Monica Bielanko
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I'm A Million Different People From One Day To The Next...

Inexplicably, today I found myself walking down the sidewalk with a bounce in my step. And smiling! FOR NO OBVIOUS REASON. I know, what an asshole.

I've been on The Zoloft for nearly three weeks now. I've noticed a difference. With no side effects. Imagine that! NO side effects. Except one. And you aren't going to fucking believe it. You will hate me. I hate me. The only noticeable side effect is no appetite. Seriously! I have no appetite. Like, even nachos don't sound good. What the fuck! I've hit depression jackpot! The Zoloft makes me not feel like eating! Which is huuuuge!

My whole life I've eaten waaaay too much at every meal. Grandpa used to ask if I had "hollow legs" in an effort to understand where my 5'4 body fit all the shit I packed into it. As it turns out, right around the age of 26 I discovered two things; my legs aren't hollow and my ass was fat.

So. In summary. I'm walking down the sidewalk with a bounce in my step, smiling for no apparent reason, and The Zoloft makes me skinny. Sweet! Aside from the glorious side effect, I've noticed a big difference in my outlook. I no longer feel like hanging onto the floor for dear life about five times a day as I sob and snot into the hardwoods. Nope. None of that. And I don't cry when I wake up. If I had an appetite I'd eat nachos for breakfast in triumphant celebration.

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  • Response
    Response: Beta Sitosterol
    There is a intresting post on "The Girl Who - Journal - I'm A Million Different People From One Day To The Next..." which I found relevent to cholesterol support with beta sitosterol ( and I recommend that everyone drop by and read that post...

Reader Comments (63)

AWESOME! I had that same side effect too.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterrosie
I had a similar experience when I was on Zoloft. Anything could happen and I had the ehhhh whatever attitude.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRhi
Great news! I hope it continues to help you feel better.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy
I am soooo happy for you! Way to go! It is better than me being on paxil and having no sex drive!

It is so wonderful to hear that you have a bounce in your step!
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSM
If I had no appetite I'd have a bounce in my step too! Glad to see things are going better for you. I was hoping you'd give us a Zoloft update.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
Yeesh...losng your appetite just when KFC comes out with this:

bad timing, brah!
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
You think that is bad, have you seen the new fried appetizers at TGIFriday's!! Fried macaroni and cheese, fried green beans, GROSS!
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Thanks for the good news! I am calling up for a RX refill. I could use a mood boost of my own.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKittenwtw
That is wonderful news! I've only been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now, but I've been there with depression and did get a bad side affect. Luckily I overcame it, but it's very encouraging to know that Zoloft does work for some.
Keep bouncing!
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercol

You people are the biggest losers I have ever seen. I cannot believe you would actually encourage Monica (no I’m not her “pal”) that this is ok. If you take Zoloft you are all fucking idiots. Sure. You are getting positive effects at first. But just like a giant credit card you will be paying back those effects principal plus interest.

I think all of you need more logic and discipline in your life. Psychiatrists are criminals. Think about it. What financial reason is their for you to get "better"? If you said it’s a matter of doctors ethics and the relationship think again. Anyone knows where these "ethics" (outside of the state of Utah) are headed.

Seeing the Psychiatrist (aka witch doctor) and taking pills are only the beginning. I know this from personal experience with both one family member and my ex-fiancée. Someone that to this day, several years after the fact. I love and care deeply about more than words can say.

My cousin was a literal genius. Too smart for his own good it would seem. His IQ was pushing well into 150. That’s right. WELL INTO 150. Don’t believe me? Fuck you. He’s in a full blown mental institution. And on every pill invented by science for so called “mental disorders” (bullshit). How did it start? Well, he had always been somewhat “housey” you might even call it very very minor Agoraphobia. He still went out allot but seemed to be more at place in the house, reading, writing, TV, video games, etc) by age 19 he was “a little depressed”. My Aunt and Uncle (both are rich) took him to a “psychologist” who diagnosed him with “mild depression’ and “dissociation disorder” (whatever that hell is).

Zoloft was issued. One pill led to another. And another “new” diagnosis. And another. And more medication. And another “new” diagnosis. All the way to full flown paranoid schizophrenia it is a very long story, way to much to explain or recount. Over the next 7 years he went through dozens of doctors and medications – all cashing in – over time he became legally INSANE. He is now in a state mental hospital. A white minority state mental hospital. I can’t get into what goes on at this state hospital because it’s too graphic. My aunt and uncle have spent upwards of 1 million dollars in “treatment”. Now they have given up and it’s in the governments hands. It’s too late. He is gone. He was destroyed. And guess what? You could take any person – any person - and put them in the exact same situation and the same thing would happen to them. Even me for that matter. With enough meds anything is possible.

