Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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I Need To Tell You Something

Before I get into the something let me just remind you today is the last day to enter THE GREAT EXPERIMENT for October. I need your links by midnight tonight and I'll post 'em up tomorrow at eight in the morning Mountain Standard Time. Folks've been donating and entering and stuff so you stand to win around $135.

It's hard to write things on blogs without feeling a bit melodramatic. After all, there are people out there writing about the death of a child, women chronicling battles with breast cancer, people who have been horribly disfigured in crashes that optimistically power forward with nary an eye squint of derision.

I am not one of those people.

I am having a hard time. Not in any sort of dramatic-depressive way. Or maybe that's just me trying to downplay the melodrama because, of course, as fucking usual, the overriding emotion I feel when I have a hard time is GUILT. I just mean I'm not going to flip out and knife someone at work or crash my car on purpose, if that's what you're hoping. I just feel the pressure building and building inside of me and if I don't let it out I am just going to pop like an overfilled balloon and you or you or you could very well get hit with skin shrapnel. And what if you get hit with the skin part that has zits? Or my armpit? My unshaved armpit. On your face. That would be gross.

It's just that...I don't have much relief. I am working working working and then I get home and Violet needs me so I'm ON! On as in *JAZZ HANDS* my child needs me and so I must narrate everything I do and repeat Mama over and over again so she'll learn my name and then I point out the window eight thousand times and ask What does the birdie say? (she loves it every time) and God forbid I sit her in her little pen to watch The Great Pumpkin else I'll feel guilty for the rest of the day because I'm letting that blockhead Charlie Brown raise my child and I'm sure my mom and Peppermint Patty would have a thing or two to say about that. Then, suddenly, the day is over and I did nothing but go-Go-GO so I try to relax and have Me Time but the later it gets the worse it'll be in the morning because babies don't care if you stayed up until one in the morning drinking wine and watching Deadwood. Really, they don't. Try it sometime. They are equally unimpressed by late nights with beer and Dexter.

See? It's nothing like I've been snorting rails of coke and can't get straight. Although I drank half a bottle of wine by myself last night after a stressful day in the newsroom and before he left for work this morning Serge left a note next to the bottle that said WE NEED TO TALK.

So that, along with Violet crying, was fun to wake up to.

But the note could be our usual joking. Did I tell you how he left a note that said STOP THE INSANITY on a six-pack of beer out of which I'd drank four in one night so the next morning I put the same note in the package of cheese because he can eat, like, a brick of cheese in a day. In a most unsavory, manner, I might add. I kind of hope he's not kidding this time, though, because I am drinking a lot. It's all part of my effort to unwind and, like he said, stop the insanity in my head. But really, he's probably kidding because who uses the line WE NEED TO TALK in earnest anymore? Everyone knows that's a preamble to nothing good.

I need to simplify and I don't know how. I thought I was doing so well but I still feel like I'm drowning every single day of my life. But guess what? This here? You guys reading and cheering me on and just being here is so helpful. Even when bad things happen I am somewhat comforted because at least it's a story I can tell y'all and you will listen to reason and tell me I'm being stupid or you will say the same thing happened to you one time and you've SO been there. And you seem like a perfectly respectable bunch so if you've been there then surely I'll make it through this pressure cooker time of life.

I'm not really telling you all this for any reason other than maybe you feel the same way sometimes. I'm not going to off myself or anything, I just feel like crap a lot, like I can't catch my breath, that's all. So I think I'm drinking to relax and then I feel like shit for drinking too. I know life goes in ebbs and flows and having a kid is hard and all that. I know I should probably get back on medication but I don't want to. I just don't really think this is a mental thing. I think this is just a legitimate case of Living Life Blues, you know?

On the bright side...

I used to think meeting people over the internet was creepy. It's not. It's cool as hell. Most of the time, anyway. There are the exceptions. Turns out I'm finding like-minded folks just by nature of our commonalities. Or differences. Whatever. At least you're here which is much better than before I had a blog and times got tough. Then I would just pass out in a bed of Dorito crumbs with cookie dough saliva drooling from my mouth to the couch while Seinfeld played on a loop.

