Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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I Want To Know About...

Your libido. Because mine is terrible. I know I can pretend to be fantastically sexual, fool you all with my aMAZing sex life but I don't want to pretend for you. I don't want to pretend for my husband. Truth is, I suck. And not the kind of suck that The Surge wishes I would undertake on a semi-regular basis. I know, I know. You're all reeling from the shock of discovering I'm not a love machine. I've racked my brain in an effort to discover whether my lousy libido is simply hormonal or due to the fucked-upness that directly stems from my pious Mormon upbringing. I just don't know.

Admitting you aren't a rock star in the sack is no small feat. Millions of people exaggerate their sex life, the size of their penis, how many times they do it a week and so forth. I find my husband immensly attractive. Not only that, I adore the man to pieces, I really do. Except for when I hate him and want to kick him in the balls. But those instances are few and far between these days. I have settled into being his wife. OhMyGod I'm a wife! A wife? When did I become a wife? June Cleaver was a wife. Interestingly, I can't picture June fucking Ward senseless so maybe it's a proper wifely duty NOT to give it up? Just kidding. June probably had a closet full of whips, chains and bustiers. Regardless of the shock that zings my body when I realize I am a wife and almost thirty, (thirty?? holy shit I'm almost thirty!) I enjoy being in this relationship. I see our future together and I like it. I picture The Surge with our children and it makes me smile. I can't wait to bore you senseless with zillions of baby photos. All in good time.

The Surge and I, we communicate better than anyone I've ever been with. I am not afraid to tell him anything. He knows everything about me. Everything. Even my sexual dysfunction. He understands me, he listens to me and only complains about my complaining when we're in one of those brutal fights during which I've probably thrown my wedding ring at him. For the most part we tango through life tripping each other up but generally catching up with the rhythm within minutes. Or hours. Okay sometimes days and by then a different song is playing but we usually figure it out.

But when it comes to activities in the boudoir, I am still an uptight little Mormon girl. Most of the time. I need to know I'm not alone. I hate myself for not being the wife The Surge deserves. I want to rock his rock'n'roll world. I know I do, for the most part... I make him laugh, I surprise him with my knowledge, he likes to read this here blog... Yet when it comes to sex, much of the time I end up feeling guilty or foolish, like an actor. I fold into myself. Origami girl. Don't touch me. I feel weird. I want to lose myself in the moment, not think about it. I wanna get freaky, yo! Yet, unless I've smoked a joint, most of the time I am hyper aware and can't let go

I remember one night, I was high on The Pot and began ogling The Surge with "The Look".. The Look that says I want to brutally fuck you and I'm going to do it right now! He likes that look. I remember making out with him on our couch, high school style, for what felt like hours.
"I finally feel like myself. Like, when I'm high all that weird sex bullshit that buzzes around my head is gone and I can be who I really am." I said to him between tongue battle.
"Don't say that." he said.
"Because you need to feel like yourself when you aren't high."
The sageness of this sentence struck me like a fist and then haunted me for days. Why can't I feel natural, like myself during sex??

I've been told by former lovers that I ooze sex appeal. Now, I don't know whether that's true but I do know that I know how to act sexy, I just don't know how to seal the deal in the bedroom. Well, I know how to do that too - I just don't know how to relax and feel okay and not weird about it, oh say, three times a week? Is that the right number?

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Reader Comments (32)

Sex on the brain.. Not me. I am unable to do it unless I am in a committed relationship. Am I crazy? Lots and lots of offers from perfectly f*ckable men yet I cannot go there.

I have had my share of problems, hang ups, whatever. I was lucky to have an understanding partner who as patient with me for 11 years we were together.