The story is far less with my ex fiancée but she went to about 6 so called “therapists” over the years. She was an artist and modern dancer (it’s a dance style) and (like everyone else in the studio) she was already diagnosed with Bulimia.

I swear its those fucking black leotards.

Medication included Zoloft, Lithium, Prozac, and then Paxil (I have no idea how they got that “diagnosis” she was a social person already). I’m not going to go into it. But today she’s out of dance and ended up FAR below her potential. Not on any more meds though. Thank God.

Here in Los Angeles (Hollywood) they opened a stunning museum called “Psychiatry and Industry of Death”. I cannot even being to tell you the effect it had on me. I will provide the link to this and the videos on it on another post. One of my clients associates informed me about the opening last year and I attended. It was funded the church of Scientology (Tom Cruise attended) so needless to say Psychiatric related professions were not too thrilled about it. Aside from the event itself I even got to meet and exchange some words with Danny Masterson. The guy is awesome. There were other celebes and influential people their lending support (and money) as well.

Why did I even get interested in this blog? Oh yes. I was looking up information on Mormonism and this site was listed...
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
:o) great!!! hope every morning and day has been like today for you, keep smiling woman!!!
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
I'm so happy you're feeling better.

Best wishes!

September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermm
Is that Michael dude for real? Or is it Tom Cruise using a pseudonym? Glad to hear you're feeling better. Now post some funny shit already!
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJib
i have to believe that "michael" was attempting to be funny.....
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusan
good news Monica....I know the the sun finally has come out. Colours are brighter, smells are sweeter, sound is clearer. Life is a gift again.

Michael - have you ever suffered from depression?
Have you ever woken up and started crying for no reason? Been unable to get out of bed? Spent days walking around with that tightness in your chest, that lump in your throat and that welling in your eyes - that feeling you get just before you collapse sobbing? An overwhelming, suffocating, all encompassing sadness that comes and goes without warning? And even though you sit there, through the tears and dark thoughts, and logically, rationally try to identify and evaluate what has made you feel like that... nothing helps? You say to yourself....on paper I know my life is pretty good, I'm one of the lucky ones in this why in the hell am I feeling like this? And then suddenly it goes and everything is OK again. So, you get up, you get on with things and then, without warning....its a thick heavy fog and suddenly you're lying in bed, sobbing again, without knowing why.

You cannot possibly know how that feels.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersfh
You know, I was just humming "Bittersweet Symphonmy" myself - probably because I was singing it loudly and drunkenly on the way back from the Marah show Saturday night. Great tune.

I think I might court some depression if Zoloft works for weight loss. Whoo-wee!

(I'm kidding, people, don't lecture me,'kay? But I'm dead serious about The Verve tune.)
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
You my dear are some good shit Monica! Glad to hear you are finally feeling the effects of being the good shit that you are! I am smiling right along with you...
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
If I had won the writing contest I was going to choose "Bittersweet Symphony" as the cover in my setlist. Great to hear you're feeling better. Heading into an NYC autumn/winter would've sucked.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg
Jib. Yes dude I am for real. Look it up on the internet.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
That is such wonderful news.

The thought of you walking around with a bounce in your step makes me feel so happy for you.

Toasting to many days like this...

September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKDS
Uh oh, Xenu is not happy with Mrs. Bielanko.

Better go get those thetan levels checked.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg

You have got to be kidding me. Everyone has had bad times. Including me. Yea I've been bummed (to say the least). You can ether choose to pull yourself out of it by your bootstraps or you can wallow in self pity. If you take psychoactive drugs you will pay the piper later. And you will pay every last emotional "cent” sfh with interest.

These drugs are not party drugs like crypee, rufees, X or coke. They are truly dangerous because they change the chemistry of your brain. You will feel awesome at first. And then it starts demanding interest payments. These drugs are not even proven to "solve" your depression. That’s fact. When Prozac was first issued 50% of the subjects got better off a placebo. How do you explain that? Answer – they were not clinically depressed on the first place.

If you dwell on your problems they will grow. Psychiatrists don’t make money if you are well. That’s a fact. And yes – I don’t like most psychologists.

It seems you are pretty mired in your (self made) depression. Buck up and take some responsibility for yourself. Perhaps before you start, you should study the other side of the story. Scientology is a little weird, but they have a fantastic argument against the psychiatric industry and a solution for most peoples “depression”. I can almost promise you it will work – but here’s the catch you have to get all the nutrients they tell you to and put in the time, the discipline and the effort.

