Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Long, Hot Summer

I plod tiredly into the brightly lit "Pharmacia". Relief envelops me like the ice cold air the AC is valiantly pumping throughout the building on this hot day. Relief, not in the cool breeze, but because I have a purpose. If only for the ten minutes I will wander the aisles with a goal. Q-Tips. Soap. And yes, Tylenol PM that I will abuse in the wee hours. I will shuffle down every aisle, enjoying the chilly environs, glad to be doing something. Crossing items off a list makes me feel useful. I have a purpose!

A man gestures for me to go ahead of him and I nearly tear up. I've been doing that lately. Nearly crying over the the kindness of strangers.. because it seems so lacking here. A smile, someone who pets my dog, opens a door. I tear up! I am that messy.

I'm trapped between two worlds. On the one hand I long to be a free spirit.. sponge up every bit of unemployment, visit Coney Island, Central Park, stroll Fifth Avenue and just do my thing, whatever that is. On the other hand I am envious of friends back home in Utah with their steady paychecks, big homes, backyards and cozy little family units. And then I scorn suburbia and the safe life.. Five minutes later I long for it Then detest it. Then long for it, for giant grocery store chains and sport utility vehicles with curves like J-Lo that will transport me to said grocery stores without the usual sweaty subway combat.

I should be on the olympic T.V. Watching team. I would garner a Silver Medal in Wine Drinking. I would be awarded the Gold in Thinking Too Much. I alternately hate myself for feeling low then hate others for being so fucking put together. Or at least pretending to be.

Who are you? Are you happy with your life? Disappointed? Are you where you thought you'd be by now? Do you hate yourself? Do you like yourself? If you met you would you like you? Would you be friends with you? Do you even contemplate that kind of stuff?

I'd be friends with me... but I would annoy the fuck outta me with my social anxieties. I would tell me "don't you know how good you've got it? You stupid bitch! You have a husband who's crazy about you, good friends (that you've been avoiding lately).. What is WRONG with you?

I don't know.

Reader Comments (67)

when i was unemployed, i so wish i had had a blog! see. you're lucky.

and yeah- i'm pretty happy...i'm not married (although i may as well be) nor do i have kids or own a house, so i do sometimes feel a little left behind. i definitely have to stop and remind myself that these people are probably jealous of ME.

August 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterrosie
You avoid all your friends because you are a booger.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCL
I'm happy. I'd say 90 percent of the time I'm happy, but part of me must want to be miserable. I'm not married, don't have kids nor do I own, but I'm OK with that having realized that these are the results of choices I made and must live with. I have a great job that I don't appreciate enough which makes me wonder if I'm attempting to sabotage myself. Lately I've sort of fallen in love with the idea of paying off all debt and working part time and doing more of the things you mentioned. Yet in the very next breath I realize that I really want kids someday and maybe a backyard for a zooful of pets. Gotta work to have that. Or sometimes I think about going back to school for yet another degree. Or trying my hand at the violin (this would be a crushing exercise in humility.)

I think we've been raised to think we “can have it all” yet at the same time we are attuned enough to know that there's no such thing and that even if there was, it still wouldn't be something we'd want. But thoughts of wanting “other lives” (a big house in the burbs when we live in the city…long, introspective afternoons of free thought when we silently long for the 9-5 life…etc.) are always there.

Your gold medal in overthinking? You are a member of a very big club. There should be a real book on how to relax on this. And not something that says “Just meditate and you'll be fine.”
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCinco Lover
I have the same inner argument with myself daily. I tell meyself that I should be happy and how lucky I am and that things are falling into place and I need to learn to be fucking patient. But despite that, I still rush and get annoyed with myself because everything isn't just so. I look at my friend's very domestic lives of living with their boyfriends and think that maybe I should have some sort of adult relationship.

I think that no matter what there will always be that internal struggle because it's hard to just accept how things are. There's always more.

