Wednesday
Jan032007
Marriage Is Our Last, Best Chance To Grow Up
Wedding DayLove seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. - MARK TWAIN
If that's the case, if my favorite American author is indeed correct, then I s'pose I'll stay married. The Surge and I have hit a rough patch. We're just not getting along. At all. I'm disinclined to share the details, not because I worry about what y'all will think, but because it's not only my business to share. It's his as well and so it's not for me to tell. But man, oh man... We've bickered (read: screamed) so much that we've reached the point of not caring. There is no excitement in proving oneself correct or winning an argument - and if I'm too tired to prove my point and win an argument then you know it's bad. We just plain exhausted, yo.
FOR EXAMPLE:
"YOU!"
"YOU!"
"YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!"
"YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!"
"BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK!"
That last bit is Max telling us to just shut the fuck up, he can't hear his favorite programs (The Dog Whisperer or South Park) although I have a sneaking suspicion I bark just as good or better than my black buddy.
I think what is most traumatic for me is that I feel such hopelessness about our situation. Oh sure, we talk, we make promises, things get better and then we default to our usual behaviors. Him floating along and me yelling about RESPONSIBILITY! BILLS! FUTURE! BENEFITS! MONEY!
Perhaps we are just too different. He lives an uncertain, nomadic lifestyle and I suffer anxiety attacks about BILLS and THE FUTURE. Sometimes I think his way is so much better. He doesn't worry too much and somehow, everything turns out all right. Other times I feel that, if it weren't for me and my anxiety attacks, nothing would get done.
"WHAT THE FUCK? If I didn't get this job we would be so fucked!"
"It's going to be fine. We'll be okay."
"You just say that. You don't know it's going to fine. That's just something you say. It doesn't mean anything." When I argue I speak in italics. You can see them, the slanty words, forcing their way from my mouth, hanging on my lips for that enunciated vowel before leaping, comando-style, into the air.
Thing is, at the very core, I love the fucker. He is such a beautiful person. Such a passionate, creative, caring, kind-hearted soul. I see beyond all of our madness into the darkest caverns of his heart and God bless him he's such a tortured blaze of agony, a gaping wound of hurt that hemorrhages anger - and I love and hate him for it. Yet underneath it all he's oozes tenderness and exhibits such eagerness to make me happy.
Still - I can't live like this, on a wing and a prayer, forever. It's filling me with a molotov cocktail of rage and hopelessness. Add alcohol, light my fuse and I will explode! I need something to hang my hat on. Some kind of plan for the future. But all he knows is his music, which means what? I'll be the 9 to 5 gal? (or in my current case, the 12am - 9am gal) Forever? What if I want kids? I wanted to be a stay-at-homer? Or at least a part-timer. That will never happen now. He's more likely to be the stay-at-homer. I don't want to burn my ever increasing thighs and pinch my fingers climbing some walloping corporate ladder that keeps slipping, a ladder rife with rusty nails and the dirty fingerprints of those who went before. I don't have it in me. Getting to the top of that? It holds no reward for me. Family and a big, lamplit kitchen; a crockpot full of carrots, onions and pot roast filling the house with yummy; those are the trophies I am after. A safe place accentuated with scented candles and cozy throws and soft pillows and two or three dogs and a coupla kids. They can be discounted from Wal-Mart, I don't mind. The candles and pillows, that is. Not the dogs and kids.
Anybody out there? If you are, can you maybe do me a favor? Here is what I need, if you're inclined to oblige. I want to hear about your relationships. The worst moments, the most hateful you've been with your lover. Hate/Love/Hate/Love. Please, tell me about your worst fights, how you survived, how you came out the other side - or if you didn't. If you have something worthwhile to say, I'll post (anonymously) your sentence, paragraph, story here so we can all see we aren't the only ones locking ourselves in the bathroom, turning on the shower and bawling into a bunched up towel so no one will hear our pain.
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
I just came out of a "rough" patch with my husband. It was miserable
and I
wanted to kick and scream, but I come from a long line of repressed
ragers,
so I just got fat instead. not a choice I would recommend. Then, we
started talking about the future, even as we were fighting about our
present. We knew the future would always be us - 5 year plans, 10 year
plans. Kids going to university, hopes and dreams. It worked. I
can't say
I never want to kick him in the butt, but I always know that he's in
for the
long haul. That's what marriage is about, the long haul. My oldest
brother
is divorced, and when I told him what was happening in my marriage and
how
we keep on looking at our long range plans to get past the present
hurdles,
he thought that maybe his marriage could have survived if they had
worked on
plans for the future instead of only seeing the current crisis.
M
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
felt I had to respond to your last post. I’ve totally been where you are now & I completely understand your fear of the future. When I met L he was a landscaper…not running a landscaping company, but like planting bushes, mowing lawns, plowing snow…the whole bit. I was probably making about 5 times his salary at the time. And you know what….I had never had so much fun in my fucking life! We’ve had our share of fights about money over the years…some really big, almost-the-end-of-our-relationship fights. The thing is, I had already dated my share of financially-secure guys but I was never really happy. No one ever “got” me like he does. No one ever loved me for the right reasons. No one had an ounce of his passion or shared my values & I knew no one would ever love me as much as he did.
If I can be so bold as to guess what you’re feeling from what I’ve read of your posts, I think maybe this recent period of unemployment has left you feeling a little vulnerable & insecure & the future maybe looks a little scary. But there are no guarantees in life. I think financial security is a total illusion. You marry some corporate drone with the right car, the big bank account. Then you marry & stay home with the children, but you never see him because he’s so busy chasing that “american dream”. And it’s never really enough, because someone always has the nicer home or bigger SUV or better vacation home, blah, blah, blah.
Don’t forget the reasons you fell in love with Serge. It’s his passion for his music that makes him who he is. He would be a shell of himself if he gave up on his dream & he wouldn’t be the man you fell in love with.
Read back your own words:
“Anyway... these things are noteworthy: your voice, your eyes (eye sex is important) your passion, your intelligence, and the unbelievable balls it takes to tell conventional life to fuck off and just tour the world and play music. You are brave.”
“Have fallen in love with your words. You are beautiful, the soul of a poet, with this scrappy city boy exterior. You have wrestled me in somehow, against my will, and without you even trying.. Just by being your Serge self.”
Good luck with everything!
C
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this, just when you got a great job and should be experiencing less stress for at least a little while.
I’m not really sure what to say, since I happen to be at a low point in my marriage. The strange (and maybe sad) thing about that is that my husband probably doesn’t even know. We fight, a lot, but I think we’ve gotten used to it. We’ve been married for 12 years, and have a 7 year old. I work, mainly for the benefits, as he is self-employed. I would love to stay at home, and am somewhat bitter about the fact that I can’t, and that fuels my resentment sometimes. But this is the way it is, for now. And it may be the way it always is. But there is so much good, under all the crap. I can’t deny that. And at the end of the day, I’m married to a good man, who is an amazing father. A lot of women cannot say that, I know plenty of them. I wish I had the more flexible schedule, I wish he was a better communicator, I wish I could appreciate more what I have. Every once in awhile I do, and it feels good. I realize that I basically have what I want, just not the exact version I imagined.
