Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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What They Never Tell You...

Need I write more? Seriously. You married or divorced folks out there are chuckling.. Perhaps you issued a faint amen sister under your breath... and all the rest of you single motherfuckers out there are clucking at my pessimistic outlook.

My Rick isn't like that! We're so in looove. The Ricker, he's sooo romantic! you chirp ever so perkily. Little do you know the rest of us married folk are giggling with glee... literally snotting into the hands that cover our smirking lips over your ignorance.

Getting married? Oh yes.. we smile, buy cards and pen lovely sentiments inside. We wrap blenders and toasters and microwaves.. oh my.. and we bring them to your weddings. And then we drive home LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF!

Here is why: Nobody tells you that during that first year you will be watching an episode of CSI in which the distraught wife slits her asshole husband's windpipe AND TOTALLY RELATING! In fact, you're taking notes on the motherfucking drama so as to avoid getting caught should you choose to end your betrothed's life in much the same fashion.

Listen up! Being married is a MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! I don't care how long you've dated and how romantic your significant other pretends to be. Your first year of marriage will be spent recovering from the shock of entwining your life with some dude who gave you goosebumps once when he kissed you.

After the first melodramatic, marital confrontation over who-knows-what you will long for your significant other, A.K.A. 'motherfucker' to just get the fuck out of the house. Except he lives there now! You will be so sick of him always being there, all up in your face.... monitoring your wine consumption, your cookie dough intake, making fun of your penchant for watching The Hills... Don't you have a life you big cereal guzzling, bathroom dirtying, snoring motherfucker, you'll whisper to yourself as you watch your formerly dashing beau - the man who once left roses on your doorstep FOR NO REASON! - inhale three bowls of Trix (milk dribbling unsexily down his chin) in the amount of time it takes him to change the channel from NASCAR to the fishing channel.

And THAT, my friends, is what they never tell you...

Reader Comments (54)

Forget the first year...they are all fuckin' painful...if we have one more fight that ends in one of us threatening *very seriously I might add*, 'I am going to punch you in the face' Dr. Phil is going to take up permanent residence on our couch!

Ahhhh marriage!

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

Ha... loved your post.

I've having trouble meeting a guy that I actually want to watch CSI with let alone marry one.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

oh yes! you perfectly get the P O I N T my friend, and I'm asking whywhywhy? really is it beacause of these roses on my doorstep? :))))

great post!

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterana

I totally agree! We're heading to our 8th year of marriage but still our friends say we seem to have married a year ago, as we constantly disagree over petty matters. But I quess that heat keeps us together!
So hold on, the best is yet to come.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNika

My fiance balls his socks up when he throws them into the hamper. I'm THISCLOSE to just letting them to into the washing machine like that. Ew.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbloggadocio

Maybe he should do his own laundry.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjls

so what have you learned about love since tying the knot?

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteruh...

Those little quirks that once were so endearing become completely unbearable over time. On a bad day, even his laugh will drive me insane.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

You just confirmed the reason I'm 35 and still single. My 9 yr old son drives me crazy enough - having him around every single day - a grown one??? OMG - help!! lol

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCheri

28 and single, I know why, I won't put up with anyone else's shit! I can barely put up with my own. My room is a mess, imagine what it would be like if another man's things were in there, FUCK THAT! Plus when you are single you can fuck anyone you want! YEA!

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJen

words of truth. our first two years were BLOODY AWFUL - overall, some of the worse of my life. i wish someone, somewhere had been so frank with me - not that i would have listened, i guess. we stuck it out, got some counseling, and while he still is a "motherfucker" sometimes, the last couple years have been 110% better. when i have friends get married, i try and be as honest w/them as possible, just so they won't be completely shocked if they end up completely by-passing that "honeymoon" phase. seriously, who has that phase?

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterstella6

Look at what you all wrote about -- minor stuff. Yeah, it can bug the shit out of you, but it sure is nice to have a partner who's got your back when times are rough and will be there and put up with your shit like you put up with his. Life is hard, but it's easier when you know you have someone who will always be in your corner, even when you screw up or smell bad, someone who knows all about your bad bits and still loves you.

