Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Happiness is the consequence of personal effort

Oh wow! I'm absolutely blown away by the response to that last post. BLOWN AWAY. I never realized so many fantastic folks were reading and that you like me, you really like me! I s'pose that because I've received hateful comments and emails and had entire websites and forums dedicating to hating me, I've generally assumed people who read The Girl Who don't really like me. It started during all that horrible, embarrassing crap with Serge's ex-girlfriend and ever since then the internet hasn't seemed as friendly. So, thank you very much. If I could I'd get naked and roll around in all your comments I absolutely would.

Did I go too far with that last sentence? Sorry.

I've done a lot of reading and meditating these past few weeks. Yes, meditating. I know. It sounds all... let me see, how does it sound? Pretentious and holier than thou, maybe? You know what I mean. If someone told me they've been meditating lately I'd probably feign interest and think they were some sort of douchey TV hating, vegetarian. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I've never felt entirely comfortable around those kinds of folks. I need a good reality TV-watching, burrito eating, alcohol glugger to really put me at ease, you know?

Still, I've been meditating lately and have had several epiphanies. Epiphany is another word on par with meditating. Stick with me though, I swear to you I have a point and that I still like burritos and alcohol. Matter of fact, I had both last night and the night before. I wrote the epiphanies down on paper exactly as I thought them and figured what the hell, I'll share them with y'all.

1: It's not because I can't write or have nothing to write about, it's because the place (mind set) I've been writing from is all wrong. Change my mind set and the writing will come, if only to write about the process of changing my mind set.

2: I was a baby once like Violet. Just as sweet, innocent and likable.

I've been thinking about this a lot these past two weeks. Along with all your comments and emails, it's helping to pull me out of the self loathing funk. The internet seems to be a much friendlier place knowing there are people like you, yes you, reading and relating. If you came over I would totally offer you all my wine, get drunk with you and watch the new seasons of The Bachelor or Celebrity Rehab.

Also, please enjoy my farty, Liza Minnelli haired, beautiful daughter by clicking here. It's probably more video of someone else's baby than you'd care to see but the end is my favorite.

Reader Comments (42)

Good for you, Monica. Haters are going to hate, and people are always going to be curious. You're not the only one who has acted a fool on the net, and you won't be the last. We all have our moments.

take care.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterConfused Katy

I'm glad you didn't go too far away.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermk

Yes, I would have just kept checking, and checking, and checking.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa the Bumpkin

Yay! You're back!!!! Hooray for epiphanies, burritos, babies and alcohol!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterchristine from canada

I may need to try meditating, for real as you are, not the occasional ommm.

I'm very glad to see this post. For every hater, you have plenty of fans.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlison

Hey Monica, #2 is the whole secret of life, I think. I wanted to suggest you also check out something check it out, withhold judgments if you can, for a while.... see what resonates. It will complement the buddhism very well and offers really practical steps towards making peace with yourself.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLL

Welcome back! Alison's comment about haters is definitely right. Even douchey vegetarians like me are fans :) However, I do love to watch reality tv (celebrity rehab- yes!), drink alcohol, and eat burritos.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commentererin

Glad you are back!

There are people who like you and your blog than there are haters out here.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

Just remember that people that have websites/ formums to bash you, probably have nothing else better to do. That, and they usually are jealous about something.
Keep up the writing. I love it! : )

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmyS(OH)

I am SO glad you are back - I will overlook the meditating and the ephipanies.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

I don't eat meat, but I drink like a fish so am I OK? I didn't respond to the last post, due to intense laziness and bizarre schedule last week, but I love your blog and treasure your honesty. We are going through some major hard times in my family right now with one of our kids in the midst of a major jihaad (sp?) against us. Too long & painful to explain but your line about how you were once a sweet baby, too pretty much had me in tears. I thought of my gorgeous, funny, sweet baby girl who now thinks we're monsters and has dedicated every minute of her life to making ours a living hell. Her sister, who had her own tumultuous teenage days, will barely speak to her and has actually reached the 'oh-my-god-i'm-so-sorry-I-was-such-a-brat!' stage. My husband mediates twice a day now to try to remain sane. I just spend most of my waking time trying to figure out what I can do to make her change, which is, of course, ridiculous. Please please please don't stop! (Drinking, eating burritos, or blogging - any of them)

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMary


January 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter"Gush"

(I totally just happy-danced.)

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter"Gush"

Hoooorayyyyyy! So glad you're staying! (I know that may be a little premature but...HOORAY!) Just found your blog in the last few months and LOVE it. Also, can't wait for the next chapter of MTMIM!!!