September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Michael, Sometimes people's problems are of their own making, Sometimes they are the making of their circumstances, Sometimes they are the making of their biology. Sometimes people take responsibility for and exert some level of control over their own lives and sometimes they choose to blame all of their problems or bad outcomes on something/someone else. It could be that the world, the pharmeceutical industry and the profession of psychiatry was conspiring against your cousin and ex-fiance, or it could be that they had legitimate mental illnesses. I would tend towards the latter. The fact that they felt compelled to keep seeking treatment despite all of these terrible outcomes you describe means they probably felt that whatever they were suffering without the treatment was much worse. I truly think it is a shame that they, you and those close to them have had undergo such difficulty because of that.
However, perhaps it hasn't reached you yet that anecdotal evidence isn't actually legitimate evidence at all, you know, in the scientific sense. Just because you knew two people with mental illnesses that weren't 'cured' by psychiatrists or medicine, doesn't mean that it is all bunk. Everyone knows that Dr's, Psychiatrists included, are not miracle workers and can't diagnose or solve every problem, but we also know that there is absolutely no empirical or scientific evidence to support anything that Tom Cruise and the Scientologists spew out. You can adopt the name, but if your theory can't undergo the test of the methods, you just don't have a leg to stand on.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLucia's Dream
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
And what solutions do you have!? Taking drugs? My position is very clear.You have a very circular and elaborate explaination that is mired in your personal experience with depression; in which you fail to see the bigger picture at work. Keep it up and see where it gets you.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Michael, you will have to actually provide scientifically based and credible sources. We have all seen uneducated, uniformed laymen spewing out their theories on everything under the sun. I have said nothing of drugs or depression. Your scientology funded "not-for-profit" group saying something doesn't make it viable. Further, your talk of paying the piper is not based on anything even remotely resembling science. It is your opinion. You have absolutely no basis for stating this with any type of certainty. As I said, one person's experience does not equal medical fact. Not one reputable scientific establishment or journal has ever corroborated anything that Scientology has claimed. So please, get a grip.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLucia's Dream
So happy you're feeling better!!
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHales
BTW: Congratulations, Monica! I think it is wonderful that you are feeling better.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLucia's Dream
I’m not going to spend 3 weeks dissecting statistics to prove anything to you. I would not call the The Citizens Commission on Human Rights an “uneducated” organization. Their “theories” are backed up by staggering numbers. Go to the website and look at it. Better yet come to the museum in LA next time you are in town. I will take you on a personal tour. I guarantee you will leave in tears.

You didn’t have to say anything. Zoloft is a drug. A drug used for depression.

Saying the non-profit CCHR information is not “viable” without even looking at it? That’s your OPINION. After all you just saw the group today but you already know whether they are legitimate or not. Right.

Paying the piper is a metaphor. It’s just like when you get shit faced drunk and wake up the next day in a hangover hating life. Have you been living under a rock for the past 25 years? Hell yes it’s backed up by science. Dopamine and Sertatonin levels are boosted in the brain by these psychoactive drugs. The body then attempts to correct itself as it returns to what is called “homeostasis” and you feel the low. This is all scientific fact. Zoloft affects your brains chemical balance. This is scientific fact

I never said “one person’s experiance equals medical fact”. I just happen to have personal experiance in this matter.

Get a grip? You must not be a very good friend and/or extremely short sighted person that you would congratulate someone (hint hint) for taking “Zoloft” as if that was a big step forward....? Moron!

September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
Monica -- Anything that makes you feel less like sobbing into the floor is a GOOD thing. Kudos for taking action.

To those of you who question/argue with Michael -- stop being so glib! He's CLEARLY done the research...
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterwebchic

I'm say you stumbled on this site while looking up Mormonism. Considering a switch from one cultish religion to another? Or were you looking for the lowdown on how to get your own state, just like the LDS folks?

Tell Tom and Katie we say hi. Oh, and let Katie know that the only reason I'll ever re-watch "the Gift" is to see her boobies flopping around.

Take your Scientology bullshit elsewhere. Thank you.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons

(just to get it from the Horse's mouth)
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdu_dragons
Monica - That is wonderful that things are looking up for you. Thanks for writing about your experience on this site. Your writing is inspiring me to go see my doctor.
September 14, 2006 | Registered CommenterErinS
Du_Dragons - I like the form and substance of your response. Unfortunately, there always seem to be people who prefer to use diatribes instead of fact based, rational discourse.
September 14, 2006 | Registered CommenterErinS
Ha! I'm not in the Church of Scientology. I just agree with thier position. But yes I am considering Mormonism. Which I dont care to discuss it with the likes of you. And yes I was looking for lowdown on getting my own state. How did you know that? 8).
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
after whole convesation above, I will repeat loudly, keep smiling woman!!! best regards...
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
Michael - if I felt like dealing with your blinkered myopic insights into my life then I'd probably give you my blog address so you can read about how I have suffered through and dealt with depression. But I think I'll limit my dealings with you to here. (Apologies Monica)

My depression was never caused by specific, identifiable 'problems' - depression isn't that black and white. Clinical depression isn't caused by 'problems' or events, it is caused by a chemical imbalance which needs correcting. The initial trigger for that chemical imbalance can be a number of things - both chemical and emotional - but it is still a chemcial imbalance that needs to be corrected so people can function well enough to take the next step.