That said, I would totally be friends with me, mostly because I'm awesome. ;-)
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
What's that saying? Something about "I'm not happy unless I'm miserable?" That's what my Mom says about me. So you you aren't alone! It's just life I think.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Am I where I thought I'd be right now? No - but then again, I gave up on "my plans" after the biggest one came crashing down around me. Now I finally understand that I'm just along for the ride, I didn't build the tracks, I'm not the driver - I'm just enjoying the scenary as it flashes past me.

I'm happy where I am though and I'm glad I was steered into another direction than the one I was following because I can believe I wouldn't be as happy as I am now.

If you can't have what you love, love what you have.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTarah
Don't think your avoidance has gone un noticed, my elusive friend.

Perhaps it's time for a dinner party.

Xmastime's fried chicken usually fixes all of my problems.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
well, and his enormous penis.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld food at Monica's house! Shall I being my penis?
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
I was in CT last weekend and feeling the same way. Longing for surburbia and then when I reached Brooklyn-detesting myself for even having felt that way.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMaria
Well...only if it can come. I understand, we all have our lives to lead!
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Oh, don't get me started. I have a house and a happy family with a man who I've been married to for decades and three happy, smart, healthy, good looking children. Plus a really fat dog and a currently three-legged cat (long story). I have a good job that pays me well and makes me think hard so the days pass by quickly, although not without stress.

But all that comes at a price. I have to do a lot of driving because in order to have a nice house and a decent job I have to live far away from the city to be able to afford it. So my car feels like a prison sometimes, Sirius radio be damned. I, too, have been neglecting friends -- there's just no time, and when I get home I quickly fall into reality-tv mode (Jackie has GOT to dump Mimi on Workout!). And I wake up in the middle of the night way too often and can't get back to sleep, worrying about what I must do and haven't, what I should do and don't want to, what I dream of doing and never will. I worry about what kind of world my kids will have to try and be happy in, I worry about how my mom can possibly stand to live another year. I worry about how we will pay for my kid's new car transmission ($2k we just found out about today). Then I worry about the sleep I'm losing and that leads me to worrying about my body -- I have sooo jumped the shark, having turned 50, yeah, 50 this year -- and, well, don't get me started about how your body changes at this age and there is not one damn thing you can do about it. I joined a gym, I get up at 5:30 in the goddamn morning in order to exercise and not only am I not losing weight, everything is shifting around and not in a good way. Not to mention the way I suddenly seem to be viewed by the world at large - can you PLEASE not call me m'am five times while you're taking my sandwich order, please? But like I said, don't get me started.

So, what I'm trying to say here, is, it never ends. No matter your "station" in life, there are always things that you think about to excess, problems that never go away, dreams and desires that always seem unattainable. I guess we just have to make peace with that. There are days when I am better at doing that than others, usually when I'm not having a hot flash. But like I said, don't get me started.

August 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
did you just ask if my penis can come? loaded question, no?
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Is it too early to start drinking?
August 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
what, in the year?
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Is it a LOADED question to ask if your PENIS can COME?


Have I mastered the art of a quadruple entendre?


Is it ever too early to start drinking?


August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Y'all are a bad influence.
August 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
hey, xmastime? I'm good at 3 things.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
drinking, fucking, drinking?
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
HA HA! Am wiping Diet Coke from my monitor! Don't stop. I have 35 minutes of boredom left.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I'm sorry. I'd love to stay and play but "I LOVE THE NINETIES: PART IIIIIII" is starting. Gotta go!
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I was going to say:

Fucking, Drinking, and Quantum physics...well, and sucking. Hey! I was wrong! I'm good at 4 things!
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Just thought I'd answer some of your probably rhetorical questions:

I'm pretty happy. I think that's largely because I'm married to the man Ilove, the type of person I never even envisioned I'd go out with,much less be wih forever. I can't think of any way I could have been any luckier.

Sure, there are things that aren't so great in my life, but I know overall I am beyond lucky, (and so are most of us in the U.S. anyway, not all, but most).

