's a bit like the celeb mag spreads showing us those horrific 'Stars: They're Just Like Us!!' photos that I enjoy altogether too much. You know. The ones that depict that thin-lipped, all teeth Keira Knightley pushing a shopping cart all by herself! or that tart Paris Hilton.. wait for it - pumping her own gas! Pumping her own gas? She is so down to earth! I would, like, totally hang out with her! She is SO just like me.

When I saw pics of Brit hoofing it barefoot out of a public bathroom, zits dotting her greasy mug, belly straining through the front of her stained wifebeater I was ridiculously pleased. It's why the 'Stars Have Cellulite Too!' or 'Caught Without Make-up' issues gratify me no end. If they don't have to worry about paying the bills, get to travel first class, receive free couture clothing and travel the world, dammit let some tragedy befall them.. Zits, cellulite, cheating husbands.. SOMETHING! You might have flawless skin Miss Kidman along with your trillions of dollars but I'll be damned if Tom Cruis-azy, gay or not, didn't dump you right on your narrow, blindingly white behind! LOVE IT! You may have a perfect, yoga sculpted body Jen Aniston but your husband left you for a luscious lipped hottie! Welcome to normalville. Happens to the rest of us all the time!

Screw showing Paris pumping gas or Nicole Richie pretending to eat In & Out burgers, I wanna see a Stars: They're Just Like Us! featuring Christie Brinkley crying or Carmen Electra chowing down ice cream as she fills the void left by Dave Navarro.. then, MAYBE I'd think the stars were just like me.

Reader Comments (19)

My friend and I were just talking about the "Stars: They're Just Like Us" photo spreads. Yeah, they load up the groceries themselves...into their Bentleys. I saw one a few weeks ago: "they use bendy straws". I mean, how much more down to earth can you get?
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPurr Meow
Bendy straws! They ARE just like me. I feel so much better.
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
I don't have the patience to look it up right now, but I think Brinkley is leaving him because he slept with a minor or something. Or am I just making stuff up now?

I ADORE it when they have bad skin or look bad, celebrities I mean. And since you brought up SJP, I would be thrilled if that marriage were a sham or broke up.
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCinco Lover
Hilarious! Who doesn't love it when celebrities look like shit? Apparently Brinkley's husband has been having an affair with an 18 year old. He hired her as his assistant, told her he loved her, gave her lots of money. The girl now has an attorney and claims Brinkley's husband took advantage of her, that she was just naive. She's considering a civil lawsuit. Please. She was an adult, she knew exactly what she was doing.
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Pick the biggest gay - not that there is anything wrong with that - sham marriage:

Kenny Chesney / Renee Zellwegger

Matthew Broderick / SJP

David Gest / Liza Minelli

Any Nascar Driver (Have you ever seen Michael Waltrip swish? Goodness.)/ Golddigging Star Search Spokesmodel

Karl Rove / A carton of Eggs and 5 pounds of Velveeta
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg
Every week I rush to my local newsstand in the hopes that I will see - STARS, JUST LIKE US:

"Jessica Alba drinks 20 oz of vodka, eats nothing for hours then scarfs down 15 lbs of wasabi peas, and then smokes a pack of cigarettes - causing her to vomit a radio active green substance like she swallowed the green lantern and puked him back up"

Then and only then will I believe that STARS ARE JUST LIKE ME! Classy eh?

That's me...Classy! Wait...maybe I'm JUST LIKE Linday Lohan?
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
I must admit, my mother and I constantly talk of celebrity gossip. We act like we actually know them, example:

MOM: did you hear so-and-so broke up?
ME: OMG NO! She didn't even call me! I just talked to her the other day!
MOM: yeah, she called me right after, I was there for her. So sad.. so sad.

I have no life, we know this though. *shrug*
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTangentism
My Mom and I are exactly the same way. We discuss celebrities and personalities from reality shows as if we know them personally.
"She is so annoying"
"Did you hear what she said..."
"I KNOW..."

We can go on for hours.
July 19, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
When I see a celeb figuring out which bill to push to the next paycheck, eating cereal for dinner while watching "Bridezillas" or riding a skanky train to work with folks who stink like a$$ -- THEN I'll know they're just like me.
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChi
I delight in the unhappiness of celebrities because I'm not a nice person. It's like watching the head cheerleader get dumped. You shouldn't stay there, but you can't walk away.

Is Christie Brinkley a star anymore? Does she do anything else then marry and divorce nowadays?
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
just had to say, I love your blog. :)
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
did dave navarro and carmen electra break up?
July 19, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
When I see stars looking at their bank accounts and wondering how on earth they will be able to pay for groceries and gas in the same week...then..THEN, I will think that Stars are just like me.

And yes, amy dee, Carmen and Navarro did break up.
July 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Carmen and Dave broke up? Didn't they have a show on MTV called "Til Death Do Us Part". I guess until death or for three years.
July 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
When men cheat on genetically-privileged women like Christie Brinkley and Halle Berry, what chance do the rest of us have?
July 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
Maybe it has something to do with entitlement. "If I can get Christie Brinkley I should be able to screw anyone I want". That theory gives me hope, anyway. Besides, I have a feeling the better looking women are probably bitchy and high maintenance.
July 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTammy
Not to fault the victim, but I have feeling that women are multiple divorcees tend to be drawn to men who are cads and philanderers. Likewise those same men are sruelly perceptive and manipulative enough that they pick out the kind of women who will abide their philandering for longer than most women, but not so long that they will actually be stuck with them for the rest of their lives. So when Christy gets married for the fifth time, it will not be to a mortgage broker in Springfield, IL who just wants a quiet life with his spouse and his dog. It'll be a shiny hedge fund investor who once had an affair with his ex-wife's step-daughter.
July 20, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg
This reminds me of a really bad Lifetime movie with Keri Russell and Stephen Collins (the dad on Seventh Heaven). The Babysitter's Seduction I think it was called. Anywho...gross.
July 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCinco Lover
I'm always saddened when I hear about celeb couples breaking up, especially after less than five minutes together. It makes me think they don't really know what "for better or worse" really means.

But I do rejoice when I see them without make-up and retouching and realize that yes, they really are just like me.
July 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

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