And honestly, those first few years of marriage are so freaking hard. The drama, my god how I do NOT miss the drama. It was exhausting. Hateful things came screaming out of my mouth – and I looked like a lunatic because my husband doesn’t really fight back. I don’t miss those days.
I hope you can get through this, because you honestly seem so right for each other, despite your many differences. Maybe you can have the house and family that you crave, just not quite the way you pictured it.
Okay, I’m not sure that rambling added up to anything, but I’ve got to get back to work. Take care, and thanks for sharing so much on your blog. You’re life is very interesting and exciting to me, and I enjoy reading about it. You’re such a talented writer.
K
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
Hey..
Just read your blog.
I’ve a few more rings around the trunk than you do.
It seems to me that relationships are about power – not in the bad sense, but the good sense.
And in the end a relationship falls apart when the balance of power is lopsided. Not everything has to be equal. For example, if you don’t like to clean toilets, sharing a life doesn’t mean you have to clean toilets. But if he doesn’t mind doing toilets and he hates doing laundry, but you don’t mind – then the balance of power – a couple of tasks in this case – is in sync.
Similarly with the grander issues. If one person is fulfilled in their work and the other isn’t and has anxiety about it, the balance of power is off kilter. And you can’t continue like that.
If you have anxiety about money, and surge is an artist who is concerned about his art and not about his business and making money – neither one of you is wrong -- just different. But your differences make the anxiety worse.
If you love him – and you write so beautifully about him – like you say you do – then hold on to that sistah.. that’s powerful stuff and it’s rare. And I suspect you’d be miserable with someone whom you don’t feel that way about but who gives you financial security.
Yours, as someone who has some experience in relationships (3 marriages)
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
First, I wrote this e-mail once and my computer swallowed it so this is
the second version. I hope it converys some of the same pathos and
passion of the original but I suspect it doesn't. Oh well.
You should know, I vowed not to write you another e-mail full of
unsolicited advice since you never reply but since you asked for it...
Twain is right. It takes about twenty years before you truly know your
partner. I know. I've been married 18. The first fifteen years seem to
be some kind of ego struggle so you are definitely not alone. And it
can get very ugly. Broken dishes, wedding rings wrenched from fingers
during passionate arguments, threats of divorce. As one respondent said, I
do not miss the drama. But how to avoid it?
First, not only pick your fights but pick your weapons carefully. If
you threaten a nuclear attack, there isn't much hope of a rational
conversation. Don't threaten divorce or to leave unless you mean it but then
do it. In that case, shut the door behind you. Otherwise, it is just
manipulative and bullying. How to control the rage and anger? I still
find myself occassionally sobbing in the shower. Usually, it means I am
really tired and need a break. It will pass. Also, any accusation or
thought after 9 p.m. or two glasses wine, I dismiss. They are not real. I
pick the time of my arguments, I don't let them pick me anymore. You
have more control over your actions than you think.
Second, regarding financial stability and work. Welcome to 2007. 1 out
of 4 women earn more money than their husbands. I do. He used to earn
more than me, much more, and then he quit his job. Boy, that pissed me
off. But on the other hand, it has forced me to take myself very
seriously professionally and as an adult. Not a bad thing. I don't consider
myself a corporate type, but I like the travel, the independence, the
autonomy. And I love that I no longer have to cook or shop because, short
of the occassional pie, I'm not very good at it. But he is and so the
Count is a stay-at-home dad. Do I occassionally want somebody to take
care of me, to indulge me, to protect me? Yes, and I am but I would never
want to be the behind-the-scene partner. I am too much of a prima
donna. I suspect you are as well. And as another writer said, there is no
such thing as finanical security. THe only thing that is sure is death
but why make it a boring trip to the graveyard? Your life, your love, is
an adventure (gees, I can wax poetic with the best of them!). Really,
you are writing your life story. Do you want it to be a boring cliche? A
tragedy? A melodrama? Or a beautiful love story about a girl and a boy
who fell in love?
Third, I think the most important thing to creating domestic harmony is
division of labor. If you work, he cooks and cleans, or whatever. Divy
it up. And one last observation, being a stay-at-home mom is not all it
is cracked up to be. It is unrewarding, draining, and lonely. If he
wants to do it, take him up on the offer!!!
The Count is an artist too, I didn't marry and import him for his
revenue potential. I married him because I liked the way he smelled. I still
like the way he smells (perhaps I am a slave to my cunt but that is
another discussion). I loved his laugh and when he smiled. I hated him
when he was depressed and unhappy. I thought seriously about leaving him
but I know that the two of us are stronger and bigger together than we
are apart. Apart, we are just two more lonely soles searching for a
playmate/soulmate in a cold, grey, icky world.
Is that all? Yes, I will shut up now. I finally have nothing more to
say, except chin-up. And good luck and congrats on that new job - I
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
(MONICA: THIS EMAIL REALLY HIT HOME FOR ME TOO!)
Your post hit right at home with me. When I first got married, I was the one who made more money, I had the insurance and the stability, I had the drive to be employed by a stable, big company. My husband, however, did not. Of course, its only after being married to him, and realizing that I am also a person who wants to be a stay at home mom, that my marriage decision became hard for me. But you know what I have found? SO many women and men are like this! Women are only comfortable with a large nest egg, secure jobs, quality insurance. We want to know at least three years down the road what our financial situation would be (no matter your background.) Men are more likely to take risks. How do you think the West got settled? I can bet you money it wasn't because of those risky women. We are built differently- us guys and girls. Men with wandering, pioneering spirts and us women with the incredible urge to settle in (the reason the West did not stay a collage of campgrounds. But I don't have any great answer. I am in the same position as you- trying to love and support him for what he is, and screaming inside for him to get a normal job already so I can relax. But I also know that with each fight, each snide comment, and the building resentment in my heart, i- me- am tearing my relationship apart. He feels inadequate and misunderstood, I just want normalcy. We can be the dragging feet on the pioneering trail, making our husbands wonder why the hell they brought us along, or we can walk next to them, making their lives easier, more enjoyable (whatever that means in your marriage). LIke it or not, you are on the trail, heading west. It's your attitude that will decide how fun (or miserable) the journey will be.
Your post hit right at home with me. When I first got married, I was the one who made more money, I had the insurance and the stability, I had the drive to be employed by a stable, big company. My husband, however, did not. Of course, its only after being married to him, and realizing that I am also a person who wants to be a stay at home mom, that my marriage decision became hard for me. But you know what I have found? SO many women and men are like this! Women are only comfortable with a large nest egg, secure jobs, quality insurance. We want to know at least three years down the road what our financial situation would be (no matter your background.) Men are more likely to take risks. How do you think the West got settled? I can bet you money it wasn't because of those risky women. We are built differently- us guys and girls. Men with wandering, pioneering spirts and us women with the incredible urge to settle in (the reason the West did not stay a collage of campgrounds. But I don't have any great answer. I am in the same position as you- trying to love and support him for what he is, and screaming inside for him to get a normal job already so I can relax. But I also know that with each fight, each snide comment, and the building resentment in my heart, i- me- am tearing my relationship apart. He feels inadequate and misunderstood, I just want normalcy. We can be the dragging feet on the pioneering trail, making our husbands wonder why the hell they brought us along, or we can walk next to them, making their lives easier, more enjoyable (whatever that means in your marriage). LIke it or not, you are on the trail, heading west. It's your attitude that will decide how fun (or miserable) the journey will be.