I am not where I'd thought I'd be. I thought I'd have a decent job, decent salary, maybe own a place or be able to own one soon. Instead I have a chronic illnss, am on disability and haven't been able to work in more than 1.5 years, and likely never will. Needless to say money is tight, owning a place is a fantasy, even renting is hard.

Still I am happy and do like myself, even if I need more self confidence sometimes (overly critical mothe ris what I blame it on).

I stopped any minor social anxiety I had recently. It just went away. Maybe because since I got sick I just appreciate every day and enjoy the few social interactions I get to have . Maybe being stuck in a small apt. all day for 1.5 years and barely being able to go out with friends will that do to you (not that I suggest trying that).

Anyway yes I'd be friends with me I think (even while soeemtimes wondering why exactly others are). But who cares, I just don't let thoughts like that bother me.

I think I'd want to be firends with you, too. From what I read here at least. You may not feel that way when you read what I write (my comments on your blog), but that's the thing, I've just stopped caring about things like that. I mean I wouldn't impose on someone who I knew didn't like me, but I don't worry anymore when I do or say something that it iwll make someone not like me.

Maybe what it is is I got over that fear of rejection or looking stupid and it's much easier living life without it. Anyway thanks for all your thought provoking wrint and please forgive my many typos.

p.s I am always torn b/w city, country and suburb too, an am still in the city after many years.

August 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermm
"All things must pass"
G. Harrison
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoe's feeling Meher Baba
I just found your blog and I am in love! Keep up the amazing writing. I wish I knew you when you lived in Utah.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJelloRules
Go see American Bueaty, then reconsider your position on suburbia. It's all part of a larger rat race. It's not "suburbia," per say, it's more our need to satisfy ourselves in the short term with material things.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHarry
Harry, that is an excellent point. One that I think about every day of my New York life. Sometimes, in NY when I get sick of my small apartment I think about how it's size is a blessing in disguuise because it keeps me from loading up on material things. It keeps me from even contemplating that kind of stuff. Monica, I laughed so hard at your "the girl who" story called The Pottery Barn Effect because that is totally how all my old friends in Illinois are. Trying to fill big suburban houses and sometimes I think they are trying to fill their empty hearts too.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Gosh, so many questions of your readers!

I go through periods when I annoy the shit out of myself--- it gives new meaning to 'cranky'. I live alone (supposed to be really, really bad for emotional well-being) in a big city and have a small group of friends... and .... terribly happy, most of the time (previously mentioned crankiness)

I do have to make a special effort to get outside and enjoy the outdoors so I don't become claustrophobic in the ci-tay. I go for a run along the SF bay and enjoy the waves, birds, dogs. I don't think I could ever live in The Suburbia. Yech.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
I think some studies have shown correlations between increased rates of depression in this country and suburban sprawl versus lower rates in western european countries. There is a sense of community, stimulation and interaction in cities/villages and less sense of isolation.
August 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterErinS
I'm in the suburbs I guess, but it works for me. I'm married (11 years) with a 6 year old daughter. I miss the days of living alone but I would collapse if anything happened to either my saint of a husband or my daughter. Am I happy? I am happy with the people in my life. I feel incredibly blessed in that regard. My husband is my perfect match, my job is right for where I am now, my daughter is a joy. I feel like the tragedy is inevitable, you know? Like too much is going well.

I'm also on my 4th glass of wine. That may or may not be revelant.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKDS
Revelant. Going to bed.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKDS
Ha! I'm in the city and on my third glass. Raising my glass to your happiness KDS and here's hoping you find yours Monica!
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
I’m sorry my response is so long, but your thoughts really resonated with me.

No, I am nowhere near where I thought I would be. I pictured myself with a job that would allow me to travel and help out my family financially. Instead I will be graduating with enough debt to purchase a small house, but with half the time to pay it off.