I had a weird thought but it's comforting, in a way. I can name dozens of internet folks I've never met that I know would let me sleep in their house and eat their food if some strange turn of events, perhaps an asteroid was headed to earth or zombies took over or maybe The Second Coming of Jesus actually occurred and I found myself in their city without a place to stay. Isn't that just crazy cool? I think so. And if you find yourself, God forbid, frolicking amongst the Mormons of Zion and the end of the world is nigh you can totally sleep at my house. But maybe you'll cook dinner? And babysit while Serge and I go to a movie? We haven't been to a movie theater since before Violet was born. And then we'll come home and make snacks or something, maybe pull out Monopoly and we can all spend the apocalypse together. Because a game of Monopoly is sure to last until the end of the world. It always does.

So, just...dammit, y'all! Thanks for hanging out.

Reader Comments (60)

I look forward to reading your blog daily. Happy that I stubled upon it. :)

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

First off I love your blog and look forward to it EVERYDAY. You are the first stop I make and sometime the last one I'lll look at at night {I am totally NOT a stalker...I swear}.

I was drinking a lot too and went to the doctors and know I take Klonopin. The doctor said it's like having a glass of wine and boy was he right. I take one when I am to stressed and it totally relaxes me (and don't tell Dominic but sometimes I even take it with some wine and holy shit I feel good and sleep great....however I am not suggesting it....just throwing it out there)

Monica there really is NO shame in taking any kind of have a lot on your plate and sometimes we all just need a little pick me up.

And you so need to get away...come to Florida for a couple days and I promise we will babysit so you can go to the movies or go to the beach or whatever and I {well Dominic} will cook all your meals and keep your glass of wine full :)

Love ya,


October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

I can remember when my first child didn't sleep for like two years and combined her lack of sleep with projectile vomiting (once I had just finished ironing five work shirts and she up-chucked from across the kitchen and every goddamn one), and long work hours, that I too stayed up too late for me/relax/downtime only to be given no let up from the baby. I also felt I was drowning. Suffice it to say, I think you are doing an ace job, you seem to be sufficiently aware of how much you are or are not drinking (and therefore unlikely to have a problem), and that you do get beyond this phase as the baby gets a little older. Hang in there - it'll all be good .

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKeith

I just found your blog recently, thanks to a friend who sent me the link, and I LOVE IT. I look forward to reading it every day, and I always think of other people who would love it too.

Oh and you can totally crash here if you ever come to Dallas. : )

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBailey

Well, I was GONNA say, Monica, hang loose, chick, you're not alone in this sometimes craptastic shitstorm that we call life. I'M stir-crazy stressed out all the fucking TIME -- trying to keep The Baby from eating shit he finds under the rug, feeling guilty for pawning him off on Dora the Explorer long enough for Mommy to take a potty break by herself, trying to earn my degree and maybe make a decent living, and desperately trying to find FIVE FUCKING MINUTES TO MYSELF but never getting it. On the surface the antihistamines I take are for my god-awful allergies, but really? I have trouble turning my noggin OFF at night, even at 3 AM, so I have to admit I prolly take them more for the drowsy side-effects than I do for the allergies. I was GONNA say all that, but now, having read Shelly's comment, all I can really think is -- can I come to your house? I LOVE Florida and haven't been out of the house without a kid in tow (dentist appointments DO NOT COUNT, btw) since The Baby was born either -- and he's TWO!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim

This, too, shall fade. As a non-parent, I see all of my friends going through the same cabin-fevered insanity at this stage. It's followed, in another couple years, by a different sort, sending her on off to pre-school and playdates alone without you, after all that time, inseparable. Maybe you do need a break for now? You should get to go out or take a mental health day; you deserve it.