It will click for you, Mrs B. Do not worry!
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkittenwtw
I think that lots of women feel like you at at least one point in a relationship. You're definitely not alone.
I'm not sure I understood you right. Do you physically feel like you want to have sex but your thoughts,upbringing, etc. ruin it for you? Or is it physical too? If it's also physical, maybe you can take some vitamins and exercise. It could also be hormonal. You should ask a doctor about it.
The psychological part you mentioned is a lot more complicated. Maybe you can see a therapist about that. But don't stress about it too much, it'll only make it worse. Since you're in the loving relationship that you described, your husband will understand.
Also, I think there is no right number. Just whatever feels right to every couple and this number can change during the course of their relationship as the circumstances in their lives change.
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBeg2Defer
Does is really matter what 'normal' is? Does it really matter how many times a week or month or whatever you readers are doing it? It's not about anyone else. It's about YOU and what it's going to take for you to to give yourself permission to enjoy sex. I'm not sure exactly what the issue is, so it's hard to gicve advice, but have you tried therapy, regular exercise, yelling loudly a the moon?
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercitywendy
I am not going to recommend therapy...the reason I am not is because I am a 'normal' woman that likes sex with her husband that has no hang ups from her upbringing but I feel the exact same things as you do!

I feel guilty because I don't have enough sex with my husband...we have sex about three times a week...if we hit four he makes a big deal about it like it is a makes me feel guilty. And if I have had a nice cosy amount of vodka...or wine...I am a sex machine with no inhibitions. He will make the occasional comment like, 'we need to get you some more wine...' accompanied with 'the look.' I just wish I could be that person all of the time for him.

Maybe I am fucked up too or maybe we are both pretty normal as women go....
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
I completely agree with citywendy. Your 'normal' is different from others 'normal'. You just have to work it out on your own although it does bite the big one to hear some couples brag about their fabulous sex life. One of two things are going on there: they're either exaggerating or their relationship totally sucks so they're focusing on the wrong issue.
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I could write a book about the sexual problems I've had! I was sexually abused twice as a child and suffered with my sexuality for years. Thankfully I didn't have any religion fucking me up about sex on top of all that!

I can really relate to feeling weird and not letting go. But after years with the same partner, the deep trust needed was there and sex became truly awesome. Now we're just too bloody tired to make the moves on each other because our youngest child doesn't sleep well yet. A friend of ours just got a vasectomy after 3 kids and was told he needed to cum 5 times until it would be safe to have sex unprotected and he was laughing and said " Christ, that's a year-long project for us!"

When we do actually get around to having sex (can take weeks but then we tend to make up for lost time) it just gets better and better. Even though we've been together for over 11 years we still find each other incredibly sexually attractive and it has never been boring because as we develop and change so does our sex life. I would never have thought this possible 11 years ago.(Yes, he could be getting his jollies on the side, couldn't we all, but my poor husband has no time or energy for that)

Since coming to Austria I've learnt to try and live in rhythm with my own cycle and the moon. Sounds weird but for Austrians it's completely normal for them to get their hair cut, garden, clean, have operations,wean their babies etc according to the moon's cycle. This is very old knowledge and very important for women. Women are cyclic like the moon. Our menstrual cycle is normally the same as a monthly cycle of the moon. If you start to pay attention to your mood and feelings you'll notice that of course before ovulation(which is usually with the full moon or dark moon) you're full of energy, strong, active and normally very interested in sex. After ovulation and just before their periods, women nowdays tend to be snotty, irritable, tired and generally feeling pissed off all the time. In ancient times the women didn't have to work so much that week, but were left to themselves, to rest, meditate, be alone and really "go into themselves spiritually". They believed this was the time for introspection and learning. Just as the moon grows big and strong, then wanes, so do women. So no big hassles with pms like today! Anyway, the point of all this, is that maybe if we would respect a woman's cycle more and not expect her to want sex non-stop but actually only about maximum 2 weeks each month, women like Monica wouldn't be feeling so stink. Then again, if even one week of the month is asking for too much, I can't help you Monica!
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen
I think it can be also hard for women to know who they are sexually in our society...I mean, I know we had the sexual revolution and women have been 'liberated' so that we can now have as many one night stands as men do (and I'm not neccessarily saying that is a bad thing..)...but the thing is that our sexuality is still male-defined. I don't think that we have yet had the space as woman to discover, explore and understand what REALLY makes us sexual. It wasn't that long ago that society didn't acknowledge that a woman even had a sex drive. And now I feel that our sexuality is caught up in a whole lot of stereotypes, body image, pressure and often subconscious internalisation of societies messages. No wonder it is hard to figure out. Anyway, I'm not saying that this is the truth for you Monica, just adding another strand to the discussion...
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
Depression can really impair your libido. Maybe things will be better once you have been on your meds for awhile. Try to work on it because there are tons of little whores out there who will rock Surges world to pieces.
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkaren h
I know exactly what you are saying and feeling.

