Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Not So Together Mom

I went to a baby shower for a friend yesterday. (Hi Holly!) She's due January 19th, which was pretty much Violet's due date last January. Because it's been a tough week with Violet what with being sick and the teething I decided to take her with me to the shower to give Serge a break. It'll be fun, I thought.

Big mistake.

I was that Mom. You know. The one you feel bad for when you see her attempting to juggle her kid and food and life, really, within a foot of the kid's hands and mouth? Violet was horrible!

I don't see my friends much because, well, because I'm anti-social and also leaving the house with Violet feels like running a marathon so that by the time everything is packed in the car ("Did you bring the binky? Go get it!" We all settle into the car agin and then... "Damn! I forgot to put more diapers in the bag. Oh, dude, she just shit. Again. I've got to change her.") I am utterly exhausted and have zero desire to pursue socialization. It's so much easier and dare I say desirable to lounge around our house with no pants.

So yesterday I very much wanted to show all the gals (and myself) what a Together Mom good ol' Monica is with her cute child and very laid back attitude. Unfortunately I forgot to let Violet in on the plan. She cried THE ENTIRE time. Every fifteen minutes or so some well-meaning friend would be like, "Give her to me", only to suffer Violet's wrath for five minutes before passing her back along with an expression of abject pity.

Ten minutes into the whole To Do I was sweating like a pig trying to wrangle Violet who somehow managed to crawl all over my body feral cat-style whilst scratching my face and twining sticky fingers through my hair in a not so gentle fashion. Couple this with the fact that I had leggings on under my jeans (long story that ends with you shaking your head over my laziness) and so the jeans kept sliding right off my ass. As a result, when we gathered around to watch Holly open gifts, I was either flashing the gals behind me a largish, white, ass crack or a vast expand of elastic legging that probably looked like some weird girdle.

So much for my Together Mom routine.

At one point Violet knocked over my cup of red wine on the coffee table. Of course it was a coffee table that doubles as a chest for blankets. And of course the wine leaked onto the blankets. And of course the blanket on top was a... C'mon, say it with me everyone:


By the end of the party I wanted to pull the mother-to-be aside and say "Look. You sure you really want to go through with this? I can just give you mine. Seriously. Car seat goes in real easy and you can just drive her on home."

Reader Comments (17)

Ok mine still does this at three and I still want to give her away most of the time but the bright side is that my 7 and 12 year olds are now so much fun and I really like doing things with them now! So I guess it will get better with time but man it take a long time....

I think that's why we say home a lot or take turns going out so we don't have to upset the little "witch" as we call her {but only behind closed doors} :)

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

We've ALL had those days. And they especially suck when you want to be the (as you say) "Together Mom". Truth be told, NONE of us are that together. If it appears that way, we're doing a great job of acting, OR the Mom is on drugs. Seriously.

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnjie B.

That sounds like one of my good days :/

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen Wekwert

wait till she becomes a teenager....oh the joy!!

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkacy

Most adult get togethers aren't even much fun for adults, let alone babies. I don't blame Violet for wanting to get the hell out of there. I'm sure she much prefers hanging out at home with no pants on too. Think of it from her perspective--she's used to her comfy, calm little life with you guys and here she is in this hot, noisy room with strangers who want to touch her and stare at her. She's held all the time to keep her from DOG FORBID touching anything and then the one thing she does touch (the red wine) causes all kinds of comotion. Mom's preoccupied with trying to socialize and eat and drink and Violet KNOWS she's getting a raw deal.

In empathy from a mom who's been there.

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBeenThere

So...I found an old friend and we made plans to take our kids to McDonalds for lunch. They were both a little over two years old. The whole lunch I am being one of THOSE moms that brags about their kids toom much. I don't even know why I was doing it..things just kept coming out of mouth and I kept thinking..."gosh you sound like one of those moms you HATE" I wasn't trying to one up her or anything I just so desperatly wanted her to like me!!! So, I'm bragging about how MY baby is potty trained. How I just told her she was supposed to use the potty and she has NEVER had an accident. Then I am watching my kid...and something falls out of her pants. I go to look and it is a LOG! Like adult sized heavy duty poop. IN THE PLAY PLACE!!!!!!! I had to grab a napkin and crawl up this tiny tube to pick it up. I COULD HAVE DIED!!!!!!!
She never called me again. EVER. I have recently friended her on facebook...even wrote a has been 12 years...and NOTHING!!!!!!! UGHHH!

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJazzy

why didn't you just simply leave?

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterV

This kind of thing happened to me ALL THE TIME when my kids were little; I always felt like THAT mom. Airplanes were the worst. Once I was trying to board an airplane with my 18 month old daughter, her huge diaper bag, and an enormous carry-on (I was moving across the country) - and I'd never been on an airplane before and didn't realize how tiny the aisles are, so I was trying to get all this stuff and my kid to our seat without hitting anyone in the face with my bags (unsuccessfully) when she decided to lean backwards and fall out of my arms into some stranger's lap. She was ok, but I was soooo embarrassed, and the damn flight attendants did nothing to help me.

I think we've all been there at one point or another, wanting to give that screaming kid away, but then they always do something adorable and redeem themselves. There's a reason kids are so cute. : )

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBailey

I'm glad you didn't "simply leave" because it was GREAT to see you and hang out with both you and Violet. I'm sorry she was such a pain in your ass and I hope that experience doesn't prevent you from hanging out again. I couldn't even begin to tell you all the things that my kids have done to embarrass me and make me want to kill them. Hope to see you at the next girls night!!!

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachelle

You just wrote about how I felt with my son when I took him places for 15 YEARS. "please don't touch that", "please don't run around", "please don't do that".... I thought he was supposed to outgrow that behavior by 3 or 4 but, NO, I was blessed with the most inquisitive and hyperactive kid his Kindergarten teacher had ever seen (and she had been teaching for 35 years, she quit after him). He was incorrigible, to say the least. Now, finally (I won't go into the details of how), he has outgrown that behavior, he has matured. I can take him anywhere now. I love having him with me when I go out. I hope this doen't take 16 years for you like it did for me.

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

15 YEARS? Dear God, woman! Are you trying to kill me?

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who...

You have described my life. Why I even try doing ANYTHING with a 2.5 year old is beyond me. Clearly, I am deranged but glad to know there are others like me! :-)

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFanannie

I so WISH i could have gone through this at least ONCE in my 47 childless years, Monica. Well, not the part about the blanket ( I do that sort of thing with regularity). God bless you for trying to take your child out and give your guy a break.

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGina

It was great to see you Monica and finally meet the adorable Violet. I have seen my kids much MUCH worse (and hate to be the one to say it, but you'll see Violet worse too!!) and don't forget, she always sounds much louder and more persistent to you, no-one else is as aware of it as much as you are. She was adorable, I didn't even realise she'd spilled red wine on a white duvet - now that's just classy :-)

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlison

You are too funny! I love that adorable little girl and had it not been at my house I would have apent a lot more time eating her up! I think if you got out a little more to join us you would realize Violet wasn't nearly as bad as we have all witnessed our own children (just wait until the three year old tantrums), in fact I didn't even notice all the things you spoke of, including the "white duvet" until I found it in the washing machine so not to worry. Hope to see all of you again soon!

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNatty

i took scarlett to a baby shower...and she sprayed puke all over the gifts. violet and scarlett would get along so great! i have never had it together my whole life and probably never will. what's so great about being together anyway?

December 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

Hahaha, my 9 year olds beg me to take them to baby showers... it'll never happen. Wish I could have been there to point and laugh.

December 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJulie Dayley

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