I met my husband on the internet. Ten years ago! Chatting about books. So...stranger things have happened. You're an inspiration to juggling women everywhere.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChris

Maybe he just wants to talk about why you left a half bottle of wine? I'm wondering that myself. I'm pretty sure the whole bottle is supposed to serve as a single portion, right? Right?...

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNicole


You too can come to FLORIDA...we will have a big old wine fest!

But I promise I will babysit for you too so maybe you and Monica can go do girl or what ever!

Maybe I should have my own Blogher thing? and everyone can come to my house...sounds like a plan!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

While I don't work like you do. You work HARD. Every ounce of you goes into that newsroom...I had to ask my husband for help. He now gets her for a hour a night so I can do WHATEVER I want. Also, on Sundays he gets up. It's my weekend too. You are not a bad mother if you stick Violet in front of the t.v. for a break. That's the bullshit our mothers and other moms (who are lying becuase they do the same) tell us not to do. You're a good mommy, Monica. Even if you pulled back like 20%, you would still be good. Right now, Scarlett is on the floor figuring out how to stick her fingers in the covered sockets. I hoping that distracts her for another 10 minutes so I can read the blog. Hope to see you soon. Really should do a play date!!!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

Um, Nicole? I love you.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who

Hang in there Monica! I feel your pain!

Meg - At least your light sockets are covered! Mine aren't. Plus she's playing with my computer cord right now.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJess

I only found your blog about a week or so ago, and boy, am I glad. First I read how you and Surge met, and my heart exploded into a million little pieces. What an awesome story. I, too, am married to a musician, so that part I TOTALLY GET.

And I kept reading. And every post is so relatable, so funny, so relentlessly honest: I'm hooked.

I ♥ you and your blog, and you can totally crash at my house with a bottle of wine if you ever need to. But be aware, you'll end up with two cats sleeping on your legs. :)

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny Bauman

you would only be a bad mother if you DIDN'T put her in front of Charlie and the Great Pumpkin at least once a year.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJ

Let me first say how awesome it is that you manage to update your blog daily! I haven't updated mine in 2 months and I have many unhappy family members sending me emails about it. And I know exactly what you mean about staying up late and waking up early with kids. The later I stay up (drinking Blue Moon and watching Dexter, yay!), the earlier my kids wake up. It is like they know! Hang in there, girl!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLyndsey

Trying to comment again. Last one got eaten. But as the daughter of a mother who battled depression, I vote you do whatever you need to do so that you don't spiral into a dark hole. Whether it be meds, or a new job, or a move to PA. Running yourself ragged might seem like you're working hard to provide for her, but what she will really need is you - healthy and whole. Take care.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTara

While I can't empathize yet (my little one is still cookin', and due in March), I do want to thank you for sharing your stories with us. I read your blog every day as a little glimpse of what the future has in store for me as a new mom. I'm sorry that you're struggling right now- but just know you've lots of us out here in intranetland cheering you (and your family) on from the sidelines.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKate

It's amazing what just a few hours break in the routine can do for your mental health. Do something, anything, just you and Serge. Saturday matinee, Sunday brunch, anything. Just a couple of hours. All you'll talk about is Violet, you'll feel like a part of you is missing, and it will give you just enough to get through for a while longer. With my kids grown or nearly so sometimes I go for, like, almost a week without seeing one or more of them . Talk about depression!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjls

I remember staying up so late at night just to have me time. I was working full time, my daughter was three and I was divorced so I was either "on" all the time when my daughter was home or "off" because she was at her Dad's and then I felt so lost and it took me a long time to learn how to enjoy my time without her instead of just feeling guilty because she wasn't with me. Motherhood is just a lot of guilt. Be easy on yourself. There is nothing wrong with being on medication if it helps you and helps mellow you out. Drinking to relax is a warning sign I think (not trying to be preachy, just caring). I often find myself headed in that direction lately so I do understand.