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
You want the worst moment in our marriage? When I went through cancer, and he decided that he "needed" to work more hours because he couldn't deal with it. That was a year and a half ago. He hasn't apologized at all. The reason I stay right now? We have four kids and I am a stay at home mom. I don't have the extra energy to figure out what to do. We don't fight any more, which to me means the end is near. We don't fight because neither of us really care...or at least *I* don't care any more. I think he is totally clueless about how much anger I have (even though I have told him). I have pretty much given up hope that things will work out how I thought they would. In sickness and in health, but apparently not *my* sickness. No answers/advice for you, just sympathy.
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
Hey Monica,
I just wanted to say that I think it’s brave of you to write about your marriage. It’s true—so many people don’t talk about it and pretend everything is ok… I don’t have any advice or a good story to tell. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, only married 1 ½… so we’ve definitely had some rough times. I guess we just ride them out. When things are bad I think to myself— if this doesn’t get better we’ll have to end it… but they always do get better again. It’s a little different now that we’re married, there’s even more of a commitment. Anyway, just wanted to say I think it’s great that you’re able to share your experiences with the world. I couldn’t do it! - L
I just wanted to say that I think it’s brave of you to write about your marriage. It’s true—so many people don’t talk about it and pretend everything is ok… I don’t have any advice or a good story to tell. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, only married 1 ½… so we’ve definitely had some rough times. I guess we just ride them out. When things are bad I think to myself— if this doesn’t get better we’ll have to end it… but they always do get better again. It’s a little different now that we’re married, there’s even more of a commitment. Anyway, just wanted to say I think it’s great that you’re able to share your experiences with the world. I couldn’t do it! - L
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
Great advice from your sisters about relationships.
I've never been married, and I turned four-tay this year. I do have to admit that I fall for the artistic, free-spirited guys and that is one of the reasons that I've never put The Ring on my finger because I wouldn't be able to deal with the lack of, well let's just say 'traditional responsibility', that comes along with these guys. So I really understand your perspective.
Being a singleton, I guess I shouldn't give advice about married life, but my opinion is: you really have to face the reality that married life with The Surge will have more unknowns than if you lived life 'your' way. It's definitely scary to fly by the seat of your pants, so just let him know you get scared---> and that you don't know how to live that way--> and that you l-o-v-e him. Sometimes just admitting out loud that you're scared helps take the fear away, and he can see that you're not always the Tough (big money-maker) Girl.
Update on Jan 4, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
I read your story and almost cried because pretty much the same happened to me. Unlike you, I'm not a writer.But even if this doesn't get published, I'd still like to share my story.
I was 18 when I married a musician from New Jersey. The band he toured with was critically aclaimed but was a commercial flop. I grew up in Ohio and for me life in Newarky/New York seemed exciting and glamourous but at the same time fast and ruthless. My life long dream was to become a sculptor and make a living of it. That didn't happen when I decided to follow him to the East coast. New York didn't need me. But it didn't matter. We were like soulmates, you don't blame a soulmate for bad stuff that happens in your life. Neither do you blame a soulmate for not realizing your dreams.
Although I respected his artistic freedom and I didn't expect him to have the skills to pay the bills (I worked as a waitress to compensate the lack of money that the occassional lack of gigs brought about), things changed when I found myself pregnant. I started flipping out, because we could hardly manage with the two of us. How would we even hope to manage with a rugrat crawling around in our matchbox sized appartment?
He assured me he was going to find a more steady job if things got too rough. That set my mind at ease for a while. But when I finally had the baby, I slowly discovered that he had no intention of giving his music up.
His passion for music was one of the things that made me fell in love with him in the first place. I felt like a bad person asking him to give it up, even if it was only for a while. I didn't blame him that we only had bread and cream cheese in the house. I could live with the fact that I had to beg for diapers sometimes. I didn't care that the only money we were making were the 50 bucks my mom send me every once in a while. We got along fine and we were lovers and best friends.
But when he announced to me that half of the money he earned from a gig would be reinvested into new equipment, something snapped.
His passion for music, I loved him for it. But at that moment I realized that I needed him to have more passion for his family. I needed him to not think about himself, at least for a little while.
He's still touring. My 5 year old daughter thinks he's the greatest. Her daddy plays the guitar in front of a cheering crowd. But I'm not with him anymore.
Every situation is different, so don't freak out just yet, sister. But just try to make him see that you have plans and dreams and that sometimes love isn't enough - C
Update on Jan 5, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
(MONICA SAYS: Could the folks who write from foreign countries be any sweeter? So adorable!)
hay Monica, Ive havent been wife yet, perhaps I shouldnt formulate any advices and stay calm. Im 5. year in relationship with one guy, my love, the one who I love and hate in one minute. your post make me think about us. We had hard time last year and Im so happy its already been 2007. In our relationship he is this one who wants responsibility and kids and Im that one who wants wait a bit with real life, okey to be honest to grow up. I real care about real life but Im a bit scary of it, scary that I need to put aside my dreams, my fotography (anyway I did for a while). There wasnt a day with argument and faceoff. Gosh we didnt speak to each other for a weeks. I hate him and myself for that but this shit about life and our work and (plus) about my family was powerful. One of the row I gave him the ring back, shoutted and cried I didnt love him anymore and never will, and I didnt want see him anymore. Gosh that was so miserable, I was, he was. Last year Ive learnt a lot about us. Its said that the 4. year of relationship or marriage is the worst – I want to think like this about it. I think during this time weve taught each other how to respect, how to breath together having our own needs and dreams. Me and him are two opposite side like white and black. And yes I understood, made out now that our honeymoon is other, we got to know each other better and now we respect our needs, we work on them, work on our habits. And even we are so opposite having different charackter we trying creat sth together, now its our home but after its gonna be kinds I guess. After this storm everything comes kind of simply and transparently. Perhaps its just for 5 minutes and certainly we still argue. I know he loves me, and I love him too (after this storm its harder to say love you but I do love him, its harder trust him as I trust before but I'm trying). And I can see that some things come to him difficulte but he is trying, Ive got the same. Ive made some simple plans and hes trying to understand them. It works in opposite way as well. I can understand your situation, the surge is musician, its mean working houres are fuck up and because of this there is not stability. As far I can see you love him so much and you can beautifuly describe this love. thats so great. Youve got passion as your love has. I think you need to work out how to put your needs together. More understand each other (Gosh Im talking like in soup opera, I wish it could be so easy as well). Make some plans and keep this stright. Showing your love and plans and let him involve in it and take some doing to built your marriage,home and later on bring up kids. I think its going to be fair and clear. Everyone likes having clear situation, let him know about this. (Writing this Ive looked through my window weve got beautiful reainbow here now its mean everything is going to clarify, you will see). I think (as my grandmum is saying about marriage) everything is all about being clever (cunning), matter of negotiation, and discussion (I know this one it the hardest). :) And as far Ive observed men as like kids and theyre always looking for someone like mum. So take your marriage in your hands (sorry for my english) make plans, take him under your wings and show him all this (needs and plans) thereby dont pick his life and dreams up. He will be provoked by you. Ive done something like this and its work I mean its started to work. :) you need time. Be patien and willful. I wish you both all the best. Im sorry for my english and I hope Ive not offened you. Your posts make me understand my relationship and my role in it and my selfishness in it (you opened my eyes and still do). I hope you will find yours as well. Sometimes reading your posts I can see that most things in your life are going around the Surge, its great because he is great person i guess but dont forget about yourself and your roles in your marriage. Let him know this. Step by step you will get this :) best!
