Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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The Ugly Truth

When you see a hot piece of girl ass with a dolt, what do you think? Dude's got money. That's right. Now isn't the time to be shy with your stereotyping and high regard for The Beautiful People. Hot girl + ugly dude = rich guy with trophy wife in tow.

With that in mind, what occurs to you when you see a sexy guy with an ugly chick? Now, listen, I'm all for 'beauty is on the inside and in the eye of the beholder' and all those other cliches that make ugly folk feel better about their shit lot in life, really, I am. But let's say you're sitting on the number 1 uptown train. It's crowded. You happen to glance up and eye collide with a very handsome gentleman seated across the way. You don't even notice the 230 pound girl sitting next to him who looks as if a line drive to the schnozz while pitching for her butch lesbian softball league once caved in the center of her face. I mean that in the funniest way possible. C'mon now. Don't get all oh-no-she-didn't on me.

The simple fact is, there are beautiful people, pretty people, nice-looking people, average people, nondescript folks, ugly folks and oh-my-god-did-you-see-the-mug-on-that-dude-that- just-walked-by!!! people. There are varying degrees in each category as well. Various factors such as clothing style, shade of teeth, hairstyle, and weight can all come into play as you make your judgement call. You know, the typical fat girl with a beautiful face. Or the guy that's hot until he opens his mouth to reveal a row full of overlapping snaggleteeth, or the ugly chick that has all the hotgirl accoutrements but a face like she's sucking a lemon (think Fergie from Black-eyed peas). Yellow teeth? Dirty is the first word that comes to mind, right? Brush your teeth, bitch. Get some Crest strips or something. Which is a shame, actually, because les dents of most folks are naturally yellow. Someone can sport teeth the color of egg yolks and those choppers just might be the cleanest in all the land. Zits? Same dirty perception. But I'm betting 10-to-1 odds the person with the zits is washing their face fifty times a day. Cleanest motherfuckers around - but you, you judgemental fucker, you see their poor, leaky zits on the subway and think - ewww, dirty! Those are just physical assumptions and associations society-at-large makes, myself included, as I'm about to share...

So let us all drop the politically correct charades we slide on like undergarments when we leave the house every day. Just for a moment, shall we? You can snuggle up in the safety of your politically correct quilt when you log off and start pretending to happily work for the boss whose guts you hate.

Truth is, your first impression of someone comes from hundreds of elements (skin, teeth, clothes, hair) that combine to create their overall appearance. So yes, in the first few minutes of meeting someone, you do judge a book by its cover, simply because that's all you know. That is unless they maybe save your life from behind by pulling you outta the street as a cab roars by. Then, they're the most beautiful person in the world, even if, when you turn around to shake their hand, one eye is drifting uptown whilst the other cloudy iris is lingering on the Wall Street skyline.

Have I qualified myself enough yet? Can I talk about the ugly girl on the subway with the hot guy or are you going to send me hate-email explaining how beauty comes from within and by the way, The Girl Who, you ain't no great prize either. No need. I'm well aware of the four throbbing pustules on my chin accompanied by the black goat hairs that sprout like weeds among them, the bloodshot eyes, the fucked-up bangs and the violent acres of ass that shake like Michael J. Fox gone off meds.

Before we get to Ugly Girl, let us establish one more thing. Generally speaking, people of similar attractiveness levels tend to gravitate towards one another, which is what makes it all the more alarming when you spot a couple of differing beauty levels and no obvious reason like wealth or celebrity behind the coupling. Like, I know Brad Pitt is the Major League to my Little League. Another example? Let's see... okay - I could probably snag, oh, say Jimmy Kimmel. An interesting twist? Marilyn Manson is probably in my league because well, although he's rich and famous he's a freak. It's like a balancing a scale...Rich and famous? Outta my league. But Manson's propensity for the freaky-deaky lands the nutty fella back on my grazing grounds.

Think about all the couples you know. They're generally of the same attractiveness level and if they aren't - some benefit provided by the uglier of the duo makes up for it. For example; Bill Maher pulls the hottest chicks ever (if tits, tans and teeth are your thing), but Bill looks like a humanized version of Snoopy. Bill makes up for it with his cash and his celebrity. I submit to you Howard Stern. Kid Rock. Shit, even Vern Troyer, better known as "Mini-Me" or the little dude that pissed in the corner of The Surreal Life house.

Yes indeedy, it's certainly more common to see an ugly guy with a hot chick because he can overcome genetics with money and/or celebrity. I hear some chicks are into that. And yes, let's also face the fact that most men are generally into hot chicks for the validation and they have that pesky shallow gene to overcome (Um.. the porn industry revolves around this theory. When was the last time you saw a hot guy in a porno?) So yeah - it's a rare thing to see an ugly girl making out with a hot guy.