Just be easy on yourself and keep on writing. Happy to hang out and enjoy the ride with you.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermcatgirl

So, I wrote pretty much the exact same post today, but hadn't published it yet. I have a 6-month-old, and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the day-to-day and everything's a blur of rinsing bottles and working and daycare and forever being jolted awake at 5am. And then I feel insanely guilty for the self-pity, because things could be SO MUCH WORSE, and wallowing means I'm not being a good mom, right? UGH. GUILT.

Reading your post made me feel better, though. I don't feel so alone. So thank you. I hope you find a way to simplify. I raise my virtual wine glass to you (although I will fall asleep after 4 sips).

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjive turkey

I totally came to post and judge you. Because that's what you do to people who blog, right?

In all seriousness, drinking every day to make it through to the next day probably isn't healthy and probably isn't the path you want to be on. I've had friends and relatives who have lived like that and it generally doesn't turn out well.

That's not to say you need to go cold turkey either. I would limit to drinking with other people, like Serge. The trouble always seems to come when imbibing alone.

Also, I'm some random internet yahoo and can totally be told to fuck off, that I have no idea about your life, and that it's none of my business without causing hurt feelings.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJer

Shit, I forgot to comment about young kids. It sucks when they're young and you have no free time. I had twins so I know of what I speak. Absolutely don't feel guilty for tv-sitting sometimes. A happy sane parent makes for a happy sane kid. It gets better... slowly but surely it does.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJer

You probably are RIGHT - it's not a "mental" thing. It's most likely a chemical imbalance and that is what anti depressants are for. If you had diabetes you would take meds to make your blood sugar right, and all that, right? Sometimes, depression is a PHYSICAL thing. You aren't producing enough of one chemical or another so your brain can't work right. And all the 'deciding to tough it out' can't make your body produce those necessary chemicals.

Please try again. It can change your world!! It did mine.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCasey

Why do you have to do so much when you get back from work, can't Serge help you out so you have the odd night off or is it cause you want to spend every free minute with Violet? If possible I would definitely recommend taking a night (or two!) off and joining a yoga class. I wouldn't normally be into it myself but I tried it and it is brilliant for forcing you to concentrate on yourself and getting yourself to relax. Plus it is better then any workout you've ever had. You come out with your whole body feeling 1 foot taller and like pure jelly, its a great feeling!

Being Irish we don't normally drink at home, we wait till we're in the pub on the weekend and then drink like its the last night on earth for alcohol and worry about the pain the next day. Plus I'm as laid back as it gets so I can't relate to this mega stress your dealing with YET.......bambino will be here in two more weeks so I am already sure that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M IN FOR!!! Woo hoo mad times!

I love your blog monica and I hope you find a way to slow things down, stress is not good, I hate it. So I just don't do half the shit that others expect of me cause I know it's not the end of the world if it doesn't get done and if it bothers them so much they can drive themselves crazy about it while I go back to the kitchen and finish making my lovely key lime pie!

And if you guys ever make your way this direction, call in and My Wee German and myself will give Serge something to talk to you about!!! half bottle?? Pffttt......sure that wouldn't quench a thirst!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

I've loved your blog for so long now. I've been here since the early days in NYC, the move back to Utah, pondering motherhood....then you went away.I clicked that link everyday waiting for you to return. I'm so happy you did. I read a handful of blogs, but your blog is the one I look forward to the most. You are raw and real. You put it all out there, and I admire you for that. My oldest is 14 and most days I too feel like I am drowning. After a 12 hour shift I come home and help with homework, pack lunches, and do my very best to connect with my kids. When they look back on their childhood I want them to remember a mom who did her best to be present. From day one I could tell that is the kind of mom you are. Anything for your baby girl! If (when?) you move to PA you are most definitely invited to my house to share a bottle or 2 (or 3) of wine. And, if you ever pooped your pants again you could count on me to bring you clean underwear, cause that's just the kind of friend I am.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

"Blockhead" = comedy gold. always.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime

