Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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The Cable. It Is Gone.

Serge thinks I've lost my mind. It was Wednesday, somewhere during hour two of Dean and Tori: Home Sweet Hollywood in which I decided, for certain, that I was shutting off the cable. The thought has been brushing up against me from time to time but I didn't think I could go through with it. But Dean and Tori, those crazy kids just trying to make a go of it without Daddy's billions, they pushed me over the edge.

The next morning I pulled the cables from their television hole homes and wrestled the black Comcast boxes from their dusty positions atop our two TVs and shoved them in a plastic bag. An hour later I marched into Comcast to return the equipment and demanded they shut off my service. They bent over backwards (they did, I saw them!) trying to keep me as a paying customer but I was resolute. No, no and NO. Shut it off.

And so it is gone. Much to my great relief. Including internet access Comcast was siphoning an average of $130 a month out of my bank account. All to stare at monitors. Computer monitors, television monitors. That's a lot of monitors. And that's a lot of cheddar, yo. $1500 a year! To stare at Dean and Tori and Spencer and Heidi and oh my god I just couldn't take it another second! So the cable? It is gone. Unfortunately so is Conan and Letterman and my beloved Craig Ferguson. And Forensic Files and Snapped... all gone. But my life feels cleaner somehow. Free of clutter. One less bill a month and hours of time handed back to me on a silver fucking platter.

So long season 52 of The Hills. RIP Spencer Pratt. You don't exist, motherfucker.

Serge says I'll last six weeks, tops.