I was brought up in a strict religious family. I also cannot get out of my head and let go during sex. I know all the actions, I'm told I'm very good in bed, but - its all an act, and isn't real for me. I have never orgasmed - something I figure is for the same reason - I can't let go enough to enjoy it.

I have thought about it a lot, and have also, through talking to friends, found that I'm not the only person who feels like this. I always thought that once I found a person that I a) trusted enough to marry and b) that I did actually marry (which I haven't yet) that the psycological issues would disappear.

Lately though, I have been thinking that perhaps it is more a control issue. I don't trust anyone enough to let go of the control I have so strongly on myself.

I don't know the answer, I don't know why it happens or if I'll ever be able to fix it, but I do know I'm not alone.

And therefore, neither are you.

September 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
'Try to work on it because there are tons of little whores out there who will rock Surges world to pieces.'

Sorry, not trying to start an argument but I really don't think this is the best need to go down that path Monica..
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
"tons of little whores that will rock surge's world to pieces". I get that maybe your trying to be helpful and funny but that's a terrible thing to say.

Monica, it sounds like all your issues are related. Maybe you've psyched yourself out and that's affected your physiology. I know it's a cliche but maybe some therapy would help you work out your attitude toward sex. That's not something you can work out on your own. Sounds to me like you understand why you feel messed up, now you just need some tools to help you get over it. If your husband really loves you, he'll work it out with you "little whores" or no.
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Whoa. I was not trying to be funny or callous. Just stating a fact. Get real people and come out of your little fantasy worlds.
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkaren h
"The Surge" is pretty sexy.. I wouldn't mind stepping in.
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMe
Um, whoa! I forgot to say, since you asked, that my boyfriend's lucky if he gets it once during the weekdays and once on the weekend. Don't feel too bad :)
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Just stumbled onto your little blog here. Interesting stuff. Not to be mean but I have to agree wiht the girl who said he'll get it somewhere else. Weather now or later, eventually he will. It's the way it works. Trust me.
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWidget80
'Not to be mean but I have to agree wiht the girl who said he'll get it somewhere else. Weather now or later, eventually he will. It's the way it works. Trust me.'

Sorry but I don't trust you on this. I get being cynical about men's ability to commit but I really don't think it means that every man will cheat on their partner if they aren't getting sex a certain number of times a me blind or idealistic or whatever but I think that there are relationships that are bigger than this...I have been cheated on but I still believe this and have seen relationships that prove me right. Please don't take this crap on board Monica - it is way too destructive and simply NOT TRUE to think that unless you become a sex kitten/porn star/nymphomanic that your husband will cheat
September 4, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteramy dee
amy dee I completely agree with you!!! give me five! :)

