Monica Bielanko
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M-V-H-S The Best!

Un(fortunately) I missed my ten year high school reunion. It came and went last year without so much as an Oh. My. God. Look how much weight Becky has gained! or a Sweet Jesus, karma IS A BITCH! Cody is as bald as Melissa Etheridge after chemo!

The reasons I stayed away from Happy Valley and the legions of Stepford Wives? Well, for starters I live in NYC and who the fuck wants to pay that much in airplane fare just to go to a reunion? Although if Cody really was bald or Becky really had fat ladied out I'd happily shell out as much as a grand to make it there...a girl can dream. Secondly and more importantly, I went to the five year reunion and if history is any indicator - reunions at Mormon centric high schools suck worse than being stuck in an elevator with a sweaty Rush Limbaugh.

Did the conscientious card carrying republican members of the former student council rent out a cool hotel where at least we could all hide and peer at each other's wrinkles and fat rolls from the shadows cast by ancient, dimly lit chandeliers? Where we could molest the bar for wine - no, Jaeger bombs - to numb the pain... Fuck no! The always dutiful crew decided to host the shindig at the HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA! Who the? What the? You mean, the very same cafeteria in which I shunned those homophobic, asshole Mormon jocks and the "meat loaf" (which I put in quotes because, really, only the lunch ladies know what went in that mystery meat concoction). The same cafeteria in which I dumped a salad on the aforementioned Cody's head because he aided his righteous jock posse in spreading rumors about my abortion? Okay, yes. The one and the same. The High School cafeteria. But they decorated it snazzy-like, right? At least a string of Christmas lights and perhaps some haphazardly tossed crepe paper? Maybe they went all out and rented a disco ball? We could all get high (accidentally, of course) on rubber cement and magic markers and dance the night away? Like really push it and rock it hard to 9 or maybe even 10! Shakin' our groove thangs to Creed and Puddle of Mud and Matchbox 20. Fist pump! YESSS! Right? Right? FUCK NO! This shit was at, like, four in the afternoon, in the high school cafeteria and they served, get this, hoagie sandwiches. Lunchtime circa 1994 all over gain. Awesome.

So I stood there, horrified to be surrounded by as many as 50 pregnant women who kind of resembled my former classmates. They seemed to be closing in on me! Blessedly, someone took the microphone and kicked off the festivities. First order of business... an exciting competition for the most pregnant woman in the room! Who will win? 23 year old Becky who's pregnant with twins? Or will it be 24 year old Sara who is 8 and 1/2 months along with her third child? I seized that opportunity to slink down the hall to my old locker. The one that some enterprising young lady emblazoned with the word BITCH! in black permanent marker during my junior year. Good times.

After my stroll down memory hallway, the smell of cleaning products fighting for nostril space with the smell of sharpened pencils and the vague stench of old sweat I arrived back in the cafeteria just in time for the WHO TRAVELED THE FARTHEST TO GET HERE competition. Yay! The winner? The girl who moved to Nevada. Need I remind you Nevada touches Utah?

So that was fun.

So, like, Steph Spencer - former cheerleader extraordinaire is, like, SURPRISE! an aerobics instructor with a rabid eating disorder. And, like Lindsay Hunter is still, like ohmygosh, SUPER cheerful, flashing that Colgate smile and apparently on student council retainer, handing out name tags and such (hello! my name is LINDSAY!)

I longed to grasp the mic and do my thing... "HIYA FELLOW BRUINS! Guess what kiddies?!! I, like, totally had sex in high school! Omigod! I know! I should've told my bishop, like right away! My body is totally a temple, right? And like, I got pregnant! Swear! And then, like, I had an abortion in between my Junior and Senior years. Then like, I went to Idaho so, like, the football star that got me pregnant could continue his stellar career and score more touchdowns... this time on the field, of course. Heh heh...(taps mic) Is this thing on?? I mean, The Church came down on me like a freight train what with me being a "baby murderer" and all. But Matt, he was just a good kid who got tangled up with the wrong girl. That's what his parents and bishop said anyway. I wonder if they said that after he got that second girl pregnant? Guess so. He still went on his mission for the church just the same. So like, remember when I came back from Idaho you all gossiped about me and stuff? Made me so miserable I dropped out and finished my courses at night school! Like, crazy! See you at our 20 year reunion! M-V-H-S, THE BEST!"

We are the fighting bruins of Mountain View
our song is heard our story told
about the team that's tough, I'm telling you
our victory will soon unfold!