hay Monica, Ive havent been wife yet, perhaps I shouldnt formulate any advices and stay calm. Im 5. year in relationship with one guy, my love, the one who I love and hate in one minute. your post make me think about us. We had hard time last year and Im so happy its already been 2007. In our relationship he is this one who wants responsibility and kids and Im that one who wants wait a bit with real life, okey to be honest to grow up. I real care about real life but Im a bit scary of it, scary that I need to put aside my dreams, my fotography (anyway I did for a while). There wasnt a day with argument and faceoff. Gosh we didnt speak to each other for a weeks. I hate him and myself for that but this shit about life and our work and (plus) about my family was powerful. One of the row I gave him the ring back, shoutted and cried I didnt love him anymore and never will, and I didnt want see him anymore. Gosh that was so miserable, I was, he was. Last year Ive learnt a lot about us. Its said that the 4. year of relationship or marriage is the worst – I want to think like this about it. I think during this time weve taught each other how to respect, how to breath together having our own needs and dreams. Me and him are two opposite side like white and black. And yes I understood, made out now that our honeymoon is other, we got to know each other better and now we respect our needs, we work on them, work on our habits. And even we are so opposite having different charackter we trying creat sth together, now its our home but after its gonna be kinds I guess. After this storm everything comes kind of simply and transparently. Perhaps its just for 5 minutes and certainly we still argue. I know he loves me, and I love him too (after this storm its harder to say love you but I do love him, its harder trust him as I trust before but I'm trying). And I can see that some things come to him difficulte but he is trying, Ive got the same. Ive made some simple plans and hes trying to understand them. It works in opposite way as well. I can understand your situation, the surge is musician, its mean working houres are fuck up and because of this there is not stability. As far I can see you love him so much and you can beautifuly describe this love. thats so great. Youve got passion as your love has. I think you need to work out how to put your needs together. More understand each other (Gosh Im talking like in soup opera, I wish it could be so easy as well). Make some plans and keep this stright. Showing your love and plans and let him involve in it and take some doing to built your marriage,home and later on bring up kids. I think its going to be fair and clear. Everyone likes having clear situation, let him know about this. (Writing this Ive looked through my window weve got beautiful reainbow here now its mean everything is going to clarify, you will see). I think (as my grandmum is saying about marriage) everything is all about being clever (cunning), matter of negotiation, and discussion (I know this one it the hardest). :) And as far Ive observed men as like kids and theyre always looking for someone like mum. So take your marriage in your hands (sorry for my english) make plans, take him under your wings and show him all this (needs and plans) thereby dont pick his life and dreams up. He will be provoked by you. Ive done something like this and its work I mean its started to work. :) you need time. Be patien and willful. I wish you both all the best. Im sorry for my english and I hope Ive not offened you. Your posts make me understand my relationship and my role in it and my selfishness in it (you opened my eyes and still do). I hope you will find yours as well. Sometimes reading your posts I can see that most things in your life are going around the Surge, its great because he is great person i guess but dont forget about yourself and your roles in your marriage. Let him know this. Step by step you will get this :) best!
Update on Jan 5, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
(MONICA: UM, IN A WORD - WOW.)
Monica, You have had a lot of women's stories on marriage so I thought you could use a man's point of view. First, let me start off by saying, no out here in internet land can really no what you are going through, so I hope the advise and stories you read are helping you sort things out, or at the very least getting you through the day knowing other people have rough patches in their marriages...... The thing to keep in mind is they are just that....rough patches. Which means once you get through this rough patch it will be smooth for awhile, until you hit the next rough patch. I have been married for 5 years and during this time we have clawed and fought our way through some rough patches(sometimes literally). Our roughest patch came early in our marriage, within the first year in fact. Growing up us kids knew our parents loved each other, but they could not get along. Within a span of four months my brother graduated high school, my sister got married and moved out, and I also got married and moved out. I guess this felt like the perfect time for my parents to drop the bomb. They had been married for 26 years and decided they could no longer be together. Not so much as decided together, as my mom decided when my dad was serving in Iraq. Let me preface all this by saying something that you may understand......I grew up in a pretty active LDS home my entire life. So you of all people can imagine the questions going through my mind. To add to the problem, because I am the oldest, I became the new head of the family of sorts. My father would call and bitch about my mother, then my mother would call me and bitch about my father. My sister was obviously not happy in her marriage, which she unsuccessfully tried to hide from us. My brother tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pain medication. I spent the better part of a night sitting in an ER while he got his stomach pumped, and listened to my parents bicker about when my father was coming to pick up the rest of this stuff. Good times. With all this going on you can imagine how my marriage was going. I naturally had doubts about it. I began to wonder if this is how my life would turn out. I wondered if in twenty or thirty years I would suddenly decide I was done and end it all. I told myself I would not let it get to that point so I decided I would end now while she could still find happiness with someone else. So I went about my days. I shut my wife out so it would be easier to end things when the time came. As time when on I felt I should tell her what I was doing and why, so it would not hit her like a ton of bricks later. After all I still loved her. Needless to say she did not take it well. Instead of going into a hysterical rant, she told me "no." She said she would not let me give up on everything because I had doubt, or fears we would turn out like my parents. She told me she had fears and she had gone through a lot to get married to me(her parents hate me and they did not want her to marry someone of a different race). It was a hard time for the both of us, not knowing how it would all play out. As time went on I came to a realization. I loved her and she loved me. Regardless of the destination, sometimes it is the journey which makes it worth while. Along the way we would run into rough paths, and forks in the road, but we would face them together. I thought about all the ex's(girlfriends and fiancés) and realized I had searched for a person to share my life with, and there was no one else I wanted to take this adventure with. Since then we have had many other fights and rough times. We have worked through them and come out stronger in the end. I wake up everyday and love her more than I did the day before, and when we come through one of those hard days, or rough fights, I realize I love her even more than the day before. From what I can gather from your writing you have given up so much to be with this man you love. You embarked on a journey not knowing where it would lead, because of love. You sacrificed a dream or two, because of love. You make choices you are not that thrilled about because of love. You work and pay the bills, while he is out living her dream, because of love. Is it always fair..no. Is it always fun..no. But you know what it is.......MARRIAGE! Why do we do it.....because of love. So the next time you run out of money in the grocery store because you have no money in your account, or the next time you are trying to pull out a miracle while trying to pay all the bills, know that in the end you are with this man who has replaced one of those dreams you had because of his passion, and the man who you would get on a bus and ride for hours to see his face on Christmas morning. This is your life good or bad. This is your husband and you are his wife. To have and hold, for good or bad times. So get over all the fighting, and bickering about small stuff. Find him and give him a kiss and tell him you love him. All of this will get better, because lets face it, could it get any worse.