So the girl. She was around 25 or 30 or 40.. Shit, I couldn't tell. Our girl couldn't have weighed less than 250. Had an underbite like a donkey and eyebrows like caterpillars and nary a spot of make-up to improve the damaging overall affect. Wasn't dressed well. Wasn't dressed poorly. Bulky winter coat, jeans and sneakers. And she was clutching the hand of Hot Guy. They weren't talking, just staring straight ahead, attempting to avoid the roving eyes of any potential subway crazies..

Awww, that's sweet, I thought to myself. He's taking his retarded little sister out on the town.

Oh, just stop it! Quit clucking to yourself. You KNOW you woulda thought the same thing. I'm just the asshole betwixt you and me because I'm writing about it. By clucking at me you make yourself feel like a kinder, gentler person. You're not. You would have come to the same conclusions. Yes you would. (this is your bit) Yes you would. (your turn again) Yes you would.

I smiled at the brother and sister, you know, to show my thumbs up to anyone aiding the mentally handicapped and all. That's when I noticed the thumb of Hot Guy's finger stroking Ugly Girl's hand. Hmmm.. Interesting but not conclusive. Maybe she's just scared to ride the subway and he's reassuring her. The subway could be very frightening for the mentally impaired. What a sweet guy! So kind to his slow sister.

And then Hot Guy leaned over and gave his retarded sister a little tongue.


They're a couple, thunk I! Of course I eyeballed them all the way uptown. And yes, they were a couple and despite the, ahem, aesthetically challenged woman, they were a very cute couple. All lovey and dovey and ooooey and goooey.

Well I'll be damned, I thought to myself. What does that say about me? I see a not-so-attractive woman with a hot guy and assume it's his retarded, little sister. Of course, to deflect blame and point the finger outward, as I'm wont to do, I'm just a product of society. So what does that say about society? I'll break it down for you with a simple mathematical equation that reflects society's rules. No worries, this ain't no Good Will Hunting or anything...

To reiterate: Hot girl + ugly dude = rich guy with trophy wife in tow.

In conclusion: Ugly girl + hot guy = retarded sister with big brother.

Hey! I don't make up society's rules. I'm just another lemming that follows previously set societal conventions. And you are too.

Reader Comments (52)

Can't breathe. Haven't laughed so hard since I don't know when.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJib

Hysterical...this was almost as good as the explanation of tampons on the street.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

It is remarakably similar to the societal ideal of
Girl who sleeps around = slut
Guy who sleeps around = stud.
We are pre programmed to see and understand negativity towards women, even though they cover it with a blanket of Political Correctness.
Anyway, great post. Funny without drawing the trolls and crazies.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLaundry Broad

great and funny written post and very real truth about our society's rules...

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterana

When I was 21 I was engaged to a "Pretty Boy". One day as we were walking through the mall, I heard two middled aged women say, "what is he doing with "HER". My heart sank, one because I wasn't use to hearing my looks being put down and two, was my boyfriend prettier than me? Later we walked into Radio Shack and the guy behind the counter kept telling my boyfriend what a "lucky guy" he was to be with ME!

When I moved to the east I was introduced to couple. The guy was HAWT his wife was...... a baked potato. No one could ever figure out what he saw in her. I thought the comments made about her were mean..... Then I met the potato. She was grossly obese for a 28 year old woman, her hair was greasy, no style, no make up and the best part her tee shirt was stained and inside out.

No one at the party talked to her so I went over and started a conversation. I told her I had just moved here from California. The first thing she wanted know is if I use to see "Movie Stars" everywhere. The rest of the conversation was about her favorite tee vee shows......

My conversation with her reminded me of talking to my ten year old cousin. I was floored when someone told me she had a collage degree. I wasn't surprise to learn she couldn't hold a job.

Her HAWT wealthy husband, loves her and that is all that truly matters.

An interest bit to this story is the HAWT Husband's fugly friends were married to the "Trophy Wife" The Trophy Wives" left the fugly husbands as soon as the prenuptial agreement ran out.

Thank you Monica for the interesting read!