And, ohmygoodness that video is SO stinkin' cute it makes my ovaries hurt. I love that she's at the age where you can almost *see* her learning and thinking. And, you know, eating the camera. ADORABLE - so sweet!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Sitcom

hooray! hooray! - that you feel better. and the little liza minelli-haired farty girl is delish.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteralex

I like you a lot!! I think of you as my friend and friends are so hard to come by as we get older. I realize you wouldn't know me from any other weary mom dragging her screaming kids out of walmart:) but that doesn't stop me from caring about you and rooting for you and wishing you and your family the very best!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen Wekwert

it`s just that the haters always make much more noise. and i donĀ“t know about you, but if someone says 10 nice things about me and one negative thing, i`ll only be thinking about that criticism.
good to have you back!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteranother monica

Oh, I totally agree with "another monica". It's that one negative that will eat away at you despite tons of love. So glad you are back! I think you have a good combo of meditation, alcohol, and burritos workin for you!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

YAHOO!!! So glad to see you back...and wow, is Violet adorable. LOVE the socks!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHanni

Cool! You are interesting. Nowadays, that's the best anyone can be. Let it bleed.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJ

So happy to see this! And with a Violet bonus! Keep doing what works for you, and thanks for letting us in. I love to read anything you write.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkds

You're back! I had just resigned myself that you were really gone. Glad I kept checking. and so glad that you. are. back.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJ

Now that the golden rockets all tanked up from all the great comments that you received you think you'd want to unload that carpet?

Maybe next time your meditating you could think about it.

Glad your in better spirits.

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRob Mehner

Happy to read you again! ;)
Funny video, and beautiful Violet. Always enjoying your writing and glad to see you're better.

I promise I will make some positive comments from time to time, to balance with those of the haters! :D So you don't forget we're here, and we like you!

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSerena from Italy

Great you're back! I knew you'll miss us too:) as erin's already said I also join bunch of douchey vegetarians being around here:) we create wonderful group of people, I guess!

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteranajo

I was so happy to see this post! Thank you for writing! And Violet is so sweet!

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

YAY!!! Glad you're still here. I was already missing you!

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterClaire

"I need a good reality TV-watching, burrito eating, alcohol glugger."

You and I could totally be best friends.

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSadie

Glad you're back. We love your writing, insight and honesty. Don't go changing...

Now that said, I never thought of posting my kids videos on YouTube. What a wonderful way to get back at them.. Hehe ;-)

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercoskibum

Meditation... hmmm, how can I say...... it changed my life. No- really. I came back from a horrible and scary place a few years ago when I was meditating and finally 'felt myself' again. Everyone is so 'concerned' with being healthy (eating/exercising) and they forget about their soul. Ahem- anyway, keep on with it. It will annoy the hell out of you, eventually, and that's when you just keep sittin'.

I absolutely LOVE your realization that you, the very you that is you, were once a lovely and wonderful child! And... you were.

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

PS I'm a meditater and bourbon swiller... the two don't have to be exclusive.

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Good to see you back. Glad you're feeling better and I love the new banner. And you just made me realise how much I miss my old girls nights of sitting back with a bottle or two of wine and watching Farmer Wants a Wife or some other crappy addictive reality match making show. (it's just not the same watching it with the hubby)

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Thank you!

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

Yay for blogs and super cute baby videos!

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercdawnh

Glad you've decided to keep blogging.

Good luck w/ meditating. I find it helps me feel more balanced if I meditate regularly...even for 5-10minutes. It just gives me a chance to get out of my head for a bit.

If you want to try guided meditations, Mary Maddox posts free meditations on her podcast "Meditation Oasis" that are easy to follow and relatively short. Start with the older ones first.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

It's too bad that human nature hard-wires us to complain more than we compliment....maybe that's why the haters were louder than the enormous fans.
p.s. i think a lot of people who've never met you actually start sentences with "On my friend Monica's blog....". Me among them.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermeara

Your lamp swinging behaviour is shameful. Stop acting like a spoiled child.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnon

Also, I am lonely.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnon

Monica, all things aside, it sounds like you're really stressed out. Do you think a kickboxing or yoga class would help? Running? Something for the pent up feelings?

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSammy

I love reading your blog! Thanks for being so honest.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermj

I didn't post on your last post but I do enjoy your blog. and I wanted to say something about the lamp post which is ultimately my response to your last post. I also like to throw things, lose my temper and sometimes feel downright insane. In fact, my walls in my room have dark blue acrylic paint smeared across them because I lost it one inch too far. My friends joke that I killed a smurf, but looking at the paint on the door, on the light switch and the smear on the other side from a book I dipped in paint and then slammed against the wall- I know I have never felt crazier or in less control. I am not trying to call you crazy but trying to say that I feel like I can relate to you in a way that should give people like us validation. It's okay not to pretend or to be that poster perfect version. I am about to become a mother soon (five weeks till my due date) and I am glad it seems you will continue writing because I appreciate reading about your ups and downs and the honesty you share.

January 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWysket

YES! That's totally it. We treat our children like the precious miracles they are - I mean, Em's five and I still look at her in awe - but we treat ourselves like we are less.

Oh, good for you. Meditation is part of my dream of my perfect life, where I grow vegetables and practice yoga every day. And, yes, you can laugh at that having met me. :-)

January 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEDW

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