I got that, and it has been worth all the annoying tics, messy rooms and bad habits.

Then again, courtesy of the Bob Dylan Radio Hour:

"Marriage is like getting into a tub of hot water. Once you get used to it, it ain't so hot." - Minnie Pearl

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we got married." - Rodney Dangerfield

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjls

And then there was the time she punched me in the nuts. Yeah, so I left a few wandering beard clippings in the sink. So what? It's not like I left a Maxi-pad wrapper hanging from the side of the sink by its only arm--just waiting for its former contents to come visit later. Much less-tidy than before, I might add. Wives. Hmph.


April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNick Badway

Could be worse. Your hubby could have crushed up those three bowls of Trix and snorted them.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjoe

It sounds so lonely to be married to someone like your husband, isn't it hard with him being away all the time?

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJennilaya

Wow, thanks girl! You're right, nobody ever talks about how married people sometimes fight! Thank god you're so REAL.

Way to present your terrible marriage as a universal truth though. Some of us in relationships (who, incidentally, don't give a shit about the meaningless institution of marriage) know what it's like to have bad fights w/ our significant others, and yet TALK LIKE ADULTS AND WORK OUT THE PROBLEMS. Crazy what can happen when you have two emotionally mature people in a relationship instead of two seventh graders, right?

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterveronica

My parents will be married forty years in September. The volatile mix of my mothers's annoying habits and my father's short temper often caused violent explosions. I would rarely have categorized my parent's marriage as a happy one. But I am confident they have never fallen out of love with each other.

My mother is now very sick with a debilitating condition known as Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD). For three years, it has caused severe, unrelenting pain. My mother is a barely functioning human being because of this. My father retired earlier than he wanted to so he could take care of her. (My brother and I live far away.) He feeds her, administers her medication three times a day, constantly takes her to doctors, and handles her many emergencies. And despite his justifiable frustration, he is emotionally supportive.

I cannot imagine my mother surviving this long without a loving spouse.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDan

I keep trying to tell my sister this who is in love and talking marriage. She doesn't believe me but I think in about 2 years I'll be laughing my head off at her.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Marriage has to suck so much just so when you get divorced (three years too late) you are happy about it instead of devestated.

Men have never been as unattractive as they are in marriage...motherfucker is right.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMel

That was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever read....

Thanks for the laugh! I needed it! And having been married for 15 years...well, you know.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJules in L.A.

Another thought:

Marriage is a big problem for the women most attracted to mystery. Cause after getting married and living together for a long time, how can any mystery remain?

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDan

WOW - somebody woke up ANGRY today eh? Even a seventh grader can tell that Monica was being F.U.N.N.Y....

"Way to present your terrible marriage as a universal truth though. Some of us in relationships (who, incidentally, don't give a shit about the meaningless institution of marriage) know what it's like to have bad fights w/ our significant others, and yet TALK LIKE ADULTS AND WORK OUT THE PROBLEMS. Crazy what can happen when you have two emotionally mature people in a relationship instead of two seventh graders, right?"

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

Veronica, you are so totally above the meaningless institution of marriage? How mature! The rest of us married idiots envy you your sophistication. Get a sense of humor. Funny post Monica. Definitely nice to know other people feel the same way I occasionally do and yet still love their significant other as much as you and Serge seem to.

Maybe if more people talked about what marriage is really like, not as many people would divorce so quickly. My girlfriend just divorced after 7 months of marriage. What? Unless somebody beat you up or cheated on you, there is no reason to divorce after 7 months. People are so ready to jump ship these days.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

Michelle, did your "girlfriend" get married after knowing the guy for two months? It's not that people are jumping off the ship too early, it's that they're getting on it too soon because they somehow think it's significantly different than being in a long term relationship, a ridiculous idea that Monica would like to perpetuate.

Anyone...anyone...please explain to me any jokes or humor in this post. It just seems like narcissism masked in cloying cliches to me. (Hint to Richelle: If you have to spell funny, you're probably not.)