Monica, You have had a lot of women's stories on marriage so I thought you could use a man's point of view. First, let me start off by saying, no out here in internet land can really no what you are going through, so I hope the advise and stories you read are helping you sort things out, or at the very least getting you through the day knowing other people have rough patches in their marriages...... The thing to keep in mind is they are just that....rough patches. Which means once you get through this rough patch it will be smooth for awhile, until you hit the next rough patch. I have been married for 5 years and during this time we have clawed and fought our way through some rough patches(sometimes literally). Our roughest patch came early in our marriage, within the first year in fact. Growing up us kids knew our parents loved each other, but they could not get along. Within a span of four months my brother graduated high school, my sister got married and moved out, and I also got married and moved out. I guess this felt like the perfect time for my parents to drop the bomb. They had been married for 26 years and decided they could no longer be together. Not so much as decided together, as my mom decided when my dad was serving in Iraq. Let me preface all this by saying something that you may understand......I grew up in a pretty active LDS home my entire life. So you of all people can imagine the questions going through my mind. To add to the problem, because I am the oldest, I became the new head of the family of sorts. My father would call and bitch about my mother, then my mother would call me and bitch about my father. My sister was obviously not happy in her marriage, which she unsuccessfully tried to hide from us. My brother tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pain medication. I spent the better part of a night sitting in an ER while he got his stomach pumped, and listened to my parents bicker about when my father was coming to pick up the rest of this stuff. Good times. With all this going on you can imagine how my marriage was going. I naturally had doubts about it. I began to wonder if this is how my life would turn out. I wondered if in twenty or thirty years I would suddenly decide I was done and end it all. I told myself I would not let it get to that point so I decided I would end now while she could still find happiness with someone else. So I went about my days. I shut my wife out so it would be easier to end things when the time came. As time when on I felt I should tell her what I was doing and why, so it would not hit her like a ton of bricks later. After all I still loved her. Needless to say she did not take it well. Instead of going into a hysterical rant, she told me "no." She said she would not let me give up on everything because I had doubt, or fears we would turn out like my parents. She told me she had fears and she had gone through a lot to get married to me(her parents hate me and they did not want her to marry someone of a different race). It was a hard time for the both of us, not knowing how it would all play out. As time went on I came to a realization. I loved her and she loved me. Regardless of the destination, sometimes it is the journey which makes it worth while. Along the way we would run into rough paths, and forks in the road, but we would face them together. I thought about all the ex's(girlfriends and fiancés) and realized I had searched for a person to share my life with, and there was no one else I wanted to take this adventure with. Since then we have had many other fights and rough times. We have worked through them and come out stronger in the end. I wake up everyday and love her more than I did the day before, and when we come through one of those hard days, or rough fights, I realize I love her even more than the day before. From what I can gather from your writing you have given up so much to be with this man you love. You embarked on a journey not knowing where it would lead, because of love. You sacrificed a dream or two, because of love. You make choices you are not that thrilled about because of love. You work and pay the bills, while he is out living her dream, because of love. Is it always fair..no. Is it always fun..no. But you know what it is.......MARRIAGE! Why do we do it.....because of love. So the next time you run out of money in the grocery store because you have no money in your account, or the next time you are trying to pull out a miracle while trying to pay all the bills, know that in the end you are with this man who has replaced one of those dreams you had because of his passion, and the man who you would get on a bus and ride for hours to see his face on Christmas morning. This is your life good or bad. This is your husband and you are his wife. To have and hold, for good or bad times. So get over all the fighting, and bickering about small stuff. Find him and give him a kiss and tell him you love him. All of this will get better, because lets face it, could it get any worse.
Update on Jan 5, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
(MONICA: H, YOU HAVE JUST REMINDED ME OF A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE I HAD. COMING SOON: BIG FIGHT - M*NICA GETS LOCKED OUT ON EX-BOYFRIENDS BALCONY AND HE CALLS THE POLICE)
have I got a story for you. I should preface this email by letting you know that I read your blog, I'm a big fan of your writing, blah blah blah. It's true, but I'm not emailing you just to put a gold star on your notebook for the day. You say you want to hear about our relationships. Well, I am a girl with a story of late that might just suit your fancy. Unfortunate, but true. I am so saddened by this recent turn of events that I am not quite sure if I will be able to write this. But, I have to. So, here goes. On Dec. 29th, late in the night after some cocktails and a week that was chock-full of activities with friends and family, I pretty much lost my shit. I picked a fight with my boyfriend earlier that was never resolved due to the company of friends. So. As I sat in a mind-numbing silence during their 1.5 hours of video-game playing (the latest christmas gift), I decided to leave. Not leave the relationship. But, leave the situation. I got my things together, I remained calm, and I told them all that I was just going to take off. My boyfriend (whom I love dearly, i swear) follows me out to my car and is pissed off that I have decided to leave when that was not the plan. I told him that I didn't feel like I was contributing to the evening at all and I was bored from watching them play video games. He got even more mad (I could see it in his eyes) and then said "Fine, you should go. You've already made up your mind, so just go." So. Now, he's mad. When he gets mad, I need to talk about it. But when he gets mad, he also shuts down and refuses to talk to me about ANYTHING. He needs space, I get it. But, it is the holidays and I don't want to give him space, I just want to fix it. So, I don't leave. I tell him that we have to talk about it, if he is really angry and he tells me that he doesn't have anything to say to me. I am so frustrated at this point that I actually did kick him in the balls. I hate myself for losing it like that, but I did. He turned at the last second so the family jewels are safe. But, needless to say, at this point, he REALLY wants me to leave and follows me into the house again, watches me sit down on the couch and then tells me in no uncertain terms that I am not welcome in his home. And he locks me out. And i sat outside for an hour or so, knocking and smoking. Waiting for him to come around. But, it was a futile effort. I went home at 4am. I had dreams about him all night long. I woke up and prayed that it had all been a nightmare. But the reality of things have a way of sticking. Ultimately, this tale is still working on a happy ending. We talked a couple of days after the incident, and we decided we were breaking up. I didn't eat for 2-3 days. I prayed. And it killed me to know that we were decided that whatever kind of love we had wasn't enough. Then, the next night we both knew that we couldn't do it. We couldn't live without each other, even if we wanted to. He's amazing. Frustrating sometimes, but amazing in more ways than I can possibly count. And now we are both in counseling. Separately. So that we can learn how to be together and react to each other in a more positive way. I am learning how to handle my anxiety issues and working with a therapist to come up with new strategies to re-train my brain. He is listening more and opening himself to conversations with me that I never thought possible. It is not an easy road, but we are coming out of a very dark period and there is a new kind of light in our relationship. The kind that illuminates us both from a new place entirely. The kind that means we believe in us, so there will always be hope for the future and determination to make things better each day. I don't know if this will help you at all, but I hope in some small way, it will. Hold onto what you have and listen to your heart. The worries about the future must be set aside from time to time so that you can truly concentrate on the present and create the future together. Love & best new year wishes - H
