Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
« Photo of the Week | Main | Motivational Math »

Cue The Violins

I always hesitate to write when I feel badly. It can be so exasperating to read someone's depressing blog, especially when, like me, they aren't going through anything that really warrants such tiresome blog posts. Or, if written properly, it can be something you relate to if, like me, you suffer an inclination towards depression. However, I have a feeling this ain't gonna be written with any particular eye towards relating, just an eye toward bitching.

I'm just having such a hard time, y'all.

See. How whiny was that? The answer is pretty whiny. Why the hard time, Monica? Your child is fantastic, you have a great job, yes, your husband is being kind of a douche lately although he would point the finger right back at what's the big deal? What is your problem, lady? Why are you typing about yourself in the third person?

I don't know.

I do know I wish I could really wallow in my depression. You know, just really get into it like a pig in mud. I want to wear my depression like a winter parka so everyone can see. See me with my depression! See how sad I am! Are you worried about me? You should be! I'm deepreessssed. Instead I'm just guilt ridden for feeling down when other people have it a lot worse. I mean, did you see the lady that got attacked by the chimp on Oprah yesterday? That shit blew my mind. And I'm all upset? Whatevs, loser. At least you have a nose and a set of eyeballs. Unsettling shit. Except for Oprah. Oh Oprah. That part in the middle of the interview when she's all "Here, let me have a little something right here..." And she dabs at the faceless woman's face...wait, what? Okay, well, she dabs at where the woman's face used to be. That part? Oprah trying so hard to be all Compassionate-Interview-I-Am-So-Totally-One-Of-The-People. That bothered me as much as an episode of Entertainment Tonight in which Mary Hart drags a five minute interview with Jon Gosselin into a month of episodes. Coming up tomorrow, Jon tells us which Ed Hardy shirt is his favorite! You. Are. Going. To. Shit. Your. Pants when you see what he picks! (Da da da da da da <--Entertainment Tonight theme music) Or when Mary talks to "the amazing Cameron Diaz" about how daring and unafraid she is to do her own stunts while The Amazing Cameron grins modestly, like, yes I am unbelievably unbelievable, aren't I? And Mary Hart nearly tongue kisses her in her effort to keep Cam talking. Fuck Diaz. You want to see stunt? I'll show you stunt when I'm changing my child's shitty diaper while balancing her on my knee/against my body in an airplane bathroom that has no changing table. True story. That's a stunt. Driving a car while Tom Cruise is cabled to the top? Please.

By the way, that bit up there? About Oprah? How I described when she dabbed where the woman's face was with a tissue? I just reread it. "Oprah trying so hard to be all Compassionate-Interview-I-Am-So-Totally-One-Of-The-People." Brilliant shit. So descriptive. I am an amazing writer. Didn't that make you feel like you were right there? At the interview? God, I'm good.

If you ask me, Oprah jumped the shark after that road trip with Gail in '06, I think it was. When she didn't know how to pump gas and hadn't pumped gas since 1983. And we're supposed to watch and laugh as Oprah (she's so down to earth!) has to stay at motels/hotels normal folk make do with every damn day? Isn't it hi-fucking-larious to see Oprah at a Motel 6? And because she's so goddamn down to earth she visits diners and talks to townspeople all the while acting like she's in a foreign country (What is this menu item here? Jalapeno poppers? I've never heard of these jalapeno poppers) because Oprah? She doesn't usually do diners so isn't it SO awesomely funny to see her slumming? Oh Oprah. Next!

Sorry. Not sure why I'm so mad at Oprah. I think it was the tissue with the chimp lady bit. Anyway. I'm not doing so good. But at least I have a face.

Reader Comments (34)

I didn't even have to see the chimp-lady episode to totally agree with you. Seriously. Oprah needs to get over herself and remember where she came from, and that most of the people that made her the disgustingly rich queen of everything are still there.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterandria

You know damn well Oprah knows what a jalapeno popper is.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJulie Dayley

That just made me laugh so fucking hard. Awesome.

November 12, 2009 | Registered CommenterMonica

Actually, I'm with you on Oprah sucking. She went down the tubes a while ago. I can't deal with how disconnected she is from reality, and when she fakes being of the mortals, it only makes things worse. I haven't watched her show in years.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRivka

Never watched Oprah, have no interest. However, I fucking hate Cameron Diaz! Why she is considered talented and hot is utterly beyond me. Like in the same stratosphere as the hype surrounding that no-talent hatchet face Lady Gaga. Diaz is famous mainly because she admits she belches? And Gaga for pretending to be a hermaphrodite and treading the same water Madonna plowed years ago? Sometimes I just want to cry.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

Wow. Yeah. All that. And, surprisingly, the whole Oprah thing...dead on and boy could I (and maybe will soon) blog about my feelings on the sister. Your are a brilliant writer. Rock, on!