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterveronica

Well....I think someone is alittle bitchy EH..Veronica?
Anyways.....I just got divorced last year after being together for 15 years -I'm 33yrs old. It's very sad but also very exciting! Monica your post was not only FUNNY it's sooooooo true! You think he wasnt such a Motherfucker when we were dating... who the fuck did I marry!
Keep up the good posts & ignore the negative posts!

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJrLouie

What? Not sure I follow you on the narcissism in the post - but it's certainly dripping from your comments. Monica isn't perpetuating any idea other than marriage is hard. Because it is. I laughed all the way through the post. By the way, ridiculing people on grammar and mispellings in blog comments is just a lazy attempt to further your point. My point? Your original comment could have been couched in nicer terms, but you decided to be a bitch right out of the gate by calling Monica's marriage terrible. Her marriage sounds no different than anyone else's I know. For that matter, considering the tone of previous posts I'd say she has a pretty solid marriage and a good grasp on what it takes to keep it that way.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

I think people with an attitude like Veronica's have made the "institution of marriage" romantic again. It takes guts to make the commitment. Quite honestly, I'm sick of people with that whole "we don't need a piece of paper to prove our love." It isn't about a piece of paper, idiot. It's about an old fashioned ideal of love and commitment within a family unit.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterS

Michelle -- that's not what I hear about Monica's marriage. I wasn't making fun of Richelle's grammar or spelling, I was making fun of her diction. Also, please look up the word "narcissism."

I was bitchy right out of the gate because I don't appreciate being told how "everyone" (which would have to include me) is, or that I'm a certain way because of my marital status, especially when those ideas are coming from someone who thinks she's in a common situation but isn't. Regardless of the terms it's couched in (I think you said it was supposed to be comedy?), that's offensive, narcissistic behavior. If you go into a relationship expecting sunshine and lollipops, you deserve what you get. If you go into a relationship as an adult with adult expectations and adult coping mechanisms, and you build your relationship from a foundation of mutual trust and respect, no relationship, marriage included, is *that* kind of a motherfucker. And I don't appreciate being told that my relationships are just because HER relationship is.

As for S, the "commitment" of marriage doesn't take guts, it takes a total lack of balls. It takes a total sublimation to societal norms and an unwillingness to go against the zeitgeist, an unwillingness to have awful people like you assume you know their motives, and an unwillingness to be criticized by those same awful people for *their* ideals of love and commitment. Your "old fashioned ideal[s] of love and commitment" have done a lot of damage in this country, but keep cheerleading for them if it makes you feel better!

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterveronica

"Michelle -- that's not what I hear about Monica's marriage."

That just kills me that you'd leave a comment like that on someone's blog. If you're friends with Monica or run in the same circles then that's shit that you'd write that. If you aren't, it's just bullshit speculation and you're an asshole for repeating it here. Also, it's a funny blog, not a thesis on marriage. Relax.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSela

And I AM friends with Monica and I know that Serge gets a kick out of her blogs.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSela

Dear God Veronica! It's someone's opinion on marriage and you don't need to take it so personally. It's not like she was commenting on your uber hip, non official relationship.

I think Monica has written enough posts about how much she loves her husband to prove she's having a little fun. And shame on you for your snotty little "that's not what I hear" comment. Someone must be spending some time on that annoying ex-girlfriend's blog.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJAY

What is the world coming to when people can't even be funny on a Friday anymore without someone taking it as a personal attack?! Everyone just take a breath and let Monica post whatever the hell she wants to - remembering that usually it is supposed to be funny.

Veronica - you have driven me to drink. I have a date with a bottle of vodka - I hear he has a great sense of humour - he's funny at a seventh grade level!

Have a great weekend.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

My marriage will have lasted 5 years (May 3rd) ONLY because the jackass refuses to compromise on the equity in the house. We've been battling it out in divorce court for 9 grueling months... and all I can say is that I agree with Mel -- I am so sick of him that I'm way over being "devastated."