I feel trapped in the suburbs with no quick exit. My brother returned from 2 years in the French West Indies followed by a year in Ireland, while I’ve only lived in Ohio. We both have mountains of student loans, but at least his are associated with magnificent experiences, because like you he took chances. I have taken the “safe” way at every available opportunity only to arrive at a similar destination, but without the journey. The most exciting times I have had in recent years have been when I tagalong on his adventures.

I’m ready to cry at every little problem, every sad news story and every sweet thing my family does to try to help. My family doctor asked me if I was depressed because I’ve gained a lot of weight. So I told him, I don’t know if its depression exactly, yeah I do cry a lot but . . . Next he asked me to compare now to 4 years earlier. That stunned me just thinking about the contrast, but I tried to excuse it by explaining that I had more responsibilities now. Finally, he asked how I would feel if I felt the same in four years. Even considering that for a split second was devastating and I just started sobbing. I know I have had a very privileged life, but it only makes me feel worse for feeling bad. So I avoid my friends also. I don’t know why exactly. Maybe because being around them emphasis how wrong my life is turning out. Or maybe it is too hard to be around people that seem so happy. I do know that it helps to hear that other people occasionally feel something similar.

August 10, 2006 | Registered CommenterErinS
I avoid friends because I don't like to inflict my inner torture on them. Inside I feel like I'm drowning while outside I'm struggling to maintain interest in what they're saying. Inevitibly, the facade of hiding the crazy girl becomes too much. But I don't want to talk about my shit because A) nobody likes the depressive (except my beautiful husband) and B) intellectually I understand that my life is relatively good, but that's what depression does. It cloaks your brain in dark, doesn't let in the sun. The social anxiety, the depression, they're good buddies, those motherfuckers. One outing a week and I'm set. It's easier to stay home and talk to Max. That's not to say I don't have lovely friends, it just means I am fucked up. Social Anxiety fucks with my head constantly. It's easier to avoid conversation and the ridiculous self analysis that follows EVERY SINGLE conversation I have. I know I need medication. At least now I can recognize anxiety attacks instead of chalking them up to PMS like I used to. My brain refuses to chill.
August 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Good gravy, we functional depressives are all so similar. Not so far gone that we can't sit back and roll with the punches, but not so healthy that we can understand that our friends actually want to see us no matter what kind of weltschmerz we are playing host to. I hate that story.
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg
I love my friends, but their lives seem so perfect. All I can think about when I am with them is how wretched my life has become. It’s hard to stand there smiling, listening while they talk about their fiancé, house, wonderful job and the marathon they just ran. (I kid you not! By some sick twist of fate I am surrounded by people who recently got into running marathons; i.e. sister, mother, brother, cousin, and best friend. I’m happy for them, but it makes me feel even worse. As my mother loses weight I gain weight.) I can’t get up in the morning and they run fucking marathons! I smile, congratulate them; while in my head thoughts on what a fat, lazy, idiot I am run on repeat. Why don’t I swim or do yoga anymore? Why didn’t I learn a foreign language? What about that guitar that sits in the corner collecting dust? All my faults become magnified while standing listening to them. It’s exhausting pretending to be happy when you just want to sit down and sob. By the time I get home I’ll have a headache no amount of smoking can cure. I’ve given myself migraines, hyperventilated, and gotten hives from all the anxiety, but like you said I can not get my brain to stop obsessing. So I lie awake at night, unable to sleep and thinking about things I’d rather forget. Ever since I moved 90 minutes away (not far I know), I just quit visiting. It’s a lot easier to pretend on short phone calls.

August 11, 2006 | Registered CommenterErinS

Sometimes I want to scream at a complete and random stranger: Why isn't this enough?

Why can't I just take this and be happy.
And like you, the answer, ever elusive, remains abroad. Out of reach.

