Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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The Girl Whisperer

I've just come off a 3 or 7 hour stint watching THE DOG WHISPERER. If you don't know who this brilliant gem of a man is then do yourself a favor and turn on the National Geographic Channel. Right now! It's DOG WHISPERER week!

The show's opening credits show us the silhouette of a lone man against a fiery Los Angeles sunset. Behold, it's Cesar Millan A.K.A. The Dog Whisperer. He's jogging steadily toward us, golden sunlight tinging the dust he kicks up.. Behind Cesar? His dog pack. A deep voiced announcer booms "When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend: Cesar Milan". Cue Cesar voice over as a montage of genius dog rehab moments flash before our eyes!
"No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I AM The Dog Whisper."

Cesar Millan is a genius with the dogs. He made his career rehabilitating Pit Bulls, Rottweilers and Dobermans. But if you've got a pissy Poodle or a mean Mutt Cesar's your man. I watched him tame a frothing, spitting Kujo of a dog like a snake charmer for God's sake! The idiot owners stand agog as Cesar deftly works his special brand of canine hocus pocus. Before your very eyes hissing Chihuahua's morph into lovey dog babies. Teeth baring Pit Bulls transform into tail-wagging dog buddies.

Oh Cesar! More calming than my usual medication of sitcoms and laugh tracks. I want to put the diminutive cabbage patch-faced fella right IN MY POCKET. Fuck the dogs! He could be my life coach!.. And when I stumble into this chaotic situation or that I could pull him out so he could guide me in his darling Spanish accent.
"SSSHHHT!" He'd strictly hush his trademark when I begin to blubber. Actually, Cesar would sense the onslaught of tears and "SSSHHHT" me before I had a chance to cry. He's that good. And when I successfully put the kibosh on the tears, backed off from attacking The Surge or the bitch lady on the subway, Cesar would proffer a treat. Perhaps a Dorito or maybe a handful of Skittles! Then maybe he'd ruffle my hair and pat me on the back. I'd like that.

Picture it: I'm pre-menstrual, circling The Surge like an angry Pit Bull, ready to attack him for LEAVING HIS FUCKING BEARD TRIMMINGS IN THE SINK. AGAIN! After I spot the dadgummed trimmings, I immediately bolt down the hall to where The Surge is happily reading The Post, my bare feet slapping the hardwood like hands on a bongo... I'm almost there.. I will give that motherfucker a piece of my------
Lo and behold! It's Cesar! He sensed my attack and pre-empted! I stop, momentarily confused and then I forget to attack. And I get a Dorito! What could be better? Well, if I'm PMS-ing he better follow the Dorito with a Twinkie.. and all will be well.

Reader Comments (10)

I love that show. And I don't even have a dog! He totally trains those crazy dog owners, too!
August 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Hilarious! I could use him too.
August 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
No joke...that stuff that he teaches really works! I have 2 dogs...Max and Maggie (dachshunds) and both of them know "SSSHHHT". I will be cooking in the kitchen and if they even try to put one little paw over the line they get the "SSSHHHT". Yep, it's great!!! Of course, I keep them out of the kitchen for their own protection. My kitchen is really small and I used to step all over them until Cesar saved me or should I say Max and Maggie.

Cesar ROCKS!
August 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSM
I love the dog whisperer. He is amazing! Funny post.
August 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSera
#1. If you are going to bitch at the Surge for beard trimming's, aren't you just mad at yourself for not buying Drano? I've stood at the sink for 20 minutes with water and toilet paper trying to eradicate said facial cutting's.

#2. Any man that knows and is loved by dogs is a brilliant shining light in a cesspool of hedonism.

#3. I forgot???

2 dog crew
I would love to have myself a Girl Whisperer... when I'm starting to get a bit edgy and cranky the Whisperer would use his magic to calm me!
August 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
If I whisper that this font is so small it's hard to read will you make it a little bigger?
August 7, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
the describe picture is said perfectly... I can go on this traing as well... more houres training when I'm PMS-ing :) this is really great idea woman!!!

by the way at the end of this month I'm going to train my dog in this kind of dog school, I will keep eye open for some good tips:) hihihi!
August 8, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
I found the errant HTML code causing the crazy small text and fixed it!
August 8, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
I love that show! I train a dog for Search and Rescue and have found allot of useful training tools watching his show. Although I admit I only can watch maybe 2 hours worth before I have to move. lol

Nice site btw, I'll be returning for more reading.

August 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDazd

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