Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Toilet Paper Treaty

The battle is over and I am declared victorious. Take that you toilet paper usin' and abusin' motherfucker! You thought I would capitulate on Saturday morning, didn't you? You thought I would give in when I was scouring the sink and the toilet. Oh yes. You sat there on the bed, all smug-like, reading your New York Times. Whilst I sprayed and scrubbed, you pretended like you weren't closely watching to see what I would do. And then you made your way to the bathroom, probably presuming that during my bathroom cleaning endeavors I had slid the forlorn little cardboard tube off the metal thingamajig and replaced it with a fresh roll of Quilted Northern.

But you were wrong, dude! I left it there for you because I'll be goddamned if I was going to change it again. Sure it only takes twenty seconds. Well, there was that one time when I was drunk and had to change it with fumbling, sweating fingers. It took a few tries but even then I managed it in under a minute. But you. You! You seem not to notice the empty roll dangling there, nary a shred of toilet paper to be found clinging to the cardboard. Oh, you had no trouble opening a new roll of toiletpaper. No problemo. You must have been in there a good, half hour. Plenty of time to read five or six articles in the New York Post and tear open that fresh package of toilet paper. But apparently there was no time to slide that new roll of TP onto the thing. Instead you sat the fresh roll on the back of the toilet where it could fall into the toilet at any time! Must've just forgot to change the roll, right? Forgot my ass. I'm onto you mister.

Our toilet paper impasse continued into Sunday. That morning, when nature called I again saw that empty cardboard roll mocking me from it's vantage point next to the toilet. In my sleepy haze I automatically began to remove the tube - even got so far as to release the cylinder toilet paper holder from it's home. That was your plan, wasn't it? But I'm wise to you, you wily son-of-a-gun.
"Well played". I chuckled to myself. You almost had me. I very nearly fell right into your little toilet paper trap. Almost. But you have to wake up pret-ty early in the morning to pull the wool (or toilet paper as the case may be) over these discerning baby blues. And then I one-upped you. Instead of taking the mature, adult route and just replacing the empty cardboard roll already I slid the empty tube back on the cylinder and clipped it into place. It's all about principles, buddy. I used a liberal amount of the TP you left sitting haphazardly on the back of the toilet and put that roll on the floor.
"Checkmate, motherfucker."

This morning I anxiously waited for you to finish your daily constitutional and leave for the gym. With great trepidation I stepped onto the battlefield we call a bathroom in reconnaissance for the toilet paper carnage that surely awaited. And what to my wondering eyes did appear? A fresh roll of toilet paper is hanging proudly from the silver cylinder, flapping gently - a white flag of peace. Sure the toilet paper is unrolling from the bottom instead of the top like it's supposed to! But I am still declaring victory. One small step for womankind, one giant leap for Monica.

Reader Comments (27)

Best thing you've ever written. Killin me.

"Well played."
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSicksadworld
My roommate and I have similar battles. This weekend's battle consisted of who would actually buy the toilet paper since there was NONE in the house. I used a whole box of Puffs Plus in its place. Funny post!
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
hahah! good one...
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
do you know something about toilet seat? that's my lyrics
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
My old roommate and I used to have similar stand-offs about taking out the garbage. That got really, really unsanitary. I swear to God she took it out maybe five times in two years. Congrats on your domestic victory.
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCover Your Mouth
In my house, it's 4 against 1. I never,ever,ever,ever win.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Awesome! And I also like it to hang the "right" way like you do.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertori
You do a great job of making marriage seem like a living hell. I feel better about being single and living alone every time I read your blog. I thank you for that.
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMike
LOL that is so great! I try to have plenty of tp within arms reach of both toilets in my house!
I hate it when people find the toilet paper, but won't put it on the plastic thingy holder! They will just sit the new roll on top of it! Ok i am guilty of it too! LOL
Very funny Monica!
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJen
I am one against six kids, and a husband... I am the ONLY person who does the toilet roll changing. The one time I didn't my twins put 3 rolls of toilet paper in the toilet and tried flushing it. ugggh
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie
I do not such a problem anymore since I have my own bathroom that I have to share with a cat. I do have the battle with replacing the paper towels. My roomate will not do it! it will sit on the counter till I change it. Come to think of it, he will not replace the trash bag either! Thank you for the laugh Monica.
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKittenwtw
Oh. My. Goodness. My sides hurt from laughing so hard. This is a male epidemic my dear. My husband is guilty of the same.
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterfancythis
My wife once let me go 1 week without replacing the soap in the shower. She finally had a nervous breakdown and screamed at me while putting a new bar of soap inside the little shelf holder. She wanted an explanation of how I was washing. Well I said.....isn't shampoo sort of like soap. She was pissed.
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNOSOAPFORYOUWALDO
The bizarre and slightly frightening thing about all this is: I didn't hang the roll, yo! And YOU left the back window open all night so Max could roll in the grass and pee. AND...there is a muddy bootprint underneath the window!

I'll be at a hotel tonight. G'luck baby.

September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersurge

If the holder's frame is square, pop it out of the wall and put it back in sideways.

Or don't. You're the one who has to listen to her : )
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBob
Oh-My-God! That was great! I still can't stop laughing! You're the winner, Monica! Congratulations!!!
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKate
That was awesome. Too funny.
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermm
My husband is also guilty of this crime! I purposely leave the TP of the holder and he always puts it on wrong, but hey I guess beggars can't be choosers!
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterohthedrama
Wait a minute...if Monica didn't replace the TP and the Surge denies his 'roll' (groan) in the matter, who did it? Unless that Max is even more of a wonder dog than I thought...seems like we have a little bathroom mystery on our hands.
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPurr Meow
That's some funny shit (another moan).

Living alone I can do whatevah I want-- sometimes the tp is on the counter, sometimes on the floor, sometimes just resting atop the spool. I think that might give Monica a stroke!
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
My attention was raised with the man and 70lb dog in bed scenario, then my suspicions were really roused with the morning caffeine direct injection routine. (SOmethign as a non coffee drinker I just don't understand) But now, now I'm convinced....We're married to the same man. Only now we've got two bathrooms and so finally, I too, have won....His daily ablutions are confined to the back one where, there is an empty roll on the spool and half a dozen empty rolls scattered around the bathroom. I refuse to do anything about it. I have my roll, on the spool, unwinding from the top. And that's all I need!
September 26, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersfh
Oh my god that was funny. I can't use toiletpaper that unrolls from the bottom either. Why is that a fairly well known female thing, yet men could care less? Weird.
September 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
people still use toilet paper? aint that something. man.
September 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
I personally have resorted to using leaves this time of year. Much cheaper. You get over the abrasiveness after awhile.
September 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug
FIABUG! She's back, people.

Xmastime - have you watched the "One Amazing Horse" vid in Link Park yet? Dammit! Do it NOW!
September 27, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonica
hahaha awesome! dude gets beer outta the fridge, answers the wonder these "equine entrepeneuers" don't need a woman... ;)
September 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime
I live w/ two girls... I am ALWAYS changing that thing.. they leave the new one on top of the toilet.. funny thing is they bought one of those stupid cutesy signs that says "changing the toilet paper roll will not cause brain damage"....



September 27, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChuebe

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