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCatnip

That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time! Thanks for the laugh.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen

hey you better hope Rosie O'Donnell doesn't see this, she'll be all over you.
I however, thought it was quite humorous and very true. I can't think of one person who doesn't create some sort of judgement based on the appearance of others.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterfancythis

or another theory my husband came up with

hot guy + ugly girl = the possibility that she's knocked up

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterfancythis

Maybe she is rich and she is paying him. She could have received a GIANT inheritance or something. There has to be some rational explanation for this coupling. I have heard of chubby chasers but this sounds a little ridiculous. Thanks for the questionable visuals Monica I hope that they leave my corneas soon.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

Very funny post. Here is another explanation for the hot girl/not-so-hot guy phenomenon -- insecurity on the girl's part. I have always been better-looking than the men I date/man I married & divorced because, quite frankly, I don't like to compete in that area with my partner, and I'm insecure and competitive by nature, so dating someone not as good-looking helps. Not that I am the bees knees, but I used to model, am tall, thin, athletic, whatever. Anyway, my current boyfriend is not that hot -- but he treats me like gold and I love him very much, plus he is extremely well-endowed, so overall, he's perfect.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSDK

O my brother Jesus this is good:

"the violent acres of ass that shake like Michael J. Fox gone off meds."



January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSatan

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you."

Dude, who wants to be with the 'better catch'?! How stressful....always having to work so fucking hard at being perfect & always feeling insecure that he's going to find someone better. No thanks.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

I am a handsome young man.
Yep. 26. Blue eyes, sinewy arms, whatever else. I have had women enlighten me that I am good looking my whole life; grandmas, barflys, bosses.

Nevertheless, I am dating a girl who is cute. She is not model-skinny and doesn't have perfect teeth. Yeah yeah, you might see her with me and wonder if we are cousins. Perhaps you may assume I am gay and she is my best gal-pal and we are shopping for underwear. Funny enough, my girlfriend's relatives always ask her how she snagged me. Some nights she'll tell me (IMPORTANT: To inform, not compliment) I am good looking, as if I just don't understand how truly powerful it could be.

But see it all ended after high school. After that, no one really told me I was good looking anymore. And since then I could really give two shits whether I am good looking or not.

So it goes.

But here's a thought...and this is the truth:
Even though I am handsome I have never, EVER gotten the girl my hormones craved, physically speaking. For me, it was mediterannean chic.

But you know how dating goes--you take up whatever opportunity happens to fall at your feet. At least, for men that's the law. But the girl I have always wanted? Yeah, she's always been across the bar talking to someone else. At another booth. In a nicer car. Always out of my reach.


January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJB

I am thinking that they used to both be hot and the girl got comfortable in her relationship and "let herself go."

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlifelemons

a friend once said to me "everyone has to have an image, so mine might as well be a cool one."

the shallowness of youth? perhaps. but why not?

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteradam

I can't believe I read all of that, expecting there to be more of a point.

Is it not obvious to everyone that ugly girl + hot boyfriend = retarded boyfriend?

So she's the brains, he's the beauty. The slow-witted, occasional drooling, hot boyfriend, beauty.

THAT'S how it works.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlaura

I found your site via the ad on Violent Acres, and also her little mention of you. You're both in my Google Reader now. In case you weren't aware, Google Reader doesn't give your full posts, just a link to them. I presume this is intentional, but if not, now you know. I'm really enjoying your blog, and also, wow this comment area is nicely done. Two thumbs up.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGrant

Ya know when me and my boyfriend go out in public I know people look, hell I am 6'1" and he is 5'8", but I sorta get off on the fact people are looking! They have no idea he is a great and adores the shit out of me and we have a great relationship!
I think this was funny as hell, you know EVERYONE is thinking it, you just decided to blog about it! Good on ya Monica!

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJen

That was fucking hysterical. So very true and who gives a shit about not being PC. Awesome.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeather B.

Big breath... now, take all the gossip mags and throw them away. Next, turn the TV to -off- and leave it there. Try not to click onto any star-studded website. What do you have? An opportunity to branch out and meet someone in your circle of the world that is different! Economic situation, shade of skin, gender identity (c'mon, I live in SF) They just may turn out to be more interesting than their stereotype.

I am an average-looking woman who has been called cute, who had one.... I say one was enough, date with a beautiful man. He was dark and lovely and I was screaming inside my own head that I was SO FUCKING BORED.

My thing is that anyone datable needs to have some sort of interesting side to them, be it humor, kindness, creativeness, or kookiness. If they're simply 'good-looking', well, that's just not enough to keep my interest.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKaren W.

I hated a hot guy once. Hot guys are way overrated. Give me an average interesting fellow any day of the week. Hilarious commentary on a real issue in society. Had me chuckling all the way through.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGemma

Gemma, Freudian slip!!?? (hated)

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKaren W.

Ha! Maybe. Meant DATED obviously :)

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGemma

I bet he has a fetish for ugly girls. I have to be careful not to mess around with guys like that. They only want one thing.