have I got a story for you. I should preface this email by letting you know that I read your blog, I'm a big fan of your writing, blah blah blah. It's true, but I'm not emailing you just to put a gold star on your notebook for the day. You say you want to hear about our relationships. Well, I am a girl with a story of late that might just suit your fancy. Unfortunate, but true. I am so saddened by this recent turn of events that I am not quite sure if I will be able to write this. But, I have to. So, here goes. On Dec. 29th, late in the night after some cocktails and a week that was chock-full of activities with friends and family, I pretty much lost my shit. I picked a fight with my boyfriend earlier that was never resolved due to the company of friends. So. As I sat in a mind-numbing silence during their 1.5 hours of video-game playing (the latest christmas gift), I decided to leave. Not leave the relationship. But, leave the situation. I got my things together, I remained calm, and I told them all that I was just going to take off. My boyfriend (whom I love dearly, i swear) follows me out to my car and is pissed off that I have decided to leave when that was not the plan. I told him that I didn't feel like I was contributing to the evening at all and I was bored from watching them play video games. He got even more mad (I could see it in his eyes) and then said "Fine, you should go. You've already made up your mind, so just go." So. Now, he's mad. When he gets mad, I need to talk about it. But when he gets mad, he also shuts down and refuses to talk to me about ANYTHING. He needs space, I get it. But, it is the holidays and I don't want to give him space, I just want to fix it. So, I don't leave. I tell him that we have to talk about it, if he is really angry and he tells me that he doesn't have anything to say to me. I am so frustrated at this point that I actually did kick him in the balls. I hate myself for losing it like that, but I did. He turned at the last second so the family jewels are safe. But, needless to say, at this point, he REALLY wants me to leave and follows me into the house again, watches me sit down on the couch and then tells me in no uncertain terms that I am not welcome in his home. And he locks me out. And i sat outside for an hour or so, knocking and smoking. Waiting for him to come around. But, it was a futile effort. I went home at 4am. I had dreams about him all night long. I woke up and prayed that it had all been a nightmare. But the reality of things have a way of sticking. Ultimately, this tale is still working on a happy ending. We talked a couple of days after the incident, and we decided we were breaking up. I didn't eat for 2-3 days. I prayed. And it killed me to know that we were decided that whatever kind of love we had wasn't enough. Then, the next night we both knew that we couldn't do it. We couldn't live without each other, even if we wanted to. He's amazing. Frustrating sometimes, but amazing in more ways than I can possibly count. And now we are both in counseling. Separately. So that we can learn how to be together and react to each other in a more positive way. I am learning how to handle my anxiety issues and working with a therapist to come up with new strategies to re-train my brain. He is listening more and opening himself to conversations with me that I never thought possible. It is not an easy road, but we are coming out of a very dark period and there is a new kind of light in our relationship. The kind that illuminates us both from a new place entirely. The kind that means we believe in us, so there will always be hope for the future and determination to make things better each day. I don't know if this will help you at all, but I hope in some small way, it will. Hold onto what you have and listen to your heart. The worries about the future must be set aside from time to time so that you can truly concentrate on the present and create the future together. Love & best new year wishes - H
Update on Jan 5, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
Hi Monica,
I read your blog almost every day and found your post from yesterday and I had to reply to it. I am currently in a relationship of a year and a half. Of course we fight and talked many a time of breaking it off...the "what is happening to us" conversation. But in the grand scheme of life there is nothing better then when I laugh at my man. When he dances for me, makes fun of my dorky comments and all in all makes me feel like I am a better person.
In saying that I did come from a failed marriage with huge issues. No one ever wants to talk about it, we keep smiling faces and act like all is good and great to our single, cynical friends. The moments of door slams, punching and crying...of course all of the foul language that goes with it made me think I was a terrible person. My hubby was a drug addict...smart, successful but high most of the time. The sad part is that I beleived him when he said he was on nothing, that I was crazy...I'm the one that went to counselling because I honestly thought maybe I was. Of course the anger I had to him was ferocious at times. I thought maybe this was the sacrifice of marriage...I had everything I wanted but no relationshipp to speak of. I tried and tried...he'd cancel plans all the time, ruin vacations because he would be detoxing or as he put it just sick. It always ended up being my fault somehow...I never told anyone because I had everything that most people wanted...but I questioned is it really what I wanted?? I begged him for babies...I begged him to talk to me and I begged him to just be interested...He never was. The day it changed for me was when he was going to rehab and I finally felt like I could breathe...I could tell people about my sham of a marriage...I also had a way out. By saying to myself "I don't know what the future holds" I knew it wouldn't be holding him. I had to give it a chance and when he came back from rehab I tried for 6 months...It was too late for us though...there were too many lies, no trust, no backbone to the relationship. I walked out with my tail between my legs and ran right into the arms of my current boyfriend. I left my million dollar home, my dog, my luxury car and slept on a mattress in my brothers apartment but I knew anything was better than staying. So I was the bad guy but I finally do not care...I wanted people to know that I tried but when they look through his eyes I failed...he was sick.
So I say...I just needed to do what was best for me and that is how I look at life because even on it's worst day in my current relationship it is still better then the best one in my marriage. I am happy but realize that life and everything that goes with it takes work. If you live in the moment and see that you have a job, a roof and a dog that loves you unconditionally you really can't complain...
By the way...I got to keep the dog :)
Update on Jan 5, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
I could tell you great tales of my dramatic romance
which
includes, superb 5 star hotel screaming matches and bar brawls that my
ex-fiance and I were in, almost 10 years ago. (geesh, it seems like
yesterday we were arguing over the color of a rental car for a whole
weekend
in CA. his flight was late and i had to wait at the airport for 4
hours
with no idea what hotel we were staying in or whether he was even on
the
plane.) But I'll spare you the sordid details but give you the advice
that
my young, stupid ass still didn't get even last spring ...COMPROMISE!!!
If
either one of us would have compromised, even on which side of the
street to
walk down, we would have walked down some aisle as man and wife. And
that
he wanted to reconcile last spring is amazing to me.
Monica, everything does work out in the end. and if it doesn't you
find a
new path to take you to the end of that road. having all the answers
would
make life so boring. it's hard, i'll agree with you there, when you
think
about the bills and the medical benefits and read the bulletins on
every
other screen about how babies are so expensive and how much you should
have
in the bank, blah, blah, blah...but you look back at simpler times and
your
mom did it...my mom did it...and when faced with what you believe is
the
impossible, maybe it's a little work, but you're crafty and smart and
you'll
find the proverbial cigarettes in the toy store. who woulda thunk that
a
toy store sold smokes?!?
oh, and communicate!!! the "experts" are right about that one. if you
don't talk about stuff...i'm moving to arizona...i bought the house
that
you've wanted since you were 17 and am moving back to michigan,
permenantly
(that's what might happen when you don't discuss your
plans/goals/dreams)
...you'll end up sitting at a bar 10 years later and talking about the
stuff
you didn't tell the other person and wondering 'if'...
glad you've decided to keep holding on tightly and figuring out the big
bad
world together.
life is what happens after you've laid out your plans
and the best laid plans are made of good intentions
use your gut when decided what plans to lay - A
Update on Jan 5, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
(MONICA: YOU ARE RIGHT ON WITH THE FARGO THING...)
alright. alright. you want to know. so does everyone. i will tell you our tale and you can do with it whatever you want. i will not be proofreading or editing this. I am typing it once and pressing send. that's the only way it can be real.
we had a HORRIBLE courtship. we fought constantly. we met online. i liked him right off but he was too eager. he loved me. wanted me in his life. was all the things i wanted but i couldn't see it for his eagerness. i pushed him away at every turn. i flailed like a fish caught on a line. i broke up. i moved out. i moved to california, from NYC. i moved back. i moved in with him. i moved out. i went back to school. in the meantime i prayed my real partner would turn up. this guy was ok but i was ready for the REAL guy to turn up..............come on, come on wheare are you????
he dated others. i became insanely jealous. i met someone else online and went to meet him in sun valley............. i was a total and complete asshole. i pushed i pulled. go away!!! come closer!!! it was exhausting.
one night he invited another woman to his (OUR!!!!! ) apt for dinner. he cooked for her. they danced together. she drank too much. i called him like a lunatic every 2 minutes. she was ill from drinking too much. i demanded he call a taxi for her.
then. we were broken up but still hanging out and we left his (OUR!!!!) apartment, one icy day in the Winter. I was being particularly loathesome. He said, """" Give me your hand, I don't want you to fall"...........and I was struck by a bolt of lightning. He gave A SHIT!!!! This guy that I was putting through the mill didn't want me to fall. Hmmm.......