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterM

Wow! That is all I can say about Veronica. Marriage is ruining the country eh? That's news to me, I better hurry up and get divorced so that I can stop contributing to the desolution of this country. Monica, how the hell do you put up with these bullshit comments? Veronica, obviously you knew you would get negative feedback on those comments you made, maybe you are an attention whore. Or maybe your boyfriend just doesn't WANT to marry you. Oh, well, at least bloggers will give you the attention you are desperate for! Monica, I love your blog, keep at it!

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterk

I'm a reformed commitmentphobe and I love being married. We're happy. Very rarely do I want to knock his teeth in. That said, I'm not naive and I expect lots of hardship down the road.

So much b.s. in the comments. Why harsh each other? We all just get by however we can. Married, single, whatever. I'm constantly amazed how riled up everyone gets over Monica's posts. The tampon I get that one...but this? Calm down people!!

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersusan

(I'm ignoring the exasperating catfight)
Monica, I read your blog just as i was having second thoughts about marrying the guy i'm with right now. AAAAAAAACK! what does it mean that i already want space from him and we don't even live together?! Oi. thanks for the real warning. ... reality--yuck.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterscared

Veronica, here's a tip: don't read this blog. You obviously have no respect for its author, no appreciation of her sensibility, and no capacity to interact with manners (or, um, the emotional maturity and coping skills you claim to have so mastered in your relationship) in cyberspace. So, use your big ole brain and click elsewhere.

Monica, nice to read you again.

April 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterANYCWC

Marriage, and any loving committed relationship, is a beautiful thing. Painful occassionally and difficult? Of course. I'll be honest and say that I don't think all marriages are like Monica's. And I think people have a full right to comment on her marriage when she writes about it so publicly. Part of the problem with this post is the idea of simply marrying "some dude who gave you goosebumps once when he kissed you." You need more from the start than simply passion. It's obvious that Monica and Serge are in love. You don't put up with being in frequent throwing-my-$10-wedding-ring fights if you don't have something stronger to hold it together, but only in the heat of the moment would I ever call a man I love a "motherfucker." I certainly wouldn't thoughtfully compose those ideas, type them, and post them on the Internet.

April 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSKJ983

That's a very legitimate point, SK. And I DO think a marriage that takes place after 3 months is fundamentally different than most marriages these days, which are embarked upon after years of dating and often living together...a lot of the drama Monica writes about in terms of her marriage seems to me mainly borne of cohabiting before you really know someone.\But I also think Monica's language is part of her style--I actually think 'motherfucker' is sort of a term of endearment for her.

April 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterANYCWC

That would be correct ANYCWC... And while a marriage that takes place after three months may have been "fundamentally different" at that time I have now been married nearly three years and the difference from any other "normal marriage" is negligible. Both my husband and I are passionate people (and oftentimes asshole-ish immature people) and I share that with you honestly and sometimes sarcastically.. but those of you who think anything about the above post means I'm not madly in love with my husband - don't understand me and you're probably going to dislike most of what I write about.

The fact that I acknowledge these things and still want to be married to Serge forever is the implication. If you can't grasp that - well, then our senses of humor our vastly different and you should probably go read another blog instead of wasting your time commenting on this one. While I appreciate spirited discussion like the kind some of you have engaged in - someone who calls me juvenile and then turns around and says "that's not what I've heard about her marriage" is just a hypocrite - someone looking to be mean and anyone like that can go fuck herself - or go have drinks with your friends and discuss how, like, totally amazing your commitment is with your life partner, Veronica. Nothing annoys me more than folks who pretend everything's fantastic. Those are generally the women you see featured on Oxygen's SNAPPED after they lost it one night and shot their husband (ooh, sorry Veronica, I mean "partner") 39 times and buried him in the backyard.

As for me? I prefer to write and talk about the dark side of certain things, sometimes with humor, sometimes without. But it works for me and helps me make light of situations that may otherwise be difficult to deal with. There are a million and five blogs out there in which women pretend to be who they wish they were and not who they are.. May I kindly direct you thataway? Because I feel a post coming on in which I discuss the time I tried to jump out of a moving vehicle on the Jersey Turnpike just to spite Serge...