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim Jay

Um, you don't have to watch Oprah, but if you could, my pal Rob Weddle is a finalist on her Karaoke Challenge, so if you would please call this number a bunch 1-866-874-2502 to vote for him, or go here:

and vote for Rob Weddle, contestant #2~


November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaty

i saw the show. the low point for me was when oprah said chimp lady didn't need to worry about her weight because she ate everything through a straw. seriously? the lady has no fucking jaw, eyes, nose or hands and oprah thinks weight is a concern. i used to think i could tell oprah about my first period and she would giggle and braid my hair. now, she would hire someone to do it. still, i really want her to be my friend.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

I love how the comments go straight to Oprah and ignore the whole you feel like shit thing. That part about wallowing - I can totally relate. I want to have temper tantrums where everyone stops what they are doing, looks at me, and spends the next half an hour trying to appease me, to make me feel better, to soothe and comfort and give me exactly what I want. I want to cry and whine and have people ask me what is wrong and say "oh nothing. and leave them perplexed and worried. I want to be given a time-out - forced to sit in the corner and "think about what I've done" and cry my eyes out and then say "I'm ready now" This post is good. It resonates and makes me feel less alone for sometimes feeling like shit even though I have great life.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

There is a restaurant in my town that has a purple chair with gold engraved thing (whatever the hell that thing is called) on the back of it that says "Oprah's chair", it's the one she sat in when she ate there. People find over that disgusting ugly purple chair! I myself choose not to sit in it, my silent protest. The lady with no face, I feel so bad for her, but she is suing the lady who owned the chimp for $50 million, I mean come on!

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I mean they FIGHT over that chair! Damn fingers!

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I wasn't ignoring the depression bit, I just got the sense you didn't really want to talk about that. And I understand. I was treated for chronic depression for years and then suddenly I was hospitalized and it turns out I'm bipolar, not depressed. Super fun times.

Being depressed was a mixed bag. On the one hand, I'd go practically catatonic and be no fun. On the other hand, I hardly ate and so my body was rocking. But it's better to be alive and stable than skinny and a zombie. Or something like that. When I feel the depression creeping back, I have to work extra hard to not give in to it. Of course, I have to do the same thing with mania. But mania is every bit as fun as depression, just in a different way.

Anyway, I have no advice. I'm medicated. I will be for the rest of my life. I've accepted that. There is no nutritional cure, no supplement, no herbal approach that is going to make my illness go away. They help mitigate it, but I'm like this for life.

I understand not wanting to get on the pharma-psychology skywalk, but sometimes it's the only thing that works.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

I'm totally avoiding the medication train right now. Ativan's good when I feel like "OMG everything's going to hell and I'm doing to die" it really helps to take the edge off. But I've taken like 6 pills in 5 months because I hate the idea of taking pills.

I'm over Oprah. Occasionally I'll watch when someone cool is on (you know, like Taylor Swift) but then I just get so freaking angry that she's having all these inside converations wtih them and then I feel all left out because the cool kids know what's going on and I so totally don't. And then I want to slap Oprah, so I change it over to something educational like Dr. Oz or The Doctors instead.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

First of all, feel better. I too dally with depression (never my idea, always stupid depression's) and recommend it to no one, nor would I wish it on anyone. Hope it lifts soon.

Now, OPRAH. I totally saw that self-congratulatory interview and found her similarly grody. She must sweat ego, that one. (And I DEFINITELY appreciated the perspective and felt pretty grateful for having a face.)

Third, your curry butternut squash recipe inspired me to: 1) give it a try (DELICIOUS!) and 2) remove some cobwebs from my blog and write about my foibles in the kitchen while preparing said soup:

Anyway, I really enjoy your blog. Thank you. And hang in there.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteremilyo

Holy. Shit. Monica! You are one of THE most hilarious and inspiring people I have ever met....wait we haven't met. You have one of the best blogs I have ever stalked...there we go, much more fitting. I can understand where you are coming from on so many different levels. Thank you for putting it all out there and making me feel like I'm not the only psycho residing in Utah.

I, too, feel much like you. I go through these depressing stints where I think "It couldn't get much worse than this shit" and then suddenly the saddest story I have ever seen comes on the news. Or I read something that makes me think "Dear God if that were me I wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving." Probably so I will straighten my pathetic ass up.

Anyway, I love all your stories and posts and can't wait for more! You are an awesome writer.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNicoleM

'At least I have a face'

I think I just peed a little. That line kills me.

I know its not funny because that poor woman has no face - but Monica - I peed. Hilarious.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

i really love reading your blog. thank you for writing this.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterashley

No shit, I was sitting there tonight paying a lot of money to have my hair colored my natural color and talking about the poor faceless woman, thinking, "well, at least I have a face!".

Oprah. Love hate. She does a lot of good, but I have the feeling no one reality checks her.

Having a hard time? Yes, get this. For me it's not depression per se- I mean, I have actual shit to be sad about. We all do, I think. I have great days but I'm lying if I say it's all good. I feel like people either want the happy or the sad, but the truth is somewhere in between. It's all over, the truth. Great moments and awful ones, and that's life, baby, as my dad says. So, as always, it's okay to write your truth no matter what it looks like. You have my permission, if you need it. If not, know I'm there, too.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEDW

Thank you. I actually needed this very thing after my shitty depressing day. And I mean that sincerely, I was so horrified by Oprah, as I am whenever she makes news.