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDooce Fan!

I think it's encouraging that a not-shallow guy exists out there. It gives me hope. And I'm sticking to that.
The rest of them are worthless shallow pricks!

January 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdark chocolate

An ugly girl fetish. That is the only explanation. Hot guys in New York are THE worst for needing a hot chick to up their ego. You'd think it would be the ugly guys, but I've found the hotter the guy, the more insecure and shallow. I'm just saying!

January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAimee

I love the violent acres website! That's how i found you, by the way. I've been reading through your stories and you are freaking hilarious. Glad I found you.

January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSela

Weird, when I see hot guy + ugly chick I think the guy has some fatal flaw that prevents him from being with a better looking woman.

- no money
- small penis
- no sense of humor
- abusive behaviour

January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterengtech

My wife is much better looking than me, and about a decade younger. I'm not rich, I don't come from a prominent family, etc. I have nothing to offer, but I do make her laugh, and that makes her happy.

That, coupled with my raw animal sexuality, keeps her around

January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersean

It's really is hard to get passed the simple mathematical equations that reflect society's rules

blonde + blue eyes + judgmental = Mormon

January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterneerb

You just nailed my biggest pet peeve on the head.


January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

I don't know how you do it... There are some real party poopers who read your blog! Thanks for putting up with them so that the rest of us can continue to be thoroughly entertained.

I have been dating an extremely attractive, smart, sweet, funny, successful, confident man for about 9 months. All that considered, I know in my little heart of hearts that my cute little nose, straight white teeth and Snow White complexion don't make up for my ground-rattling 245lb frame (I'm 5'6"). It doesn't matter whether or not I'm porportionate. I'm a big girl. And having a huge rack doesn't matter if the rest of you is huge to go along with it. That being said, I'm still confused why he loves me and treats me like a princess. I work hard but am not rich, am quasi-intelligent and sometimes funny but I don't think that makes up for it either. Everyday I expect him to wake up, roll over and realize his mistake. Our family and friends sure have and have questioned his judgement. He's my absolute best friend. I have the best time with him and I love him with all my heart but I still don't get it. Really, long story short, it's not any easier to understand from the outside than it is from the inside. If I ever figure it out, I'll let you know.

January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

This is why I personally find girl + girl to generally be both socically and aesthetically more pleasing:)

Wonderful blog--you be favored.


January 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

maybe it's pheromones??

loved this post. made me laugh. so true.

January 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commentergina


January 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

A sick and pathetic site has targeted your blog! They suck. You're great. I love your posts.

January 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersuperconfidential

Thanks for the heads up, superconfidential - am well aware of that blog. It's not very well written, is it? If someone's going to slag me off they should at least be good. Thanks for the heads up, though.

January 26, 2007 | Registered CommenterMonica

No, I agree - they brag about their photoshopping skills and Eurotrash status when what they need is English 101 if they're going to blog in, well, English.

Sorry for telling you what you already knew. I normally just lurk around here...

January 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersuperconfidential

Pompous brits... well at least one anyway! Nothing to do with mormons, or blue eyes ,or the like..what you write is plain honesty. We all think it, but you ..oh so cleverly ..put it into words. Just society...and honesty.

January 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commentershenanigan

Hot guy + ugly girl or vice versa = immigration status(?) Just a thought. Not that I'm jaded or anything *ahem*

January 27, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterThe Default Attorney

Does this mean that The Surge is rich and you're his trophy wife?

January 27, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterInfreqent Reader

Heh, saw a 'Monicat' on that weird HN blog. Well, I guess this could be valued as a compliment ...

January 28, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeh


January 28, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeh

i've dated men on either side of my relatively average level of attractiveness. as a rule, the not so hot ones got dumped because of their insecurity, and the hot ones got dumped because they didn't think they had to try.

i think that's why we generally see people with similar degrees of attractiveness dating and mating.

January 29, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterrootless

Brush you're teeth, bitch.
Learn English, bitch. It really helps getting your point accross.

January 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFrondeur

Oooooh!!! Not my grammar! Please, anything but my grammar!!

There. Did that get my point "accross"?

January 30, 2007 | Registered CommenterMonica

Tel est pris qui croyait prendre.

January 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFrondeur

"Accross"? Mon dieu, vous êtes un imbécile, Frondeur.

February 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMon Dieu

This is only the second time I've visited the site in a week;before that a few months.I feel bad that you have turned off all the comments.You have readers that live for your blog.Will you please reconsider turning back on your comments?

February 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMichael

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