Monica, 3 times a week sounds good :) even 1 or 2 or 7 times a week, I guess:)
what I try to say that issues staff or good sex is importent thing between two people who loves each other but it's not very very very importent (hmmm? anyway not to everyone)...and depends how you or your partner feel not in general but at the time being close...
me,hmm I've got the same problem and I'm glad you've been written about it, now I need to cook this myself as well, thinking of 3 times a week:) as well...
but after long houres at work or after hard day it's gonna be challenging to be sex kitten...
god! I remmembered the days when me & my partner (I'm scare to death become a wife staid in bed all day long
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
continue.... god! I remmembered the days when me & my partner (I'm scare to death become a wife but that's a different story) staid in bed all day long, wanna these days back:) but real life could be cruel and that's why I or my partner need to be patient and forgiving sometimes... I think two people learn and explore each other all life long and we change ourselves so everything is before and we will have time to find it...first step is to find "this right person", I guess you, Monika, did, right? so now you can only work on goal fact me too:)
I'm sorry for this written chaos, I better go back to work:) best regards
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterana
You are a child of the media world -- the sex-sells, sex-tittilates, sex-sex-sex-sex media world. Combine that with how you were raised, throw in a dash of I-am-woman-hear-me-roar feminism, not to mention the way sex and women are portrayed in rock music, and no wonder it is all too much to bear. Sex is in the clothes you wear, the tv you watch, the music you listen to. It's in the advertising, the news, the movies, the food. Sex sells, so everything you buy is tainted with it. About the only time you are really free from anything sexual is when you are walking your dog. Then again, you have that dog park flasher -- so maybe not even then! Therefore, give yourself a break. A sex break, if you will.

Marriage is all about compromise and the sex part of marriage is no exception. You sometimes do for and to your partner even when you'd rather not because you want to give him that rush, fulfill the need he has and that's ok. He knows when to because that is what will make you feel better and that's ok, too. Sometimes you aren't in sync with each other, intellectually, physically, emotionally and/or sexually. It seems easier to handle all the other 'ally's but the sex one and that is for all the reasons mentioned in the beginning of this post.

Keep a sense of humor about it, don't think too hard or too much, stay away from the stupid drama our society places on all of it and uh, keep the porn/vibrators handy for the solo release as needed. That's what I prescribe.

September 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjls
Monica, there was a great show on last night about sex therapy with about 3 different couples, and they follow them into the bedroom with "assignments" for all the different issues--it was interesing, I didn't catch the name of it if anyone knows it was a reality show of some sort.
I came from a fairly strict religious background as well and after the repudiation of those values and some wild times, still had to get to what I liked--it's almost easier to just be in opposition to something.
I'm sure you'll work it out, and isn't the biggest complaint with zoloft etc, a lack of sex drive? One thing at a time maybe. Good luck with everything,
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercb
You are so normal! Every girl I know has had "issues" at one time or another. I have had them all, and then some. I don't know if it was an age thing with me or what, but it worked out. I do it when I want to and don't when I don't (I think it's hormonal) and I have no guilt anymore.

I still have less inhibitions when I am drinking, but hell who doesn't. Crazy drunk sex is the best!

Let the guilt go. That will kill libido worse than any thing else. He loves you, you are married, there is no rush.
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersimplechaos
'Let's talk about sex, baybee...' Wow, everyone's so different, I think it's impossible to give advice. For me, sometimes sex is the only opportunity for me to 'let go' and just lose myself. Just enjoying the physicality of it all, and not thinking about all the other pressures (need I list them... they're infinite...) seems to help in being swept away.

I strongly agree that you can't really generalize about one's sex life because it's going to be such a unique thing for each person. Frequency doesn't necessarily mean a rewarding experience, and sex doesn't always mean intercourse with the mutual orgasm, no? That damn Depression will really mess with your libido, fer shure, and the SSRIs will also make themselves known.

