Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
« Dear NYC... | Main | Me And You Against The World »

He Sneezed

I looked.

It was a mistake.

A BIG one.

A snake of snot slithered from his nostril to the palm of the hand he used to cover his mouth and nose when he sneezed. It didn't land in his palm. It stayed, hanging from his nostril, suspended from nose to palm. It glistened beneath the ancient fluorescent lights that popped and hummed above me and my classmates. I actually saw it glisten!

I looked away quickly expecting to see The Sneezer dart for the door of the classroom in embarrassment, headed for the nearest restroom where he could discreetly dispose of the unfortunate evidence of his cold.

I faced forward, waiting to silently snicker as he bolted for the hall. After a few seconds without action I risked a second peek. There he sat, not a care in the world. But where was the snot? WHERE WAS THE SNOT?

My traumatized brain quickly calculated the options for where the snot could have disappeared to during the few seconds I had looked away
1) On his jeans. He wiped the snot snake on his jeans. (RETCH)
2) Under the desk. He subtly scraped the snot from his hand while all the other attentive students focused on the teacher lecturing at the front of the room. (GAG)
3) In his mouth? Did he slurp it back? OH MY GOD! Did he eat the snot snake? DID HE?

The gags began in earnest. Deep rumbling, retching sounds emanating from my stomach. And so I ran. To the restroom. Which is what The Sneezer-cum-Snotter should have done in the first place.