Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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"You get avacados?" The Surge asks?
"Yup, right here.. As ripe as my fantastic ta-tas."
"I thought you said you could store nuts for the winter under the recent sag."
"Dude.. you don't need to remind me. Just engaging in a little positive self-affirmation is all."
"I'm just repeating what you said. I think you have an exquisite pair." My husband smoothly slides this last sentence into the conversation like a victorious baseball player sliding into home. Evidence that a man is never too old to train. It just takes a lot of screaming, crying, throwing of the wedding ring and the like.
"You think any pair is exquisite." I reply, pleased nonetheless. "Did you get taco shells and hot sauce?"
"Right here. You got onions?"
"Si senor. And tomatoes. I think our work here is done."
"I've only got twenty-four dollars on me. How much do you think this is going to come to?"
"I don't know, but we can't withdraw anything. There's nothing to withdraw. Rent check just cleared. I think our balance is, like, 50 cents. Maybe 60."
"Let's add this up."

We fall silent as each of us conducts our own mentally tally of the groceries in our basket. God forbid, we go above our cash limit, forced to shamefacedly ask the cashier if she can subtract the avacados, we can't afford them.
"Shit. I'm at twenty-one dollars already and we still haven't accounted for Diet Coke."The Surge says.
"We need milk too." I remind my betrothed.
"Oh." His face scrunches up as he runs numbers through his beautiful head like a professional bookie. "We can't afford both" he determines, sadly shaking his head.
"What's it going to be, milk or Diet Coke?" I ask.

We both pause to consider the greatest quandary of our day. Milk? Or Diet Coke? Hmmm... I let the air conditioned air lick my body, can hear electric snatches of Sheryl Crow crowing about soaking up the sun leaking out of the weak grocery store intercom.
"Diet Coke" we say in unison. And there it is.
Calcium? Please. Priorities, people.

Reader Comments (18)

That sounds like me except I have to choose between Diet Coke or Diet Sam's cola! LOL LOL
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
That's how I was last night in Costco. Like do I really need an XXL size wheel of Brie or 3lbs of Atlantic Salmon?? Well yes, but not as much as I need pretzel chips and frozen burritos. Most of the time I'll go without the good stuff in lieu of...I dunno...a 24 pack of yeungling.
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.
Ah, nail on the head with this one. The Grocery Store shuffle. Doritoes vs. dish soap, toiletpaper vs. STAR magazine, chicken vs. the guy selling pot on the corner. We do it every week.
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Heather B can you send me some Yuengling?? I miss that stuff! Can't get here where I live!
My sister's boyfriend was SUPPOSED to get me some for my x-mas present, he never got me any! :(
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
I love this story. Such the NY life. My first trip to Tarjay in the Bronx to decorate the shithole room I was renting last fall ended with me standing in the aisle in tears, confronted with the reality of dragging all the shit I had recklessly thrown in my cart up to the subway platform, and then up the five flights to my walk-up in Harlem. I had to put it all back and buy only stuff I could carry by myself. Priorities, people.
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteremily

We all know you have the best tits on the planet and you are the lay of the century, but today you gotta read Xmastime.
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCL
Holy geezum crow! If you've not read Xmastime today... do yourself a favor and click now. Best. Post. Ever.
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
I suspect it was because my mom isn't well-endowed that I missed out on a lot of life's lessons...I was fairly advanced into my 20's before I learned that failing "the pencil test" (you know, when you can hold a pencil beneath your breast) is not, in actuality, a cool barroom trick but is, instead, evidence of sagging tits. In fact, I was already failing the fucking "can-of-cat-food test" before I knew this shit.
Tits, glorious tits, eh?
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnn
Amen, welcome to my life, I hear ya, sing it sister, etc. Not the fabulous ta-tas part--*snort*. The saggy boobs and the "grocery store shuffle" (as Gemma so aptly termed it) part, I mean.
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPurr Meow
Why does Sheryl Crow get to be on all the commercials and all the piped in music, everywhere?

Just wonderin'?

1-bottle diet, whatever= $2.00

1-40oz Old German beer = $2.50

Ugh - that's a choice I wouldn't have had to make - can't stand any form of pop (or soda depending on where you live). Milk would have been it! :) But I totally understand on the money issue - price of living goes up and the price of working stays the same.
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTarah
mmmmm yummy avacados! I'm now seriously craving some avacados and chips. And I just like the word :P
August 3, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMeCravingSomeAvacados
Coca-Cola Santa nods his head in approval.

Great little story.
August 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlex
good choice!!! gosh I have to buy some food today as well and I have the same problems on my credit card:)
will remember about milk, right!!!
August 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
I'm really going to have to bookmark you so I don't get behind....

Love the new look.
August 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBuffy
choices, choices. Good thing I havn't had to choose between diapers or wipes.. yet
August 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterVanessa
That sounds like the right decision. I long for the day when I don't have to choose.
August 8, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

I'll go for the roast chicken :) Priority in cooking something in the oven.

October 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCazza

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