Hi! Just found your blog, love it, and I'm totally addicted! Anyway, this post totally struck a nerve because I was telling Mr. Perfect pretty much the EXACT SAME THING yesterday. I feel like I'm constantly treading water, just trying to stay up and keep things in order, and generally, just, ugh! It sucks! But you're definitely not alone - there just aren't enough hours in the day :) I need to simplify too...will let you know when I discover the magic formula. (AND OH MY GOD HURRY UP ALREADY AND FINISH THE STORY OF HOW YOU GUYS MET IT'S KILLING ME :) )

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Sitcom

Monica Hun, I think most of my blog is filled with posts such as the above. It is hard. Relentless. No one ever says 'hey, you did a great job at being a Mum today' when it is the job you do great - EVERY fucking day. For what it is worth - here is my way through it all (as I am a full time working Mum, who's husband works nights, me days, and we have no family help at all - and a small child)...

1. Get dating - leave Violet for she will be more than fine - with someone you love and trust and go have fun. Movies, drinks, hell - dancing! Take time to water your own relationship because one day, if you do your job right, Violet will go off and have a life of her own and you and Serge will still be there together. She came from you guys - so in my book, that is the rock to build upon.

2. Get some 'me time'. Out with the guilt. Tell the guilt to feck off - and go do something that is just for you. Even if it is just lying in the bedroom reading a book - because everyone needs some down time - even the best mothers in the world.

3. Sorry if I sound preachy - I just know how hard it is and so I'm sympathising... But please make sure you do both of the above - it will only help you stay sane and happy and that in turn will make your wee one happy. A happy Mum makes for a happy kid. It isn't selfish - it is just a natural human need. I know Mums who never ever leave their kids - and when those kids interact with other kids they are all awkward and never want to be away from their Mother for a minute. Kids who have hung out with different folks tend to want to go have adventures and aren't afraid to get involved. Just what I've noticed.

Chin up. Now go have a glass of red - you earned it.


October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCrummyMummy

Monica, I know it's tough to understand at this point, but things will get better. It's kind of like the pain of delivery. It hurts like hell when you are in the middle of it, but later we women tend to forget just how tought it was and go and do it again and again...

I survived as a single parent with my first child by carrying him around in a sling thing everywhere I went. It kept my hands free to do stuff, and kept my son happy to be so close to me. Along about a year old, or sooner if your child gets too heavy, it's time to work on the independence thing a bit.

My son watched TV, he played by himself, he read, etc. He knew I was there if he needed me, but I didn't hover. Today he is a 19 year old incredibly smart, caring person.

Try to relax and go easy on yourself. You are doing a wonderful job. Just like at the smiles on Violet's face. That's your reward.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDeborah

You can most definitely camp out here during the apocalypse/zombie attack/nuclear war. And we always have hoppy beer in the fridge & sometimes wine, but in a pinch I always have ingredients on hand to make killer margaritas. And my husband Leo is some kind of zombie/apocalypse/survivalist nerd, so he's read all there is to read on such scenarios. (Which might be a negative, since all the librarians in town know this about him & will likely want to join us....)

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

Your husband sounds like a dork. If I was him I'd buy you all the wine you could drink ! Also, your husband is on Twitter and doesn't even have any followers! Hahahaha!

Call me if you want more wine.

801 867 5309

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSantos

First of all, I found out about you via Dooce; however, I am here now because of you alone. As a fellow recovering Mormon I am drawn to you to share in your stories. I've heard stories about Catholic guilt, but damn if Mormon guilt isn't that passive-aggressive elephant in the room.

My daughter is five and there are times now I lock the bathroom door just to have time to myself. I have gotten into some bad habits and I hate that they impact her negatively. Having a child was a complete surprise for me and I tend to hold on to some selfish ways in a very childish manner. I don't like being 'on' all the time...and yet I can't wait to see her and feel those little arms around my neck. Life gets frustrating and still to not have her would be to not have fresh air. So many conflicting emotions and thoughts!

I do take anti-anxiety medication to help me get to sleep at night. I also have some I can take as needed. I call those my 'call the fuck down' pills. Could talking to your doctor work for you? Hell if I know. I do know that for me the myriad of anxieties aren't going to disappear- I just need new tricks to cope and move forward.