Reader Comments (31)

Oh God...I'm in high-school right now and this sounds just like what's going on there. Time doesn't change anything does it?

p.s. awesome blog! :)
August 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Am peeing my pants. That was so funny. I vote you actually do go to the 20th reunion and say exactly that. High school jocks are the worst. They have the teachers, coaches, everyone in their back pocket. At my school teachers would give them extra credit so they could raise their grades enough to play on game day.
August 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
It's kind of a treat when the Karmic Dump Truck of Destiny backs up and takes a huge crap on such people and such events. It happens just when it should and not a moment too soon.

For those whom high school was truly the highlight of their existence I feel the sorriest.

I kind of loved "Grosse Pointe Blank" for this reason.
August 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSusanna
This post made me think of Romey and Michelle's High School Reunion. That movie was strange - what was up with that dance routine at the end? But still, the pregnant bitches in their easter egg color dresses. My reunion sucked too. Why does anyone go to those things? Do they really want to see old friends or secretly make fun of how fat and bald everyone is?
August 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
i don't see myself ever going to a high school reunion. i have no desire to see those people again. I have my friends, I love my friends, but I don't want to see the snotty bitches who cheated their way through AP course, spread rumors about my friend, and generally acted like the c-word Yes, the c-word. I would like to remember the good stuff, like how we stuck together, went to see Rocky Horror, broke our curfews. Funny, Nick went to a different high school, but he feels the same way about reunions. We just throw the alma mater shit in the recycle bin the minute it comes in the mail.
August 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
I've just found you and I am in love with your blog! If you haven't already you should read a book called Home Land by Sam Lipsyte. This post reminded me a bit of the book. It's one of the funniest books I've ever read.
August 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJudy
So these are my neurotic thoughts, right now:
Should I leave a comment? No! The people who read it will think I'm lame! But who cares? Um, I actually do care what people think. Like, a lot. I don't have anything interesting to say. I mean, duh, I think she's funny, but she knows she's funny, everyone says it all the time, and I want to save my funny compliment for when I really, really mean it. Sooo...uh, everything I have to say about the topic makes me feel like a loser. I didn't really enjoy or hate high school. I hated doing work and dealing with so many different kinds of people, and waking up and getting my ass over there and back, but I know secretely most of that ickyness stems from me being lazy and insecure. If I wasn't lazy, I wouldn't mind the work, and if I was confident, I wouldn't be afraid of people and feel uncomfortable stuck in a classroom with a bunch of people who I felt were judging me.
I envy Monica for being older and out of high school with a life that has some meaning to it. She's such a great person. I liked her speech about abortion. I wish she'd given it. I wish there was something funny I could say. Damn I feel so lacking in personality right now.