I can offer nothing, except this:
I know.
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterecho
Is this very obnoxious of me? I hate unsolicited advice but I felt very concenred when I read the very detailed descriptions of your depression , Erin S. I have been through that too. Monica and Erin, besides medication, would you consider therapy (orm aybe you already have tried it?). Just going for a short whilewas enough to jumpstart me onto a path of digging myself out of my depression and gaining the coping skills to keep me out. Whether its therpay or meds or exercise or whatever works please dont let this issue eat up your lives, seek help, you deserve to live a life without these types of feelings. I am sooo sorry for giving advice to people I don't know who didn't ask, and probably the most obvious "advice" at that. Please at least recognize the intention behind it is good even if the message itself is annoying or unwelcome.
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermm
Maybe to make you think of something else...: I'm going to get married in september. I've been with this guy for nearly seven years now and ALWAYS wanted to marry him. Why am I a little afraid now?? Is that normal? I'm thinking about how much responsability a marriage affords and if I can manage that...Well, I guess I'm the silver medal winner in thinking too much .. I've always been crazy for this man and I know he loves me..but at the moment I'm not sure if he loves me enough to cope with me for the rest of his life... sorry if this is not the place to write this...I just felt like it!
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMechthild
mm, I always find your posts saying what I want to say, only better. Sometimes you are so close to the situation you can't see the answer, and when you are removed from it you slap yourself in the face for not finding the solution sooner, the one that was just staring you in the face. Reading what Monica and Erin are saying -- and they are even admitting that they know they need help in some fashion -- makes you want to grab those girls' arms and march them right to the doctor for an anti-depressant prescription. That's pretty much what my husband did for me, and I will be forever grateful.

A few years back I was consumed with worry and grief. My father had just died, we were going through a particularly crazy terror/sniper/disaster world scenario, I was trying to raise three kids and keep my marriage together and find enough money to do it all. I couldn't sleep, couldn't cope, and, above all, just felt really, really angry all the time. At everything and everyone. I finally went to get some therapy and medication. The therapy was just so-so, but the Welbutrin set me straight. No effects other than to be able to see the world and my own situation clearly and calmly. I felt happy -- not a high-happy, just, well, normal. I insisted on Welbutrin because it doesn't suppress your libido, which would have caused another marital crisis. I was going through a rough life-patch, and my husband convinced me to finally get some help -- the drugs are out there, why NOT use them?

Of course, the other thing that has always seen me through hard times is music, the joy of the right song at the right time is worth 10 therapy sessions. And I'm So Glad I'll be seeing Neil Young this weekend - in this fucked up world I'm counting on Neil to help me see the light. Again.

August 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
"I avoid friends because I don't like to inflict my inner torture on them."

But, my dear. That's what your friends are here for.

August 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
....AND now we're back to my enormous penis.
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
Monica. Your friends need you too.

