Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Motherhood Is My "Craft"

My days are filled with sameness. Specific chores at almost the same time every day. Get up, make a bottle, feed Violet. Play with Violet for "awake time". Do you know how hard it is to "play" with a newborn for something like two hours? Violet look at the ceiling fan! Oooh look! A man is walking by our house! Violet goes to sleep. Mom cleans. Sneaks in a shower. Violet wakes up. Start over again. I don't write this to complain. It's just an adjustment. Very different from spending one's days in the fast-paced environs of a newsroom.

Today I am suffering from formula guilt. I managed to breastfeed for about a month. It was going well... but after having giant, torpedo pregnancy boobs and then completely insane-sized breastfeeding boobs... well, I just wanted my fucking boobs back, ya dig? I know, I know... I am selfish and probably going straight to hell but I figured a happier, non-milk-leaking Mom leads to a happier baby.

The giant boobs are finally shrinking back to pre-pregnancy size but produced so much milk I could probably save the lives of several hundred starving children in Africa. So I have pumped enough to last about three weeks after I stopped breastfeeding.

Today I began adding about an ounce of formula to the four ounces of boob milk Violet usually consumes per feeding. And I feel so terrible! I mean, I grew this baby in my stomach for nine months, pushed her out of my lady parts and then kept her alive solely on Monica juice. That sounds gross, doesn't it? But this formula, it's the first non-Mom substance to enter her delicate, little system and so...GUILT. I figure I'll keep upping the ratio of formula to boob milk until she's all formula, all the time.

Anyway - these are the things I'm mulling over here at chez Bielanko. That and the very exciting fact that Jennifer Aniston stood not ten feet in front of her ex-husband and man-eater Jolie! The big confrontation, America! She has to present and they've got the "Golden Couple" front and center with cameras practically zooming right up Angelina's nose for her reaction. Aniston totally should have acknowledged the situation. A joke or a wink at her ex or something because GodDamn the Oscars are boring. All that we-are-so-amazing-and-gifted-and-acting-is-our-craft-blah-blah-blah. I still watched the whole damn show for fear I might miss a cutaway shot of Brad Pitt reacting to something, Nicole Kidman not able to react to anything, maybe Salma Hayek breastfeeding an orphaned child or Sean Penn fighting with his wife. Hey! Wanna talk about my boobs some more? I thought not.