Then, and you have NOOOO idea how uncharacteristic this is of me........... we decided to make a very last ditch effort at saving or separating finally.......we went to this couples' retreat thing. we broke up in the car on the way to the retreat about 4 times. i couldn't imagine making it through the weekend.
it changed our lives. we have been totally solid every since. i would fight a lion for him. i would walk on hot coals.
we are 1000 xs better at being married than dating.
and yet, i have told him i feel gipped that we were robbed of the classic loving courtship........... this is supposedly the best time. it wasn't to be.
rent Fargo and study it. if you can attain the lovingness of the cop and her hub .... you've done good.
hang in there guys... hang in.
Update on Jan 6, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
Fuck, M*nica, since I saw your writing assignment that you'd given us, I thought I should sit and write--but the fuckwads at work took a bit more of me than they pay me for so it hasn't been until tonight, Friday night, that I had the gumption to actually write.
During the fall of my junior year, I noticed a new columnist for the school newspaper (Univ. of Alabama) who had some fairly progressive (read: LIBERAL) notions about the world, something that is somewhat difficult to find in these parts. But, more importantly, I'd never seen anyone string together words like he did. I was impressed. Floored, rather. I took to cutting out his columns (they appeared each Wednesday) and taping them on my wall. My boyfriend wasn't impressed.
The next semester I signed up for an upper level English class that included both undergrad and grad students. My first day of class, THAT writer was there, in my class! A grad student in the creative writing department, I thought he was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. A tall, older redhead with blue eyes, always scuffing about in a pair of suede boots, his motorcycle frequently parked beneath our classroom window.
A few months into the semester, we were in class one day and we were doing what English majors do--having some self-important, contrived discussion about the most beautiful words in the English language. Each self-inflated prick was trying to outdo the other when the redheaded man in the back raised his hand...his voice was low and booming when he said, "I've heard that the most beautiful word in the language is 'gonorrhea'." There was an audible gasp that drowned out my laughter and all I really wanted to do was climb over those desks and fuck him right there...albeit the University likely wouldn't have approved, nor would've my boyfriend.
Not more than a week or two later, I split with my boyfriend and, being amazingly shy when it comes to guys, I gave a friend of mine $20 to call that guy from my class to give him my number. He called the next night and we both knew it was special.
I moved in with him about 6 weeks after our first date and we got married about a year and a half later. We'd both come from families of modest income (read: fucking poor!), but we were both driven. We started a real estate business with the idea that the money would give us the freedom and stability to do what we really wanted to do in life. It sucked our souls from us is what it really did.
Monica, this man, the only man to whom I could ever talk, became someone on the surface who I didn't like. We fought...we fought and fought and fought. "Fuck you" was sometimes the most civilized thing we said to each other until I did the one thing that ended the relationship: I stopped talking, stopped fighting.
I got to this point in my life where, it wasn't that I didn't care, but I felt like I was strapped on a roller coaster and the more money we had, the faster and larger the roller coaster became. And I craved flat earth. Nothing but flat, flat earth. I finally sought that flatness by filing for divorce. It was final a week before our tenth anniversary. And even then I could tell you that I didn't divorce him because I no longer cared, but because I was too hurt to see that it could or would work.
I spent the first two years reeling from the divorce, fresh off of the roller coaster and, seemingly, puking behind the rubber plant. And then it hit me: I was on a roller coaster still, except this time, there was nobody sitting there next to me.
To this day, there is one thing he told me that still rings in my ears, the wisdom of it beyond what I could appreciate back then: People who love passionately fight passionately. The roller coaster is, indeed, love sometimes. Yes, every single one of those "fuck yous" is a sign that you still care--otherwise, why would you bother to fight?
I read what you have to say about your relationship with Serge and I see so many similarities--not just in the relationship but in your backgrounds. And I also see now what I couldn't see then, back when I was married: you two are both right. Serge is right--lighten up, it really will work out (D was the seemingly laid-back artist in our relationship). And you're right because you've got to plan for your future (I was the sensitive, neurotic ninny who just wanted things to be "normal"). D and I had the same fights (when I'd still fight him) and damn, how a few more years of wisdom could've changed our relationship.
Now, D and I both freely admit that we were the loves of each other's lives but, well, we screwed it up. We still e-mail back and forth, sometimes more frequently and amicably than others, but I do know that when I posted the short story that is the blueprint for my novel, I wanted his response more than any other.
I haven't dated much for a while now. In fact, for me, 8, almost 9 years after our divorce, I've almost decided that the reason I'm still on this roller coaster alone is because there's no longer a seat next to me.
D now teaches at Indiana University at South Bend and has two collections out and I, well, I'm here in Alabama still, working on fulfilling my three New Year's resolutions: finish the novel (I have to get it done!), drink more (I can't be a neurotic for the rest of my life, can I?) and to date more (because, you know, for me, roller coasters are better when you're not going it alone, no matter how many times you puke behind the rubber plants).
Be safe, Monica, and you two play pretty. We're all pulling for both of you - A
During the fall of my junior year, I noticed a new columnist for the school newspaper (Univ. of Alabama) who had some fairly progressive (read: LIBERAL) notions about the world, something that is somewhat difficult to find in these parts. But, more importantly, I'd never seen anyone string together words like he did. I was impressed. Floored, rather. I took to cutting out his columns (they appeared each Wednesday) and taping them on my wall. My boyfriend wasn't impressed.
The next semester I signed up for an upper level English class that included both undergrad and grad students. My first day of class, THAT writer was there, in my class! A grad student in the creative writing department, I thought he was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. A tall, older redhead with blue eyes, always scuffing about in a pair of suede boots, his motorcycle frequently parked beneath our classroom window.
A few months into the semester, we were in class one day and we were doing what English majors do--having some self-important, contrived discussion about the most beautiful words in the English language. Each self-inflated prick was trying to outdo the other when the redheaded man in the back raised his hand...his voice was low and booming when he said, "I've heard that the most beautiful word in the language is 'gonorrhea'." There was an audible gasp that drowned out my laughter and all I really wanted to do was climb over those desks and fuck him right there...albeit the University likely wouldn't have approved, nor would've my boyfriend.
Not more than a week or two later, I split with my boyfriend and, being amazingly shy when it comes to guys, I gave a friend of mine $20 to call that guy from my class to give him my number. He called the next night and we both knew it was special.