April 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who

as a sometime reader who is pretty surprised by the viciousness of the comments (when they are turned on, which they only seem to be sometimes) that are posted here, i feel like there seems to be two problems: 1) obviously the trolls who just attack without making a good point about anything (who don't bother me much because they are pretty easily ignored) and 2) (and to my mind a much bigger problem) the fact that no one, friend or foe, can disagree with monica without being attacked, sometimes spitefully and unnecessarily. not by monica, mind you, who for the most part doesn't seem to mind encouraging real discussion and doesn't seem to be afraid of criticism, but by her readers who are so quick to jump to her "defense" by slamming anyone with a viewpoint other than hers, even when people aren't being "bitchy" (and i'm not talking about veronica). this often seems to make the conversation degenerate into some kind of insult contest and then the comments are turned off. i stopped reading this blog for a long time because monica was sort of leaving me with a bad taste (sorry), but then i realized it's actually most of her loyal readers who make me feel that way. how about ignoring the trolls and letting everyone else speak their minds, even if what they think differs from monica? would that really be so hard?

April 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterr

why even acknowledge this "veronica" just vilidates and encourages her. in my opinion not worth it. monica is very talented and funny and share herself with us which is a gift. don't give someone like "veronica" the satisfaction of responding...not worth it.

April 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermap

Hi Monica! Am having meatballs w the gang at Metro before we watch The Sopranos. Miss you a lot. I love you.


April 22, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterserge

Hi baby. Love you too! Thanks for playing, everyone.

April 22, 2007 | Registered CommenterMonica

Story about the Jersey Turnpike, please!

April 22, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEDW

somebody emailed me this... I really like it.


I married him because he was so easy going.
I divorced him because he would never assert himself.

I married him because he was the life of the party.
I divorced him because he drank too much.

I married him because he was kind and gentle to children.
I divorced him because he would never discipline our daughter.

I married him because he would tell such funny stories.
I divorced him because he always made me the butt of his jokes when he
was drinking.

I married him because he didn't spend a fortune on clothes.
I divorced him because he dressed like a bum.

I married him because he had a close bunch of jovial friends.
I divorced him because all his friends were alcoholics.

I married him because he was a gentle lover.
I divorced him because his lovemaking lacked passion.

I married him because he knew how to save money.
I divorced him because he never wanted to buy anything nice.

I married him because he didn't paw all over me in public.
I divorced him because he never touched or hugged me.

I married him because he seemed so intelligent.
I divorced him because all he ever said was 'I don't know.'

I married him because he didn't spend money foolishly.
I divorced him because he never bought me thoughtful little gifts.

I married him because he never said anything bad about anyone.
I divorced him because he didn't know a fool when he met one.

I married him because he was so humble.
I divorced him because he was such a coward.

I married him because he felt home and family were top priority.
I divorced him because he never wanted to go anywhere.

I married him because he accepted me as I was.
I divorced him because he made lewd comments about my figure to his men

I married him because he did not bug me about my housekeeping.
I divorced him because he was a slob.

I married him because he was loyal to his friends.
I divorced him because he was never home with his family.

I married him because he was close to his mother.
I divorced him because he didn't cry the night his mother died.

I married him because he didn't like to argue.
I divorced him because he would never rise up and meet my challenges.

I married him because he didn't throw platitudes around foolishly.
I divorced him because he never paid me compliments.

April 24, 2007 | Registered CommenterMonica

So, do you have cameras set up in my apartment or something?

I've been married for some 7 months now and you're right. The first year ain't no joke!

I got flowers for my birthday though. Come to think of it, that was in December and the only pollen this place has seen since then is the stuff that floats in from outside and manifests itself into a sinus headache.........

April 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterfancythis

by the way, after reading some of the comments here, I now get why you TURN THEM OFF!!

People are idiots.

April 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterfancythis

I laughed so hard I thought my baby would pop out.

April 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAli

Jesus, you people ripped Veronica to shreds! And I don't think she deserved it.

April 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDesiree

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