The Internet can be cold and unfeeling, yet I ache to help you. I have a sister who left Utah for the lovely Pennsylvania and I miss having her as someone who would give me a break without any guilt. I wish I knew you so I could come up and let your little girl play with mine while you went to a movie, the grocery store, and/or got a massage. So, from the depths of Utah County I'm sending you some 'take care of you' karma!

Oh, try getting some higher quality sheets and never forget the magic of clean sheet night!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMaiken

Monica, I have been reading your blog for years and I really like you a many people could write so honestly and publicly about themselves, so many private issues and thoughts, and come out as a compassionate, down to earth, genuine and really likeable person like you do? You are most certainly welcome to sleep in my house and eat my food any time you are in Madrid or London. I am worried about your getting depressed and too much drinking.... have you tried replacing the wine with Sleepy Time tea (it's very effective), having a hot bath with lavender oil before going to bed, having some wind down time to relax and get a good night rest so you can face the day with energy....and for goodness sake don't feel guilty about putting Violet in front of the tele for a bit, it's not going to do her any harm and you will be a more relaxed and happier Mama if you have had a little time to yourself. xxx

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPaula

Did you drink the fucking washer fluid I had sitting in the back seat of the Honda? Its gone.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSerge

If it just so happens that all the Mormons turn into zombies (more zomie-er than usual) and the three of you have to flee- please come share my studio apartment in SF! I ALWAYS have bourbon on hand, and you can share my earthquake survival supplies... uh, if I was responsible enough to have all that set up.

In one of the comments here, your reader mentioned that there was no shame in taking medication... that may not be your view right now, that you feel shame, but I heard something quite poetic last night. When Princess Leah, I mean Carrie Fisher, succumbed to her bi-polar disorder and had to sign herself into the psyche ward (not implying that you're on that road..) she signed in with her left and and simply wrote: "shame" That's what we're up against in this society of ours, yo.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

"Did you drink the fucking washer fluid I had sitting in the back seat of the Honda? Its gone." - SERGE

NO! I didn't drink the Listerine either. Just in case you notice it's gone. If you didn't notice, forget I said anything.

October 29, 2009 | Registered CommenterMonica

When my son was not yet a year and my daughter was three and into smearing poop around I had him in the stroller, where he beshat himself and the stroller with explosive pumpkin-pie-filling baby poop and I was walking the dog so carrying a bag of shit too and a lady walked by and said, "good morning" and I said, "if I touch any more shit i'm going to go crazy" and she walked by and then came back and handed me her card-she was a shrink and told me to call, so I cried a lot because I couldn't even walk the dog without being flagged as a loon. THen they went to school and I went to work and I cried a lot because I was never on time for anything and never had the permission slip in on time and never knew when it was pajama day and I went to a shrink and didn't worry about being a loon. NOw they're twelve and fifteen and I'm buying Lady Gaga tickets and Arkum Asylum for the ps3 and my dog ate a giant ball of shit at the park today and I bought 6 bottles of Greg Norman wine at Costco and I now totally accept crying and shit and wine as the road side shrines of my life. WIthout them I wouldn't know where I was or where I'd been.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterleni

Just want to say I am right there with ya. I have a 19month old and instead of things getting easier I feel like every day is harder and a new challenge. I love my kid more than life itself but this motherhood thing ain't easy. I love your blog and look forward to reading it everyday. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one....