I spent years denying I had a problem, years exercising and eating obsessively healthy meals thinking that if my body was healthy then my mind would be too...the result was that I wound up with a thyroid condition, cholesterol so low that I couldn't produce enough progesterone to have a normal menstrual cycle and finally almost a total endocrinal meltdown earlier this year. So PLEASE do not tell me that nice grilled chicken salad and a walk in the fresh air is going to fix my depression.

If you take a look at a hormone pathway chart you'll see just how complicated the body's chemistry is and how if one of those chemicals gets out of whack for whatever, there are often cascading effects. Frankly, I think Monica's problem is not as straight forward as just just depression - I strongly suspect it is related to being eostrogen dominant which is why she also suffers so badly from PMT.

However, how Monica chooses to deal with this is up to her and her doctor(s) but she sure isn't going to be able to find or address any underlying issues or causes whilst she's lying in bed bawling for no reason and telling The Surge she hates him. So if this helps her get up and get on track then good bloody on her.

September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersfh
Buncha suckers! Taking anti-depression pill WILL have nasty side effects. Stop encouraging this, please!

"...the FDA released a public health warning. This warning indicates that anyone currently using Zoloft for any reason has a greater chance of exhibiting suicidal thoughts or behaviors regardless of age." (Wikipedia)

"Phill Hartman was murdered by his wife Brynn on May 28, 1998, in his Encino, California home, at the age of 49. As he slept, Hartman was shot twice in the head with a revolver he had given to Brynn as a gift. A few hours later, after she confessed to a friend, Ron Douglas, Brynn committed suicide with a shot to the head using a second revolver while police were removing Phil's children from the house.The drugs Zoloft was found in Brynn's system." (Wikipedia)

And quit yappin' about Tom Cruise, that joke is gettin' old.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterYour God
So happy for you. I have gained thirty pounds since I went on effexor several years ago. Maybe I need to try zoloft. Just hate to mess with the meds now that I feel so good.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren H
Michael, I suffered a breakdown after suffering from panic attacks for 8 years (since 14 yrs old) I was really unable to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" - I'm afraid its not that simple and it shows that you lack some understanding of depression/anxiety.

Monica its good that you are feeling better, whilst you are feeling happy I'd say now is the time to treat yourself and look after yourself - I recommend reflexology, homeopathy and perhaps hypnotherapy. Also please ask your doctor how easy it is to come off zoloft as I am having problems with the medication I am on and am having to reduce the dosage very very slowly.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKazza
Sorry about the psychos that comment on here. Can you block them? Especially Michael.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren H
I take serious issue with claims made in the name of "science" that have absolutely no scientific backing or soundness.
First, the FDA has not made a statement that there is definitive proof regarding suicidal thoughts regardless of age. They have issued a statement that there is a link in pediatric cases and have recently released a statement that they are 'investigating' claims that there may be a link for adults as well.

Lots of things are investigated and not proven to be true. I do not know if they will find evidence suggesting the link is true or not. However, I do know that they have not yet confirmed that link.

Further, Phil Hartman's wife was found with a number of drugs in her system: alcohol, cocaine and zoloft. This makes it extremely difficult to suggest that it was strictly the zoloft that 'set her off'. While it is not impossible that Zoloft led her to feelings of mania or 'akisthesia' that may have contributed to her actions, it has not been proven that Zoloft was the sole cause of her murder/suicide.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLucia Dreamer
The Phil Hartman argument is really ugly. The man was killed by his wife who struggled with drug and alcohol addiction and somebody is using it to impugn Zoloft? Pretty nasty.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg
fat ass? i was just over at your flickr stuff. no way, mon.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterghost
I can block folks.. and I've done so in the past when they're rude about family members or fellow commenters... If Michael keeps his comments fairly clean and argues his points against depression meds, I'm cool with that. I actually enjoy reading opposite points of view. It's entertaining and sometimes informative.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
wow. i forgot what i was even going to say.

umm, comment-drama is the highest form of flattery?

well, i mean that - getting people engaged like this rocks!

September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterrosie
Michael's comments, while quite reactionary, stand-offish and eager to cite sources that are hardly objective, are at least authentic and honest. Glad you're not banning. While his skepticism is not totally without some merit, I don't beleive he is ackowledging the broad spectrum and different levels of depressive feelings that exist. He clamors about big pictures, yet blithely ingores the well established fact that some people simply cannot overcome certain mental disorders without medication. Yes some anti-depressants are probably over-prescribed. Yes a lot of alternative methods can have great effect in mitigating depression also. But categorical statements about something as complex as the human brain and the resulting feelings and behaviors that manifest from its chemistry is just silly.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg

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