Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Not Another Press Release

I've been avoiding you. Can you tell? Recently, instead of writing honest entries, I've been resorting to my journalism skills and issuing what amounts to press releases. Everthing's great here! Blah blah blah..

While my job has been fantastic, Serge and I are still struggling. The past six months have been.... difficult. Yet I hesitate to write that here. You must understand. When your husband's nutty ex-girlfriend (who wrote a shitty blog about you, your marriage etc..) and several of her creepy friends read your blog - the last thing you wanna write about is trouble on the homefront. Instintively, you want to write about how aMAZing your marriage is. When websites spring up speculating on the state of your marriage and whether your husband cheats on you, when people email you telling you they hope your husband cheats... Well - it's tough to be honest sometimes. Additionally, what's the point of being honest? I don't get paid for this...

I guess the point for me, is that if I'm not going to be honest in this blog then I may as well shut it down. Now, withholding isn't the same as dishonesty, but it feels that way. If I'm upset about something and type up some vapid missive about the eye doctor, well, that feels like lying. But I don't owe this blog anything. Yet - if I start pretending to be something I'm not then I suck harder than a hooker with Charlie Sheen.

Being honest here forces me to be honest with myself.. and it allows you to relate to me.. and when you relate to me I can relate back to you and then I don't feel so alone. I have several friends who don't understand. My blog makes them uncomfortable. They are horrified with what I choose to share and some have asked me not to write about them. This makes me question the validity of maintaining this blog. But I find it easier to be intensely personal in this forum than in person. Eye contact, seeing someone's reaction; boredom or disinterest - that can make sharing difficult. I am too aware. Here, I can type in a lengthy diatribe, you can read it or you can click away halfway through and I'll never know... but I can still get shit off my chest. I am also able to articulate situations and feelings to Serge in a way that I sometimes can't in the heat of a fight discussion.

Am all over the place - I know. Will clarify later. After a month away making his new record, Serge comes home tonight.