Sorry I haven't posted a comment in awhile. I read your blog pretty often but I don't know how to just jump in the conversation.
I figured if I shared my neurosis you would understand, considering the kinds of things you write about and how accepting you seem. But maybe I am just being weird and I should not force comments out of myself. Or I should untangle this one and twist it into something normal. But for once I would just like to speak without thinking too hard before I let it out.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdesiree
I've got exactly the same feelings about reunion...everything is about pretending that you care and you are nice and you are interested in...
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
When I tell people about my high school experience in Utah, they just don't get it. Well, this post says it all. Did you go to seminary? Just curious.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy
I was seminary president for a time my dear "sister amy". Oh yes.
August 14, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
I wasn't unpopular in high school. I definitely wasn't popular either. On the whole, high school was OK. Yet somehow, I can relate. I went to my hometown for a visit 2 Christmases ago, and everyone was buzzing about the 100th anniversary of my high school (which coincided with my 10th year reunion). The receptionist in my doctor's office. The middle-aged cashier at the grocery store. My high school friends--and their parents. I couldn't throw away the invitation fast enough. Who wants to stand around making small talk about the 'good old days' when what you're really doing is sizing each other up (does she earn more than me? is his wife hotter? look how fat she's gotten...) and judging each other relentlessly. Just like high school all over again. Is there a good reason to go to one of these things?
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPurr Meow
You were seminary president? *mouth hanging open in shock*. Wow. I would never have thought. Great post. I actually didn't mind my 5 year reunion. I went to a smaller high school in northern Utah and since my parents still live in my childhood home I pretty much already knew what everyone was up to. Maybe the 10 year will be more interesting.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJelloRules
Hooray to Judy for mentioning Sam Lipsyte's book! It's exactly what I thought of when I read this post, which is smashing, by the way. Sounds much worse than my experience in Hicksville, Texas. The boys in the Future Farmers of America tortured me for sport, but I was editor of the school newspaper and ridiculed them in print on a monthly basis. So maybe it's a draw. I ran like hell first chance I got and haven't been back since. Most of those boys still live in that crap town. And probably still smell like cow shit, too.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDeanne
I stuck out in high school! I was the girl who never celebrated any holidays! I was the girl who drove an 80's model Lincoln Towncard, blue, then wrecked it and still had to drive it. I was weird! Yet I was super nice and all the teacher's liked me. Nope, I didn't get a car for graduation, I wasn't destined for some college far far away. So I wasn't popular.
Yet when I went to and found some people I went to high school with,they were super nice and begging me to come to the reunion. I declined!! One of my best memories was Ilaria, the Italian foreign exchange student. She was nice, she didn't care what you drove, what clothes you wore, how far or skinny you were, just that you were nice and understood her broken English! Now I have someone to visit in Italy!
Edw, you closet high school lover! LOL
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
I'm always interested in what kind of people my friends were when they were in high school. It's so interesting. Not that it makes any difference in who they are today it's just funny to see who was cheerleaders, who were nerds and how they turned out. I have some friends who are exactly the same as they were in high school and others who are completely different people either physically or emotionally.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
yeah. youre right. that would suck. i went to my ten year. it was okay.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterghost
It can all be summed up with the question "which character were you in The Breakfast Club?" I was Bender just not as cool or ballsy. So I guess maybe I was a cross bewtween Bender and Brian but closer to Bender.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
In The Breakfast Club I wanted to be Molly Ringwald because she got to make out with Judd Nelson! Of course! In real life, my character didn't even make it in the movie.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
I hated high school for some of the same reasons. Why oh WHY is the star football player/popular guy never labeled a "whore?" They pressure the hell outta you until you slept w/them...thinking they really care about you cause you're two immature to know that's bullshit...then you get knocked up. But they just "made a mistake" while gossip floats for years about the girl involved. I will NOT be going to my 10 year reunion next year. I would rather spend time with people I actually like. Great post/blog.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdldarcy
Sister Monica, I was also Seminary president. By electing me, they thought they could help me overcome my little problem with smoking clove cigarettes in the smeinary parking lot. It didn't work To the delight of my family, I did graduate from seminary. It was a much bigger deal than high school graduation. Did you graduate from seminary, too?
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy
Nope. The year I was made president marks my decline into Satan's filthy clutches. But for a a good few months there whilst presiding over God's children in my seminary class I was a responsible young latter day saint.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Sisters! What's this seminary deal? Sorry. Can you explain for the benefit of the clueless heathen here? Like not baptized, express bus to h-e-double hockey sticks...
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPurr Meow
Seminary blows chicken cock. Monica, I enjoy your new goings on over to your MySpace account.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCL
Yeah, but if memory serves CL, you were QUITE the fighting Bruin.

Purr Meow.. seminary classes are basically Mormon sponsored classes. In Utah students can take a class period to attend seminary during which they learn about the Book of Mormon etc.. basically Sunday school classes. In other states Mormon students have to get up an hour earlier to attend seminary because the seminary classes aren't held during school. Mormons call each other Brother and Sister. For example, I would be called Sister Bielanko. You would be called Sister Meow and so forth.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
Don't know what you are talking about. All I know today is chicken cock.
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCL
Isn't chicken cock a contradiction of terms. Or animals?
August 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
You are correct. In my haste to make potty humor I overlooked this small detail.

Correction: Chicken Penis.

Thank you for your insight on the matter.
August 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCL
Hey Danielle, (hope spelling is close) I went to the ten year. Wow!! that sums it up. This time it was a
again in the lunch room and the food was from Chili's or something. You didn't miss out on anything besides seeing your old pal wally. O.K., one remember when moment: Remember when you were our bat girl, that was hot!! You are completely a crack up. If you need a grill I'm all over it.
August 21, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermormon guy

Hey Mormon Guy! Wally's overrated! Although he is helpful when your molar breaks in two...

February 27, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSalad Head

lol i go to MV right now and i guess not much has changed!
you should totally host the 20th reunion!

April 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

Hurrah for the greatness of M-V-H-fucking-S. Yup. Weirdly, That's my high school right now. It's just the same, pretty much. hm...

Ya'll rolly wont like this but, I'm sorry they were awful to you. :) I'm a dramawhore so if I had of been in your position I would have totally been a complete and utter bitch to them all.

Death the the fascists!! Long live the usurpers and outcasts. :p

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