Personally, I think the hours-long make-out session is largely underrated! That's great sex (oral!).
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
I have to warn if there are woman reading the comment if mine. It deals on the sex.
In my country, in the seventies, it was not bad to watch a porn. In eighties a porn was bad like the devil, like America they would say. I had to move to a country in Europe for the porn , but of course not only that. Hahaha. It was a joke.
I just want to say that a woman that does good sex is welcome to all man, of every religion, even if the dictator is against it with the dead penaltys. But without that a woman is still to enjoy, and still nice to love. I still like my wife and she never sleeps with the bed anymore with me. I have a cd rom with the big tit stars (mega boobs olympics )and it helps me better than the prostitut even. I always love my wife, as long as she cooks nice kabab koobideh and the house is clean.
I like this blog much.
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHamad Al Khalifa
You DO ooze sex appeal, but that's not the same thing as feeling comfortable with yourself when the clothes are off and the door is closed. Sexual identity is such a fluid thing, and so precarious. You are a vibrant, incredible young woman, with a tremendous capacity for uninhibited self-expression. Perhaps because you can be SO honest and forthright in some situations - communicating with us here, and with The Surge, that you feel extremely frustrated sometimes in other situations - say....socially and sexually.

Real sex between two people that love each other is hardly effortless or perfectly synchronous at all times. Frustration with the self, anger turned inward (depression), mixed up with a tidy dose of perfectionism and worry worry worry about what other people thought of me, used to be my recipe for frustration and inhibition sexually, and in just about every other arena.

The recipe that solves this riddle is unique to every woman, but I think the univeral elements would be conscious work, love, time and surrendering the certain feeling that we can actually control anything outside ourselves, and the present moment.

The ultimate slap in the face is that aging (Ugh! The Ultimate Fear!) is the only thing that seems to ameliorate the tensions of being young and oozing sex appeal. It's a stange existence, this.
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkatherine
Whoa! Married to a rocker? Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll! Well, if there's one thing we know about rockers is that they can't live without number 1! Shit, that must be horrible ... not being able to come up with the goods ... Would it be naive to think that he won't find it somewhere else?
Aah, don't listen to me... I'm just thinking out loud.
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPeter
Whoa! Married to a rocker? Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll! Well, if there's one thing we know about rockers is that they can't live without number 1! Shit, that must be horrible ... not being able to come up with the goods ... Would it be naive to think that he won't find it somewhere else?
Aah, don't listen to me... I'm just thinking out loud.
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPeter
Whoa! Married to a rocker? Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll! Well, if there's one thing we know about rockers is that they can't live without number 1! Shit, that must be horrible ... not being able to come up with the goods ... Would it be naive to think that he won't find it somewhere else?
Aah, don't listen to me... I'm just thinking out loud.
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPeter
I agree, this isn't about being sexy, it's about feeling sexy. And you are the only one that can work on that. There's no magic number of times per week that is 'normal'. Everyone has their own sexual needs. If you aren't 3 days a week, make your one day a week count. Let him watch you with the vibrator, walk around naked more, flirt with other boys (harmlessly, of course), sweep up your dog hair in lingerie, whatever it takes to make you feel revved up. As a lapsed Catholic, I know it is hard to surrender to the guilt, but it isn't worth it! And the people that were telling you to feel guilty about your body and your sexuality were probably engaging in some scurilous activies of their own. Whatever you do, don't let the voices in your head live there rent free. You can and should evict them.

Further, I say sucks to all of you that say the Surge is going to get it somewhere else. When you have found the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, sex with some random person has a mighty high price. We've all been burned (or done the burning) in the past, but that is no reason to go through life with such cynicism. Most things are self-fulfilling. You get what you demand out of life. And girl, you need to demand that your sex get naughtier.
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLucia's Dream
Has the Surge mentioned any sex dreams that he'd like you to do but you just can't get your head around it? And are they one of the most important things for him? If yes, I'd start to worry... If no, sex is not great all the time and women can't be walking sex goddesses... to me it sounds that you are having a completely normal sex life and your issues are very similar to my issues and probably to the thoughts of loads of other women... I just love the few amazing nights (or days) I had and the rest of it is a nice top-up, even when it can't be classified as amazing. To have just nice sex is alright when there are days where sex is still amazing! And now I'm heading for the cuddle :-)
September 5, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkiaora
I just love you for writing this post.

Oh, and listen to the smart women who said that "normal" is not a standard, but a moving definition.

September 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW

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March 19, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteror pet meds

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March 19, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteror pet meds

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