I moved in with him about 6 weeks after our first date and we got married about a year and a half later. We'd both come from families of modest income (read: fucking poor!), but we were both driven. We started a real estate business with the idea that the money would give us the freedom and stability to do what we really wanted to do in life. It sucked our souls from us is what it really did.
Monica, this man, the only man to whom I could ever talk, became someone on the surface who I didn't like. We fought...we fought and fought and fought. "Fuck you" was sometimes the most civilized thing we said to each other until I did the one thing that ended the relationship: I stopped talking, stopped fighting.
I got to this point in my life where, it wasn't that I didn't care, but I felt like I was strapped on a roller coaster and the more money we had, the faster and larger the roller coaster became. And I craved flat earth. Nothing but flat, flat earth. I finally sought that flatness by filing for divorce. It was final a week before our tenth anniversary. And even then I could tell you that I didn't divorce him because I no longer cared, but because I was too hurt to see that it could or would work.
I spent the first two years reeling from the divorce, fresh off of the roller coaster and, seemingly, puking behind the rubber plant. And then it hit me: I was on a roller coaster still, except this time, there was nobody sitting there next to me.
To this day, there is one thing he told me that still rings in my ears, the wisdom of it beyond what I could appreciate back then: People who love passionately fight passionately. The roller coaster is, indeed, love sometimes. Yes, every single one of those "fuck yous" is a sign that you still care--otherwise, why would you bother to fight?
I read what you have to say about your relationship with Serge and I see so many similarities--not just in the relationship but in your backgrounds. And I also see now what I couldn't see then, back when I was married: you two are both right. Serge is right--lighten up, it really will work out (D was the seemingly laid-back artist in our relationship). And you're right because you've got to plan for your future (I was the sensitive, neurotic ninny who just wanted things to be "normal"). D and I had the same fights (when I'd still fight him) and damn, how a few more years of wisdom could've changed our relationship.
Now, D and I both freely admit that we were the loves of each other's lives but, well, we screwed it up. We still e-mail back and forth, sometimes more frequently and amicably than others, but I do know that when I posted the short story that is the blueprint for my novel, I wanted his response more than any other.
I haven't dated much for a while now. In fact, for me, 8, almost 9 years after our divorce, I've almost decided that the reason I'm still on this roller coaster alone is because there's no longer a seat next to me.
D now teaches at Indiana University at South Bend and has two collections out and I, well, I'm here in Alabama still, working on fulfilling my three New Year's resolutions: finish the novel (I have to get it done!), drink more (I can't be a neurotic for the rest of my life, can I?) and to date more (because, you know, for me, roller coasters are better when you're not going it alone, no matter how many times you puke behind the rubber plants).
Be safe, Monica, and you two play pretty. We're all pulling for both of you - A
Update on Jan 8, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
I've been reading all the responses to your recent post about marriage and have been crying for the last half hour. I'm not married and I probably have the worst opinion of it than anyone I know, so I couldn't offer any advice that would be of any help. Except that I do have many friends that are married and I suppose marriage is like any relationship. When you make a decision to have a person in your life, to be their friend and confidant, you can't just run when the first sign of trouble comes. I always think about the many close friends that I have in my life. These are people I have chosen to give myself to in many ways, I have invested time, energy and not to mention I've trusted them with some of my most intimate secrets. I don't take that stuff lightly. I know friendships aren't exactly the same as marriage, but there have been many times in my past where I have had disagreements with friends and sometimes just want to throw them out the window. The reason I don't is because I had made a decision way back when that I would accept this person for exactly who they were. The good and the bad. I chose and still choose to love them just as they are. I don't have to agree with them and I can even argue with them, but I know they love me and I love them.
Though I am not married, I have learned some things from watching those I love around me experience marriage. It seems that sometimes the marriages you think would never last outlast those you thought would last forever. Go figure. One of my friends in particular, who is married, I would have bet my life that her marriage was doomed from the start and wouldn't last longer than a year. She got married because she was pregnant. She didn't even know this man very well and I thought she was making the biggest mistake. A month after the quickie Las Vegas wedding, she had a miscarriage. I figured that would be the end, but she soon got pregnant again and had the baby. About 3 or 4 years after that she wanted out. She had always had a good example to look up to as far as marriage was concerned. Her parents are still married and very much in love. After lots of advice from her parents, she decided to stick it out and now has 3 beautiful daughters and seems to be very happy. I guess you just have to get over the rough patch. You are a good person (from what I can see at this distance). Don't give up on it - C
Though I am not married, I have learned some things from watching those I love around me experience marriage. It seems that sometimes the marriages you think would never last outlast those you thought would last forever. Go figure. One of my friends in particular, who is married, I would have bet my life that her marriage was doomed from the start and wouldn't last longer than a year. She got married because she was pregnant. She didn't even know this man very well and I thought she was making the biggest mistake. A month after the quickie Las Vegas wedding, she had a miscarriage. I figured that would be the end, but she soon got pregnant again and had the baby. About 3 or 4 years after that she wanted out. She had always had a good example to look up to as far as marriage was concerned. Her parents are still married and very much in love. After lots of advice from her parents, she decided to stick it out and now has 3 beautiful daughters and seems to be very happy. I guess you just have to get over the rough patch. You are a good person (from what I can see at this distance). Don't give up on it - C
Update on Jan 12, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
Thank you for being so honest about your marriage. I have been married for 18 months and have figuring out creative ways to kick my husband in the balls. Reading about your difficulties has helped me realize that I am not a freak.
You blog makes my day. I have grown up as a non-Mormon in Utah and I can relate to so many things that you talk about.
You blog makes my day. I have grown up as a non-Mormon in Utah and I can relate to so many things that you talk about.
Update on Jan 25, 2007 by
MonicaBielanko
MonicaBielanko
always good to "meet" another person who knows what it's like to live a completely upside down life. i'm in TV and have done my fair share (although not as fair as some, i suppose) of morning show producing. blech. i totally get the 12 am to 9 am bit. although after a certain point i just couldn't take it, and PRAISE GOD now i work for a cable station where i yes, miss the live aspect, but can also have some semblance of a normal life. i say semblance b/c as i'm sure you know, no life in TV is ever normal.
anyway, i found your blog thru violent acres and spent a good part of my "working" day reading thru some of it. stumbled across the section you wrote about your marriage problems. i know it's kind of old news by now, but i totally get where you're coming from on this. i've been married for three years and for the majority of those years i didn't think we were going to make it. this is the first year that i've actually been happy - with our relationship, our married life, and thus MY life. those first two years were miserable - i won't bore you with the ins-and-outs. as to what got us thru it, i'm not really sure. therapy helped but i think it was due in a large part to the fact that when i would have thrown in the towel, my husband WOULD NOT give up. this kind of drove me crazy, but he wouldn't LET ME give up. and so we kept plodding on, false starts, fights, regressions, hours and thousands of dollars of therapy and all. and i can say i'm glad we did and i'm pretty sure the pain we went thru was a lot less than if we'd split up. i know history isn't a reason to stay together, but when you've been with someone since you were 18 (as we have), so much of your life (and also your immaturity) is wrapped up in eachother that it kind of gives you an extra little push - to grow up together, anyway.
dont' know why i felt compelled to share all this. something in your writing just struck a chord, and i guess the (false) anonymity on the internet makes it easier to bare your soul!
good luck with everything - A