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy in Austin

Jumpin' jehosaphat! Finally! Someone understands! Love the blog...I'm addicted. I'll be back for therapy tomorrow.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNina

oh, Monica I love that post, so honest, give me a hug:) I wish I could join you with glass of wine for some talk about, let's say, life :) there is always planty to talk about it. I would say: you need to make some evening off, I mean you and your lovely husband, you will see a difference next day, you said, your mum would be happy to have Violet for a night, it sounds so good, I bet Violet will be as happy as your mum :), and I would say: you need have a good sleep girl with lazy, cosy Sunday morning, and at lunch time you will have Violet back, I think, it should help to clear mind and take a deep, fresh breath. you're doing good!!! come on, you had a tough week, you have a baby and sometime PMS, don't let guilt or anxiety be tormented you and you know what, it's midnight right now, I'm drinking glass of wine, my man is upstairs sleeping and you know what I love thinking that glass [or two, three or four] of wine is to celebrate my day, it makes sence, isn't it? to celebrate those small steps which make us all happy :) e.g.: I bought the new album of pear jam this evenig, gosh these guys are excellent, they evoke old, good memories:), anyway, you are so welcome up at my place as well :) always! kisses!!!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterana_jo

I think I comment enough for you to know I adore your writing and am jealous of your friends know you in real life. I think you and me could really hit it off, kid. We have WAAAAAY too much in common. Except for me it's not usually the wine - but the sweet nectar of a cold, crisp beer. Canned. ;-)

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCindi

Is there anything cuter than someone using English as a second language to encourage you?

Maybe baby elbow dimples, but that's ALL! Thanks ana-jo.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who...

First off, I love your blog and I think you sound like the type of person that makes Utah tolerable. Secondly, I'm with you entirely as far as not wanting to pop pills for the blues. If you're up for suggestions, try and look at leSolitude and leTranquility. Both very effective essential oil blends for anxiety, stress and bouts of depression. And, not to be too religious, but this too shall pass, right? Ya, you'll be fine. Look forward to your next post.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

I'm nearly 32 and I just watched The Great Pumpkin last night. That is a damn fine movie. Start her young, I say!

Also: Should you be in S.F. during the end of the world (or before then, preferably), you should definitely swing by my place. It's only a studio, but it's near the wharf and when we're not sleeping we could take Violet down to check out the sealions and eat chili out of sourdough bowls.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Oh well Dexter is totally worth staying up late to watch.

But I understand. I went through kind of a dark time after Carter was born...and not ppd or anything just irritated with the general suckage of life. I didn't want to be back at work, I didn't think I was going to have to be back at work. Nothing was bad but nothing was good either. I am now refocusing on myself. Trying to put myself first, just a tiny bit. And I feel a lot better. Seriously. Maybe that doesn't even really help you...but just know as I was reading this, my head was nodding in agreement.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjen

Hey you can crash on my couch next time you're in Melbourne, Australia :)

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSmartie

Monica, based on my experience this feeling is called "motherhood." You'll get through it. Changing your hair is a good start (I like it, by the way... I'm debating doing the same thing).

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAli

I think that just being able to talk honestly about what you're going through and have others commiserate is so valuable. Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to pretend that our lives are perfect and we don't struggle. In doing that we do ourselves and others a disservice because then everyone thinks everyone else's life is perfect and then we all feel alone. I kind of think that the LDS church encourages this sort of mindset because if you admit that you're struggling then people will think that you aren't righteous enough or something. BULLSHIT! And I suppose it's society in general, because we all walk around saying, "how are you doing?" without really wanting to here the answer... Oh the plight of humanity in the modern world...

October 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

Ugh, here = hear, obviously. So much for that English degree...

October 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

It sounds like you're having a difficult time right now Monica but you know what, no matter how dark things seem nothing lasts forever and you will come through this eventually. And if you need some wine or an icy cold Corona to help you get through it, well that's just the way it is.

And if you and the family should find yourselves in Nice during the apocalypse/zombie attack, you're all more than welcome to hang out with us! Bring the dogs too, my boyfriend has a black lab for them to play with!

October 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

This is so relatable I had to send you an email because I would have written a comment longer than your entire post otherwise! Here's a fun way to unwind: my sister was recently invited to a Pity Party - yes, an actual pity party where a bunch of mums/girlfriends all got together for a fun night of griping. They were able to relieve their stress and had amazing food and drinks...the only caveat? They had to leave their problems behind when they left for the night and feel better than when they got there. Yeah, we should totally do that! Who's in?

October 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

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