IE: "Monica, I need you to help me recover from the trauma from being exposed to the largest cock I've ever seen in my life."
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
Thanks everyone for your emails and comments. It seems many folks are afraid to comment for fear it's off topic or they're rambling or whatever. Dude, that's what this blog is for. Your comments make me feel BETTER. The advice is ALWAYS appreciated and anybody that can relate makes me feel not so lonely. And if you can make me laugh in the process that's even better.
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I’ve been wanting to comment on this, but your story hits a little too close to home. Besides trudging through a painful depression/anxiety in my adolescence that everyone around me seemed to ignore (just don’t acknowledge it & it will go away, right?) I suffered through two post-partum depressions. The adolescent depression took about a year & a half to get through & when it would peek it’s ugly head out in later years, I discovered lots of self-destructive behavior to ease the pain.
Ah, but when the first post-partum depression hit I couldn’t do anything remotely self-destructive & so I had to endure it. I avoided most people b/c I couldn’t stand to put on the happy new mother face. If my day didn’t go exactly as planned, I’d be paralyzed w/ anxiety for hours. I’d secretly pray for someone to take my baby away so I could have my old life back. I’d call Leo maybe 30 times a day to talk me through the most routine tasks. If I did let on to friends & family that I was anything but ecstatic about my perfect new baby, I’d get an earful about what a great life I had & I had nothing to be depressed about (thanks, Mom). I actually wanted to get some counseling at the time, but I didn’t have the energy to leave the house & attend the group counseling that the hospital offered.
We almost didn’t have a second baby b/c we were so afraid of going through this again, but I convinced myself it would be better this time. I couldn’t be more wrong. The depression/anxiety was so much worse & hit me like a sledgehammer when Andrew was born. I would wake up feeling so panicked that I would be alone w/ the kids all day that I would beg Leo to stay home from work. I wasn’t afraid of hurting them, but I had a fear that I was losing control & somehow wouldn’t be able to care for them properly. My heart would race so fast & my stomach would be in knots and I had trouble breathing. I rarely showered. I rarely slept, even when exhausted. I couldn’t get a morsel of food in me until Leo returned home from work. Between the breastfeeding & my unintentional starvation diet I lost about 40 pounds in 5 weeks (and I only gained 20). Half of my hair fell out. That’s when Leo insisted I call the doctor.
It’s weird…being a nurse practitioner I’ve prescribed anti-depressants and other psychiatric medications countless times & I truly believe when used properly they are life savers. But, I was ashamed to try medication for myself. I somehow felt that my depression was under my control & if only I was a stronger person I could will myself to be healthier. At Leo and my doctor’s insistence, I reluctantly tried Zoloft. The first couple of days I felt a little more anxious. I started to panic that nothing would ever take this feeling away. But then day by day the pain starting easing up until one day, 2 ½ weeks later, I woke up and I felt NORMAL. Not overly happy, not numb, just kind of peaceful. No inner voices of doubt, worry and fear. No racing heart. No nausea. In fact, I never, EVER felt this at ease. It must be what normal people feel like every day. I stayed on the medicine for about 5 months & I really believe it saved my life.
Geez, sorry for the long, dramatic story clogging your blog! This is the most I’ve ever talked about this with anyone other than my husband.
Monica, you're not alone.
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchrissy
Why does depression medication have such a stigma? I kind of feel the same way. First, like, if I have to take medication to feel "normal" I MUST be fucked up (intellectually I know that isn't true but...)

Secondly, I went on something called Celexa (I think) a long time ago. It demolished my already non-existent sex drive and my then boyfriend haaaated it. Kind of scares me to go back on it as well, let alone I don't have health insurance.
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I hope is not so serious problem (that social anxieties) as janet said above and you won't have to take a medicine, I think it's just the age (I'm 29 as well) that you need to think over about the life and the future and past...funny because I've been thinking yesterday about the same, I mean why I'm not enough happy with my life... I've got comfortable life but still asking myself why, where is my happiness, what Iąm looking for or why i'm looking for sth else and think up that this something will be better than this what i have now...and don't worry about your friend I think they should understand you better than you think, when you don't have much to say it shouldnt be problem for them or if you decide to say about your life's dilemmas they will be with you:) i guess and its the same with other people and I like this question: "If you met you, would you be friends with you" I've never been thinking about myself in this way...after that I like you more...sometimes i wish i could have one more chance to choose another path of my life, really!!...anyway cheer up my friend, be strong and thnink positive about yourself and your regards
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
Sometimes I think society (magazines, media, movies) trains us to be unhappy with ourselves. It's so impossible to live up to all the hype we see. Also, I think reality is a big blow. When you grow up and finally realize that the happiest you'll probably ever be was when you were young, playing hide and seek at dusk with the neighbor kids, knowing your Mom was home cooking dinner.
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTammy
yup..I agree with you tammy...that's true!!
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
It strikes me as interesting that so many, including me have the same feelings that we generally hide from others. Maybe it's not depression but normal to feel this way. At least you're a person who questions yourself and your surroundings. Maybe we're just conditioned to view normal questioning and feelings of inadequacy as depression?
August 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAaron

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