I always relate to you.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkds

Who's this Oprah lady?


November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

You actually had me laughing hard for a post about depression. Every time I feel shitty this week I'm gonna involuntary think...well at least I have a face.

Don't feel guilty about being depressed sometimes, or think that somehow you don't deserve to feel that way. It's what's real for you & it's OK to acknowedge that.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

let's blame november for such a shity mood with its rainny weather, shall we? it always works out, so let's concentrate on december & christmas time or some other things will be happened...

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteranajo

Ok, first of all, you got me curious so I went to Oprah's website to see this poor woman. I am now very sorry I did that.

Second of all, don't hesistate to write when you feel crappy. That's what blogs are for- writing now matter what you feel. Plus you're still funny when you're depressed, so we don't mind.

Third of all? I agree with Julie Daley above. Oprah TOTALLY knows what jalapeno poppers are. Please, honey child, Oprah probably invented the damn things.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSadie

'at least i have a face'. perfect. chin up (no pun intended).

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterabro

new to your blog but feel like i know you already.

weird or awesome? you decide.

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertia

Um I think we must be related as I can relate to everything you said

The other thing that bugged about the oprah interview was that she asked the lady if she could remember anything from the night and she said no and did not want to and that the dr said if she started remembering that they would give her medication to forget. So then oprah says "So you don't remember driving there and getting out of the car and .... like she was her therapist trying to get her to have a memory of it. SHE SAID SHE DID NOT WANT TO REMEMBER!!!!

and I feel like the one thing that most people missed is when the other gal (who owns a tow truck company) Called 911 she said the monkey was attacking her girlfriend!! Yet no one can seem to figure out why the chimp attacked her JEALOUSY

ok I will get off my soap box now

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergpr

I was feeling a little depressed today my own self
until I read your blog.
F**king Great!
F**king Hilarious!
Dont ever F**king stop writing!

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentershuga

Just because we have a happy life full of blessings doesn't mean we're immune to the bad, awful, sad, depressing things in life. It's okay to be sad sometimes, and it's okay to wallow and cry and want someone to ask you what's wrong and try to help. It's part of what makes us human. Don't beat yourself up for having human emotions. The lows help us appreciate the highs.

So have a cry and feel sorry for yourself for a little while. Then dry your eyes, remember the good things you have, and try to enjoy them until the next time you need to stop to shed a tear or two. Just make sure you keep coming back here to write about it. :)

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNatalie

Depression is an illness. So is generalized anxiety disorder which is sounds like you may have also. They're in the DSM. You can see the diagnostic criteria online for free. There's more to it than that, obviously, which is where trained professionals come in. But it has little to do with how hard your life is about 50% of the time. If you mean that other people have XYZ mental illness worse than you do, well yes, that is true. Some people have cancer worse than others too, it doesn't make it any less important to treat. To be honest it sounds like the reason you're doing as well as you are is because you fight against it. That doesn't mean you don't deserve help, it just means you're not rolling over and letting it win. That, in turn, doesn't make you weak or feeble and doesn't make your depression weak either.

Depression is very treatable. GAD is less so but if you have it in conjunction with depression it can often be pretty treatable. At least that's what my professor says, and I'm certainly not a professional yet. So go and see one, if you're not already. Someone who wants to fight as hard as you do should have that weapon in her toolbelt too.

If only I could always take my own advice!

November 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterL

Excellent - this is just what I needed today. I'm 150% with you on Oprah. I didn't see the piece with the chimp victim, but I'm not at all surprised she said something so horrible as the weight comment. She did a piece on the compound of that FLDS group here in Texas and she brought up sex at their dinner table with all their kids around. I know, I know - but still, you're a guest in their home. Show a little bit of respect. I'm just sayin.

Love your blog - hooked on it.

November 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDeborah

For days this, "Coming up tomorrow, Jon tells us which Ed Hardy shirt is his favorite! You. Are. Going. To. Shit. Your. Pants when you see what he picks!" has been been cracking my shit up.


November 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Stumbled onto your blog. Best stumble ever.
Thanks for telling it like it is; you give perfect balance to the grit & joy that makes up a good life. AND you cut to the chase and say "HERE is the perspective, people. THIS is what you've been missing."

Hugely courageous to say there are down days; truth is , there are down days for everyone. And that's why we read what you write: you are 'real people'. alleluia & pass the jalapeno poppers.

November 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermeara

I had the worst emotional crash! I was going through a separation from my husband, And I lsot my job. ALL around a bad year. I'd recommend anyone with depression to at least give 5-htp a try. I read up on it at "kiwi drug" its natural and at least I can now get out of bed a function. I need to smile and this has helped me to do that

November 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSam

Can you please describe better what kind of depression

February 8, 2018 | Unregistered Commenterlouy

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>